Friday, August 12, 2016

Bloodlines #5

This will make a great blog entry.

The Review!
Bloodlines is a comic book about a bunch of kids who were dealt an amazing hand but realized they were playing Pai gow and they didn't know how to set up their hands so they were all, "This sucks! I'm a loser!" Then they sat their pouting at the table thinking they were going to lose all of their money while everybody else at the table really was going to lose their money but didn't make a big deal out of it. Then this old guy was all, "Can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear!" as he set his losing hand down. Luckily he looked over and was all, "Hey, kids! You guys have great hands! Let me fix them up for you! You're sure to win now!" Although that part won't happen until Issue #6. Right now the kids still think they've been dealt shitty hands and are being dramatic in that way that only teenagers can be dramatic. You know the way if you're not a teenager! If you are a teenager, I'm just kidding. You guys aren't dramatic at all! Ha ha! Just kidding!

For a comic book about characters that nobody gives a shit about because they've just been created, it's not too bad. It's not going to make anybody care about a second Bloodlines series but it'll be a surprisingly okay read when somebody in the future buys them all out of a quarter box for a buck fifty.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with all the members of the up and coming Bloodlines Gang sitting around a garage not saying anything. The script probably read, "Page One: Whatever. Who cares? Fuck everything." If it didn't, don't steal that idea! I'm copymarking that right now! Then on Page Two everybody will be happy because the weight of feeling judged has been lifted from their shoulders. Then on Page Three, I'll have to introduce a character who totally cares about stuff like crazy because the movie will need conflict. That character will be the bad guy because they'll make everybody super unhappy by pointing out how they shouldn't be doing or saying things that hurt other people's feelings. But the people are all, "What the fuck? Who cares?! Everything is groovy!" And then the bad guy will explain why their feelings should be hurt by what the other people are doing and discord will be sewn and everything will go to Hell and fuck me. I just wrote the Garden of Eden story. Stupid Bible. It copymarked my story before I could even finish it!

The Bloodlines Gang are inside Stu's garage which inexplicably has the name of the garage on the inside window of the door. I guess that's so the employees don't forget where they work.

It also says "Stu's" right on the inside window of the door! Can't you read?

The way Haley is dressed reminds me that I saw a woman in her underwear as I walked by her house last night. It was the second floor window and there's usually a dog's head lolling out the window as if the people inside are just desperately filling it with farts. While the Non-Certified Spouse and I were walking by on the other side of the street, I checked to see if the dog was there and he was! I pointed it out to the Non-Certified Spouse, she glanced at it, acknowledged, "Yes, that's a dog," and then continued talking. I kept looking at the dog and a woman walked by in a short white shirt and black panties. From that point on, I don't remember anything the Non-Certified Spouse said.

Duncan the Urban Hunter begins to tell the Bloodlines Gang the story about how he killed his wife and son. He's all, "They got sick and I was all, 'Ugh! I have to take care of them both! Stupid wife getting sick at the same time as the kid! I'm calling my divorce lawyer!' But then I had a better idea! I would pretend they died and turned into zombies and I had to shoot their brains out! Worked like a charm! Except the part where the police were all, 'Wow! You saved us from a real outbreak! But I bet there are more of them out there. You'd better go kill more zombies or we're going to get suspicious!' So I had to go out and start killing more people and pretending they were zombies! And you kids are next!"

Eddie talks Duncan out of killing them by offering to be killed. I'm still trying to figure out how that one worked. Maybe I'll try it at the bar later. I'll go up to a potential sex encounter and say, "I totally don't want you sitting on my face as soon as possible." And if it works like Eddie's trick just worked, I'll be drowning in crotch sweat! Or it might just work how it usually works where the woman makes a face like she just saw the inside of an overturned outhouse and strangles out a noise like she's choking on a jellyfish. People do know they can just say no politely, right?! Gross, inappropriate perverts have feelings too!

I bet she's whispering something poetic like "My tender rose is red, your huge cock is blue, put it inside me right now, asshole." So romantic!

I wonder where Dana and Haley get their clothing? The fabric is strange! It shows every single contour of their body right down to the belly button and stomach muscles but it doesn't show a hint of a nipple! I'd love to find out where those clothes come from and burn the fucking place to the ground! I miss clothing that shows nipples! What happened to America?! Trump is right! It isn't great at all! I remember in the seventies when they couldn't figure out how to make shirts that didn't show nipples! What a time to be alive! Too bad I was like six or something.

The Bloodlines Gang discover the entire town has been turned into brainless...oh wait! That's how they usually are. But they don't usually march in the street and bitchslap the people they know like they're doing now! Luckily Duncan the Urban Hunter doesn't decide to begin killing them all because he quickly decides they're under a spell. I don't know how he tells the difference between Bloodline Zombie and Person He Probably Shouldn't Kill. Maybe he just doesn't have enough ammunition to shoot up a whole town.

Oh! A metaphor about religion happened to them! They're not braindead! They're brainwashed!

The first time I heard somebody say "God helps those who help themselves," I became an atheist because why the fuck do I need God then? What an asshole! He should help those who can't help themselves! What is he? An Ayn Randian?! Fucking dick!

Actually, I never believed in god. Nobody ever told me I was supposed to! Also, nobody told me I wasn't supposed to. Nobody butted in at all and here's a little secret: if nobody teaches you to believe in god, you won't believe in god. Why should you?! The natural state of being is atheism. Everything else is propaganda!

Blake tells the Bloodlines Gang not to hurt anybody when they start attacking. I don't know how they're supposed to do that. Blake himself makes things blow up. How does he use that to not hurt somebody? And Haley turns into a hot knife that I would love to see buttered. And Eddie turns into a Marvel lawsuit. And Dana uses electricity which I think is harmful to people. Sometimes it's just exhilarating though. Also, I think Dana is going to hurt some people because I saw the cover.

This is the panel after Blake says not to hurt anybody! What dum-dums!

Preacher-lite takes out the Bloodline Gang with his giant green bubble attack and disappears with his flock. But Eddie thinks he knows where he's taking them: To the crater at the edge of town! That's where the big final fight will take place. It's also where a bunch of Bloodlines Parasites will probably try to inseminate more Earthly victims.

The Bloodlines Gang enter the crater and find a cave leading to the Bloodlines Parasite Queen infecting all of the new people Preacher-lite brought her. Also in her presence are more Bloodlines Superheroes who have succumbed to the parasite. And one of those is Blake! No! Not Gunfire! NOT GUNFIRE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's the big cliffhanger ending, by the way!

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