Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Legion Lost #12

How come every time Tyroc punched a fellow Legion member it never made the cover? Fucking racist.

Last issue, Dawnstar was possessed by Alastor. That's probably why she's causing trouble on the cover. I believe the TSA Avengers had Chameleon Girl and Tyroc in custody but I could be wrong about that. The whole point of this blog was to catalog the happenings of each issue so that I could go back and refresh my memory before reading each new issue. But I keep failing at doing that because I'm busy making Wildfire penis jokes and calling employees of the TSA fat! Now, I might be generalizing a bit there. But every airport I've ever been in where I saw a TSA employee running down a concourse, he or she has always been huffing and puffing and turning bright red. I also don't mind negatively generalizing a group of people who choose to work a job that's turning travel into an obstacle course of bullshit. Listen up, Americans: I know you probably have a family to feed but every one of you needs to stop accepting jobs where you treat your fellow Americans like shit scraped off your shoe.

Speaking of shit scraped off of your shoe, all you kids who grew up in the nineties probably never really perfected the technique of getting dog shit out of the crevasses in your sneakers! I'm glad society finally shamed dog owners enough that most of them pick up after their snuggly widdle shitting wuv monkeys. But growing up in the seventies, every field was like traversing a battlefield full of land mines. Just about every outing, somebody stepped in dog shit. Usually it was my cousin Jason. It was so common, I'm surprised Atari didn't make a video game about dodging dog poo for the 2600.

I feel like I haven't doodled for one of my commentaries in a long while and I think I should start that up again. But not now. My pad and pen are in another room and I'm relaxing in bed with the air conditioner going and my cat, Pelafina, stretched out beside me. So instead I'm just going to read Legion Lost and avoid scanning as much as I can! Ha ha! Read words, loser!

Look! I scanned something immediately after saying I was going to avoid it! But it's still just words! Ha ha!

This is the introduction to Issue #12. Reading it gave me a feeling that simulated drunkenness. Unless the grapes I just ate had fermented. It made me a little bit dizzy with its switch-up of pronouns in that sentence where it couldn't decide if the subject was Tellus or Legion of Super-heroes. The picture following this narration box is just a gigantic close-up of Tellus's fish face as he slams it against a wall. The name of this issue is "A Prophecy of Death!"

When I turn the page, I realize that Tellus wasn't slamming his face into the wall for kicks. It was Dawnstar possessed by Alastor that was smashing him into the side of the building. That makes more sense!

One good thing about Alastor possessing the members of Legion is his ability to read their minds while inside of them. So he now knows that Dawnstar thinks Alastor was a pawn used to release the Hypertaxis Virus into the past. He doesn't expound on her reasons for thinking this or who she thinks is using him. Maybe Harvest! But Alastor wants to know more! So he jumps into Tellus. Now maybe he'll discover the prophecy that Tellus was hiding from everyone else that I think was explained in one issue but I forgot what it was! So tell us, Tellus!

I expected far worse results! I thought at least three members of the TSA Avengers would be killed and Legion Lost would never even have noticed they were being attacked by them!

Tyroc and Chameleon Girl escape their bonds. And by bonds I mean those hockey masks on their faces.

TSA Hawkeye: "Hey! TSA Captain America! How should we restrain these super heroes?"
TSA Captain America: "Put some fucking hockey masks on them!"
TSA Thor: "What the fuck are hockey masks going to do?"
TSA Captain America: "Justice is blind!"
TSA Hawkeye: "What the fuck? Is anybody listening to this guy?"
TSA Captain America: "Freedom isn't free, you know. You have to pay the military and Homeland Security to keep everyone free!"
TSA Black Widow: "Bullshevik. The military doesn't keep Americans free! The American people keep themselves free! Maybe if the military were actually keeping invaders from running amok within our borders, you could thank them for keeping us free. But while they're just corporate tools running errands for the big wigs with the big bucks, the only thing they're doing is subjugating innocent people who never wanted to be thrust in the middle of a war zone."
TSA Hulk: "TSA Hulk sleepy now."

