The Savage Hawkman #11

Why does Hawkman have on white gloves? Is that a normal part of his costume I've missed up until this point? Was he butlering before transforming?

Last issue, I invented the super villain "Tic Tac Foe." If anybody steals that name, they'll live to regret it! Not because I'll do anything to them but because everybody will laugh at the stupid super villain they made. I'm the only one that can make him entertaining! I made myself laugh while rereading my commentary on Hawkman #10 when I said, "Fist! Center Square!" Tic Tac Foe, I love you!

Carter Hall and Emma decided to travel the world researching Nth Metal. I guess Emma's job and life and family and friends will be okay until she gets back. No use letting anybody know you're on the run. At least drop work a postcard saying you're taking a few sick days.

Before I opened The Savage Hawkman #11, I wondered, "What in-depth lesson will Liefeld and Bennett be teaching me this month?" And I wasn't disappointed! Let's learn about Rome the Eternal City, shall we?

Hawkman fans should be rioting in the streets because of this awful tripe apathetically fed to them each month.

It's hard to believe that while enjoying the sights and sounds of Rome that anything scandalous could ever have happened there! But if you squint just right while enjoying a glass of wine in the little corner cafe, you might catch a glimpse of the Black Iron Prison underneath. You'll suddenly realize that nothing has ever changed and Christians are still being persecuted by power hungry tyrants and barbarians are waiting just beyond the gates. You'll feel the shackles turning your wrists into shredded, bloody pulp. The crack of an invisible whip will sting your cheek and then rough, calloused hands will begin to poke and grope at your nether regions. The vomit will spew forth across the tiny patio and you'll topple out of your chair. The server will tsk loudly and mutter under his breath, "Americano."

Or, you know, maybe the city just "has its share of scandals and secrets." Whatever.

Carter and Emma are in Rome to see a priest. He's not just any priest, mind you!

My guess is Liefeld's entire job plotting this comic was, "Hey! Angels have wings! Hawkman has wings! Do something with that! And make sure Hawkman fights some guy with Saint in his name. Cool. Now I have to get back to drawing more lines on Slade Wilson's face. He's just not grim enough yet."

Hawkman shows the scandalous priest with secrets Roman priest a document that he believes represents a connection between heaven and earth. The priest takes a look at it and spews inanity so beautiful that it must be divinely inspired.

"You know, Signor Hawkman, my study of history has provided me with the knowledge that ancient texts are rumored to exist! Now, I have ancient texts speaking of ancient texts. And all these subjects I mentioned that are spoken of in the ancient texts of the Bible, supposedly ancient texts exist that speak of these things! History tells us many things, you know! Sometimes if you get history drunk, history will tell you many secret and scandalous things as well! Did you know that bloodsports were rumored to have begun with the Etruscans? It's true! Also, history long tells us that hawks are birds of prey!"

I'm pretty sure I could write a better Hawkman story five minutes before blacking out from drinking too much whisky. And I'd do it while shitting my pants and crying. Let me make a future project note here: "Write Hawkman script while maudlin, shitting, and on the verge of oblivion."

After showing the priest his documents, Carter Hall suggests that angels and other heavenly creatures were really aliens. Instead of disagreeing politely and having a rational discussion like you'd expect from someone interested in knowledge and research, the priest becomes an instant cliche.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, Signorant! Ha ha! See what I did there, Emma? Signor and ignorant? Whew. Too funny."

Who is the priest's protector? Well, if you looked at the front cover, you won't be surprised to find it's St. Bastion! He's a bastion of inflamed ignorance.

"By the virgin's tears, St. Bastion! The door! Use the God almighty door! Christ."

As St. Bastion crashes to the ground, Carter Hall explains to new readers how his schtick works. How many issues in do we have to get in a series before all the explanatory narration boxes disappear? Will Issue 48 still explain how the Nth Metal manifests into powerful armor and wings and weapons which turns Carter Hall into Hawkman? I meant that theoretically since there's no way this series will survive the Fourth Wave. I also meant it generically since every title in The New 52 feels the need to over explain every little thing as if they expect new readers are jumping on each title every month as opposed to the actual numbers that show readers simply dropping more and more titles each month.
But I guess explanatory notes are better than having to read Carter Hall say things like this:

With Nth Metal, I don't start fights, I finish them!

Psst. Mr. Poulton. Or Mr. Liefeld. The semicolon. It is a friend!

Hawkman tells Emma, "Take cover! I'll handle this." It was really 50/50 whether he'd ask for her help to battle this guy or not. She should actually get into a fist fight with the priest!

Emma: "It's been a long time since my last confession, Father! But I must confess, I've been dying to punch you!"
Priest: "I'm sorry to hear that, child! I recommend five Hail Marys and a knuckle sandwich!"
Emma: "I didn't order take out! I hope your jaw takes refunds!"
Priest: "You just bounced your last check! Let's see how your head bounces off the baptismal font!"
Emma: "When I'm through with you, you're going to have to be born again!"
Priest: "HOW DARE YOU! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BRING THAT SHIT INTO MY CATHOLIC SANCTUARY!"

