Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Martian Manhunter #5

Oh, I get it. No wonder I never have anything clever to say about these recent Martian Manhunter covers. Because they're just snapshots of J'onn as he's revealing some of his secret identities. Last one, we discovered he was a Haitian cop named Daryl. It's also possible all of the information in the previous sentence is wrong and he was not Haitian nor a cop nor named Daryl. I don't think it really matters since he was ultimately just another piece of Martian Manhunter. Just like this old white dude who is in some kind of Explorer's Club. I bet he smokes pipes in studies with other old white dudes and they talk about how great the Empire was back in the day while enjoying some poetry by Rudyard Kipling.

At the end of the last issue, Phobos (Mars's moon) was headed toward Earth to eat all of the cookies. If you want to try to get a glimpse of Phobos right now, you should get up early in the morning, a few hours before the sun is up, and look in the eastern sky. See that bright light that looks awfully suspicious? That's Venus. Now see that other light that is pretty bright and stable but nowhere close to as bright as Venus? That's Jupiter. And see the little red light that's really trying to impress but being totally outclassed by its neighbors? That's Mars. Now if you look really, really closely and squint just right, you can pretend to see Phobos.

Here's a fun fact: I didn't need any fucking Facebook news articles to tell me those planets were the planets they are. I just like to walk at night and listen to podcasts and when I head down my driveway at the right time of the morning, I see Venus, Jupiter, and Mars and think to myself, "Hey! It's Venus, Jupiter, and Mars." It's probably one of those 10,000 hours things where I've spent that much time of my life looking in the night sky. I should probably get my dick out of my mouth now and start the comic book. Or maybe I'll just suck it a little bit longer.

You people see that list of comic books off to the right? That list is as close to perfect as you're going to get. Sure, you might argue with me about a few relative placements. And, obviously, some of the spots are going to be a little out of whack because, um, statistics and not a flaw in my system. The bunch at the top? Guaranteed good comic books. Those at the bottom? Awful shit. The ones between the top and bottom? Probably decent enough if you're into the characters otherwise not a big deal if you skip them. Now, you're probably asking yourself, "Tess, why did you just cram this paragraph into your confused and chaotic narrative?" Well, my answer to you is that I just had a little bit of proof that my comic book opinion is the best opinion. Not just because it's mine but because it's also other people who probably know what they're talking about (I mean, they do agree with me, ya know?). Now, how long have I been telling y'all that Shade the Changing Man is my favorite all time best comic book ever in all dimensions? And how many of you took me seriously enough to go out and find all of the back issues since the series hasn't really had enough love to be printed in trades (at least no more than like the first arc or something)? Well, here's probably definitive proof that I was right about this.

See? One other person corroborates my belief!

About three years ago, I wrote this: "I’ve been slowly rereading my all-time favorite comic book series, Shade the Changing Man." Hmm, that's not as exciting as I thought it was going to be. I just wanted to mention again that it was my favorite series. That was also when I began to read all of my old comic books. I can't believe it's been three years. Fuck you, Time! You're the worst. Anyway, after Shade I read Doom Patrol, Planetary, X-Force, Batman and the Outsiders, DC Comics Presents, and probably some others I should have made note of so I could remember how I've been spending my limited time alive. Currently I'm rereading the eighties revival of The New Teen Titans. It's the first series that has really caused me trouble because I'm not enjoying it that much. And it's so long!

Currently the Team of Martian Manhunter's Body Parts are headed toward Ghana to regroup with Mr. Mould.

Mr. Mould is the white guy on the cover (probably). He's probably J'onn's brain for a racist reason. Mister Biscuits is J'onn's heart as I've mentioned before. Leo must be J'onn's flaccid penis which is why he's in the wheel chair. Daryl is J'onn's courage. Pearl is J'onn's emotions for a sexist reason. And little Alicia is J'onn's inner child. Unless she's his lungs or his aversion to fire. Even if I'm wrong, just remember that they're all aspects of J'onn and they're all just metaphors. Eventually J'onn will reconstitute himself out of all of these people which will kill them so that will be sad. But they'll still live within J'onn whenever he needs a disguise!

Meanwhile in Ghana...

No wonder Mera is pissed at Aquaman! He's having a homosexual affair! I think.

Aquaman has delivered Pearl to Mould. Mould claims he's the head so that's one metaphorical persona I don't have to guess at anymore. But he hesitates and decides not to tell Pearl what part of J'onn she is. I see. It must be a really embarrassing part like the sphincter or the clitoris or the left ear. Aquaman offers to help J'onn in any way he can. Probably because he just wants to spend some time in a well written comic book. J'onn promises to call Aquaman later once he's put himself back together. Maybe they can get an ice cream cookie sandwich and give each other hand jobs. Aquaman just stands on the beach staring.

He really doesn't want to go back to his terrible fucking comic book.

Mister Biscuits has to say goodbye to Alicia because she's not part of J'onn and he doesn't want to see her hurt. He leaves her a bag of cookies and gold coins so she can buy a monkey and a horse and a big house where she can live all alone and mop the floors with scrub brushes tied to her feet. But after the Team of Martian Manhunter's Body Parts fly off to Africa, Alicia is beset upon by White Martians. They're the worst kind, of course. Especially the cis male ones. Which these are! Also, they're the Martian Man-eater. So Alicia is probably never going to get that monkey, or that horse, or that house whose floors she can scrub while skating about in bubbles.

Back in Ghana, Mould and Pearl watch as Phobos barfs the avatar of Mars back down on Earth. It needs to kill Earth so that Mars can live because this Solar System seems to have a lease with a one planet of pets maximum.

Martian Manhunter #5 Rating: No change. J'onn J'onzz is sad because he wants Mars to live again. But for Mars to live, Earth must die. I say go for it! This world had its chance and all it did was develop a bunch of selfish, narcissistic assholes. They're so awful that I don't even care if every other species that has nothing to do with them dies because of their sins. Except for the cats. Can maybe the cats be transported to Mars? Mars needs cats! And if there's any room after that, how about the raccoons? You can't have a planet full of trash cans and not have raccoons. So, side note, Mars is going to need trash cans. And don't worry about what will happen with all the trash that has to fill the cans to give the raccoons something to do. The goats that can surely be saved as well will take care of the trash. Although Mars will probably need a goatherder/kitten-wrangler/raccoon-appreciator, so I'll volunteer to be the last surviving human in much the way J'onn was the last Martian. It'll mean hard work and sacrifice and so many purrs I can't even not stop myself from saying "I can't even," but I think I can handle it.

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