Sunday, August 7, 2016

Superman #4

These guys know they shouldn't kill The Eradicator until after pulling Krypto back out of his stomach, right?

The Review!
The Pet Murdering Psychopaths sometimes referred to as the writer and artist of this book go a small ways to making amends for their vile existence. For some reason, I'm a total sucker for a Hacken guest appearance. Bibbo less so but I like seeing him interact with another background character. Hacken could only dream of one day becoming as foreground as a background character can be as Bibbo has become. Some day, instead of thinking, "Who's the guy with the horrible fake hand?", at the appearance of Hacken, people will think, "Oh! It's the poor stupid idiot who chopped off his own hand after it was bitten by a zombie seal!" As you can tell, the minor characters usurped this issue. The rest of it was just Superman punching Eradicator's face off and Eradicator healing his face so he can try sucking down Jon again. What I'm saying is this comic book is trying to make up for being a total dick for the first three issues. Also, Krypto is definitely on his way back, as soon as he can find his way out of the Phantom Zone. And maybe Goldie will come back as a zombie cat and Hacken will lose his other hand!

The Commentary!
Last issue, Tomasi and Gleason decided the best thing they could do with their authorial power was to sucker punch their readers and kick them in the ribs while they were already down. Pet Murderers Tomasi and Gleason have killed two of the Smith family pets in the first three issues of this comic book. I would expect more pet killings out of these sadists but the Smiths have run out of pets. Titus, Alfred the Cat, and Batcow don't know how close they came to being tearjerker plot points! How did these two bloodthirsty bastards resist killing Damian's pets too? I suppose Batcow had immunity since Grant Morrison created Batcow and therefore only Grant Morrison can kill Batcow. But Titus and Alfred are lucky to be alive.

Mostly I'm just mad about the death of Goldie. We all know Krypto isn't really dead. He's just been transported to the Phantom Zone to have his human DNA destroyed. But since he doesn't have any human DNA, maybe something else will happen to him? I hope he doesn't lose his powers. Perhaps he'll find all of the other Super Pets in the Phantom Zone and lead them out through The Eradicator's mouth portal! By the way, what kind of a stupid name is Krypto? How many kids name their dogs Eart? Probably like only a handful of the dumbest ones, right?

This issue begins with Superman and The Eradicator locked in mortal fisticuffs which are causing the Fortress of Solitude to crash down around them. Supergirl really needs to get her act together and start her comic book series soon so she can put a stop to the destruction of her vacation place. How is Clark Smith going to repay her for damages? It's not like he still has that sweet ass, high paying journalism job where he mostly just wrote opinion pieces on how awesome Superman is and the occasional speculative piece about how huge and virile Superman's cock must be. And I doubt the Fortress of Solitude is insured. Maybe for fire or flood but no way is an insurance company going to insure Superman's arctic home for damages caused by Eradicators. They'd go out of business.

No! The portal! You've just ruined the portal! KRYYYYYYYPPTOOOOOOO!

By busting open Eradicator's mouth portal, the souls of all the Kryptonians he sucked up as Krypton exploded escape back into the world. Great! Now the Fortress of Solitude is haunted! Krypto doesn't immediately get vomited out, probably because Jon stole his cape and is now using it as part of his costume.

I know I've been given the Pet Murdering Monsters a hard time for murdering pets because they deserve to be given a hard time. They deserve to have the best comic book critic on the internet say, "Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason are the biggest fucking monsters of the 21st century and probably the 20th century as well although I will admit that point is debatable." They need to own that they are unfeeling bastards. But I also can't keep hating them because I know they're always going to wind up writing something that makes me smile through my dead cat tears. And they pulled it off this issue with the following scene:

Hacken visiting Bibbo in Metropolis? Goldie who?!

Bibbo and Hacken are arm wrestling over a moon rock. It's Hacken's moon rock so I don't know what Bibbo was betting on the outcome. His bar, maybe? Maybe he was offering to put up the money so Hacken could get a better prosthetic hand? It doesn't matter because Bibbo won. Bibbo wants to add the moon rock to his Superman collection and Hacken starts to go on about how friends you lost stay lost and don't come back. I hope that's foreshadowing about Hitman coming back!

As Hacken and Bibbo are discussing lost friends, a wave of Kryptonian souls splashes down through the ceiling depositing Superman and Superboy on the pool table. Superman is mumbling something about Krypto barking while souls fly around the room and the "moon rock" hovers over the Kryptonian and his son. Lois is there too but she's not unconscious. She's too busy writing the article in her head about the day Earth became lousy with lost Kryptonian souls.

Apparently there was some Krytponite in the moon rock which attracted all of the Kryptonian souls. I guess your senses improve when you die. Some of the souls are confused and angry and possess the bar patrons. Others talk it out with Superman and pretend to be Pa Kent to get the message to him that they're finally free. The Eradicator was keeping them from moving on because of his obsession with things never changing. Speaking of The Eradicator, he healed his face portal and has returned to Hoover up the escaping souls.

Superman doesn't want to destroy Metropolis battling the Eradicator so he sticks some bait in a submersible submarine and flies off to a safe place to battle the Eradicator: the moon! Also, the bait is his son Jon. Lois is also in the submarine, probably to keep Jon calm so he won't use up too much oxygen. Although she's probably using more oxygen than a panicked Jon. So maybe Superman just didn't want to leave any of his family behind. He can't protect them both if they're split up!

Is it safe to take a submersible into space? I know Superman explains why it should be okay but, I mean, space is not like miles underwater! It's practically the exact opposite! It's not wet at all. Oh, and the pressure is different or something. I wonder if xkcd would clear this up for me?

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