Comics are so easy to write when quality doesn't fucking matter!

St. Bastion declares that he wears the "Armor of God." This causes Hawkman to think Narration Box:

Armor of God versus Armor of the Gods. Is this even a fair fight?

I don't know! Does Hawkman think it's not a fair fight because his Armor has multiple Gods behind it (which I don't even understand. Since when did Nth Metal become the "Armor of Gods"? Or does he mean nothing can stand up to the armor of the "one true Jewish Christian God"? Hawkman thinks this while getting kicked across the church, so maybe he believes in God Almighty. It's hard to tell since he's still suffering from a fledgling personality. Ha ha!

Well, at least I got the fight I asked for! Although not as stupidly entertaining as the scene I wrote.

"Transubstantiate this, motherfucker!"

It's about here, eight pages in, that the comic book wins. My brains begin to liquify. I feel a twitch in my right eye that will remain for weeks. I continue to read but I'm paralyzed by too many choices. What do I comment on? Do I scan every one of Hawkman's horrible Narration Boxes? Maybe it's time to just use blockquotes and comment on each of those? Maybe if I just take small steps, I can make it through. First, let me start with the exact moment where my brain began to slushify.

Yeah, I understand his anger to. Because the appropriate response when somebody says something that contradicts your beliefs is to kill the fuck out of them.

After a lot of pummeling and use of the word "beast", St. Bastion gets the upper hand. He has Hawkman pinned to the ground when Hawkman actually does a little Narration Boxing that I agree with.

Here's the thing with religious zealots: they usually twist their opponents words from what they are actually saying to the "truth" they wish their opponent had actually said.

My high school friend Soy Rakelson (remember him from previous commentaries? Name changed to protect my innocence?) had this bizarre tactic where he would try to get the other person to use the word "evil." Once the word came up, he would simply get into his automated argument locomotive about if evil exists than a devil exists thus God exists. Or something. I learned early on to derail this stupid train by shouting loudly that I didn't think of "evil" in the same way he did and I was truly fucking sorry that I even ever mentioned the word. Anyway, Hawkman continues even though he should have quit while he was making sense:

They're blind in their unwillingness to see the other's side which inevitably leaves them susceptible, leading to their eventual downfall.

Now, the silly thing about this Narration Boxing is that it parallels the fight scene where St. Bastion has the other hand but somehow Hawkman turns it around and beats the crap out of St. Bastion. Is the Narration Boxing supposed to explain how Hawkman turned it around? Is St. Bastion's fighting style equatable to his methods of debate? I don't know. It's really just Liefeld's way of turning a fight around. He did it last issue in Hawkman's fight against Xerxes as well. Xerxes had the upper hand and then Hawkman started Narration Boxing about history or something and voila! Hawkman suddenly had the upper hand!

Hawkman takes Emma and the scrolls (which apparently weren't even the original scrolls anyway?) and leaves the church to burn. He then continues with the Narration Boxing because Liefeld doesn't actually know how to tell a story via the medium of comic books. Notice I'm scanning or blockquoting mostly the Narration Boxes? Because they're what's driving the story. The artwork really isn't needed. Which makes this a shitty comic book.

He can't even keep his point of view straight! "I'm" to "their"! Fuck me.

Besides the switch from first to third person in those boxes, Hawkman realizes the same thing he realized last issue (because these last two issues were basically the exact same story): Without the Nth metal, he'd be dead! Guess what, you moron! It's the Nth Metal that's causing all the attacks on your life. So without the Nth Metal, you'd be alive and back in New York watching television. It reminds me of the time Ricky Gervais on The Daily Show talking about a man who was in a car accident. A pipe shot through the car and pierced the man's fat so that, luckily, no internal organs were hit. The man thanked his fat for saving his life. Ricky pointed out, of course, that if the guy were skinny, the pipe would have passed right by him and missed him completely!

I also identified with Ricky's story because my Roller Playing Game (it's "Roller" playing game because you roll dice, jerk!), Places and Predators, has a class called The Fat Guy. He gets the Special Skill "Blubber" that lets him reduce all damage by 1-6 points because no vital organs were hit. I created that Skill and Class before hearing Ricky's story, by the way. Just to keep that clear!

After Hawkman lands, he's shot through the chest by Pike. Remember Pike? He was tailing them last issue making Love Boat and Gilligan's Island references. And once again, Hawkman thanks the Nth Metal for saving his life because the bullet would have killed him otherwise. Except, you know, ad nauseum, rinse repeat, Hawkman wouldn't have been shot if not for the Nth Metal.

The Savage Hawkman #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'd give it -2 if that wouldn't drop it down to Rank #53! This comic book is jizz dripping down a rest stop bathroom wall. 'Nuff said!