Justice League International #12

Oh, there's Batman! You better have a good excuse for abandoning everyone last issue, you Bat-twat.

Okay, okay. I opened this comic, read the first two pages, and now I can't stop laughing. I'm laughing for very different reasons than when this comic book used to star Blue Beetle as well and it was funny. This team is just pathetic. Incredibly pathetic. Guess how many pages into Issue #12 before the entire team is unconscious?

It's a trick question! The issue begins with them knocked out! Although they're first shown here on page two. Hopefully some graves are already dug for them!

Thankfully Batman is finally back and he's still on his feet. And I don't see Batwing in that panel. I'd say he finally went back to his own more respectable comic book but he's right there on the cover waiting to suck with the rest of them.

Lightweaver's brother has ambushed them at Gavril's grave. I don't know if I'm spelling Rocket Red's civilian name correctly since he wasn't around long enough for me to care. Lightweaver's brother is an idiot though because he's attacking Batman even though Batman wasn't anywhere near the site of Lightweaver's death! As Batman tries to convince this kid that the JLI was not responsible for Lightweaver's death, he flashes back to the beginning of the funeral.

What do you mean "we" couldn't find his body? You weren't fucking there! I wonder if they'll add Batman in various random panels when they publish the trade paperback of these stories?

The JLI arrive in Russia to pay their respects to another fallen Rocket Red. At least this one didn't turn out to be a goddamned Manhunter! They apparently swallow their pride to borrow a ship from Oliver Queen instead of having Guy Gardner create a ship for them. Perhaps they learned they were not fans of riding in Gardner ship constructs after their short trip to Paris.

He's right there! Look! Behind you! He's...he's...he's...oh, come on! No wonder you idiots get your asses kicked all of the time!

The team discusses whether or not the JLI will be discontinued since they now have no funding. The consensus is that they will somehow continue the team. Jesus. I'm willing to bet 75% of all Justice League stories post Giffen's run and not written by Grant Morrison involved how the team was being funded! I know I'd lose that bet but you can't help what a person will say when exaggerating a point!
The team is ambushed by Lightweaver's brother. Well, not exactly ambushed. Lightweaver's brother calls them out and admonishes them and calls them fascists. And then he attacks them with his super powers. Which they're still not ready to defend against. Guys, clue #1: someone calls you fascist, get ready to defend yourselves!

This is so insulting. Not Batman's statement (although that is! Gardner is a trained, experienced Green Lantern and he needs some sidekick pointers?) but the way Jurgens writes this team as if they're all amateurs. When has one blast of anything ever taken out Guy Gardner? Okay, bad example. Lightweaver's brother's light construct was probably in the shape of Batman's fist.

Batman tries beating up Malik (Lightweaver's brother!) and tries lecturing him as well. The lecturing works and Malik suddenly feels remorseful.

And the rest of the team has recovered! I guess when you're used to getting your ass handed to you on a regular basis, you learn to shake it off rather quickly.

After straightening out their little disagreement, Batman has some wonderful news for the fan of Justice League International!

What a hard knock fucking life.

So Batwing finally finds a way to extricate himself from this ship hauling a shipment of anchors. And Batman just bought his dignity back by funding them instead of appearing with them. Smart move! The rest of the team appears to be hanging around and I imagine Fire and Ice will be back as well as a new member or two.

Tacky! I mean the colors, not the flippant allusion to shot in the head never coming back dead forever Ted Kord.

And with that, the regular issues of Justice League International are done for now. Looks like there will be an Annual as well as the Zero Issue, so still plenty of ass handing outs to be had!

Justice League International #12 Rating: No change. I just can't be excited about this group pictured here:

And I thought the Justice League of America with Gypsy, Vixen, and Vibe was lackluster!