Slade has had so many last stands I've lost count. But then I can only count up to six anyway.
The Review!
I realized something years ago but I'm just now giving it voice through typed words: I don't want people on Tumblr reading my comic book commentaries! They constantly misunderstand everything and get way too involved in their stupid feelings for fictional characters! Although it is entertaining when somebody who writes about Superboy sucking a different character's cock every day gets angry at me for using the Superboy Tag incorrectly! And I'll never forget the Deathstork fan who went apoplectic when I pointed out Deathstork is a rapey amoral dick who really doesn't love his children as much as he wants people to think he loves them. Seriously? How many other loving parents do you know who have killed their children? I mean ones you know personally and haven't seen on Dateline! Sometimes people think I'm actually mad at them when I respond to something they've said because I find hyperbolic anger funny. I can't blame them for thinking that though! That would be a total dick move by me and I'm not a dick. I'm an asshole. It's a subtle difference! This isn't much of a review of Deathstork, is it? Well, I haven't even read it yet! But I'm willing to predict how the comic book will be: terrible! It hasn't been good since Liefeld was writing it! And it wasn't good then either! But it was fun to write about Liefeld's art! He was so terrible at it! And I'm not just saying that to be one of the cool people who think it's cool to make fun of Rob Liefeld because they're cool. I'm saying it because Liefeld's art is objectively bad. Maybe it's just that he's always fucking too lazy to draw well and maybe he can draw well when he wants to prove a point. But usually he doesn't and I think that means always that he can't. He once drew Slade with no left leg because he was copying the art from an old Teen Titans comic book and forgot to copy the lower half of a soldier's leg after a branch blocked part of it!
Anyway, who's up for a return of Deathstork's War Journal?!
The Commentary!
This issue begins on Danger Island, an aptly named island full of danger and also surrounded by water! So descriptive and apt! It's where the Dead Bastards live and Slade really wants to kill them. So he's visiting and killing them as he visits. He's also decided to write about it in his War Journal.
I realized something years ago but I'm just now giving it voice through typed words: I don't want people on Tumblr reading my comic book commentaries! They constantly misunderstand everything and get way too involved in their stupid feelings for fictional characters! Although it is entertaining when somebody who writes about Superboy sucking a different character's cock every day gets angry at me for using the Superboy Tag incorrectly! And I'll never forget the Deathstork fan who went apoplectic when I pointed out Deathstork is a rapey amoral dick who really doesn't love his children as much as he wants people to think he loves them. Seriously? How many other loving parents do you know who have killed their children? I mean ones you know personally and haven't seen on Dateline! Sometimes people think I'm actually mad at them when I respond to something they've said because I find hyperbolic anger funny. I can't blame them for thinking that though! That would be a total dick move by me and I'm not a dick. I'm an asshole. It's a subtle difference! This isn't much of a review of Deathstork, is it? Well, I haven't even read it yet! But I'm willing to predict how the comic book will be: terrible! It hasn't been good since Liefeld was writing it! And it wasn't good then either! But it was fun to write about Liefeld's art! He was so terrible at it! And I'm not just saying that to be one of the cool people who think it's cool to make fun of Rob Liefeld because they're cool. I'm saying it because Liefeld's art is objectively bad. Maybe it's just that he's always fucking too lazy to draw well and maybe he can draw well when he wants to prove a point. But usually he doesn't and I think that means always that he can't. He once drew Slade with no left leg because he was copying the art from an old Teen Titans comic book and forgot to copy the lower half of a soldier's leg after a branch blocked part of it!
Anyway, who's up for a return of Deathstork's War Journal?!
The Commentary!
This issue begins on Danger Island, an aptly named island full of danger and also surrounded by water! So descriptive and apt! It's where the Dead Bastards live and Slade really wants to kill them. So he's visiting and killing them as he visits. He's also decided to write about it in his War Journal.
