Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Detective Comics #938


"Batman With Two Nobodies", Rafael Albuquerque. 2016.

The Review!
This feels like the usual Detective Comics that I've grown to not read for the last thirty years. It just never did it for me and I only picked it up if a story featured a villain I particularly liked. But I guess right now, it's the only comic book on the shelves that has Stephanie Brown fucking Tim Drake. Not in as much detail as the thousands of pages of fanfic you can find online. And not nearly as creepy or horrible as the written sex scenes in people's role play blogs. I shouldn't judge! I'm fairly certain I once masturbated to the Land O'Lakes butter logo. And not after somebody had turned her knees into tits. Just to the regular logo. It was easier than you might think because I was really turned on by that dirty whore Mrs. Butterworth watching.

Now I'm hungry for waffles!

The Commentary!
Here's all I've learned about writing on the Internet for twenty years: a facetious, whimsical person on the internet is exactly like being a known pedophile in prison. I mean, I haven't been shivved in the shower and kicked until all my ribs were broken before having my skull fractured by a club made out of the metal edge of a cot. But metaphorically, I've experienced it! Maybe I'm being too facetious and whimsical in my hyperbole by choosing that metaphor! Maybe it's a little more like poking a wasp's net with a tape recorder that says "Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown are nobodies!" until I'm covered in wasps that can't actually sting but can manage to vocalize the phrase "Kill yourself!" It's my own fault, really! I should know that having a silly laugh over the status of a fictional character is apparently equitable to telling a real life person to end their existence. It's completely deserved! I mean, I could have not captioned the cover the way I did! I had that choice! And by choosing to crack myself up and go with that caption, I must be choosing to be inundated with vitriol and hate! Logic!

No, seriously! That wasn't sarcastic! I totally get the logic of the Internet. No matter what my intent in writing this, or who I might imagine I'm speaking to (generally nobody in particular, but quite often to Doom Bunny because he's the one I've been trying to make laugh since the beginning (even if he rarely reads the blog anymore because he has kids and drinks)), choosing to put it on the Internet turns it into a dialogue. It's a weird kind of dialogue though because I'm an individual speaking in general terms about things I might feel or, as in most cases, don't feel but find funny for some reason or another. But individuals reading something I've written see themselves as the target audience and can be personally offended by something I've written. Obviously it's not personal because I wasn't directing anything at them. But this is how things works. And when they respond, it's absolutely personal because they know they are responding to an individual. So when I say "All dog owners can go jump in a lake!", a dog owner reading this might respond with "Oh yeah, Tess? Why don't YOU go jump in a lake!" See how it works? My statement wasn't a personal attack on any individual dog owner. It was just a general statement caused by something I may have been feeling earlier, like fear when a big ass growling dog came running up to me and the owner was yelling, "Don't worry! He doesn't bite!" You know who I know won't bite me? A fucking dog in your control on a leash not able to get anywhere near me, you asshole. So now I've expressed something to the world in general terms but which certain individuals might consider is directed at them. Like, you know, people who own dogs. But when they tell me to jump in a lake, that's hurtful! Because it's a personal expression of animosity toward an individual! So cruel!

Although if you do take offense at my statement even after the explanation of why I think dog owners should jump in a lake then maybe it is directed at you because you're being awfully defensive. Are you the type of asshole that lets their dog run around off-leash and then half-heartedly calls it's name when it runs off to bug a stranger? So, in a way, when you lash back out at me, I just sit back and smile and think, "Oh look! I just said somebody was an asshole for doing a certain thing and you were upset by that. Which means you must do that thing and, therefore, are an asshole!" Logic!

Although what I'm really trying to say is don't be mean to me no matter how mean I am to anybody else because I can't take it and will probably abandon this blog completely at the first sign of animosity and hate.

So, um, anyway, I think I'll get my tender feelings under control and begin reading this comic book that totally won't make me cry because every time Spoiler is on-panel, I won't be sobbing, "I'm sorry I called you a nobody! Nobody deserves to be called a nobody! Logic!"

Last issue ended during the present so this one, obviously, begins many years ago. Jacob Kane gets some good news and bad news. The good news is he'll be taking on more responsibility in the military by being part of the secret military! The bad news is that he'll never again be promoted or have a raise or any public acknowledgment that he's doing anything except languishing at the rank of Colonel. So everybody in his life is going to think he's a lazy, unambitious good-for-nothing waste of space. Congratulations!

Man, I never needed some authority figure to tell me to be those things! I'm doing them all on my own!

Actually, Jacob Kane learns about The Court of Owls years before Batman does, and also the League of Shadows (who are just the Court of Owls but more dangerous and less into birds).


Also many years ago, Kate Kane promises her father, while standing on her mother's grave, to be a part of her father's team.

Now it's the present and Kate is stomping all over her promise to her father and her father's heart and pissing all over Gabrielle Kane's grave. Metaphorically, of course! I think you need higher than a Teen Plus Rating to show a female peeing on a grave. Although I know you can get away with a guy peeing in a Teen Comic but it must be in an alley with a little blue man watching. So sexist!

Batman was about to get his head blown off at the end of the last issue but Kate and the Batkids saved his ass. Now they're battling the entire Army of Batmen for some reason. Can't they just send a cease and desist? Just threaten Colonel Kane with legal action. That would actually be the best because then Batman could have all of the Wayne and Kane money!

During the escape, Tim Drake runs into Odysseus so they can measure brains. They're both completely unrealistic brains so it's hard to determine which one is bigger. Basically either smarty-pants can do whatever they need to do with electronics or machines, so I think it's a tie. Odysseus escapes by dropping through a concealed trapdoor, exactly the same fashion Kate and the Bat-kids escaped the attack on their base. Does that mean they're exactly the same amount of smart or does that mean Tim loses because he should have seen that coming? I think Tim loses but then I just want to think of Tim as a loser. He's not that smart! And I'm not that envious!

Anyway, Batman, Kate, and the Bat-kids escape, of course. Cassandra does some genius ass kicking, Spoiler does some genius thing to save Red Robin, Red Robin does some genius thing to save them all, Clayface somehow makes more mass than he actually has, and Kate tells her dad to fuck off. I don't think Batman did anything. He was the princess being rescued in this story.

Before escaping, Batman learned that Colonel Kane's Army of Batmen was created to wipe out members of the League of Shadows and that Colonel Kane was operating without the government's knowledge. Well, maybe the government that is thirteen levels of security higher than the regular government knew. But Batman is certain the League of Shadows is a myth and that Kane is going to kill a bunch of innocent people. But how is Batman so sure? He was also fairly certain the Court of Owls wasn't real too! So he's kind of on a 100% never being right about secret societies streak.

Odysseus has built some drones that are mostly machine guns and they're going to go kill all of the suspected terrorists next issue. Hopefully Batman can throw enough batarangs to stop them all. Or maybe he'll just remember The Flash's phone number and ask for a favor.

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