Saturday, August 13, 2016

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4

Whenever this comic book gets to the top of the stack, I seem to take a day off.

The Review!
I hate the phrases "meh" and "it is what it is" because they're used to say, "I don't even think enough of whatever is happening to put any coherent thought into thinking about it." But, well, here's my review of Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4: "It is! I can't do it! I can't even do it as a joke! God help me I can't do it!"

The Commentary!
The issue begins with Hannah Borgman battling a Chuck Norris Waiter in Sy Borgman's hotel room. I don't remember if that's where the last issue left off or not. The only thing I remember about the last issue was that Tieri used "whomever" when he should have used "whoever" and Bolly Quinn's parents serve mint chocolate chip ice cream at their Indian restaurant. That's my fault though because I haven't been paying this comic book the respect it would deserve if all comic books deserved respect which they don't and this is one of them. It's not bad in the way Grifter was bad back when Grifter was somehow thought of as a publishable comic book. It might even be entertaining to somebody just wanting to sit down and relax after a hard day of human trafficking or gun running. But to a discerning, intelligent person like I pretend to be, it's just not up to my high standards. Technically, no DC Comics book is up to my high standards. But I figure if I were reviewing Heavy Metal, I'd basically be running a porn site.

Oh, my standards aren't high because they're pretentiously academic! They're high because they insist on some lesbian action! And not any old lesbian action! I need the male gaze kind of lesbian action where you can imagine the two women having sex have to keep stopping and asking, "Am I doing this right? Is this where my tongue is supposed to go?" Oh yeah! That's some hot stuff!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys probably should be that kind of comic book. I mean, it is being written by two white males who I'm also fairly certain are heterosexual since Jimmy is married to Amanda and Frank Tieri once wrote a script where one character tried to humiliate another by putting gay porn in his backpack. And you don't write that scene unless you're a jerk heterosexual or a self-hating homosexual. So, well, you know. Maybe I'm wrong about Frank.

That wasn't meant to be read as me trying to humiliate Frank for being gay! That was just me admitting that I might possibly be wrong in one of my assumptions. And me admitting I might be wrong happens far less than me actually being wrong! So, you know, enjoy the moment!

The Chuck Norris Waiter battling Hannah says, "You've got heart, kid. I'll give you that. Shame I gotta cut it out now." Too bad this isn't the original script because I bet it would have Frank Tieri's semen all over it as he knocked out a congratulatory wank for thinking up such a cool action line. But even better, Hannah gets to say a line about the real shame that takes about ten seconds which goes along with her kicking a suitcase into the feet of Chuck Norris Waiter which takes about half a second. Now that's the real shame! How comic book dialogue never works with the timing of the action. Also, nobody ever seems to be out of breath after a fight even though they jabber incessantly through the entire thing.

Hannah gets sliced open in the fight and Chuck Norris Waiter gets knocked off the balcony. He'll probably be back because everybody knows people falling off of hotel balconies wind up landing in the pool. And Hannah will almost certainly be okay because the violence in Harley Quinn comic books is cartoon violence. The only people who die are the ones who never mattered anyway or whose deaths simply serve to move the plot along swiftly and in the right direction.

The scene changes to Harley Quinn waking up on a deserted island that's also a dick gag.

See? The testicles are the cocoNUTS! This comic book has the most sophisticated penis humor.

Harley Quinn decides to make some Jaws references because Frank Tieri is writing this book and he loves movie references! He can't get enough of them! I guess if you can't write the character you're supposed to be writing, you might as well just write the kinds of things you want to talk about. Although I wouldn't put it past Harley to be obsessed with Jaws. I accidentally typed Jawas at first and of course the internet is full of Jawas movie posters parodying the Jaws poster. That'll do, Internet. That'll do.

Harley discovers she's actually in a simulation chamber run by Harley Sinn and not on an island at all. Harley Sinn is able to change Harley's world and outfit on a whim. She'll probably end this scene by saying, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Also, Harley really is on a deserted island! I mean, it's deserted by everybody but Harley Sinn who has made it into her evil headquarters. Her Castle Harleyskull has a volcano and robot sharks and corpses on spikes and the simulation chamber. She's either so rich that she can pursue anything she wants (which is to have Harley Quinn as a friend, apparently) or she took out a loan from The Ninth Circle. Now she needs Harley on her team so they can go on a crime spree to pay back the interest on The Ninth Circle loan. Or she'll get lucky and Green Arrow will destroy The Ninth Circle and nobody will have to pay back their loans and all the villains will suddenly find they're debt gone leaving them no reason to continue to be criminals. Green Arrow might just save the world!

The Gang of Harleys track down Harley Sinn's father, Dick Brand, who is a rich guy that totally isn't a caricature of some actual rich guy. So that's where Harley Sinn gets all of her money. Dick Brand decides to help the Gang of Harleys because he's tired of throwing money at his daughter to make her go away. So he draws them a map to her secret island headquarters and they're off to save Harley Quinn. Although there are still two issues left so it won't be quick and easy. Darn it.

The Gang of Harleys encounter some typical evil mastermind traps and evade them. They even encounter explosives shaped like Eggy but nobody even makes an eggsplosive joke! Was I supposed to just assume that was the joke? Stupid subtlety! Eventually they encounter robot versions of Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Power Girl. So they're probably going to be defeated by robots. Good thing Harley is escaping on her own.

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