I love Wonder Woman's current look! Although the penis between the tits might be a little over the top.
The Commentary!
My pants are really excited about this issue because I believe Issue #1 ended with Cheetah and Wonder Woman about to kiss. Hopefully that thing doesn't happen where this issue begins at a future point in time after they've engaged in all of the stuff that happens after kissing passionately on a forest floor. The kind of stuff where a passing explorer might later remark, "Why does that monkey have underwear on his head?" Mainstream comic books love to leave out all of the good bits of life. I don't get it. Life sucks and comic books are supposed to make people feel better for the two and a half minutes it takes to read a four dollar comic book. And if I'm not getting any sex in life (hypothetical! I actually get tons! But that wouldn't make my point I'm trying to make!), I want to see people having sex in comic books. In great detail so I remember where all of the best bits touch and for how long! Maybe I'm just buying the wrong comic books! I should be buying that one with Alice from Wonderland on the cover where she has gigantic breasts and her underwear is always showing. I bet she has sex with all sorts of things! Like Mad Hatters and March Hares and Hookah Smoking Caterpillars and probably the hookah too! Then her vagina probably blows smoke rings out of it and everybody shouts either "Sexy!" or "Gross!"
My pants are really excited about this issue because I believe Issue #1 ended with Cheetah and Wonder Woman about to kiss. Hopefully that thing doesn't happen where this issue begins at a future point in time after they've engaged in all of the stuff that happens after kissing passionately on a forest floor. The kind of stuff where a passing explorer might later remark, "Why does that monkey have underwear on his head?" Mainstream comic books love to leave out all of the good bits of life. I don't get it. Life sucks and comic books are supposed to make people feel better for the two and a half minutes it takes to read a four dollar comic book. And if I'm not getting any sex in life (hypothetical! I actually get tons! But that wouldn't make my point I'm trying to make!), I want to see people having sex in comic books. In great detail so I remember where all of the best bits touch and for how long! Maybe I'm just buying the wrong comic books! I should be buying that one with Alice from Wonderland on the cover where she has gigantic breasts and her underwear is always showing. I bet she has sex with all sorts of things! Like Mad Hatters and March Hares and Hookah Smoking Caterpillars and probably the hookah too! Then her vagina probably blows smoke rings out of it and everybody shouts either "Sexy!" or "Gross!"
Dammit! This issue begins with them bathing! Probably because they got filthy from doing it on the jungle floor!
I should probably be writing something really insightful about feminism since this is a Wonder Woman comic book but what do I know about feminism?! Here's a list of ten things I learned about feminism in junior high!
1. Girls are allowed to look disgusted and run off giggling with their friends when you ask them to skate doubles with you at the roller rink. I know! I totally don't think they should be able to do this but they apparently all know they can and do! Constantly!
2. Girls don't have to spread their affection to every boy in school based on your priorities. I always thought they should like guys with big afros who write great stories but instead, 85% of them liked about five guys who were idiots and jerks but had pretty cool hair for 8th graders. And the other 15% of them liked the five girls actually dating those five guys! Also some of those guys weren't actually idiots or jerks but the rest of us guys had to believe that because how dare they have cool hair and great personalities!
3. Nice guys don't hate girls for not liking them. I think that might be the opposite definition of nice. Or it's the definition of bitter resentment.
4. Girls are just as interested as guys in exploring their growing sexuality. It's just that they have standards and most of the time they won't be exploring those things with you.
5. Sometimes you'll like a girl and she'll get exasperated with you because you're constantly staring at her and not speaking to her and she'll tell you politely to fudge off and then you do because you realize you were being creepy even though you just had serious stars and hearts in your eyes. But then after you back off and respect her distance and stop being a little creep, she reaches out to you in a lot of little ways to show that she likes you but you totally don't know how to react and blow it and walk home singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while crying your eyes out on a daily basis because you're a coward!
6. That last one might not have been something I learned about feminism but something I learned about me! Like how I was actually a pretty good human being in junior high because I didn't know I was creepy but then when it was pointed out to me, I stopped being creepy, and then it all worked out like a romantic comedy except for the part where I completely chickened out!
7. That last one wasn't something I learned about feminism either! This one probably won't be either but I'll say that here instead of wasting another number in the list after!
8. I had an older sister and I learned that guys were lewd dicks who got off on saying horrible things about her to me because they thought it was funny. It wasn't funny at all! It was confusing because I didn't know any of the sex language they were using! And I couldn't look like a naive jerk by asking them to clarify!
9. It's okay for girls to press their breasts against a boy if they choose to (like when he's trying to play Donkey Kong Jr. and they stand really close to him and press up against his arm and cause him to miss his high score) but the boy probably shouldn't bring it to the girl's attention or giggle insanely or stand up even.
