Everything on this cover pales in comparison to the name "von Grawbadger".
The Review!
This comic book has done so many about faces that I'm throwing up. First the world is going to be terraformed. Then it's not. Now it is again. First Green Lantern doesn't want to help the world. Then he does. Then he gives up his ring. Then he gets it back. First Dick loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid! I haven't checked but I don't think I'm exaggerating on the amount of times he found and lost his kid. Anyway, the book should be over soon and Earth-Too should once again be Earth-2! I hope. I've definitely had enough of this broken planet full of paranoid assholes who won't even try to use solar power. I'm also sick of the people on the planet in the comic book!
The Commentary!
Last issue, two major plot developments took place. First, Dick Grayson finally found his son. Second, everybody decided to start calling the Pandora Vessel "The Pandora Casket". Both revelations rocked the foundations of what comic books could be! Who knew you could just start referring to something as something completely different! But Dan Abnett thinks outside of the box, or the vessel, or the casket...whatever! He decided to look continuity straight in the eye and say, "Not today!" Or maybe he just forgot what he had been calling it and his editors were just phoning it in at this point because who cares about a non-Rebirth book at this point? Also, and this is a controversial position, maybe switching "vessel" to "casket" isn't as big a deal to Continuity Nerds as I would have expected. But this is a serious change of characterization of Pandora's Whatever! Vessels and Caskets aren't generally used to hold the same types of things! Which, now that I think about it, is probably why Abnett changed it to a casket. Vessel seems to describe it's purpose, to house and transport the souls of another world (which I totally imagine as a soupy liquid, another thing a vessel would hold!). But a casket seems to describe its superficial look. It's a small, ornamental box. Although a casket is also used to hold precious things, so I guess...what the fuck am I talking about?! Obviously the most important thing to happen was Dick Grayson finally reuniting with his kid!
Ultra-Humanite has convinced Dick's kid that he's his ape-father. But Dick's kid, John, remembers what his dad looks like and that he's not a monkey of any kind (unless you believe in that gobbledygook evolution crap!). Now John has two dads and not in the way most Americans have two dads. You know, because your mom and dad divorced and your mom remarried. The other way, where your two dads love each other and make strange grunting noises in their bedroom, is less common. It's even less common to have two dads where one is a monkey with the most disgusting head I've ever seen. Wear a fucking hat, Ultry!
Should I criticize the art for the first eight pages? No, I don't think I should. Normally I wouldn't mind criticizing the art. But this art is so bad and amateurish that I would feel like a professional kickboxer strutting out onto an elementary school playground and reaping the whirlwind. My words versus their art? It just wouldn't be a fair fight.
I hope the big surprise ending is that Ultra-Humanite manages to steal the casket and use it thus transforming Earth-Too into the Earth-2 everybody knows and sort of likes in small doses because that's the Earth where he had the most fun. He'll make an Earth-2 with conflicts and villains and superheroes and wars and, hopefully, super pets! And yes, by super pets, I mean Infinity Inc. Burn!
This comic book has done so many about faces that I'm throwing up. First the world is going to be terraformed. Then it's not. Now it is again. First Green Lantern doesn't want to help the world. Then he does. Then he gives up his ring. Then he gets it back. First Dick loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid! I haven't checked but I don't think I'm exaggerating on the amount of times he found and lost his kid. Anyway, the book should be over soon and Earth-Too should once again be Earth-2! I hope. I've definitely had enough of this broken planet full of paranoid assholes who won't even try to use solar power. I'm also sick of the people on the planet in the comic book!
The Commentary!
Last issue, two major plot developments took place. First, Dick Grayson finally found his son. Second, everybody decided to start calling the Pandora Vessel "The Pandora Casket". Both revelations rocked the foundations of what comic books could be! Who knew you could just start referring to something as something completely different! But Dan Abnett thinks outside of the box, or the vessel, or the casket...whatever! He decided to look continuity straight in the eye and say, "Not today!" Or maybe he just forgot what he had been calling it and his editors were just phoning it in at this point because who cares about a non-Rebirth book at this point? Also, and this is a controversial position, maybe switching "vessel" to "casket" isn't as big a deal to Continuity Nerds as I would have expected. But this is a serious change of characterization of Pandora's Whatever! Vessels and Caskets aren't generally used to hold the same types of things! Which, now that I think about it, is probably why Abnett changed it to a casket. Vessel seems to describe it's purpose, to house and transport the souls of another world (which I totally imagine as a soupy liquid, another thing a vessel would hold!). But a casket seems to describe its superficial look. It's a small, ornamental box. Although a casket is also used to hold precious things, so I guess...what the fuck am I talking about?! Obviously the most important thing to happen was Dick Grayson finally reuniting with his kid!
