Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #2

I'd be pissed too if I'd been yanked out of my regular life to be written by Cullen Bunn.

The Review!
I'm not sure how I feel about this comic book. It's not bad and it very well may be good, actually. But I have no emotional investment in it. I also don't have any intellectual investment in it. I do happen to have a $2.99 investment in it which I think was probably a poor investment. One thing I find disappointing is that DC Comics keeps covering the same ground over and over again. Perhaps that's what their company-wide overhauls are all about. The New 52 alienated current fans so that DC could repeat the same old stories for five years without too many people noticing. And now with Rebirth, they get to repeat all of their stories again while painting them as something entirely new. But you can't fool me! I mean, you usually can fool me but sometimes, you totally can't! And this is one of those times! What makes DC think readers want to read yet another story about the Green Lantern Corps battling the Sinestro Corps? We've seen it! We've read it! Well, I mean, some people have read it! But I didn't read it the other times and I don't want to read it now! I'm already rereading the Death of Superman in Action Comics! And I think Tom King is sort of writing the Azrael story again in Batman except different somehow! And Wonder Woman! Christ! Wonder Woman is just reminding everybody that she has had a lot of stories and she's going to remember them all and figure out which ones are true! But while doing that, do I have to sit back and just reread all of her old stories?! Ugh! At least New Super-man is new! Chinese knock-offs are always quirky and entertaining!

The Commentary!
The Green Lantern Corps have returned to the regularly scheduled DC Universe. But in the process, they've lost 6801 members. What a disaster! I'm not sure, plot-wise, that needed to happen. What's the difference if I can't name 7185 Green Lanterns or 384 Green Lanterns?! It's still a non-zero number of Green Lanterns who will probably never appear on the page and who will never be introduced to the readers. It really doesn't make any difference at all!

Oh wait! I know what the difference probably is! It means their fight against the Sinestro Corps will be more difficult because the sizes of the armies are about equal now. Probably. How the hell should I know how many Yellow Lanterns there are?! I can barely remember the ones who have been named! Like Arkillo! And the gay samurai! And the one with three faces!

John Stewart doesn't want to risk any of the surviving Green Lanterns so he grounds them all on Mogo out in Space Sector Fuck If I Know. But since he doesn't give a shit about Guy--ormaybe he just trusts Guy more than the others?--John asks Guy to head out into the universe and see what's going on.

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan is embarrassing some Yellow Lanterns with his fists. Which, to be perfectly blunt, is total overkill because he already embarrassed them by causing them to shit their pants when they realized the great Hal Jordan was still alive. Fear Lanterns, my chocolate starfish! More like, um, Fearful Lanterns! Ha!

Can somebody knock Lyssa in the head so she forgets all about the Book of Parallax? I'm sick of prophecies steering the ship!

Sinestro, completely jacked up on Parallax Viagra, is ready to fuck the universe, completely and unforgivably! Other than that, I don't understand what his plans are to keep the universe ordered. As long as nobody says he's not the guy keeping order, are things okay? Can people do whatever they want as long as it isn't done in a chaotic manner? Like, they can shuffle some cards even though that's random and chaotic but at least it's an orderly way of creating chaos. But if they were to fling the cards all over the room, would that be frowned upon? Or would Sinestro not care as long as they shouted, "Srrsstrrr rrs rrrsssm!¹" I might get some of my questions answered in the next scene since Sinestro is going to have to calm Soranik down and get her back on his side.

Soranik isn't too concerned about the hows and whys of controlling the universe. She just wants to know why Sinestro allowed her to think he was impotent when he knew he could pop a Parallax and be strong and vigorous again. I think we all know the answer to that question, don't we? If you've been paying attention at all, you know Sinestro manipulated Soranik to help get what he wanted by playing on her Daddy Issues.

Whoa. According to this sound effect, quite severe Daddy Issues.

Sinestro doesn't have much time to gloat over how he completely betrayed his daughter's trust because he is interrupted by a message from one of his Corps Members that Hal Jordan is still alive. I'm taken completely by surprise that he doesn't call Hal his "greatest friend and worst enemy!" He does seem a bit scared that Hal Jordan suddenly appeared as a Green Lantern. It must suck to have goals and dreams but to constantly have them crushed by the same person over and over and over again. Sinestro is like that creature, Agrajag, Arthur Dent kept killing in every one of the creature's lives². Although maybe it's actually a blessing? What I wouldn't give to be able to point to some specific thing or person besides myself that has kept me from succeeding at anything. Sinestro is so lucky to have Hal.

The issue ends with Hal running into more Yellow Lanterns as they kidnap people from one of the planets they're supposed to be protecting. I guess it's how they feed the Fear Machine, whatever that is. Maybe it's just a euphemism for Sinesro's power³.
¹That's "Sinestro is awesome" with a Parallax in your mouth.
²At least up until their encounter at Stavro Mueller's Beta.
³"Sinestro's power" is a euphemism for Parallax⁴.
⁴"Parallax" is a euphemism for Sinestro's penis.

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