Sunday, August 14, 2016

All Star Batman #1

Which Batman were you expecting?

The Review!
This book seems like it'll be fun. Even though the basic premise that I have to buy to really get into the story is this: Harvey Dent somehow magically knows everything about everybody ever and can reveal it in such a way that it isn't just white noise when it's let loose into the world! I suppose I don't totally have to buy into that premise. I just have to buy into the premise that everybody in Gotham buys into the premise and that they all have dirty secrets that they've idiotically not completely kept to themselves! Such amateurs! When you have dirty secrets, you don't tell them to anybody! I mean, sometimes you can tell them on your blog but then you also have to say a lot of things that are complete fabrications to hide the truths amid the lies! That works really well! I know because a friend of a friend who has this really awesome comic book blog that everybody should be reading told me how it works really well! Was that clear enough so that you know I'm talking about my blog? I mean, I wanted to be subtle about it but then I realized if you didn't get I was talking about my blog, you might think there's actually another comic book blog out there that's better than this blog and I couldn't leave you thinking that! Although I bet those guys at the Weird Science Blog have some really disgusting secrets! I bet they shave kittens and rub them on their testicles. They're so gross!

The Commentary!
My cousin messaged me on the day this came out and asked, "All Star Batman? Yes or no?" I said, "Yes, I suppose. I'm pro Snyder but not so hot on Romita." He told me that was almost word for word what the clerk at his comic book store told him. So I guess I'm not as avant-garde a thinker as I thought I was. I'm just as intelligent as a jerk selling comic books to other jerks. But, in all sincerity (and I'm rarely sincere so listen closely! Or read closely. Whatever. You understood!), how did John Romita Jr. get the job on All Star Batman? During the John Romita Jr. Variant Covers month, he drew Batman wielding a gun. If there's one absolute no-no of a way to fuck up a portrait of Batman, that would be it! And now on the cover of this issue, he's drawn Batman with some kind of gigantic bottle opener batarang that might also be some kind of bear trap? You'll have to look at your own copy of this comic book because I scanned the Adam West Variant Cover.

"Hoo hoo hey! I was drawn by a professional!"

The poor guy with the red wall eyes is the owner of a truck stop diner that's about to get smashed to bits by Batman's face. Killer Moth and Firefly (two bug-type criminals because the waitress was talking about how big the bugs are getting and then...ha ha! Get it!) throw Batman through the window and into the jukebox. I think it's a jukebox. It's a pretty big fucking jukebox. But it has all the hallmarks of a jukebox. I think. Anyway, Batman's face smashes straight through it because somehow Killer Moth and Firefly got the drop on Batman. I don't really need to know how. I don't need a "24 hours earlier" bit on the next page and I have a feeling Snyder won't do that to the reader. This is All Star Batman! None of those gimmicks for this periodical! This is all action and poorly rendered jukeboxes and diner chefs!

Firefly and Killer Moth want some information from Batman. They threaten to kill everybody in the diner if Batman doesn't give up what he knows. I have a feeling Batman isn't going to give them the answer they want. Unless what they're looking for are his Batarangs! He'll show them exactly where those are and in what orifices they uncomfortably fit!

Batman spits out a few teeth and a half gallon of blood so he can say, "Remain calm, everybody! I have this handled! Did I say clam? I meant calm if I said clam. I don't think I said clam but I don't want anybody to be confused. Remain clam. I mean calm!" Then he creepily winks at everybody while the comic book explains he's Batman: most wanted man in the state. Oh my! I wonder what that's about! So exciting!

Actually, their only job is to fuck, shut up, and die! So, maybe go with another bon mot unless you're ready to carry through with an anal raping in front of the diner patrons. You know, to be technically correct and all. Just actuallying!

"Just actuallying!" is what nerds should start saying instead of "Just saying!" Because they're never just saying! But they're always just wiping their drippy dicks all over the chins of everybody they just put in their place with a well-timed actually!

Why would Batman think that Killer Moth doesn't know everything there is to know about moths already? Does he think Killer Moth is just half-assing the gimmick? Come on, Batman! Show your villainous counterparts some respect!

Batman just got beat to crap and then beat the crap out of the people who beat him to crap and some asshole in the crowd of bystanders decides it's an optimal time for calling out his bullshit. Well, at least you feel good about yourself, Ms. Self-Righteous, My-Way-Or-My-Incessant-Yapping Piece of Shit! At least now you'll be able to tell the story and make yourself out to be the social hero! "Batman was right there in the diner, bleeding from nearly every orifice, having just butt-fucked a man in a moth costume and I stood my ground! I was all, 'You are gross, Batman! You are problematic and gross and it's your fault that we're all about to die because a dangerous villain followed you here! I mean, you were dragged here by two men in bug costumes but that's no excuse! Hashtag Batman? More like Badman!'" Luckily Batman doesn't have to listen to her for long because he's dragged back outside by a pair of mechanical arms.

This is the part of the story where Scott Snyder finally can't resist and feels the need to explain what's been happening. Boo! Hiss! Snyder, you coward!

Snyder then begins to tell the story backwards because who wants to read a boring linear story? Writing a story backwards is something Real Writers do! They're all, "Check this shit out! I'm fucking blowing this narrative to Comedom King! Get it? Did you get that joke? Was it too intellectual for you?!"

The problem with writing the story backwards is that I find it difficult to comment on. Jerk is making my job hard! So twenty-two minutes before the diner scene, some guy in a potato sack hood scoffed at Batman for throwing something away. What did he throw away? I don't know! It's a backwards mystery! Then two hours before that, Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and some idiot in motorcycle gear apparently sponsored by Batman are standing around the Bat-signal chatting about acid rain and Harvey Dent. Citizens are standing around in the streets covered in bandages. I'm assuming it's because they're embarrassed to be seen looking like they were drawn by John Romita Jr.

