Thursday, August 11, 2016

Doctor Fate #14

Doctor Fate and Doctor Failure, amirite?!

The Review or Whatever!
If you're on the internet and I've ever said something that seemed to disagree with you when, in my own mind, I was just adding to the conversation but in your crazy cuckoo whacko mind, you thought I was gaslighting you, I just want to say I wasn't doing that at all.

The interesting thing about that previous sentence is that it actually began quite earnestly! I really meant to say something like, "I'm sorry if my enthusiasm for discourse led you to believe that I was being an overbearing dick and demanding that my opinions were the correct ones." I know I've done it before, and I'll do it again, even when I try not to. In my head, my response reads as an extension of somebody's thoughts and ideas and my take on them. But I realize after the fact that what it actually sounds like I'm doing is refuting the person's statement and shitting all over their brain babies. Then I think, "Oh shit. Should I apologize? I didn't mean it like that?! I'm a total dick, aren't I? I meant to just express my thing without making their thing seem stupid and trivial and pointless!" Then I don't apologize because I'm a coward. But I'd like to apologize to distractedbyshinyobjects because I feel like I did that when she brought up some stuff about Batman, Incorporated way back when. And I'd like to apologize to jenstansfield for piggybacking on her Harley and Joker post with my swinging dick of ideas. I can't apologize to them in private message because Tumblr is stupid and wants me to start a chat window which I totally won't do because remember the coward thing? Also maybe I don't need to apologize? Oh, who am I kidding! I also need to apologize to Scott Lobdell, Marcus To, Sterling Gates, Ann Nocenti, Rob Liefeld, Tom DeFalco, Howard Mackie, and my mother. Also, just so you know, mom, you can get at the end of that line!

I probably should just stop giving opinions on the Internet. It's like if a dinosaur learned to write and then could send their letters through time and found a method of delivering it to everybody's brain and then jerked off all over itself after expressing itself orally. That's almost exactly what it's like except for the time travel part! Although I am, technically, traveling through time! Just at the same rate as just about everybody else who isn't in a plane or on the International Space Station.

I just watched a documentary on PBS called Chuck Norris vs. Communism and it made me cry, just in case you weren't sure I had a capacity for emotion. The only problem is that the whole Irina Nistor "voice of the dystopia" was so cliché as to be unbelievable. I highly doubt this really happened!

This issue has two stories. The first story is about how Khalid figures out that magic in the DC Universe has no rules. That's a good thing because if there are rules, how is it magic? I think that makes sense. If it doesn't, just keep your mouth shut. I'm sensitive! During this adventure, Khalid can barely remember the name of Lewis Carroll or his sequel to Alice in Wonderland but he can quote Humpty Dumpty exactly. I'm not buying it! If he liked even just that one quote by Humpty Dumpty enough to memorize it, he'd have enjoyed a lot more of what Humpty Dumpty had to say. And he certainly wouldn't be unsure about the name of the book or its author! I was buying this whole story about magical worlds and dead people possessing helmets until that Lewis Carroll bit slapped me in the face and said, "This story is unbelievable, right?!"

Okay, I'm about to say something not very romantic, so you might want to cover your eyes for this next bit or it'll blow the whole image you probably have of me. "What are you doing with her, Khalid?! There's a horny neighbor down the hall who will let you play doctor, as well as lonely businessman, desperate junkie, and naive babysitter!

Speaking of the adult woman who knows what she wants whom I think Khalid should pursue, Akila is at the same memorial service as Khalid and Shaya! What does the Koran have to say about three ways?

The memorial service is protested by a bunch of racists, so Khalid feels this is a good Doctor Fate teaching moment. He decides racists are probably stupid and fearful (which is how they became racists, probably) so he conjures up a bunch of ghosts to make them all shit themselves. He may have had some other plan as well, to maybe make the racists think about something for once, but making them shit themselves works just as well. Too bad Akila doesn't know Khalid is Doctor Fate! If she did, she'd probably wind know what? I'm not going to write the image that my brain came up with when I visualized how overpoweringly horny this would have made her, seeing as how she's already pretty poweringly horny. Mmmm. Boy, it's a good image though. I might have to use that one later.

Khalid and his family head home after services and Khalid's dad is all, "Racist stuff!" And Khalid and his family laugh and laugh as the scene ends!

You know what? I didn't hate this issue as much as I've hated some of the other issues! Which reminds me, I should probably apologize to Paul Levitz too. I don't have to apologize to Sonny Liew though because I bought his book, The Art of Charlie Chan Hock Chye. Giving cash is better atonement than saying words I don't mean! I mean, I totally meant every word I said! Except that thing about not believing that Chuck Norris vs Communism didn't really happen.

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