Sunday, August 14, 2016

Deathstroke Rebirth #1

Did Deathstroke just accidentally chop his holster in half?

The Review!
Too many people somewhere along the line decided what made Slade interesting was that he was a mercenary for hire who also would do anything to protect his children. But that's stupid. Also, his kids are stupid. They're always whining and dying and doing sign language and fucking Robins and getting killed in their first appearance. They're totally annoying! The only relationship of Slade's I've ever cared anything about is his relationship with Wintergreen. And guess what?! That relationship fuels this story! Finally, a Deathstork that I can enjoy! All you other Deathstork fans who love to think he's better than he is and he isn't a monster at all can go suck farts! Man, I hope there's a scene where Wilson and Wintergreen fuck.

The Commentary!
I hope all of the Deathstroke fans have been good little girls and boys! I hope they all prayed to our loving lord and savior, Whoever, for a decent Deathstroke comic book. This is only the Rebirth issue so if you haven't offered up praise, there still may be time! Here's a prayer I wrote for us all to say before bed every night in the hopes that we will be blessed with an engaging story about our favorite sociopathic pedophile:

Whoever, hear my prayer!
Unless it's Whomever, which I don't think it is, but it might be, so whatever.
Please let Christopher Priest be the vessel through which you spread the gospel of Deathstork.
His name is fitting enough, right? "Christ Priest!" How can he be the wrong person to write this book?
If you promise to fulfill our fondest wishes and present a Deathstork comic book that makes sense,
I will promise to never masturbate again. Unless I'm really super horny and you have yet to bless me with a mate,
Which you have to admit must be your fault,
Since you are all-knowing and all-powerful.
And if you really wanted me to stop jerking off to Manga Porn,
You would have me meet someone who might find it pleasurable to lie with me,
Or at least pleasantly buzzed enough to not notice my significant flaws,
But not so drunk that we cannot come to consensual terms
(Forgive me for not knowing how to spell "consensual" at first but who would have thought it would lose the "t" and form a word with "sensual" in it).
Anyway, you probably know better than me what's best and even asking this prayer is probably pissing you off a bit,
Since it means I do not have faith in whatever you have decided is my destiny in life,
And for some reason I can't be happy with your plan,
And I want you to care more for me than you apparently actually do.
Did that come off as passive aggressive? It's really hard to know what to say to an omniscient being.
I mean, you probably knew what I was going to say long before I even said it,
And I imagine you were completely dreading this moment,
And now I feel bad that I've wasted so much of your time,
Even if you have an infinite amount left.
Please do not cut my life short for wanting a better Deathstork comic book>
Amen and Mahalo and all that other junk.

Okay! Now if we all say this prayer, we're bound to get a Deathstork comic book that we can all be proud of! I don't mean "proud" as in "I hope my parents find me reading this!" I mean proud as in "This comic book is finally about an awful, terrible person and it is riveting and I cannot tear my eyes away and Rose and Joseph are nowhere to be seen. Ptui!"

Oh! I think this is a good sign! The title all alone in a black panel with quotes around it is kind of like an independent movie! I already don't understand what's going on! That means it's smart!

The person being thrown in the snow is Grant and the person doing the throwing is Slade Wilson and I already love this version of Slade so much. He threatens to beat Grant's ass and Grant screams at him and runs off to die in the snow. I mean, he won't die, but it's not like Slade goes after him. And guess what? This Slade actually knows that his other son's name is fucking Joseph and not Jericho! Thank Christ(opher Priest)!

Although, why would running the heater on the truck all night kill the battery of the truck? Wouldn't it just run the truck out of gas? Because doesn't the truck need to be running for the heater to work? I guess Slade's truck as an electric space heater system! It's also possible, although not very likely, that the comic book is correct and I just don't know anything about cars. I know my Volkswagen wouldn't run the heater without the engine running! I think!

That story is called "The Bear" and it's either just two pages long or it'll continue throughout the book as the story that takes place in the present, "Wheelons," alternates with "The Bear." I bet they both have similar thematic elements too! I bet!

I don't know what a Wheelon is but apparently it is Deathstork and The Red Lion, the man who hired Deathstork to kill his enemies. Or something. Deathstork is actually after a man under the protection of The Red Lion. So Slade had to do a job to help Matthew get something he wanted before he betrayed a man who trusted him by allowing Deathstork access to him. There are some other political things going on as well just to show that Slade Wilson's "jobs" don't happen in a vacuum. He may be in it for the money but everybody else is just trying to not destabilize their own little pieces of the world.

Back in the past, Slade kills a mother bear to save Grant and continues to berate him. Then he goes off to kill the bear's cubs because, as he says to his lover Wintergreen, "It'd be cruel to leave them without a mother." Well it's a good thing Adeline is still alive! Otherwise Slade would have to waste a couple more bullets.

Wintergreen has arrived to take Slade to a mission to Qurac. It's probably the mission where he gets his super powers and his white hair and loses an eye. Or else he loses the eye in the normal way later when Adeline is all, "What the fuck did you say to Grant? KAPOW!" She doesn't actually say KAPOW! That's what her gun says.

The man Deathstork has been paid to kill is the Clock King. Not the one that was in Harley Quinn with Power Girl. Or the one that was in Green Arrow. This is the Rebirth one! The one who seems to be sick and exists on a seven-second delay so that he can't be shot in the face. Since Clock King arrogantly thinks Slade can't kill him, he decides to philosophize about time while Deathstork prepares a grenade. Maybe he can just cover Clock King in flames with a flamethrower for longer than seven seconds! Wouldn't that catch up to him?

Clock King does manage to give Deathstork some information that makes Slade rethink his need to fulfill every contract. Because sometimes contracts conflict with each other and if he takes the right contract at the right time, maybe he doesn't have to kill Clock King who is dying of terminal terminalness anyway!

Clock King mentions a name--Kenilworth--and Deathstork decides maybe he should make one of those new contracts now.

Jazaki is The Red Lion and, I guess, he has somebody Deathstork loves. As if Deathstork could ever love anybody! Seriously! Don't let him love people! He's a monster!

The rest of the story is about Deathstork rushing in to save the person he supposedly loves. And since it doesn't wind up being Grant or Joseph or Rose or Adeline, I could be just fine with it. But since it does wind up being Wintergreen, I'm absolutely ecstatic! Deathstork loves Wintergreen! Deathstork loves Wintergreen!

So gay!

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