Green Arrow #12

Is the House of Death actually outside?

Oliver Queen has found himself in China acting like a complete douchebag to Mr. Jin Fang, a man that owns nearly controlling interest in Queen's company Q-Core. As someone who isn't a businessman and doesn't understand businessmen (hell, I don't even understand adult men. Am I the only one that saw my father and uncles as real men and never actually felt like I reached that point in my life? Or do all men have that feeling since, unless you're Jewish, our society really has no real rite of passage for boys? (I'm willing to bet that previous parenthetical reference (not this one (that one referenced the previous one!)) would be a much more interesting essay topic than the story contained in this issue of Green Arrow), I'm just guessing that Ollie possibly made a critical business blunder by shaming Mr. Jin. Unless it's Mr. Fang. Fuck, I hope I didn't just insult him as well!

I've never really understood men in suits. Not any man in any suit in any era! I love the television show Mad Men but I have nothing in common with any of the characters on the show at all! It's like going to the zoo and watching the chimps throw feces and masturbate. It's riveting and super fun but I don't feel a connection with any of them. Is it weird to not feel a connection with a chimp that just masturbated while you ate popcorn and watched?

Anyway, Mr. Fang's bodyguards attacked Ollie because that's apparently what everybody in the DC Universe does when somebody dissents.

The issue begins and I guess Ann Nocenti hadn't quite finished with her notes from her night of watching television poker.

If you have no idea what you're doing, then you have no tells. You have nothing. You're not even fucking bluffing. You're just spewing nonsense, you fucking stupid beautifully full eyelashed man!

Ollie's "nuts" are to act like a complete asshole. I don't know what he thinks Mr. Fang is supposed to have him pegged on. Mr. Fang told him his offer to sell the company shares. Ollie responded by telling him to shove it up his ass and generally flipping the fuck out. What the hell is Mr. Fang supposed to read from those tells?

Mr. Fang, Narration Boxing: "I knew Oliver Queen would not accept my offer. And since he insulted me, I know that he will not be swayed from his decision. I thought maybe we could haggle a bit but the way he's choking my bodyguard, I see that he's not willing to negotiate. That means I totally know his position! He won't budge! I'll have to kill him!
Oliver Queen, Narration Boxing: "Ha ha! Mr. Chinaman thinks I'm not going to sell! But I don't know what I'm going to do after I'm done choking this guy. Maybe I'll sell! Who can tell?! I'm reverse telling on my reverse tell after showing a fake tell with a real tell chaser! He'll never know what I'm up to because I don't know what I'm up to! I'VE GOT HIM NOW!"

The second page of the comic is even worse than the first page. It really makes me question my sanity. Am I wrong for finding this overly narrated style of writing obnoxious and lazy? Do people enjoy this? Or will Green Arrow fans put up with anything just to read a comic book about Green Arrow? I'm not going to bother scanning this hackery but I'll blockquote it so all can marvel at Ann Nocenti's professional grip on narrating a story.

First I gotta deal with these two thugs. Figuring out what's going on in the minds of lugheads is rough enough work...but lugheads with face scribbles? It ain't easy. I can tell by their stance they expect me to strike the head or the gut--so I choose the lowly, forgotten kneecap.

Holy shit. How many total issues of Green Arrow have been created across the years? After all this time, now you know why he's such a good hand-to-hand combatant! It's because he plays poker and can read the faces of his enemies! He can see in their eyes that they're defending the high and middle part of their body! So he goes low! It's like Ann Nocenti's only knowledge of fighting is from the arcade game Karate Champ. Actually, Karate Champ mixed with Texas Hold'em.

What's even more interesting about that blockquote above is that Ollie is sitting on the ground when he says it. So the thugs are complete morons if they're protecting their faces while he's sitting on his ass next to their lowly, forgotten kneecaps.

You know what? I give up. I can't finish this comic book tonight. It was when the bear attacked Oliver Queen but it was really a dog and it led to a casual conversation in the middle of the hostilities that put me over the edge.