10. I imagine this isn't feminist but I did learn something about boys and girls that isn't exactly fair. The boys and girls on my cousin's block used to play tackle football while growing up. At some point during junior high, we stopped playing tackle football with the girls. I sort of thought it was apparent why but nobody ever said anything, of course, because it was embarrassing to young guys still dealing with uncontrollable boners. And it's not like sweat pants helped hide a boner after tackling a girl in football and accidentally touching her butt while falling to the ground. Years later, I ran into Anig (that's a code name for her to protect her supposed innocence!) at a bar in Berkeley. As we were drinking and talking, she asked why we all stopped playing football with her at some point. It had never occurred to me that she didn't have any clue and her feelings were probably hurt that suddenly we weren't asking her to join us. Of course I told her exactly why we stopped because it wasn't an embarrassing topic any more. She laughed and understood and, I hope, had some positive closure on something that had been bothering her. From my side of it, it seemed reasonable and it was embarrassing so nobody said anything and we just went on playing football without the girls. Until that night in Berkeley, it never occurred to me that the girls were suddenly simply left out without any explanation at all. But I still don't know how the situation could have been dealt with better. I mean, I do! I could have said, "Tackling you gives me a boner!" And Anig could have said, "Really! I want to see it!" Then we could have gone off to play doctor in the bushes!
1. Girls are allowed to look disgusted and run off giggling with their friends when you ask them to skate doubles with you at the roller rink. I know! I totally don't think they should be able to do this but they apparently all know they can and do! Constantly!
2. Girls don't have to spread their affection to every boy in school based on your priorities. I always thought they should like guys with big afros who write great stories but instead, 85% of them liked about five guys who were idiots and jerks but had pretty cool hair for 8th graders. And the other 15% of them liked the five girls actually dating those five guys! Also some of those guys weren't actually idiots or jerks but the rest of us guys had to believe that because how dare they have cool hair and great personalities!
3. Nice guys don't hate girls for not liking them. I think that might be the opposite definition of nice. Or it's the definition of bitter resentment.
4. Girls are just as interested as guys in exploring their growing sexuality. It's just that they have standards and most of the time they won't be exploring those things with you.
5. Sometimes you'll like a girl and she'll get exasperated with you because you're constantly staring at her and not speaking to her and she'll tell you politely to fudge off and then you do because you realize you were being creepy even though you just had serious stars and hearts in your eyes. But then after you back off and respect her distance and stop being a little creep, she reaches out to you in a lot of little ways to show that she likes you but you totally don't know how to react and blow it and walk home singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while crying your eyes out on a daily basis because you're a coward!
6. That last one might not have been something I learned about feminism but something I learned about me! Like how I was actually a pretty good human being in junior high because I didn't know I was creepy but then when it was pointed out to me, I stopped being creepy, and then it all worked out like a romantic comedy except for the part where I completely chickened out!
7. That last one wasn't something I learned about feminism either! This one probably won't be either but I'll say that here instead of wasting another number in the list after!
8. I had an older sister and I learned that guys were lewd dicks who got off on saying horrible things about her to me because they thought it was funny. It wasn't funny at all! It was confusing because I didn't know any of the sex language they were using! And I couldn't look like a naive jerk by asking them to clarify!
9. It's okay for girls to press their breasts against a boy if they choose to (like when he's trying to play Donkey Kong Jr. and they stand really close to him and press up against his arm and cause him to miss his high score) but the boy probably shouldn't bring it to the girl's attention or giggle insanely or stand up even.
10. I imagine this isn't feminist but I did learn something about boys and girls that isn't exactly fair. The boys and girls on my cousin's block used to play tackle football while growing up. At some point during junior high, we stopped playing tackle football with the girls. I sort of thought it was apparent why but nobody ever said anything, of course, because it was embarrassing to young guys still dealing with uncontrollable boners. And it's not like sweat pants helped hide a boner after tackling a girl in football and accidentally touching her butt while falling to the ground. Years later, I ran into Anig (that's a code name for her to protect her supposed innocence!) at a bar in Berkeley. As we were drinking and talking, she asked why we all stopped playing football with her at some point. It had never occurred to me that she didn't have any clue and her feelings were probably hurt that suddenly we weren't asking her to join us. Of course I told her exactly why we stopped because it wasn't an embarrassing topic any more. She laughed and understood and, I hope, had some positive closure on something that had been bothering her. From my side of it, it seemed reasonable and it was embarrassing so nobody said anything and we just went on playing football without the girls. Until that night in Berkeley, it never occurred to me that the girls were suddenly simply left out without any explanation at all. But I still don't know how the situation could have been dealt with better. I mean, I do! I could have said, "Tackling you gives me a boner!" And Anig could have said, "Really! I want to see it!" Then we could have gone off to play doctor in the bushes!
Where is Wonder Woman putting that claw?
I don't know how that caption turned into something dirty when I really wanted to say something about the tear markings on the Cheetah and how that's a beautiful visual representation for the pain and misery that drives Cheetah to act aggressively in her new life. But instead I couldn't help seeing Wonder Woman moving the hand down low on her body and saying, "And so you remain." You know, a friend! A close friend! Also I can't stop wondering why Cheetah only has two breasts. How come she gets the fur and the claws and the spots and the ears and the tail but not four more breasts? What a waste!
