Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Harley Quinn #1

I would like to think this cover means Harley is going to be more crazy-scary and less crazy-goofy-scatapulty.

The Review!
I read a lot of comic books that I know don't have any reason for existing except so that fans of the characters can give DC Comics their money and then complain that DC is writing them wrong. I know that I'm really not getting anything out of them since I'm generally not a fan of the character, and the amount I enjoy the experience is proportional to the amount I found ways to make writing about it fun. Harley Quinn isn't one of those comic books because it just seems to be the same comic book every month. Amanda and Jimmy figured out their template and they beat it into Harley fans' brains month after month. It's like eating a familiar sugar-free candy sitting in a bowl in front of me. I know what I'm going to get when I reach out for another one--a bland, uninteresting, semi-sweet taste that's gone from my memory as quickly as it's gone from my tongue--but I grab one after the other out of habit and boredom. Maybe I should take up painting instead of reading Harley Quinn comic books?

The Commentary!
I guess I misinterpreted the cover! I guess Harley chopping off somebody's hands and using them to pose for a picture is crazy-goofy-scatapulty because the issue begins by definitely sticking to the New 52 Harley recipe: lots of half-naked women and near lesbian action! It ends as if Rebirth never happened and then has the audacity to call this issue "Afterbirth" as if I haven't been calling Rebirth books that since before Rebirth even started. Probably before The New 52 even started! I can't find any proof of that but I'm sure it's out there. Just take my word for it. And if you don't, just give me some time to edit an old commentary with a bit about me calling the Post New 52 universe the Afterbirth Universe. That should convince you dumb dumbs.

Harley and Poison Ivy have gone to a spa and possibly the Bahamas just like they planned on doing at the end of Harley Quinn #30. It gives them a chance to show a lot of side-boob! They even hang out with a woman whose fuzzy pink towel somehow shows the contours of her belly button. It might even go up her vagina but there's some steam blocking her secret garden so I can't be totally sure. Except that I'm totally sure anyway. It's way up there!

Once again, Harley doesn't wind up with Poison Ivy in every crevice. This comic book is the biggest tease in the world.

After getting the nearly nude scene out of the way immediately, along with the almost sex with Poison Ivy (two staple ingredients of this book), Harley rushes right into a barrage of naughty innuendo.

Is there anything more to say about this issue? This pretty much covers the experience!

Just in case somebody picking up this comic book didn't know anything about Harley Quinn, this first issue reads a lot like if it were a Rebirth #1 issue. I don't know why Harley didn't get one of those. Maybe she accidentally had sex with Poison Ivy in it and DC had to scrap it because they hate their fans.

Apparently there is a new character named Jimm Salabim, a genie who lost his magic, who appeared in Harley Quinn Loot Crate Special which I totally don't have and will never have because Loot Crates are fucking garbage. Oh, sure! Getting presents is a lot of fun! For exactly the minute it takes to root through your new crate of crap to discover all of the secret treasures. And then you just have a big box of crap to clutter up your life. But the cool stuff makes you unique and quirky, I guess! Or at least as unique and quirky as everybody else willing to pay a monthly subscription to have somebody else tell them what they should like. Fuck you, Harley Quinn Loot Crate Special! I will never read you! Ever!

Unless you come with some candy and a surprise paranormal toy!

While Harley tells Deadfool that he's never going to put his hammer in her toolbox, the Scooby Gang are attacked by zombies. I don't know. Do you think hammer in her tool box was the way to go? Should I maybe have mentioned a drill or a screwdriver? Why is a ratchet ho called that? Is it because a ratchet fucks dozens of sockets?

The zombies are a bunch of New Yorkers who ate hot dogs made out of an alien cow. It's this whole story within a story thing that had a lot of disgusting imagery like a guy stroking off a dog and a man sucking on a horse's wiener and some nearly naked people deep throating some shlongsages. It almost made me ashamed of my own body and how many times I've put my penis in a bun and slathered it with hot mustard and relish.

And that's the final ingredient for a typical Harley Quinn comic book! The Holee Wordarollee!

Tooldude winds up getting bitten in the arm by one of the zombie people and Harley decides to cut his arm off so that he doesn't turn into a zombie too. So this is sort of like what happened to Hacken in Hitman. A probably unnecessary amputation for kicks and giggles. Tooldude whines a bit about his arm and Harley decides maybe she jumped the gun a bit. So she decides to send him and his arm to the hospital via the scatapult. I guess if I hadn't realized this entire thing was crazy goofy up until this point, the fact that the scatapult made an appearance would have clinched it.

Deadfool gets launched toward the hospital but he passes out in midair. So he'll probably plummet to his death next issue. Which is a good thing because there are way too many characters for this comic book. Although Redtool and Harley Quinn have yet to appear in their own six issue mini-series, so I imagine he'll live.

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