Thursday, August 18, 2016

The Flash #4

Godspeed can create wormholes!

The Review!
In this issue, Barry Allen he learn anything? I wonder if I would have noticed he learned anything if I were reading this comic book seriously instead of looking for opportunities to make stupid jokes about it? I know what I've learned while reading it! I've learned that other people try so hard to figure out who they are that they pour a sort of foundation of ethics and beliefs to stabilize the house of themselves. So when I say something that I totally don't mean because I think it's funny--or because maybe I do mean it, to a certain degree, in that it's a thing that makes sense which is what makes it funny, whether or not it's true--people read it as my final statement on the subject. When I say superspeed is a stupid power for assholes who always think of themselves as too busy, that's just a thought I had at the time that was funny and made sense. But it doesn't mean I can't or don't have other thoughts about why people would want superspeed. It just means I made a statement, not that I live by that statement. I find many people seem less malleable about the things they say because they want other people to know exactly who they are. Their statements express their selves. I suppose the more secure somebody is with who they are, the less they care about saying something which might be misinterpreted by somebody else. And boy howdy do people love to purposefully misinterpret everything said by everybody else forever! And I just realized something else that I learned! Or maybe something that I've just reconnected with that I knew all along and have probably mentioned once or twice before: this blog isn't about reviewing comic books! It's about reviewing me! So it's apt that I don't know what Barry learned in this issue (except maybe how to kiss somebody while in spandex and then hide the subsequent boner) but I know what I learned from it! Is that a good review of Flash #4? "I read it and learned something about myself"? I suppose it's better than "Joshua Williamson writes yet another mediocre Flash story where The Flash battles other speedsters and hangs out with other speedsters. I'm sure there will be time travel soon too!"

The Commentary!
Currently in Flashtown, just about everybody who is anybody can run at superspeed. It's like the city has turned into two different worlds. One where a bunch of jerks are running around doing things at superspeed as if their time is so fucking important and other people who are just walking about and doing things at a normal, reasonable pace. In my last commentary, I pointed out how superspeed would be wasted on me because I couldn't be bothered to exert the extra effort. But I think I'd change my mind if I could sleep and dream at superspeed! Then I'd have more time to do stuff at normal speed while awake!

The Flash is now conducting speed training classes at STAR Labs. I wonder if while training them how to use their powers, he's also telling them exactly how they should use their powers? Remember, Barry Allen is a micro-managing asshat!

How come I have yet to see a scene of Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor and Etta Candy discussing nuking Keystone City because it's become a threat to national security and the world? You can't have this many people with superspeed! It's irresponsible!

How do you train somebody to think fast? Throw things at them when they aren't looking?

The Flash is also investigating the new speedsters because he thinks one of them might be Godspeed. Why isn't he investigating the least likely person it would be? August Heart! Too bad The Flash doesn't know he's in a comic book where the most unlikely answer is the likely answer because SURPRISE TWIST!


The Flash tries to make a dumb joke to Doctor Dhawan and she instantly thinks he's flirting with her. Just because your super hot and have super speed and your brain can calculate in an instant just how stupid my brain is, that doesn't mean everybody wants to fuck you, Doctor! Geez! You think you're such hot shit! I mean, unless you were just making a joke too! To make Barry feel uncomfortable because it's always funny to make somebody feel uncomfortable! Unless that person is one of those people who is all, "But I have a medical issue that makes it wrong for you to make me feel slightly uncomfortable! That's not a joke at all! It's a trauma!" Ugh! Maybe I have a medical condition where I'll die if I'm not slightly mean to other people! Have you ever thought about that?!

August Heart shows up at STAR Labs and is all, "I'm totally not Godspeed! Don't even think it! Name is August Heart! That's not the name of a bad guy!" And then Iris West shows up and is all, "I may be a blogger journalist but I've got ethics! So even though I could be totally famous and get lots of money and maybe a sweet ass Pulitzer to put that stupid Lois Lane in her stupid place, I'm going to share my news with you first Flash! Integrity!"

