Saturday, August 4, 2012

Teen Titans #11

Can we please get a different writer to give us the origin of Wonder Girl?

Forget last issue. Lobdell was probably rifling through his old Dungeons and Dragons Modules when he came across X1: The Isle of Dread and thought, "An island full of dinosaurs? That would literally make an amazing comic!" And then he got out his purple crayon, wrote the script in fifteen minutes, and then jerked off on his own face in celebration.

And now Lobdell gets to give Wonder Girl her origin for the New 52. I can't imagine the Wonder Girl fans are going to be very happy about this. Even in my wildest imagination I can't come up with a story that will probably be worse than this. Maybe my pal and professional author, Grunion Guy, can?

The Origin of Wonder Girl
By Grunion Guy

Once upon a time, a woman was making a pot out of clay (I think that's what you make pots out of. If pots are actually made from bricks or mortar or something, an editor can fix that when this story is published). She names the pot "Cassandra Sandstrom" because she misspelled "sandstorm" and because she didn't know that Wonder Girl's name was going to be Sandsmark! Cassandra is a funny name because it has the word "ass" in it. So that could be her nickname and it probably will be when she gets to elementary school. Unless the woman who was an Amazon decides to home school her at home.

The day that the pot was drying in the drying hole, all of the Amazons were running around packing gift shipments because it was the day after Greek Thanksgiving unless it was the Monday after Greek Thanksgiving because one of those days is the busiest internet shopping day of the year and it kept the Amazons really busy. So the pot was drying like I mentioned earlier and suddenly it thought, "I wonder if I am a pot or a little girl?"

And that was how Cassandra Skidsmark became Wonder Girl!

The Origin and The End Both at the Same Time!

Thanks, Grunion Guy! Now if you could just get Insectorama to draw it, you could probably sell that fucker to DC.

I may be biased but I already prefer Grunion Guy's story.

The comic begins with Lobdell making sure you realize exactly how much pain Cassie is in constantly. I can see Scott Lobdell pitching the idea to the DC Editors: "Nobody has hurt like this for three thousand years! Fuck, dude! What was that pussy Christ complaining about? Fucking jew! And all those fucking whining bitches in the Inquisition? Nothing! Sitting on the anal rape chair with your ball sack in a vice? Candy canes by comparison! Having your intestines pulled out and stuffed with marshmallows and chocolate while roasted over flames that could turn metal molten? Elementary school recess! This bitch is in real pain, mother fuckers! She isn't losing her mind from this pain! She's losing her...WAIT FOR IT...motherfucking fucking motherfucking soul!"

Maybe I overstepped the boundaries of decorum by suggesting that Lobdell would call Christ a "fucking jew"! But then again, maybe I'm being kind! Actually, I've seen video of Lobdell answering "fan" questions and my characterization of him was filled with way too much passion. Unless you fall asleep while reading it, I've missed the mark of a Scott Lobdell characterization.

When did my readings of comics written by Scott Lobdell just turn into giant character assassination pieces?!

Oh, get this! This issue is called "Wonder Wonder Who." Fucking jerk. This asshole just cannot resist using lyrics as the titles of his stories. At least up until now, he's really just been doing that in Red Hood and the Outlaws (which I don't think I've ever mentioned. There's already so much to complain about!). But seriously, he starts off with that rant about how much pain Cassie is in. The first page is a full page of Cassie curled up in the corner by a smashed mirror and grimacing like a Liefeld character. And then underneath all of this pain and angst, WONDER WONDER WHO. "Ha ha! Get it? It's from that song that most of my fucking readers will have never heard in their lives! And it's kind of whimsical so of course it doesn't go along with the theme of pain at all! But if you happen to know the song, it evokes the idea of Love which is what Cassie is all about, right?! So maybe I better remember to include a strong love as redemption and worth the pain of keeping the armor theme! I bet I don't remember to do that!"

Anyway, as the omniscient narrator tells the reader, "Twenty feet away on the other side of the bathroom door" (which makes for a really thick door or quite the luxurious bathroom), the Teen Titans are fighting Beast with a rat tail.

I would have gone with "Take your vitamins, kids!"

The yelling and the commotion and the breaking furniture and Kid Flash breaking the sound barrier, none of that alerts Wonder Girl to the villain breaking into Red Robin's penthouse apartment. But when the television crashes through the wall, it snaps her out of her emo timeout. Instead of turning her deep feels into a cutting fest, she turns them all on beating the crap out of Faux Beast (with the rat tail!).