Slade usually makes a big deal about his reputation and how he always completes a job and about how his word is his bond and how he only kills for money. But today is opposite day because Slade is breaking his oath to Ra's while also killing everybody on Danger Island for free and it's the weekend so he's not on the clock at all. But all of this takes place seventeen hours after the comic book really begins, so the part where Deathstork scribbles into his War Journal, "The devil can kiss my ass," won't actually happen for awhile. Maybe when the story loops back around to that bit, I'll draw a stick figure rimming out the devil stick figure while jerking himself off. Since stick figures are mostly sticks, you probably won't be able to tell what's happening except for the fact that I just told you what will be happening. Now when you see it, you'll probably throw up.
Slade is angry at Ra's al Ghul because Ra's thinks they made one oral contract and Slade thinks they made another. Ra's doesn't care because he has a League of Lawyer Assassins to take on the case if it goes to "court". Slade seems angry because he wants people to think he loves his children and is trying to keep them safe but he really only loves for people to think he loves his children. For some reason. I don't know why he's so obsessed with those brats anyway. Why aren't they off in DC's version of Degrassi High making teenage fans cream their underwear over their relationship exploits? They're getting in the way of really good murder and mayhem in this thing!
Rose needs to suck Ra's's cock once per day or she'll die. I guess Jericho is hanging around hoping to catch whatever Rose has so he can suck Ra's's cock every day too. Slade isn't happy about it because even though he loves his children (supposedly!), he doesn't think they should be allowed to make decisions of their own, especially if they differ from his decisions.
Slade is angry at Ra's al Ghul because Ra's thinks they made one oral contract and Slade thinks they made another. Ra's doesn't care because he has a League of Lawyer Assassins to take on the case if it goes to "court". Slade seems angry because he wants people to think he loves his children and is trying to keep them safe but he really only loves for people to think he loves his children. For some reason. I don't know why he's so obsessed with those brats anyway. Why aren't they off in DC's version of Degrassi High making teenage fans cream their underwear over their relationship exploits? They're getting in the way of really good murder and mayhem in this thing!
Rose needs to suck Ra's's cock once per day or she'll die. I guess Jericho is hanging around hoping to catch whatever Rose has so he can suck Ra's's cock every day too. Slade isn't happy about it because even though he loves his children (supposedly!), he doesn't think they should be allowed to make decisions of their own, especially if they differ from his decisions.
How does that eye patch even stay on? Staples? And can women poop out of the front? Just asking for no reason.
Slade decides to give his children a parental talk even though he has an erection.
I think it was the blood flowing through their veins line that got Slade horny.
It's nice to see characters who can't imagine anything better for themselves than the same old bullshit their parents have struggled with. It's making me second guess my decision to forge my own life rather than accept that my drunk father's drunk blood flows through my veins! Why wasn't it futile for me to oppose my drunk nature?! I'm a failure!
I hope Slade is old again in his Rebirth comic book! Maybe I'll read that next because I just can't wait to see the scene where he finds he's grown old again and checks his balls.
Ra's tells his new minions that it's time to go to war because they have a bigger war that they really need to get to after this war. So chop chop, everybody! Literally! Also bang bang!
Back on Danger Island, the brains of the Dead Bastards discuss their plans for defending their island against Mystasia's intuition of a coming attack.
I hope Slade is old again in his Rebirth comic book! Maybe I'll read that next because I just can't wait to see the scene where he finds he's grown old again and checks his balls.
Ra's tells his new minions that it's time to go to war because they have a bigger war that they really need to get to after this war. So chop chop, everybody! Literally! Also bang bang!
Back on Danger Island, the brains of the Dead Bastards discuss their plans for defending their island against Mystasia's intuition of a coming attack.
According to the map on the wall, their headquarters is a 3rd Grade classroom.
Victor is a really smart leader because after they all suggest how to defend the island and they all shoot down everybody else's suggestions, Victor comes up with the best plan: kill Deathstroke first! Hey, Victor? I think that was the goal of all the other plans that were more plans than just, "I don't know. I guess we kill him good?"
