New Suicide Squad Annual #1

Is this the episode where they get blown back to the seventies and all wind up working for the Dharma Initiative?

When did DC Comics stop understanding what the Suicide Squad was all about? It was probably when The New 52 began but it's definitely had a major problem since they added the "new" to the title. The Suicide Squad is not about packing a whole bunch of popular characters onto the team in the hopes of higher sales due to fans of all of the characters purchasing the comic book. Yes, Harley Quinn sells a shipload of comics on her name alone. So why not stick Deathstroke and The Joker's Daughter and Black Manta and Reverse-Flash on the team as well? Okay, some of those names aren't exactly names that sell a lot of books. But they are--and this is the real problem--names of characters who will never be allowed to die. The Suicide Squad is about C-List villains written so well that people buy the comic book despite the makeup of the team. The Suicide Squad needs to be C-List villains that DC doesn't care about or else the Suicide part of the name makes no sense. Nobody is fucking dying in this comic book. Nobody.

This had better end now! Daniel West, I'm hoping this may be your unlucky day!

Wrong! That is not an accurate nickname at all!

Captain Boomerang has been given a death sentence for teaching The League's children how to play soccer. I wish that were a more common happenstance! Football burn! Also I used happenstance incorrectly! It makes the insult better because soccer players would be all, "Arg! How dare you tarnish the reputation of the greatest foot sport ever invented if you disregard Hacky-Sack!" And then I'll be all, "Hee hee! They're so dumb they didn't notice my error!" Then after waking up from my coma because I was beaten near to death, I'll be able to tell the story about how I totally humiliated people who enjoy football.

I don't like soccer because it reminds me of having to do something that I didn't want to do when I was a kid. That thing was playing soccer. I don't know why soccer had remained so unpopular in America for so long when every kid (of all the genders, even the not normal ones like "female") was practically forced to play. The best part of soccer was peeling the shinguards from your legs after the game. The second best part of soccer was sniffing those shinguards.

Reverse-Flash meets up with Harley Quinn who just broke out of prison and taught all of the children how to make fart noises. She'll probably be charged with the corruption of youth next and wind up in a drowning tank next to Boomer.

Nonsense, Harley! You're also DC's cash cow!

Reverse-Flash tells Harley that his own sister called him a monster. I'm fairly certain my own sister called me a lot worse than that. Maybe I should have put some effort into becoming a super villain. I did say that females were a not normal gender earlier! That's a good start, right?! I bet I could be as nefarious as Lex Luthor if I just started using the wrong pronouns on people! Remember kids: you are your pronouns! No wait! I said that wrong! I meant to say "you" and "your" are pronouns! They're the ones I prefer!

I hope I'm at least Kite-man level super villainous now! But I'm shooting for Crazy Quilt! So how about I say this: "[INSERT YOUR RELIGION] is based on a philosophy opposite that of ignorance and hate! So why are you such a jerk?! Go play soccer!" Take that, yous!

Black Manta had been considering becoming a disciple of Saladin and his League but when Saladin suggests that Black Manta's first mission for The League be a suicide mission, he begins to rethink his position. Americans never have the stomach for giving their lives for a cause. Oh sure! Some do happen to give their lives for a cause. But they never do it on purpose. An American fighting for a cause is an American who believes they will be alive after the fight is over. No American has the stomach for actual suicide missions that will advance a cause for the greater good of other Americans! Although we seem to be raising a generation who do have the stones for it. It's just that we're losing them all because they keep killing themselves at the ends of their shooting sprees.

Meanwhile Deadshot is busy trying to save Captain Boomerang from his Reverse Bacta Tank. He fucks it up because his shooting arm is completely messed up from Deathstroke breaking it. He's also probably fucked up on those pain killers he's become addicted to. Luckily Harley saves Boomerang during the distraction and Reverse-Flash helps out Deadshot.

Nobody has died yet. Dammit.

Oh yeah! I forgot about him too! I guess he can die. He was just some slacker messenger. Another Parasite will eventually replace him. Besides, Parasite has had plenty of on-panel time since The New 52 began! He can afford to be killed.

Back in Belle Reve, Vic Sage is speaking on the phone with the Secretary of Whoever's In Charge of Task Force X. They're working out a deal to get Amanda Waller working closer to the ground team. If that means she's going to be on the team, then fuck this comic book. But if she's just going to be in a van full of radios and computers and monitors and stuff then that'll be okay. Is this why Vic Sage was being such a good puppy? To get Waller ousted from the Command Center? I still think he's working for The Pearl Group. Unless Bonnie is working for them. Maybe Bonnie is working for Checkmate. I'm certain they're all lousy spies.

-tt- Typical American!

Did I use the "-tt-" sound effect correctly?!

While Black Manta decides it's better to be alive and a member of the Suicide Squad rather than dead and a member of The League, Deadshot and Reverse-Flash rescue Parasite. But Saladin sets the timer on the time bomb (I guess it doesn't come with a "blow up instantly" button) giving the Squad two minutes to get out of range or they're going to go back in time. As they speed away in a truck, Manta says "fourty-five seconds" when he means "forty-five seconds." Total American!

Reverse-Flash doesn't like the idea of leaving all the kids in the area being sent back in time. So he runs back to grab the time bomb and throw it in a nearby body of water. Here's hoping that body of water isn't where the locals get their food or water because it's going on a journey through time! Also going on a journey through time? Daniel West! Being that he's one of them Flash characters, his being flung into the time stream means nothing. He'll have some adventures and maybe meet Captain Atom or Monarch along the way and he'll be back for breakfast. So that doesn't count as a death! Still nobody has died!

Back in Belle Reve, it turns out Amanda is being forced to go on missions with the team. Ugh. Hopefully not in a fighting capacity because I hate that Amanda Waller. I don't want Team 7 Amanda Waller in this comic book. I want Ostrander's Amanda Waller in this thing!

New Suicide Squad Annual #1 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: This annual wrapped up the best story arc The Suicide Squad has been a part of since The New 52 began. There may have been a few issues here and there that I enjoyed in their previous New 52 incarnation but they were rare. Mostly it was just a bunch of ill-conceived story ideas and poor characterization. At least this book has been entertaining even if nobody has died yet. Maybe I should count Daniel West being lost in time since that's about as close as they could come to a character death with this bunch of villains. But I won't. He'll be back when Wally West needs his uncle over in the pages of The Flash. Hopefully the next story arc will introduce a few villainous losers into the group so I can at least have the possibility of somebody dying. And please don't let Waller pick up a gun and actually go on the missions. Please do not do that. Please.