Friday, August 26, 2016

Superman #5

The Eradicator gives the worst happy endings.

The Commentary!
I didn't mention the sodomy going on on the cover because I've decided to repress the memory of finding it arousing.

Last issue, Superman took his family on a road trip to the moon (minus the road). He loaded them up in the camper submarine and took them to see the sights. Or is it sites? I suppose both work so get off my cases. I used the plural of case because I had two possibilities there that I didn't wanting you getting on. So, um, the first site he takes his family to sight is the American flag planted on the moon! Proof that America actually went to the moon which everybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM sorely needs (although they'll ignore anything that proves America went to the moon). Well, conspiracy radio nutjobs, check out this proof:

See? The American fla...wait a second! That's not the American flag! The stripes are all wrong! What is going on here? Why would America plant a forgery on the moon? Is it a literal clue that the moon landing was a false flag operation?! Ignore the definition of "false flag" and just believe my wordplay conspiracy!

What is the etymology of "conspiracy"? Does it mean "with piracy"? Which should mean conspiracies are all run by pirates, right?! How hard would it be to keep a lid on a conspiracy if it had to be run by pirates. The president of the United States would be all, "And here is the new head of the CIA, Mister Frank the Kidd!" Then Frank would limp up and try to shake with his left hand but misjudge the distance of the president's hand!

Everybody who read that last sentence understood I was describing a man with a peg leg and a hooked right hand who wore an eyepatch, right? If you didn't get that, maybe you should be reading easier to understand reviews like the kind they have at Comic Book Resources or Weird Science Blog. I hear they love Scott Lobdell over there! That means they have, at best, a fourth grade reading comprehension! Y'all should fit in nicely there! Arr!

I was so distracted by the US flag that I didn't notice how fucked up the Earth was! Doug Mahnke definitely failed geography. Unless that's an accurate representation of Earth. And then this might be the proper time to tell you how I did in geography! I will say this about taking geography in Junior High: I once did a fully plagiarized oral report on glaciers. I mean, why bother putting it in my own words instead of reading it directly from an encyclopedia from the fifties?! I suppose I could have stuck some great glacier jokes in my report but I hadn't honed my craft then. You may have guessed that, especially if you were thinking, "You haven't honed your craft yet!"

According to the lighting in the previous scan, half of the "dark side of the moon" should be lit up. So why not go to that part so you don't terrify your family, Clark?

I guess Superman doesn't have a choice which part of the dark side of the moon to take his family since he's taking them into Batman's secret moon base. know. That exists now! Batman has a secret base on the moon! Alfred is going to shit when he finds out he's got another place to clean.

Superman quotes Sun Tzu because The Art of War is totally the book I expect Superman to worship. Although the quote he says, "He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight," seems like some common sense shit that he could have pointed out without having to quote somebody. People who rely on quotes are generally boring assholes. I think even without the quoting of Sun Tzu, a lot of people might agree that Superman is a boring asshole. I don't think he is and I don't want him to be! But more often than not, writers can't seem to figure him out. So he quotes Sun Tzu instead of Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Thankfully, this Lois Lane is much more Lois Lane than the Lois Lane in Justice League. Superman is all, "Jon, I don't want to have to deal with you using your powers and being in the Junior Justice League!" And Lois is all, "Are you fucking kid, Clark? He needs to learn! Get him out there fighting Doomsday and yanking gigantic gravitational balls out of the Earth's core!" Meanwhile Batman is probably watching all of this on his Batcomputer on Earth (or in the Moon Base's Pantry) and thinking, "So! The little twerp has super powers, does he?! I can't wait to casually let Clark know that I know!"

The Eradicator arrives and says, "Did your precious Sun Tzu say anything about surprise entrances?!" Although that line might come back to haunt him when he's surprise sodomized by Batman in the Hellbat armor.

Superman must have read some Sun Tzu that said, "Fight stupidly, stupid!", because Superman throws a bunch of crappy punches and then gets inhaled into Eradicator's Phantom Zone gullet. Well, at least Krypto will now have company.

Eradicator begins chasing Jon around the Bat-moon-cave while Lois begins digging through Batman's personal belongings.

Oh! The cover is Lois sodomizing the Eradicator! I suddenly don't feel any shame for being aroused by it!

The way Lois looks at and handles that item in the first panel means it must be a used butt plug.

Why doesn't Lois use her super powers to save Jon? She doesn't need to don Batman's unwashed fetish armor! But she dons it anyway and precedes to kick the Eradicator's ass while quoting Sarah Palin. At least I like to believe that she's quoting Sarah Palin. While Lois and Jon keep The Eradicator backpedaling all over the Bat-Moon-Cave, Superman works out a new deal with the souls of the Kryptonians while in The Phantom Zone. Hopefully he first asked them where his dog was. And maybe did they have a cat and a horse and a monkey too?

Superman absorbs all of the souls of Krypton himself and fights his way back up Eradicator's throat. That means next issue is yet another round of fisting! I mean fist fighting!

The Review!
I suppose it's cool to see Lois Lane get inside the Hellbat armor and kick some ass. But is it cool enough to destroy everything a fan believes about the DC Universe?! Aren't I supposed to believe Lois Lane has superpowers? Why did she need the armor? Was she more worried about revealing her powers to her son than saving her son's life? And, let us face some very sober facts, Batman would never allow his Hellbat Armor to be used by another person. It would probably work like a fingerprint or eyeball reader but it would be a full body reader! He probably has to get in the suit naked and the suit reads every wrinkle of his skin to make sure it is Batman. Only after confirmation will it come online! Unless maybe Bruce put in a "The current woman I'm trying to bang can try it out which will totally seal the deal" Mode. You know what? I've convinced myself that that's why Lois can use it. The Hellbat Armor was all, "Beep beep beep. Soft tush. Perky breasts. Pleasant woman funk. Switching modes. Ready for sexy battle."

Wow. I just realized that the whole Hellbat Armor ridiculousness made me completely forget about the other ridiculousness: Batman has a base on the moon! Holy Mare Vespertilionem, Batman!

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