Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Nightwing #3

I don't think this is how Dick usually squat-jumps.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the aftermath of a scene that causes Batgirl to rethink how horny she is for Nightwing. Mostly she's probably still up for doing it to him but she knows if he's no good, she now has a ready excuse for why she never wants to see him again after. Because apparently Raptor killed an innocent man and Nightwing just let him. It must be tough living the kind of life where everybody always depends on you never failing at your job so that, one day, when some villain actually gets away with killing somebody, everybody blames you. But Batgirl should know better! She was once accused of this same thing by a stupid cop who pulled her gun on Batgirl for not stopping the murder instead of the murderer who was standing right beside her! That was in The New 52 Batgirl #1 and it wasn't the comic book to be introduced to Gail Simone. What a terrible ending! I chalked it up to editorial interference. They probably demanded that the first issue end in a crazy cliffhanger. I bet Simone's first draft just ended with the bad guy throwing the person out of the window and everybody looking shocked. But editorial was all, "Not good enough! Make this policewoman make the worst decision she's ever made! It'll be brilliant!"

So the first page, as you may have guessed but really should have already read because these "reviews" are really just discussions to be shared with other people who have already read the comic book, has Raptor standing over a bleeding man with blood all over the hand he named something I can't remember--some gypsy person who can heal anything or something--while Batgirl looks on shocked--you can tell she's shocked because she has a gloved hand demurely covering her mouth--and Dick going, "No...Raptor...". Since Batgirl was last seen realizing she was going to have to masturbate because Dick wasn't going to show, I have to assume the story of how we got here will begin on the next page or two.

And, as comic books hardly ever fail in their standard method of operation, the next page begins previous to the dead person and Barbara's suddenly cracked and arid vagina.

So this guy is the Sarah Winchester of Norway?

I love reading a good conspiracy story or paranormal tale but there's one type that just bores the fuck out of me: numerology. So it's too bad that some guy named Dick Allan Wagner came up with an long explanation of the Winchester Mystery House using numerology as the basis for his interpretation of the architecture. Even if his argument was so spot on and compelling and based on having found a diary by Sarah Winchester that read, "I have built my house upon the basis of the Pythagorean cipher," I would ignore it and instead embrace the crazy theory that she was repelling the spirits killed by Winchester guns. Although according to the Pythagorean cipher used by Dick Wagner, my name adds up to 666 (which, ultimately, is reduced down to 9 but, as with any crazy person code, you can do a lot of shit with it before deciding on a final and ultimate number that means what you want it to fucking mean)! So that probably means something I want it to mean!

Batgirl crashes the Crazy Maze House party because she doesn't seem to know what being stood up means. It means the person didn't want to see you, Babs! Now you're just making things weird by hunting down Dick so you can find out why he didn't drop his entire life to run off to Tokyo for cucumber sandwiches, wine, and Bat-vagina.

Raptor introduces himself to Batgirl.

Is it weird that I'm a guy and I'm totally wet for Raptor?

Batgirl might finally be getting the hint that Rebirth Dick Grayson is more like Rebirth "I Love Dick" Gayson. She confronts Dick by pointing to her pussy and yelling, "You didn't want any of this so you could spend time with that!" When she says "that," she points at Raptor's cock, of course. Hee hee. Raptor's cock. This comic isn't based on numerology but ornithology! No wonder Batgirl's pussy is a huge threat to everything.

Batgirl is all, "You're going Batman on me with this Owls' thing, aren't you?! Well, I won't let you get so wrapped up in it that you decide the only person you deserve to fuck is a villain. I'm going to help you get your blueprints from this Crazy Maze Guy and then your face is going to meet my vagina. And since your mouth will be busy but you can't stop quipping during the action, you'll have to prerecord your sexy time one-liners."

The trio enter into Knute's Puzzle House and they instantly figure out the trick. Mostly because Babs almost dies. She's such a liability! But then that's what happens when you miss the mission briefing and believe you're simply walking into a wacky fun house to hang out with a guy you want to see naked.

The trick is that the traps are historical in nature. So they begin with pit traps like the ones used to catch dinosaurs and they'll probably end with those sticky mats to catch rats. Or maybe one of those traps where you wake up chained to a wall with a reverse bear trap on your face and told if you don't kill the toddler in the room with you, your head will explode. Of course the toddler has been told that he'll never get another snack as long as he lives if he doesn't push a button on the wall that sets off the trap on your head. I think that's the most modern trap ever created.

