Friday, August 5, 2016

Nightwing #2

These Owls forgot that the style this year is black masks.

The Commentary!
According to the cover, it's just the second issue of Nightwing pretending to work for the Parliament of Owls and he's fudged up and started to just beat the crap out of them! Maybe this comic book should just be called Talon?

Raptor punched Dick so hard last issue that Dick decided to have a memory about the past. I was once hit in the face that hard but instead of having a memory, I simply thought, "That asshole punched me in the face!" So apparently I shouldn't be angry at comic books in the way they use Narration Boxes because I do the same thing in real life. It was obvious to everybody that I had been punched in the face: the 7-Eleven clerk, the guy who punched me, my friend Paul backing away and cowering in the candy aisle. It was especially evident to me. So why did I think, "That asshole just punched me in the face!"? I hope that isn't a pattern in my life because I don't want my last thoughts to be, "That shark is devouring my lower torso!" How boring! I hope if that ever happens to me, I'll instead think, "That shark is eating my dick! Gay!"

Robin's memory is about this one time (out of like a million times) that Batman pretended he was going to kill a criminal so that the criminal would tell Batman the truth. Isn't Batman smarter than that? People don't tell the truth when they're frightened or in pain or staring into the face of a grown man in a Halloween costume. That's the time you lie your ass off so that the person doing those things to you will stop it already! No wonder this story is called "Better Than Batman." Batman is a dumb jerk.

Raptor is reminding Dick that Dick is his new partner when Dick decides to think some more stuff to himself in a way that I believe is totally now natural now that I remembered that time I was punched in the face by Jimmy Arthur.

Come on, Seeley! We know the title actually refers to Dick Grayson!

Oh! I forgot that I was going to mention an article that Facebook thought I might enjoy! Facebook almost never suggests articles I might enjoy so it seemed really weird that it would suggest I might like the following article:

Does Facebook think I had sex with my cousin?! Hell, does Facebook think I've had sex!? It's algorithms noticed I only talk about comic books right? Oh! Maybe that's why it thinks I fucked my cousin!

Why would the Omaha Weird Harold use that lady's picture for this article? I imagine she's the columnist who answers perverts' letters. But can't some editor realize that this picture of her just makes it seem like she's mocking the person who can't get over totally having sex?! When I have sex, I'm going to write to all the local papers too!

Dick is ready to ditch Raptor when Raptor is all, "Dudebro! I thought we were doing some superhero bonding!" And Dick is all, "Fucking hell. Of course he did! My mentors really set a horrible example, didn't they?"

Dick decides there could be worse things than partnering with Raptor like that one hilariously imaginative thing I might come up with later and replace these words with. He and Raptor hop on the Raptorcopter (I don't know if that's what he calls it but that's probably what he calls it) and they head off to complete their first mission for the Parliament of Owls. Dick had better kill someone on this mission or he's going to blow his cover.

Meanwhile, Babs phones Dick from Tokyo to arrange a booty call. Dick is all, "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Babs. I think I have to wash the semen out of my hair that night." But Babs convinces him that to come because she seriously needs to. But first Dick has to finish his mission with Raptor. Why is Babs interrupting the story?! Doesn't she know Dick's gay yet? She must have some Bat-gaydar in her utility belt.

Oh. Buteo was the name of the Raptorcopter. That's terrible branding! Only bird nerds and internet know-it-alls who looked it up quickly and then pretended they always knew the word would know what a Buteo is!

Raptor decides to give Nightwing a lesson on branding as if Nightwing didn't already get the best branding lesson in the world from Batman. That Bat-guy couldn't Bat-build a single Bat-thing without Bat-prepending Bat to it!

I should learn about branding and marketing and the other thing from Raptor! How do I make my blog more popular? I bet the best way to do it would be to start reading Marvel Comics instead of DC Comics! All of the Fake Geek Geeks love Marvel because they get all of their information from their peers on the Internet who get all of their information from the people getting their information from them! And they all say Marvel rules, DC drools and has a terrible time with sexual harassment in the workplace and think Wonder Woman's origin is too complicated and cancelled their cartoons because too many girls liked them and a whole bunch of other things that aren't true but have been said so many times that they may as well be.

Nightwing reveals that he's been working on a theme song. I hope when he finishes it, it's released as a floppy 45 in a future issue!

Nightwing and Raptor board a ship being taken over by Kobra. Apparently it's a Parliament of Owls ship and they need to...ARGH!

I'll never get near another overweight person as long as I live! This is how imagine Chili's on a Friday night.

The boat is full of refugees who will be doing all of the labor in the Parliament of Owls' new country, New Greece. Nightwing is shocked! I don't think he knows that people actually do jobs they don't particularly like sometimes. I mean, most of them aren't forced into those jobs. Although I still want to say that fleeing your war-ravaged country and winding up in slave labor camps is probably better than having to clean the toilets at McDonalds. I won't say that because it's insensitive to a number of different people. But I'm probably thinking it anyway.

Dick doesn't do anything to stop the shipment of laborers to the Parliament of Owls because he's trying to keep his cover. He can't bring the whole Parliament down if he trades his cover in for one ship of refugees. Luckily for Nightwing, Raptor wants to help Nightwing bring down the Parliament of Owls. He won't say why but it probably has to do with money and his father. His father is probably the Orator and he's a big jerk who never let Raptor put posters on his walls.

Meanwhile, Babs is sitting in a sexy puddle of her body's own making waiting for Dick to arrive to her Tokyo picnic. But he totally stands her up because he doesn't like the junk she has to work with. He likes junk like his junk! Like Raptor's junk! Poor Babs! She's never going to get any!

The Review
Nightwing is cute and funny and charming. I don't mean "cute" in the looks department. I wouldn't know if he was cute because he's a guy and I don't swing on guys. I meant he's cute like a six year old saying cute things and being adorable. No wait! Six year olds aren't cute. I think maybe I meant a three year old? But he's no longer the best part of this comic book. Raptor is way more interesting because he's like a real man being manly and concerned with business. Dick is playing games but Raptor is playing for keeps. I guess that's what happens when you're raised by a rich guy who lets you swing around the city all night in your pajamas. You never really grow up. But Raptor had to grow up fast because his father, the Orator, was all, "You don't play that music so loud! Don't you put any staples in my walls! Take showers! Sleep reasonable hours! Eat healthy!" And Raptor was all, "But I don't want to! You're the worst!" Then he fled, put on a mask, and came back to get even with his dad. I bet he puts up tons of posters in his new apartment.

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