Some of you might be confused about what's going on in this story so I'll try to clear things up a bit. You see, Deathstork made enemies with Lawman because Lawman was dead on a battlefield and Slade left his corpse there to rot instead of dying trying to save the corpse. But Lawman wasn't totally a corpse and was healed. But he didn't think, "Thankfully Slade left me on the battlefield where I was found and resurrected by people with the technology to make me a super person rather than dragging me along with him where I surely would have bled out in some hidey-hole as he tried to survive!" No, he thought, "Fucking Slade! What a dick checking my pulse wrong! I mean, I might have been dead with no pulse but he should have thought of something! No I will forget all of my dreams and desires for my own success and hunt Slade down until he is a big dead dum-dum!" Victor was Slade's partner who wanted Slade to make the Dead Bastards even more famous and rich. But then Lawman was all, "I'll make you more famous and rich if you literally stab Slade in the back!" So Victor did! And they all rejoiced! Except Slade got away! And now Slade wants to kill them because they want to kill him because he once went about living his own life. It all makes so much sense that I can't understand how anybody wouldn't think this was the best book ever written.
Some of you might be confused about what's going on in this story so I'll try to clear things up a bit. You see, Deathstork made enemies with Lawman because Lawman was dead on a battlefield and Slade left his corpse there to rot instead of dying trying to save the corpse. But Lawman wasn't totally a corpse and was healed. But he didn't think, "Thankfully Slade left me on the battlefield where I was found and resurrected by people with the technology to make me a super person rather than dragging me along with him where I surely would have bled out in some hidey-hole as he tried to survive!" No, he thought, "Fucking Slade! What a dick checking my pulse wrong! I mean, I might have been dead with no pulse but he should have thought of something! No I will forget all of my dreams and desires for my own success and hunt Slade down until he is a big dead dum-dum!" Victor was Slade's partner who wanted Slade to make the Dead Bastards even more famous and rich. But then Lawman was all, "I'll make you more famous and rich if you literally stab Slade in the back!" So Victor did! And they all rejoiced! Except Slade got away! And now Slade wants to kill them because they want to kill him because he once went about living his own life. It all makes so much sense that I can't understand how anybody wouldn't think this was the best book ever written.
"It's his semen!"
Deathstork's plane is shot down on the beach but Jericho uses his body possessing powers to make a shield around them. The rest of the planes land away from the crashed plane and Lawman, watching on the monitor, is all, "Well, those guys in that plane are dead! Better just ignore it now and turn our attention to the other planes. No way we'll be taken for fools!" Then Slade is all, "Let's go take Lawman and Victor and Mystasia and Snakebite as if they were fools!" Rose is all, "Great idea dad!", as she wipes semen from her lips.
Deathstork's plan is to cut off the head of the snake to kill the body. Is that a direct quote from The Art of War? Probably! The only other book it could be from is The Prince. Not The Little Prince, you jerk! That would make that book so different I might actually like it! I mean, who doesn't like The Little Prince?! It teaches so little by doing so much! I mean the opposite of that! I think. Whatever, everybody likes that book so I should probably just point out that it's been a favorite of mine since whenever it first came out. Like 2008 or something?
Deathstork's plan is to cut off the head of the snake to kill the body. Is that a direct quote from The Art of War? Probably! The only other book it could be from is The Prince. Not The Little Prince, you jerk! That would make that book so different I might actually like it! I mean, who doesn't like The Little Prince?! It teaches so little by doing so much! I mean the opposite of that! I think. Whatever, everybody likes that book so I should probably just point out that it's been a favorite of mine since whenever it first came out. Like 2008 or something?
The League of Assassins must have sent their Monkey Assassin Squad to Danger Island because they get destroyed by three opponents. Not like the battle on the beach matters anyway. The real battle is the one where Slade will kill Victor and then Ra's will kill Slade. Then Ra's will forget to check Slade's pulse and he'll walk away and then Slade will be all, "Jericho? Jericho? Did you save me?" And Jericho will be all, "Yes, father. Although I don't know why. You don't even know that my name is Joseph!"