So. Fucking. Idiotic. I wonder if Ann rereads her shit and just glows all over. You know, the way I feel when I reread my own shit!

It's really unnecessary for me to say this, but I'm off to bed. I'll continue this travesty in the morning for me and after the double-spaced break for you!

Good morning! Now I'm all bright and shiny and positive! I can approach Green Arrow from a brand new perspective! Maybe I should really get a brand new perspective? Perhaps I should get the eight year old boy from next door to read it and I can transcribe his reactions! Hey! Alex! Get your annoying ass over here and read this!

Me: "Here. Read this comic book."
Alex: "Read it to me."
Me: "Oh, fuck off, you retard."

Let's try something else. How about I scan the next page and you make up the commentary yourself! Then send me your comments via the "Ask Me Anything" link and I'll add them to the caption! Good luck! And don't feel nervous about sending me positive comments! Hell, I'd love to hear from people who enjoy this book and why they enjoy it!

"__________________________________________!"

Oliver Queen loses the fight and Mr. Fang gives him an ultimatum.

What kind of a threat is that?

Am I wrong in seeing this as no kind of threat at all? If Ollie doesn't give Mr. Fang his facial recognition software, Mr. Fang will sell the stocks. So Ollie can have anonymous partners waiting to buy up all of the stock when Ollie refuses to give Mr. Fang what he wants! Does Ann Nocenti think that "liquidating shares" is akin to disintegrating them? If Mr. Fang does manage to sell the controlling shares to other people not associated with Queen Industries, it at least allows Ollie to deal with people who might accept something other than his facial recognition software. Am I missing something?

I think Ann Nocenti has the idea of liquidation of stocks and the liquidation of a company confused here. Since Fang has controlling interest (supposedly), he can liquidate the company and start a dog food company with the money. But he doesn't say that! He says he'll liquidate the shares! Different. Different. Die in a fire.

Ann Nocenti has won. I've lost all ability to comment on her writing. Where do I even begin with this compound sentence: "The pollution is awful but the hipsters turn face masks into haute couture"? The connection between those two clauses is so tenuous. I think Ann just wanted to bitch about China but realized it could be anywhere she was bitching about, so she added "pollution" and "rickshaw". Plus, fucking Chinese hipsters!

Ollie can't wait to turn into Green Arrow and go back and kick Fang's ass. I imagine that Nocenti meant Fang was going to liquidate the company even though last issue Fang merely had "nearly controlling" shares of the company. I guess on Ollie's flight over to China, Fang bought up a few more shares. So the answer is, of course, to beat the shit out of Fang. Actually, Ollie just wants to do that because he wants to get even for Fang beating him up. Although Ollie deserved some kind of slap on the wrist for acting like an asshole in their business meeting. I don't think Fang's thugs should have tried to kill him. But maybe Uncle Sam could have bit him on the leg or pissed on his shoes.

Ollie ditches Jimmy Crew and immediately gets captured by Fang's thugs because of the GPS on the phone Ollie stole last issue. He wakes up in a jail cell full of fun wikipedia facts and no actual dialogue to make it interesting.

Look at all the research Ann Nocenti did to make this scene realistic! Shuanggui! Black Boss! Cockroach races! Tongs! But what she failed to do was make the scene interesting!

Green Arrow and his new sidekick, English speaking Chinese Kit Kang, come up with a plan to break out of jail! It's the dumbest plan in the world but it works because the guards are the dumbest guards in the world!

In reality, this would have went like this: "Open the door or your buddy dies!" Guard shoots Ollie in the face without ever opening the door.

Ollie escapes and heads off on his mission to get even with the guy who kicked his ass and is going to destroy Queen Industries. Meanwhile, Jin Fang is raising his parents from the dead so that they can fight Green Arrow. Or something. I guess he at least knows Ollie broke out of the illegal jail and is going to come after him. So he needed some undead protection from his parents.

Green Arrow #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I can't even describe how much I hated this issue. Every page felt like Ann Nocenti wiping her ass with my face.