Oh, I guess Motorcycle Batman is Duke Thomas. Batman explains that he's better than Robin. I guess all the pederast jokes were getting kind of old.

Two weeks before the rooftop meeting, Batman was asked by Harvey Dent to burn Two-Face out of him. So, you know, Harvey Dent is back to life because this is Rebirth! Harvey Dent told Bruce he had a plan to get rid of Two-Face once and for all. But Alfred was all, "How do you know this isn't Two-Face telling you these things! You're going to be in big trouble, sir!" And Batman was all, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred. Who signs your checks?"

Notice all the time increments have twos in them! I think that's a clue! I bet the next flashback will be two years ago!

Eventually enough back story is given (I hope!) and things settle back down to 20 minutes before the diner. Twenty minutes ago, Batman was forced to listen to Harvey Dent psychoanalyze everybody in Gotham, all based on the fact that his evil eye is color-blind.

Oh, shut the fuck up. I wish I signed your paychecks!

Two-Face believes everybody has a secret side they hide from the world. I've said it before that we all have secrets we'd refuse to tell even our closest confidantes. Not me, of course! I tell everybody everything via this blog! So Two-Face wouldn't be able to control me! He'd be all, "I'll tell everybody you sniff your belly button funk!" And I'll be all, "Oh yeah? I'll show everybody! See? Mmmm! Mmmm! So tangy!" And he'll be all, "Eww! I point out how you once masturbated in a park after dark!" And I'll be all, "Hey! I didn't do that! Don't tell people I did that! That's a big fat lie that you can't prove anyway because nobody even saw me!" And then he'll be all, "Oh yeah! But what about that time you..." And I'll scream, "Not that! That's enough! I'll take your deal! Just don't say that!" Okay. So there are some things I'll never reveal to anonymous people on the other side of this computer screen. Why should I? You're all judgmental bastards!

Two-Face has made a deal with everybody in Gotham that if he gets to wherever Batman is taking him, he's going to release all of the secrets he knows about everybody (and being Gotham's District Attorney, apparently he has access to it all). Now, I don't believe everybody cares. I bet 85% of the residents of Gotham will shrug their shoulders and go, "Who the fuck cares? No way he knows I secretly dig up earthworms in the backyard and shove them in my vagina." But Two-Face knows that 15% of the people of Gotham will be terrified by Two-Face's threat. And they'll mobilize to stop Batman. Like Killer Moth and Firefly have done! And the guy with the mechanical arms.

Also, if Two-Face is set free, he's going to pay the person scads and scads of money! The next villain to beat up Batman is Black Spider. He's the guy with the mechanical arms that pulled Batman out of the diner. He also has some bullets in a gun that all say "Batmau" on them. He set the press wrong because he was in a hurry.

Batman stops Black Spider too because how could he not? It's Black Spider not Doomsday (who Batman could also stop anyway)! But then all of the assholes in the diner decide to join up and collect the reward together because--as I pointed out in the beginning of the sentence--they're assholes.

Batman gets away from them quicker than it takes him to piss in the morning (which, seeing as he's getting older, isn't really all that quick) and he drags Harvey away to lock him in the back of a truck. I guess he's going to drive Harvey to wherever he's taking him. And he'll have to battle scads and scads of villains along the way! I wonder if I can fit any more "scads and scads" into this commentary? Wouldn't it be great to have scads and scads of "scads and scads"? Bingo! Anyway, that's probably why the issue begain "Miles Traveled: 0". Because Batman is going to have to drive 500 miles just to...oh, you know where that's going, don't you? Sorry.

The "house" Batman is taking Harvey Dent to is probably his childhood home where he'll be able to face the thing that caused the schism way back in his childhood. It was probably seeing the neighbor girl shoving earthworms into her vagina.

Batman goes radio silent with Alfred because Batman knew Alfred targeted the Batplane. Not that Alfred has anything to hide. It's just he's tired of having to shut the fuck up simply because Batman signs his motherfucking checks. Batman drives off on his own with only Gentleman Ghost hanging on to the back of the truck as it heads toward its destination.

There's a back-up story because there had to be a reason that Declan Shalvey and Jordie Bellaire got their names on the cover but weren't involved in the first story. That's called a clue! And I noticed it because I'm like Batman! I fuck moth's in the ass! I mean, something about being a detective! Not the moth thing!

The back-up story is called "The Cursed Wheel" and it's Duke's first case with the Batman where he does more than just solve word problems. In this case, he's wearing his new outfit which he bought at the Yamaha Dealership and stuck Bat stickers on. I still don't know what his superhero name is if it isn't Robin. I'm guessing it's just Motorcycle Batman!

Duke and Batman investigate some killings that look like Zsasz was probably responsible. But that's not the important part of this first chapter. The important part is The Cursed Wheel which is some kind of visual representation of all of Batman's training and all of Alfred's sassy remarks woven into a template that teaches sidekicks to become heroes...or villains! And one of them is a great big stinky villain who won't be revealed until who knows when. But it had better not be Alfred! Even though he took a shot at Batman in the main story! I'm sure that was just Alfred knowing the best way to help Batman was to knock his plane out of the sky and force Batman to go radio silent. Right? That has to be why he did that. Right? RIGHT?! TELL ME I'M FUCKING RIGHT AND SNYDER ISN'T DOING THE ONE THING I SAID SO LONG AGO THAT NO WRITER SHOULD EVER DO?!

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