Instead of killing Victor immediately, Slade threatens Victor long enough for Victor to push a button and drop through a trapdoor and escape into the jungles of Danger Island. I guess Deathstork's reflexes aren't what they used to be. Or this story needed to be extended a few more pages with a chase scene. Or Bonny was just, "Fuck it! Why did I have Deathstork go somewhere totally far away from the people readers really want to see him fight? I guess after Victor gets away, I'll just have them teleport back to the beach where they could have been anyway if their plane hadn't have crashed so they could sneak off to fail to kill Victor and wind up right back at the fight agains Mystasia, Lawman, and Snakebite!" So, as you may have surmised, after Victor flees, Deathstork, Jericho, Rose, and Ra's somehow appear on the beach and join in the big battle.
After all the trouble Slade had in previous issues, this time he simply stabs Mystasia in one panel, de-stings Snakebite in another, shoots Lawman in the chest in one more, and cuts off Victor's hand. Why couldn't he have been this effective five issues ago?
Ra's stops the fight to point out that this was just a big job interview and they all have jobs if they want them! If they don't, they will be killed. I've had worse job interviews. But just as Victor is going to accept the terms, Deathstork kills him which pisses of Ra's for some reason. Who cares about Victor Ruiz as a member of the League? Does Ra's need that many new people to suck his dick on a daily basis? Was Victor the greatest dicksucker in all the world?
Before Ra's can kill Deathstork in Deathstork's own book (which would be so humiliating), Jericho uses his powers--which I'm starting to suspect are more than just the ability to possess people--to force Ra's to stop fighting. He then reveals that he knows Ra's lied about Rose's life being saved by daily doses of Ra's's semen and that he got them to swear allegiance under false pretenses. What?! How dare he! He's practically a villain now in my book. Ra's decides to let Deathstork's family go because who needs rebellious assholes in your army. It's what killed the United States' draft!
And with the end of Deathstork's long road, he finally realizes that his story is a worse story when his kids are involved. And then through sheer force of will, he grows old again so that Rebirth can start where this book should never have stopped starting. Or something.
Instead of killing Victor immediately, Slade threatens Victor long enough for Victor to push a button and drop through a trapdoor and escape into the jungles of Danger Island. I guess Deathstork's reflexes aren't what they used to be. Or this story needed to be extended a few more pages with a chase scene. Or Bonny was just, "Fuck it! Why did I have Deathstork go somewhere totally far away from the people readers really want to see him fight? I guess after Victor gets away, I'll just have them teleport back to the beach where they could have been anyway if their plane hadn't have crashed so they could sneak off to fail to kill Victor and wind up right back at the fight agains Mystasia, Lawman, and Snakebite!" So, as you may have surmised, after Victor flees, Deathstork, Jericho, Rose, and Ra's somehow appear on the beach and join in the big battle.
After all the trouble Slade had in previous issues, this time he simply stabs Mystasia in one panel, de-stings Snakebite in another, shoots Lawman in the chest in one more, and cuts off Victor's hand. Why couldn't he have been this effective five issues ago?
Ra's stops the fight to point out that this was just a big job interview and they all have jobs if they want them! If they don't, they will be killed. I've had worse job interviews. But just as Victor is going to accept the terms, Deathstork kills him which pisses of Ra's for some reason. Who cares about Victor Ruiz as a member of the League? Does Ra's need that many new people to suck his dick on a daily basis? Was Victor the greatest dicksucker in all the world?
Before Ra's can kill Deathstork in Deathstork's own book (which would be so humiliating), Jericho uses his powers--which I'm starting to suspect are more than just the ability to possess people--to force Ra's to stop fighting. He then reveals that he knows Ra's lied about Rose's life being saved by daily doses of Ra's's semen and that he got them to swear allegiance under false pretenses. What?! How dare he! He's practically a villain now in my book. Ra's decides to let Deathstork's family go because who needs rebellious assholes in your army. It's what killed the United States' draft!
And with the end of Deathstork's long road, he finally realizes that his story is a worse story when his kids are involved. And then through sheer force of will, he grows old again so that Rebirth can start where this book should never have stopped starting. Or something.
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