Saturday, August 6, 2016

Aquaman #4

Poseidon loves to cup a good ball sack.

The Review!
So Dan Abnett is writing a decent Aquaman comic book. It's even better than decent if you can stomach reading about Aquaman and even better than better than decent if you love international diplomacy stories! And if you enjoy the corpses of American servicemen being eaten by sharks, well have I got a fucking cherry on top for you! Seriously though. I don't think I made fun of Aquaman once during this commentary! I mean, I probably did. But I didn't thoroughly enjoy it like I usually do. I was probably thinking, "Why am I being so mean when Aquaman is just trying to do the right thing?" No wait. I was thinking, "I hope Aquaman spanks Mera's naked bottom next issue for being so naughty!"

The Commentary!
Every day I think, "This is the day I'm going to sit down and really take a good whack at the comic book stack! I can get on a roll and write five or six reviews, maybe read a few old New Titans, call Deathstroke 'Douch├ęstork' a few times, and answer one or two asks as sarcastically as possible!" Then I sit down, check Twitter, get annoyed by the morons I know on Facebook, sigh, and go play the Xbox for six hours. Partially that's because I had a stressful work week. Owning your own business sometimes comes with having to do work things during times not allocated for work! I know. It's fucking ridiculous. You'd think that by owning your own business, you could just goof around all day telling other people to get to work. I suppose I need more employees than just me for that to happen though. But then, who wants to work with other people? They're all fucking ridiculous!

On the plus side, I got to meet Old Man Roger on Wednesday. He retired from the floor cleaning supplies retail business twenty years ago. He sold me a used floor buffer for three hundred dollars which is far less than I thought I was going to have to pay when my old one broke down on Sunday night. He also tried to sell me a scrubber, another buffer, a broom, his garage, and I think his granddaughter. If I had known he had so many things and people to sell, I would have made some room in the work van before driving out to where he lived at Bumfuck Farms. I will say one of those things he offered me really made my dick hard. But for $1700, I just couldn't justify buying another floor scrubber.

Last issue, Aquaman was arrested by the US Government for being a boring idiot. Mera tried to get him to argue but he was all, "Shh, Mera. You know they're right." He then went quietly to jail. I'm surprised he didn't keep yelling, "Diplomatic immunity!" Maybe that doesn't work anymore now that anybody can be held for any reason, as long as a white person thinks they're a terrorist.

Maybe if you tightened up your material. I mean, seriously, a turbot? Nobody is laughing at the mention of a turbot. Maybe if it were a sight gag, sure! But you're just confusing land dwellers with the word.

Aquaman wants the relationship between Atlantis and the United States of America to work out so badly that he makes a huge mistake. He allows the government to detain him without any proper procedure at all! A battleship is sunk by people who are probably of the Atlantean race and it's automatically an act of war and a reason to detain the leader of the foreign power? We all see how ridiculous that is, right? I mean, it makes for a good story in that it allows Aquaman to play the stoic, righteous man trying to retain his dignity in the face of incompetence and paranoia! But it's still stupid.

Mera gets on her shell phone (I stole that joke from a ceramic mermaid in a toilet paper commercial! Unless the commercial is for an Audi or cat food. I'm terrible at remembering the brands attached to advertisements!) to call Atlantis and bitch about how the US is fucking Aquaman. I was going to say she's on the phone "bitching," but I realized that's totally...oh wait! I did say "bitch". Never mind.

Tula is on the other end of the shell trying to calm Mera down. You know Tula! It's Aquagirl! Her Rebirth outfit is yellow and green because Aquaman must have ordered her to look more ridiculous than he does. Tula is currently regent of Atlantis which means she's in charge but people totally roll their eyes when she gives a command. So many magistrates and officials under her are making jerk-off hand motions whenever she gives an order that they've created a tsunami that will probably wipe out the Canary Islands. That could probably be an apocalyptic coal mine joke if you wanted it to be.

Tula is having trouble with the people of Atlantis because they're demanding Tula do something about Aquaman's captivity. How do they know about it already?! These things need to be handled discreetly, Tula! No wonder you'll never be more than a regent! While discussing the situation with Mera, Tula says, about being on land, "I remember cotton candy, the best thing ever." Dan Abnett included that because it's the kind of stupid cute shit the young people like. "Oh my god! Tula loves cotton candy! It's totally canon! I'm screaming!" I'm just saddened by the thought because she can never enjoy cotton candy under the sea.

Murk and the Drift investigate the scene of the sunken American battleship. It's pretty cool because there are dead soldiers everywhere and sharks swimming around eating their dicks. That was a reference to a previous commentary. Try to keep up! I do that sometimes because I only ever read the things I write. You won't get any tired Biblical allegories out of me! No way! It's all self-referential masturbatory bullshit up in here!

While Murk is investigating, he waits around too long because that adds to the drama.

It would be a boring comic book if Murk and the Drift hadn't been sighted by the military!

Murk engages in combat with the military while saying incriminating things like, "We are discovered!" and "Americans can suck my nuts!" He really isn't a very good diplomat. Although who hasn't yelled "Americans can suck my nuts!" one or two times in their life? Per week, I mean.

Meanwhile, Black Manta is flying around in a NEMO airplane called an Albatross. It's called that because that's a sea bird and it glides for long stretches of time without having to land. That's the totality of my knowledge of albatrosses unless you want me to start singing Iron Maiden. Black Manta learns that NEMO stands for "Nautical Enforcement of Macrocosmic Order" which is stupid because all comic book acronyms are ultimately stupid. That's because they're made up after the fact. You want an organization that revolves around conquest of the oceans? How about NEMO! You want an organization that has eyes everywhere? ARGUS! You want an organization the you're too stupid to think up words to fit the acronym? NOWHERE! You want an organization that both hides in the shadows and casts its shadow across the world? SHADE! You want an organization for a science and research lab that's actually a pretty fucking good one and not surprising DC has used it for so long? STAR Labs!

Black Jack lets Black Manta know that she isn't appropriating the term "black" at all because she's probably got some African ancestors five or six generations back. She also lets him know that NEMO has been controlling the oceans since 1983. So Pre-crisis! I think she also almost reveals that their leader is Ocean Master. She calls him the Fisher King so it's either him or Jesus. Or maybe a third person I haven't thought of yet. Like maybe Fisherman? I could see why they might want to update his super villain name to Fisher King! I mean, Fisherman? Somebody pulled a paycheck thinking up that one?

Back at the White House, some high-minded official decides to threaten to arrest Mera which is exactly the wrong move if you want things to go peacefully but totally the right move if this is a comic book. And it is a comic book, so good writing, Dan Abnett! More drama is about to ensue as Mera breaks Arthur out of his holding cell just as he's about to talk his way out diplomatically. Oh Mera! You're such a red-headed female! I mean, you're passionate! I don't know why I said those other stereotypical things. I just meant she's a total individual and she could have been meek or passionate even with red hair but she wound up being passionate!

See? Like I said! Passionate!

Aquaman and Mera break out of the holding facility to find themselves surrounded by a good percentage of the United States military. Well, it was a good attempt, Mera. It's just that usually when people attempt something and fail, it doesn't wind up starting a war.

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