While the trio make their way through the house, Nightwing thinks about his "Robin Hood thing" Barbara mentioned earlier. One of his thoughts early on in his career was, "What if we didn't fight crime? What if we fought poverty?" Well done, Nightwing! You definitely are better than Batman with thoughts like that! Except his noble idea was shot dead by Batgirl, the police commissioner's daughter, who automatically assumed that he would fight poverty Robin Hood style by stealing from the rich and becoming a criminal. So instead of Nightwing saying, "That's not what I meant at all! Not at all!", he just gave up on the idea and decided to keep fighting criminals. To be fair, it's much easier fighting criminals than poverty. Poverty is a symptom of a fucked-up system and fighting to change the system is a Herculean task but change Herculean to some other hero that couldn't succeed at their tasks at all. Like, um, I guess Sisyphus? This is the part where an editor would tell me to go back and replace "Herculean" with "Sisyphean" if that was what I wanted to say in the first place. But maybe what I wanted to say was a little bit of both and to say it in a really awkward way? What about that, you stupid, imaginary editor?!

Batman sometimes seems to try to fight poverty but then he just gets called out for gentrifying neighborhoods. But what is he supposed to do when he makes a neighborhood safe? He can't just keep all the rent prices at "your house will most certainly get robbed and your yard used as a dumping ground for used needles" prices! And it's not his fault if the local corner store that's been there for fifty years with the proprietors who know the names of all of their neighbors and customers suddenly can't afford rent and get replaced by an ice cream shop with disgusting flavors like Caramel Shark Testicle and Pancreas Peanut Butter! That's why it's so hard to fight poverty! Because you have to do something about the economic system and that's like playing Jenga but starting the game with one block on each level making it impossible to not collapse the tower on the first move.

To be fair to Barbara, maybe Dick approached her with the idea by saying, "Let's borrow Bruce's debit card and help out all the local shelters!"

The final puzzle is figuring out the tarot reading that sent Crazy Maze Knute into building his Puzzle House. Madame Xanadu would finally be useful for once in her life but she's not guest starring in this comic book because it would make it less interesting and cause it to lose money. But luckily Dick Grayson knows how to read tarot from his days in Haly's Circus! It's too bad Babs didn't once look at an image on a conspiracy website showing Knute's tarot reading! That would have made this moment much easier and I wouldn't have to hear Dick's explanation of what all of the cards mean. Although my main man Raptor figures out the puzzle just before they're all crushed by the lowering ceiling. He's so much better than Nightwing who is better than Batman. Therefore, some property or something or math whatever.

After the tarot puzzle is solved, Raptor takes off to find and kill Knute. And that's when the narrative catches up to the first page where fucking Nightwing fucked up and killed that innocent guy! I mean, he didn't kill him but he may as well have because he was working with the guy who killed the guy. And Batgirl doesn't care what Raptor does so of course she's angry at Dick for allowing this to happen. Maybe if he had known his tarot better, Raptor wouldn't have gotten the jump on him!

Raptor. Tarot. Orator. It's like there's a code there somewhere!

Too bad the Parliament of Owls aren't stupid pushovers like Black Mask. Dick could have just told them he doesn't kill and they would have been all, "Oh ho ho! How succulent! A moral assassin! Exactly what we need!"

Knute isn't actually dead because Raptor is exactly the guy he told Dick he was. He's got his own agenda and doing all of the Parliament of Owls' work isn't part of that agenda. Taking their money, on the other Suyolak, is totally part of the agenda. So Raptor's paid handsomely for killing Knute and the Parliament thinks Nightwing's reputation is ruined (although to keep up that ruse, he's going to have to stay away from Batgirl for the rest of the mission because she's supposed to be mad at him). Raptor has advanced both his and Nightwing's undercover plans and the Parliament still trusts them both. Wow. So much better than Batman!

And actually, Nightwing doesn't have to pretend Batgirl is angry with him because she is. I think her vagina is just a sore loser because he's choosing his bro, Raptor.

Batgirl storms back to Japan while Nightwing begins getting Bat-Stars in his eyes for Raptor. And even though I keep saying Raptor has become my new favorite character (did I say that yet this commentary? I should have said that this commentary. This is me saying that), he's got competition because apparently he didn't actually kill my previous new favorite character!

Dr. Leviticus!

The Review!
Nightwing is beginning to form his own Bat-family with Raptor and Dr. Leviticus. I suppose he can also include Helena Bertinelli and the girls of Hadrian's who want to have their first heterosexual experience with him. This new family is way better than the Bat-family and even more way better than his Teen Titans family (who were just consistently awful!). Hopefully the Parliament of Owls will live up to being super villains instead of just standing around ordering Nightwing and Raptor to do things they aren't actually doing. And then the Parliament just sits back content that nothing they want done is actually getting done. They're a super secret villainous organization that practically controls the world! They need to get really scary, really quickly! They need to be as scary as they were last issue when that person climbed out of that fatter person to attack Dick! That was terrifying and disgusting!

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