I'm guessing a high percentage of Lobdell's readers are wondering why this guy named himself after failing artillery.

Bad story short: Bunker picked up some guy on DC's version of Craigslist, blindfolded, and brought him back to the apartment. This guy turned out to be Lose Cannon (I'm sure that's what he meant by Loose Cannon, right? It was the internet version of Lose so I'm translating) but Wonder Girl stopped him by letting him steal her power. It shorted him out and he passed out in the bay where Cassie left him to drown, I guess.

I should probably clarify that Bunker put up an ad seeking heroes to join the Titans and not in that other section where you pick up "heroes" to "join" your "team".

Because Cassie called forth the power of her armor, Naked Evil Mystical Dick Grayson has finally pinpointed her, probably for nefarious purposes.

Does it always have to be about the end of the world? Can't it just be about the end of Wonder Girl?

Meanwhile, Superboy is hanging out in this comic book because his is just as terrible but lonelier.

If this dumb chick who thinks wearing a Superman shirt and having a Superman tattoo is a fetish is one of the "regular people", just fucking end the world now. Push the fucking button.

Superboy is brand new to the world so he probably doesn't realize that judging everybody based on one dumb New Yorker isn't the best way to go about things. But it's as good excuse as any to have him ditch his date to go save the Titans when Naked Dick Grayson knocks out the power to their building so he can catch Wonder Girl.

Kid Flash runs to the basement to check on the fuse when the power goes out. He's punched in the face by Evil Dick Grayson but manages to run back up to the penthouse before passing out. And immediately afterward, the knob on the door starts turning. So Naked Evil Dick Grayson has superspeed. He must, right? He just followed directly behind Kid Flash from the basement to the penthouse. Also, Solstice feels like explaining how her relationship with Kid Flash didn't actually come out of nowhere like it actually did.

Of course! Why bother showing their relationship evolve across ten issues when you can just drop one speech bubble to explain how it was happening all along. Especially since it was Bunker and Solstice who were doing all of the bonding.

Solstice recognizes the intruder as Cassie but she's never actually shown during the fight. The fight is just as bad as any of Lobdell's writing. Here's some of the dialogue exactly as it appears in the comic:

Possibly Cassie: "You're going to stop me? That is almost adorable."
Solstice: "I smile a lot, yes--because I am a happy person. But do not mistake that for weakness, Wonder Girl."

What. The. Fuck.

Possibly Cassie: "The armor was forged in the heart of the sun, Solstice. There is not a power on Earth that can scratch it--let alone melt it."
Solstice: "That's a mistake a lot of people make, Wonder Girl."
Possibly Cassie: "What's that?"
Solstice: "Thinking my power comes from this world."

Really? A lot of people have made that mistake? All, what? Six or seven you've met since being turned into Solstice? As if you even know where the fuck your power comes from yourself! Fuck you, Lobdell! The page ends after that statement as if Solstice is somehow going to get the upper hand after that revelation. But then Superboy and Red Robin arrive on the scene to find this:

Okay, so I guess it was Cassie. I don't know what happened to Evil Naked Spiky Dick Grayson.

And apparently Lobdell can't even write a 20 page story anymore. Red Hood has been running short to shove an uninteresting Essence story in the back. And now this story went fifteen pages and features a Fabian Nicieza and Jorge Jimenez backup entitled "WHEN DINOSAURS WALKED THE EARTH!" Just in case, you know, you haven't quite gotten enough of dinosaurs yet.

Three dinosaur-teenager hybrids wander out from Danny the Alley into China Town where they immediately cause chaos. Their names are Steg, Dac, and Teryx. They're looking for adventure and fortune cookies! Kid Flash just happens to be walking out of a restaurant with some noodles when he notices the chaos and thinks, "...if I had common sense, I wouldn't get involved. Luckily for all the boys and girls watching at home, I don't." Fuck you, Kid Flash! You aren't on a fucking television show.

The saddest part about this story is that it is going to be continued in DC Universe Presents #12! Well, I did call that DCUP #12 would be a one-shot. But I didn't think it would be taken over by a piece of shit story about teenaged dinosaur people with no motivation. Were these characters simply thought up with eyes on a lousy Saturday Morning Cartoon? My guess is DC Universe Presents will drop a few ranks next issue!

Teen Titans #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. It's really sad that the Teen Titans have such a shit book with a fucking hack writer at the helm. I wonder if Scott Lobdell will manage to kill the franchise and everybody's interest in the Titans?

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