While Barry Allen is investigating Godspeed and flirting with Dr. Dhawan and listening to Iris yammer on about some conspiracy, he's being fired from his job with the police. And he knows he is! But he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "A Flash has got to do what a Flash has got to do!" Then he winks at Dr. Dhawan and Iris at the same time. So he blinks. And they don't know he's trying to flirt.

Flash learns from Iris that Dr. Carver, the leader of the Black Holes, was fired from STAR Labs for trying to weaponize the Speed Force. Somehow he retrieved a sample of the Speed Force which makes no sense to me. Is the Speed Force like pie? Can you just hack off a slice to do delicious experiments on? The Flash and Dr. Dhawan gear up to go find Dr. Carver but Godspeed...I mean, August is told to stay behind because he's still injured from his absorption of other people's Speed Force. I mean, from being beaten by Godspeed. Blink! I mean wink! Good thing Barry didn't let him come along because now Godspeed can appear at the warehouse to try to steal more Speed Force so he can avenge his brother while also yelling, "I'm not August Heart at all! Nobody think that!"

No technology Dr. Dhawan has ever seen?! But she's an ├╝ber genius!

Dr. Carver is a mad scientist that is more mad than scientist. He claims he was trying to harness the powers of lightning like Benjamin Franklin before him. What kind of a scientist would make that claim about Ben Franklin? Okay, maybe Carver's sentence is a bit muddled and he only meant he was experimenting like Ben Franklin. Anyway, his slipshod knowledge of Ben Franklin's reasons for experimenting with lightning aside, Carver explains that being struck by lightning was what made him realize that The Flash shouldn't be allowed to keep the Speed Force to himself. And, of course, none of that makes sense. How come everybody knows The Flash got his powers from being struck by lightning but they don't know his secret identity? Is it because the idiot wears a lightning bolt symbol on his chest? Did Doctor Carver, the supposed scientist, base all of his claims on an assumption? How does anybody know that Speed Force is gained from some kind of lightning?!

You know what? I'm just getting myself worked up here! I should just remember Carver is a mad scientist and leave it at that. Godspeed will kill him soon anyway.

Carver activates a machine he wears called The Speed Machine and seriously fucks himself up.

Barry is an expert on Speed Force nonsense.

August Heart shows up with two disposable new speedsters to help stop Carver. Because August thinks Carver has answers to his brother's death years ago. He still doesn't have a catchy speed name. At least not one he can reveal to Flash without all of his plans falling apart.

I didn't want August Heart to become the bad guy but I'm pretty much all in on him winding up being Godspeed! I'm going to look like a fool if it isn't him! Or I can just point out that the writer messed up and never revealed the real secret plan of August being Godspeed. You know, like how Lobdell and DeFalco never got around to explaining how Harvest was really Tim Drake from the future after he'd been turned into a vampire.

Barry, Dr. Dhawan, and August steal Carver's powers using the same trick Godspeed used to steal the powers of the kids in Iron Heights. But they do it in a kinder way that doesn't leave Carver dead. Plus his lab is destroyed after the battle so now they have no more leads! Barry points out that it all seems too convenient. As if there's another villain pulling the strings! Like, um, you know: Godspeed!

But the comic book isn't over yet! Wally West still needs some story! Although he only gets half a page where he decides to go train at STAR Labs. Then it gets back to Meena Dhawan and The Flash who are in Boner City, Population: Barry's boner. I mean, Meena kisses him and, well, he's wearing spandex. It would probably be insulting to Meena if nothing moved down there. And because of the kiss (and probably because Barry has totally lost his job at this point), he reveals his secret identity to Meena! Which is probably a stupid move because she was hot for The Flash, not Barry Allen. What if she was already kind of grossed out by Barry? Now she's going to be all, "Oh, well, hey. Look at that. Is it too late to pretend I tripped and accidentally kissed you?"

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