Ultra-Humanite has convinced Dick's kid that he's his ape-father. But Dick's kid, John, remembers what his dad looks like and that he's not a monkey of any kind (unless you believe in that gobbledygook evolution crap!). Now John has two dads and not in the way most Americans have two dads. You know, because your mom and dad divorced and your mom remarried. The other way, where your two dads love each other and make strange grunting noises in their bedroom, is less common. It's even less common to have two dads where one is a monkey with the most disgusting head I've ever seen. Wear a fucking hat, Ultry!
Should I criticize the art for the first eight pages? No, I don't think I should. Normally I wouldn't mind criticizing the art. But this art is so bad and amateurish that I would feel like a professional kickboxer strutting out onto an elementary school playground and reaping the whirlwind. My words versus their art? It just wouldn't be a fair fight.
I hope the big surprise ending is that Ultra-Humanite manages to steal the casket and use it thus transforming Earth-Too into the Earth-2 everybody knows and sort of likes in small doses because that's the Earth where he had the most fun. He'll make an Earth-2 with conflicts and villains and superheroes and wars and, hopefully, super pets! And yes, by super pets, I mean Infinity Inc. Burn!
It's also possible this art style is genius and just beyond me. I mean, I never fucking gave a shit about Nirvana, so what do I know about genius?! I think my main problem is how different this is for a replacement artist in a superhero comic book. I'd be absolutely fine, and maybe even intrigued, if this were the style in stand alone story in an issue of Heavy Metal.
My comment about Heavy Metal might be apt because on the next page, Fury has the biggest camel-toe I've ever seen! Amazonian vaginas must be huge! I bet the only person who could give oral sex to an Amazon without drowning would be Aquaman! Oh, and Batman, I guess. But it would be weird having Duke Thomas standing off to the side keeping track of how long Batman was holding his breath.
John, or Firepattern, escapes out the window without the casket but Batman manages to put a Bat-tracker on him. Batman then tells Huntress to hunt him down. Hopefully she doesn't find him and start making out with him. He might look like a nearly grown man but he's just six years old! He's not ready for penetration yet!
Huntress goes after John by jumping out of the window of the skyscraper. She can't fly, right? I guess I'll find out if Huntress becomes a splotch on the sidewalk in the eagerly awaited Earth Too: Society Annual #1! I wasn't being sarcastic about the eagerly awaited part because I'm sure Dan Abnett's mom can't wait to show the issue around to all of her friends. Unless she's like my mom and then she's hoping they don't see anything he writes and often tells people her son is in prison for unspeakable crimes.
Oh, and Huntress's search for Firepattern won't lead back to Ultra-Humanite because he bailed on John. He doesn't like kids who disobey because how do they ignore his mind control?! Fucking selfish bastards.
With the Ultra-Humanite's first attack thwarted, the Wonders regroup.
John, or Firepattern, escapes out the window without the casket but Batman manages to put a Bat-tracker on him. Batman then tells Huntress to hunt him down. Hopefully she doesn't find him and start making out with him. He might look like a nearly grown man but he's just six years old! He's not ready for penetration yet!
Huntress goes after John by jumping out of the window of the skyscraper. She can't fly, right? I guess I'll find out if Huntress becomes a splotch on the sidewalk in the eagerly awaited Earth Too: Society Annual #1! I wasn't being sarcastic about the eagerly awaited part because I'm sure Dan Abnett's mom can't wait to show the issue around to all of her friends. Unless she's like my mom and then she's hoping they don't see anything he writes and often tells people her son is in prison for unspeakable crimes.
Oh, and Huntress's search for Firepattern won't lead back to Ultra-Humanite because he bailed on John. He doesn't like kids who disobey because how do they ignore his mind control?! Fucking selfish bastards.
With the Ultra-Humanite's first attack thwarted, the Wonders regroup.
What does Flash think they're trying to do? Kill some time so he dies and they can go home? You know, like most employees!