I bet that dialogue would have been a good time for one of my doodles! Maybe I'll draw the TSA Avengers later and turn it into wallpaper so that everyone can gaze lovingly at the TSA Avengers every time they start up their laptops.

"These creatures possess amazing abilities!" "But we put the hockey masks on them!"

Alastor as Tellus comes crashing down on the TSA Avengers taking them by surprise. While they run about trying not to get killed, TSA Captain America flip-flops into action! He knocks Alastor out of Tellus with a flying duck kick.

I don't know what a flying duck kick is either but what would you call it?

Alastor decides that being in a giant telepathic frog beast that was just knocked unconscious is probably a liability so he moves over to TSA Captain America! Now the TSA Avengers are fighting amongst themselves too! While TSA Captain America has them busy, Chameleon Girl and Tyroc escape from the vehicle in which they were being held.

I really hate it when things explode inwards too!

Tellus uses his telepathic mumbo jumbo to call for reinforcements. Gates and Timber Wolf teleport into the battle so that Timber Wolf can be possessed by Alastor too! How is Alastor going to be stopped? Which one of them is willing to take a bullet while Alastor is inside them? And would that even work?

Meanwhile, Alastor has jumped into Chameleon Girl and learned her secret too! Some point during this comic, it would be nice if DeFalco would just fucking tell the reader what reasons each Legion member believes for their being back in the past. But instead, he's just having Alastor jump from one to the next so that he can say, "Oh ho! This one has a secret too! Remember, dear reader?! TENSION!" Next he'll need to jump into Tyroc because Tyroc had a secret as well.

I don't even care what secrets they're all hiding. At any moment, a new writer can replace DeFalco and they suddenly won't have any secrets anyway!

Eventually Alastor tries to possess Wildfire but finds that he needs an organic host for his powers to work. Alastor enters Wildfire but is helpless. Wildfire flies him into the sun and dumps him there! One loose thread taken care of that DeFalco doesn't have to worry about anymore! But as Alastor falls into the sun and (presumably) his death, he cries out that Legion will never be free of Echo.
Echo was explained previously. They were some kind of Internal Affairs for the Science Police or something. They would mindwipe convicts and send them into the past. Oh, that sounds like a safe way to dispose of criminals! Send them into the past to fuck up the timeline and create paradoxes to destroy the universe! At the very least, they're just dumping their trash in somebody else's timeline. Jerks.

So all of the secrets Alastor learned are taken with him into the sun. Of course! DeFalco's going to try to get as much mileage as he can out of these stupid secrets by constantly reminding the readers that Legion is full of secrets but he'll just never share any of them. A better writer would let the secret be known and cause the tension and drama through the reader's knowledge of what the Legion member is secretly up to rather than pretending they all have a really important secret that means something to someone and may cause something to happen somewhere.

Afterward, the TSA Avengers try to arrest Legion. But TSA Captain America learned all about them while he was possessed by Alastor. He suggests that they should be left alone because they're good people composed of different races and social types that generally get along (while not having to be in heaven). And to prove that he really means what he says, he removes his helmet for a single panel.

"Gives a black man entrusted with leading Homeland Security's super powered team real hope that someday a super team in the future can be led by a black man. I mean, without the rest of the team talking shit behind his back!"

Gates teleports Legion away before the discussion can get violent again. Once they're all alone and everything is calm, they decide they won't talk about Alastor and his accusations right now. Oh, of course not! This comic book is the equivalent of the Local News continually teasing a story you won't believe involving kittens and then waiting until the last thirty seconds of the news to air the story.

Legion Lost #12 Rating: No change. Also no secrets. I don't even believe DeFalco has any idea what each members' secret is. "I'll just think of something eventually. And it'll be pretty cool probably when I do! Until then, I can ride this thing where they all have secrets for a good six or seven issues!"

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