At the end of the last issue, Phobos (Mars's moon) was headed toward Earth to eat all of the cookies. If you want to try to get a glimpse of Phobos right now, you should get up early in the morning, a few hours before the sun is up, and look in the eastern sky. See that bright light that looks awfully suspicious? That's Venus. Now see that other light that is pretty bright and stable but nowhere close to as bright as Venus? That's Jupiter. And see the little red light that's really trying to impress but being totally outclassed by its neighbors? That's Mars. Now if you look really, really closely and squint just right, you can pretend to see Phobos.
Here's a fun fact: I didn't need any fucking Facebook news articles to tell me those planets were the planets they are. I just like to walk at night and listen to podcasts and when I head down my driveway at the right time of the morning, I see Venus, Jupiter, and Mars and think to myself, "Hey! It's Venus, Jupiter, and Mars." It's probably one of those 10,000 hours things where I've spent that much time of my life looking in the night sky. I should probably get my dick out of my mouth now and start the comic book. Or maybe I'll just suck it a little bit longer.
You people see that list of comic books off to the right? That list is as close to perfect as you're going to get. Sure, you might argue with me about a few relative placements. And, obviously, some of the spots are going to be a little out of whack because, um, statistics and not a flaw in my system. The bunch at the top? Guaranteed good comic books. Those at the bottom? Awful shit. The ones between the top and bottom? Probably decent enough if you're into the characters otherwise not a big deal if you skip them. Now, you're probably asking yourself, "Tess, why did you just cram this paragraph into your confused and chaotic narrative?" Well, my answer to you is that I just had a little bit of proof that my comic book opinion is the best opinion. Not just because it's mine but because it's also other people who probably know what they're talking about (I mean, they do agree with me, ya know?). Now, how long have I been telling y'all that Shade the Changing Man is my favorite all time best comic book ever in all dimensions? And how many of you took me seriously enough to go out and find all of the back issues since the series hasn't really had enough love to be printed in trades (at least no more than like the first arc or something)? Well, here's probably definitive proof that I was right about this.
See? One other person corroborates my belief!
Currently the Team of Martian Manhunter's Body Parts are headed toward Ghana to regroup with Mr. Mould.
Meanwhile in Ghana...
No wonder Mera is pissed at Aquaman! He's having a homosexual affair! I think.
He really doesn't want to go back to his terrible fucking comic book.
Back in Ghana, Mould and Pearl watch as Phobos barfs the avatar of Mars back down on Earth. It needs to kill Earth so that Mars can live because this Solar System seems to have a lease with a one planet of pets maximum.
Martian Manhunter #5 Rating: No change. J'onn J'onzz is sad because he wants Mars to live again. But for Mars to live, Earth must die. I say go for it! This world had its chance and all it did was develop a bunch of selfish, narcissistic assholes. They're so awful that I don't even care if every other species that has nothing to do with them dies because of their sins. Except for the cats. Can maybe the cats be transported to Mars? Mars needs cats! And if there's any room after that, how about the raccoons? You can't have a planet full of trash cans and not have raccoons. So, side note, Mars is going to need trash cans. And don't worry about what will happen with all the trash that has to fill the cans to give the raccoons something to do. The goats that can surely be saved as well will take care of the trash. Although Mars will probably need a goatherder/kitten-wrangler/raccoon-appreciator, so I'll volunteer to be the last surviving human in much the way J'onn was the last Martian. It'll mean hard work and sacrifice and so many purrs I can't even not stop myself from saying "I can't even," but I think I can handle it.