Commander Sato determines that the group who attacked had to be working for someone. I'm glad somebody in this group has the nerve to say the obvious! Now that they're all on the same page, they can start rubbing their chins and saying things like, "But who could it be?!"
Alan Scott comes in to answer the question before it's even asked! He also confuses me about how to type the brainy monkey's name! He says Ultrahumanite but he cover says Ultra-Humanite. Dash or no dash?! I'm going to check my Who's Who and rely on it! Answers from 1985 have to be correct because they're so old, right? Let's see...it's with a dash! Alan Scott just said it wrong! Probably due to his head injury.
Pacifist Superman begins an argument with Fury because I think he really likes to fight. He claimed to be a pacifist back when he was locked in a vault for years. It's easy to not fight anybody when there's nobody around to fight! But just spend a few hours around other people and you'll never want to be a pacifist again. You may even begin to understand preemptive strikes better! Although if you're on some kind of oxy or vicodin, you probably won't realize how utterly horrible and annoying your fellow human beings are. I completely understand why people get addicted to that shit. Why would you want to argue with an idiot in the office when you can just float gently on a cloud while they make calm, buzzing noises?
Before a fight can break out, Jay Garrick and Hawkcop come in crying. "Steel is dying!" he cries. "He's dying and you're all in here fuck-fighting with boners and slick vaginas! Have you no respect?!" He probably should come in and say, "Does anybody know in here know how to weld?!"
Alan Scott's plan is to try to work with the Ultra-Humanite. I wonder if Alan is really just into bears? I know he's a monkey but...oh, never mind!
Alan Scott comes in to answer the question before it's even asked! He also confuses me about how to type the brainy monkey's name! He says Ultrahumanite but he cover says Ultra-Humanite. Dash or no dash?! I'm going to check my Who's Who and rely on it! Answers from 1985 have to be correct because they're so old, right? Let's see...it's with a dash! Alan Scott just said it wrong! Probably due to his head injury.
Pacifist Superman begins an argument with Fury because I think he really likes to fight. He claimed to be a pacifist back when he was locked in a vault for years. It's easy to not fight anybody when there's nobody around to fight! But just spend a few hours around other people and you'll never want to be a pacifist again. You may even begin to understand preemptive strikes better! Although if you're on some kind of oxy or vicodin, you probably won't realize how utterly horrible and annoying your fellow human beings are. I completely understand why people get addicted to that shit. Why would you want to argue with an idiot in the office when you can just float gently on a cloud while they make calm, buzzing noises?
Before a fight can break out, Jay Garrick and Hawkcop come in crying. "Steel is dying!" he cries. "He's dying and you're all in here fuck-fighting with boners and slick vaginas! Have you no respect?!" He probably should come in and say, "Does anybody know in here know how to weld?!"
Alan Scott's plan is to try to work with the Ultra-Humanite. I wonder if Alan is really just into bears? I know he's a monkey but...oh, never mind!
What does the Ultra-Humanite think the Green Lantern is? The One Ring? Nerd!
Ultra-Humanite uses his mind control powers to possess Alan Scott and force Alan to reclaim his ring. Which is weird, I suppose, because the whole point of the last story was to incapacitate Green Lantern. And it was Ultra-Humanite's plan because Green Lantern was the only one he thought could defeat him. And now he forces him to get his ring back because he believes he can control him? This plan doesn't make any sense. Why not stick with your seventy Humanites army who all used to be toddlers and who you feel can take over the world without Green Lantern in their way? Why suddenly do this? Because the stupid kids failed on their first attack? Now they'll fail for sure if Ultra-Humanite loses control of Green Lantern.
Ultra-Humanite sends Green Lantern to steal the Pandora Casket so he can take it back to Ultra-Humanite and he can recreate Earth-2. I hope! Maybe he'll just make a planet of sexy naked ape women with four breasts each. Unless he's into male gorillas. Then he can make a bunch of sexy naked ape men with double the amount of normal ape dongs. I'm guessing that would be two but I've never personally examined a naked ape and don't know for sure.
Ultra-Humanite sends Green Lantern to steal the Pandora Casket so he can take it back to Ultra-Humanite and he can recreate Earth-2. I hope! Maybe he'll just make a planet of sexy naked ape women with four breasts each. Unless he's into male gorillas. Then he can make a bunch of sexy naked ape men with double the amount of normal ape dongs. I'm guessing that would be two but I've never personally examined a naked ape and don't know for sure.
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