Friday, August 5, 2016

Green Arrow #4

Black Canary's thigh is bigger than her midsection. So sexy!

The Review!
Sometime Green Arrow needs to learn the lesson that he can't do it all by himself. Usually he needs to learn this lesson about once a year. Then he needs to drive everybody out of his life sometime after that so that he can fail by himself and learn the lesson again. This is one of those times! But he learns the lesson rather quickly this time, so that's the good news. The bad news is I don't really have any bad news. Oliver seems to be a bit more lighthearted than usual (or he just likes making fun of fat nerds) and he's made a new old friend in John Diggle. Black Canary is back in his life and he has Emiko to watch his back (when she's not stabbing him in it). Everything is smelling like posies for old Oliver Queen! Except that he's lost all of his money and everybody thinks he's dead. But, you know, he's been through that before too! What I'm saying is this is the kind of Green Arrow story you've come to expect. Not that it's boring and tired. I think it's got a great villain and just the kind of villain you'd expect the modern day Robin Hood to topple. I'm a bit in shock that I've read five issues of Green Arrow in a row now and they haven't just been not terrible but actually pretty good!

The Commentary!
Green Arrow is currently in the fight of his life against an evil bank. No, not Wells Fargo. I can see how you might make that mistake, being that Wells Fargo is run by sociopaths who seem to believe there are no other banking opportunities out there for people and so can treat their customers worse than burning dog shit suddenly appearing on their front porch. It's almost as if the employees of Wells Fargo truly believe that you love non-consensual figurative anal rape and it's for that perk alone you chose to bank with them! They think they're doing you a favor when they put a hold on your money and cause you to miss some payments, presenting you with a hefty fine as if it were an Oscar. They're the street magicians of the banking industry and they think you can't wait to see their best trick: fining you for not having enough money in your account until you have negative amounts of money in your account and owe them! Ta-da!

What I'm trying to say is Wells Fargo is ass. And I don't mean clean, tasty, fresh-out-of-the-shower ass waiting to be rimmed! I mean the worst kind of ass that I won't even try to describe because it might make you sick to have to read it, and it still won't be gross enough to capture the full assness of Wells Fargo. How are people still voluntarily giving them their money?! It's the cute little stagecoach, isn't it? I would prefer my bank's logo to be something more secure though.

They let Aquaman in their club! At least you've got arrows!

I know, humorless Aquaman lovers, I know! Aquaman is strong! Aquaman can make sharknados! Aquaman is a bad-ass! We Aquaman Detractors have heard all of your arguments many times already. We just don't care about them! If you can't understand why we find so much joy in making fun of Aquaman, perhaps you own a mirror which you can look into?

Batman is probably a better example of a useless member of the Justice League in this example. Green Arrow is basically Batman without the Bat theme. He's actually a better Batman because he cares more about social justice than Batman does. Batman is just all, "Throw some money and punches at the symptoms of the problem!" But Green Arrow is all, "Fix the actual problem and the crime will take care of itself!" Okay, maybe Green Arrow isn't totally like that. But he once was, I think. I don't know. I actually do find him more boring than Aquaman.

Green Arrow has been trapped by the Seattle police and is about to be arrested for blowing up Queen Industries. Instead of lowering his hoodie and saying, "Surprise! It's me! Playboy Oliver Queen! I was just throwing a party that got a little out of hand. Everything's fine here, officers!", Green Arrow decides to beat up the police. That'll show them that he's not a menace to Seattle!

Just before Green Arrow is shot in the back, Diggle arrives to save the day. I'm not sure why he saves the day though. I can't tell if he hates Green Arrow or loves him. Maybe both! Wonder Woman recently said during a fuck-fight with Cheetah, "Love and hate are samesies!" Greg Rucka nailed that one.

Meanwhile, Black Canary doesn't sneak on board The Inferno as sneakily as she thought she sneaked.

I hope Emi didn't hit an artery with that tranq!

Digg begins Diggling Oliver Queen about somebody he loved and how Queen did her wrong. My guess is that Oliver Queen was supposed to take care of Diggle's cat while Diggle was away on a mission and Green Arrow wound up getting sucked into space by a Zeta-Beam before he could feed the cat and she died. That's a sadder story than the story people are expecting because most people feel bad when bad shit happens to people. But the best of us only feel horrible if animals are hurt.

Anyway, Diggle wants to beat the shit out of Queen for the thing Queen did to the female Diggle loved. Queen apologizes profusely but, for some reason, won't let Diggle break a few bones. I don't think Oliver is sorry at all!

That was an easy dispute to resolve. But they never clarified what it was about! I still think it's about Digg's cat.

Oliver shows Diggle the computer he stole from his CFO, Broderick, and says loudly, "I do not know computer stuff! Der! If only some computer stuff person were in this comic book! Dur!" Diggle is all, "I'm sure we'll find one! Just don't fuck whomever we find, okay? Because that is some stupid shit that don't make know sense at all and lots and lots of idiotic fans will be all, 'Yes! Best relationship ever! Feliver Forever!' Why can't they see a badly judged plot point doesn't make a forever romance?!" Hopefully Oliver just takes a computer class and continues to fuck Black Canary.

The person Ollie gets to do computer stuff is, thankfully, Henry Fyff. I'm almost certain he won't begin fucking Fyff. Although it would be nice if Oliver Queen could have a relationship with a female he isn't related to that doesn't wind up in bed. Every woman on the Arrow television show should just be played by a talking vagina.

Fyff manages to hack the laptop so that Oliver can learn a little more about the Ninth Circle. But what he really needs to learn is that they have Black Canary! And he does learn that when the CEO of the Ninth Circle Skypes them over the laptop. CEO Meltyface offers a trade but he really just wants to kill Green Arrow. Green Arrow accepts the trade but he really only wants to completely and utterly destroy the Ninth Circle. So Green Arrow and Diggle hop in a dinghy and row out to attack the Ninth Circle's floating headquarters. Two guys against the biggest battleship to enter Seattle since The Black Curate! That was in Grifter! Also, I'm sorry for reminding you of Grifter. Oh boy, that was a terrible series!

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