While Cheetah is all "I hate you!" and Wonder Woman is all "I love hate fucks!", Steve Trevor is being portrayed as a really great guy. The kind of guy that Superman should be but isn't which is why Wonder Woman is totally going to go back for some of that "first dick she ever saw" action! I almost typed "first dick she ever tasted" action but I thought that would be too sexist and gross and might turn me on a little bit while typing it (it did).
Steve Trevor has decided to strike out with his men without orders from Etta Candy so he can save the young girls of a tribe kidnapped by some maniac named Cadulo. They find themselves wandering into a scary, overgrown forest that wasn't there before. Total woman coming of age metaphor!
Cheetah and Wonder Woman are attacked by Hyena-men who aren't the same Hyena-men who worship Cheetah. Instead they worship some other god. Some male god! Remember to read italicized words with rancor and bitter resentment dripping from your lips! Or your mind lips if you're a normal person and not reading this aloud.
Cheetah begins devouring her enemies like a good warrior cheetah woman but Wonder Woman is all, "Dude! Dude! Seriously, dude!" Then she hugs Cheetah tenderly until Cheetah cries and reveals that she is being tortured by a Urzkartaga, the male god, her groom. Wonder Woman is all, "Men!"
Meanwhile, Steve Trevor and his men have been captured by Cadulo who either is Urzkartaga or serves Urzkartaga. It's hard to tell with all these secret identity things happening in comic books! Either way, Steve Trevor is all, "Men!" Which means Steve and Diana's stories are totally beginning to come together! That was a sex reference! Because they're going to have sex! Again! Probably while Cheetah is curled up at the foot of the bed trying to pretend that two monkeys aren't copulating the copulate out of each other three inches from her face.
The Review!
Wonder Woman solves a problem with hugs which is totally the Wonder Woman that I expect from a feminist hugger like Greg Rucka! It's also the Wonder Woman I prefer. I don't know what that says about me. But if you are the type who think Wonder Woman should be a bloodthirsty lunatic, you get a little bit of that Wonder Woman too! Because she promises to help Cheetah kill that male god, Urzkartaga! I think that's more symbolic of her agreement to kill the patriarchy and misogyny and Frank Cho's covers. When the confrontation happens, she'll probably abstain from killing to allow somebody else, like Steve Trevor, to finish the guy off. It's always better if the superhero retains their attitude against bloodshed but still allows other, weaker, more violent humans to do the killing for them. It's practically Batman's go-to move!
While Cheetah is all "I hate you!" and Wonder Woman is all "I love hate fucks!", Steve Trevor is being portrayed as a really great guy. The kind of guy that Superman should be but isn't which is why Wonder Woman is totally going to go back for some of that "first dick she ever saw" action! I almost typed "first dick she ever tasted" action but I thought that would be too sexist and gross and might turn me on a little bit while typing it (it did).
Steve Trevor has decided to strike out with his men without orders from Etta Candy so he can save the young girls of a tribe kidnapped by some maniac named Cadulo. They find themselves wandering into a scary, overgrown forest that wasn't there before. Total woman coming of age metaphor!
Cheetah and Wonder Woman are attacked by Hyena-men who aren't the same Hyena-men who worship Cheetah. Instead they worship some other god. Some male god! Remember to read italicized words with rancor and bitter resentment dripping from your lips! Or your mind lips if you're a normal person and not reading this aloud.
Cheetah begins devouring her enemies like a good warrior cheetah woman but Wonder Woman is all, "Dude! Dude! Seriously, dude!" Then she hugs Cheetah tenderly until Cheetah cries and reveals that she is being tortured by a Urzkartaga, the male god, her groom. Wonder Woman is all, "Men!"
Meanwhile, Steve Trevor and his men have been captured by Cadulo who either is Urzkartaga or serves Urzkartaga. It's hard to tell with all these secret identity things happening in comic books! Either way, Steve Trevor is all, "Men!" Which means Steve and Diana's stories are totally beginning to come together! That was a sex reference! Because they're going to have sex! Again! Probably while Cheetah is curled up at the foot of the bed trying to pretend that two monkeys aren't copulating the copulate out of each other three inches from her face.
The Review!
Wonder Woman solves a problem with hugs which is totally the Wonder Woman that I expect from a feminist hugger like Greg Rucka! It's also the Wonder Woman I prefer. I don't know what that says about me. But if you are the type who think Wonder Woman should be a bloodthirsty lunatic, you get a little bit of that Wonder Woman too! Because she promises to help Cheetah kill that male god, Urzkartaga! I think that's more symbolic of her agreement to kill the patriarchy and misogyny and Frank Cho's covers. When the confrontation happens, she'll probably abstain from killing to allow somebody else, like Steve Trevor, to finish the guy off. It's always better if the superhero retains their attitude against bloodshed but still allows other, weaker, more violent humans to do the killing for them. It's practically Batman's go-to move!
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