Batman: The Dark Knight #11

How many times is Gordon going to be a victim?

Gordon has been kidnapped by The Scarecrow because The Scarecrow has some kind of deadly plan for him and The Batman. See, The Scarecrow is sick and tired of Batman and Gordon ruining his crimes. You can't be a criminal mastermind in Gotham City without being targeted by the lousy do-gooders. Of course, you can't be a lousy do-gooder without being targeted by the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops either. You also can't be an average citizen without constantly fearing being killed by a Criminal Mastermind, harassed by a Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop, or having your property damaged by some overzealous do-gooder. The city is a goddamn wreck.

DC needs to think about what they're doing to Gotham City in The New 52. With all of the Batman and Batman Family titles, eighty percent of the action in the DCnU takes place in Gotham City. Another ten percent probably takes place in New York. Five percent takes place beneath the Eiffel Tower. And the final five percent is split between Seattle, Coast City, the Congo, and other random locales. I'm not sure how someone like the Scarecrow doesn't accidentally trip over a fucking Costume just walking to Gordon's house to set up the trap.

Batgirl: "Hey Nightwing! Nice night for a swing, hunh?!"
Nightwing: "What was tha...mutter mutter whisper whispe" *gone*
Batgirl: "*sigh* Nice ass, Grayson."
Black Canary: "What are you mooning about? And who the fuck is Grayson? Um, never mind. Do you want to go to the Eiffel Tower with the Birds this week?
Katana: "I will not touch you against Black Canary's pudendum!"
Batgirl: "What the fuck?"
Starling: "Katana's dead husband's soul is trapped within her katana and she speaks with it all the time. Next panel, I will have forgotten this fact and find it totally unbelievable and nuts.
Batwoman: "I like the way your sword thinks, Katana! *rowr* *makes claws*"
Catwoman: "You goddamn bitch! That's my schtick! You should be saying, "Squeak!" in a sexy voice and flapping your arms like a spastic."
Batwing: "I trailed an African criminal to Gotham! Have any of you seen Batman?"
Catwoman: "Mmm, I have. More than some fans like, even. *squeak* *flaps arms spastically*
Scarecrow: "La la la! La la la la! La la la! La la la la!"
Poison Ivy: "Oh, look who's up to no good. It's little Johnny Crane."
Batgirl: "Oh my! Do you think we should stop him?"
Black Canary: "Fuck that. This is Batman's turf. Let him handle it. Anyway, I've got cramps."
Starling: "Weird! So do I!"
Katana: "私も!"
Batgirl: "Yeah, we should just go back to my place and watch movies with Alysia."
Black Canary: "But isn't that Gordon's house Crane is breaking into?"
Batgirl: "Fuck it. He loves being rescued by Batman. Let's just go."

Meanwhile, Bruce will put up with anything to touch his sword to some pudendum.

Awkward post-near-break-up-fight date.

Why is Bruce even seeing Natalya again? He's a playboy but so far in The New 52, he's being treated like a serial monogamist. Why is he enduring bullshit like this apology date? Once the woman is fucking tired of the way Bruce Wayne is always disappearing or his mind is always on other things, it's time for Bruce to just walk away. It's not like he's going to suddenly start acting any different. Oh, is Natalya the true love of Bruce's life now? Well then, Alfred can just fuck off with his message that Gordon has been kidnapped!

Shit, I never had the options Bruce had and I never put up with this bullshit. And look at Natalya! Making fucking excuses for Bruce! Please, girl, have some respect for yourself. He's a narcissistic asshole. You don't have to apologize for him. Some advice for both of you: walk the fuck away. Let it die. It's over.

That whole awkward part of relationships where you're beginning to discover the other person is an asshole but you're not quite over the newness of the sex with them is simply miserable: pretending that there is more there just to fuck them one more time (because the chemistry and the sex are terrific!); both parties just wading through the bullshit and trying to come to a meeting place where they can drop the pretense and just fucking kiss already; ignoring the insults and abuse you've endured up until this point because of the wetness/hardness in your nether regions. Disney should make a movie dealing with that kind of love!

The scene is actually pretty brilliant in its uncomfortableness. But I intensely dislike Alfred telling Batman to turn on the television in front of Natalya to get the news that Gordon is missing. Now Bruce takes off as if there were something he can do. And then Batman saves Gordon. Does he just assume Natalya is a gorgeous musical savant who can't make logical connections in any significant way? I wanted to type "significunt" but figured people would just see it as a typo as opposed to simply misogynistic whimsy.

The next page is a two-page splash that shows the Batmobile racing away from Wayne Manor with bats flying along with it and the title of the issue, Cycle of Violence (Part Two although it doesn't say Part Two anywhere). I've complained about the overuse of splash pages when not needed throughout my New 52 commentaries. But I thought I'd actually print some corroboration to my dislike by a professional, Greg Rucka (who left DC a few years ago): "Normally I detest writing splash pages; I think they're a waste of precious real estate, and I think they've been overused to such an extent that they've lost all dramatic impact." That's from his comments on 52 Book One, Week Eleven. Hey, that's what I've been saying! That Rucka is a genius!

Batman heads out to do some detective work even though this is not Detective Comics but The Dark Knight. I think in The Dark Knight, he should eschew detective work and just go around beating the shit out of informants and possible witnesses (only if the witnesses are asshole though!). At least his detective work in this comic is pretty shoddy.

I'm going to go out on a limb, way past any actual knowledge I have on the subject of forensics and being scared to death, and say, "Forensics cannot show that someone was scared to death!" But hey, if they could, might as well jump to the conclusion that The Scarecrow is to blame! What a fucking shit detective.

Batman does eventually take readings of some elements in the bathroom and discovers traces of Gordon's feces and Fear Toxin. So at least he can now be sure that the Scarecrow kidnapped Gordon and that Gordon crapped his pants.

Do I have to actually admit that Batman didn't find fecal matter? You knew that wasn't actually in the comic book, right?

That last paragraph (and this one!) is my Narration Boxing because I'm assuming that somebody, somewhere is reading this. Unlike if I just thought it in my head in the same language. That would be crazy!

Later at the Jason Todd Memorial Playground...

This isn't too creepy.

And even later still at the R. Kelly/David Finch School for Pissing on Possibly Older (or Younger) Than They Actually Look Young (or Old) White Girls...

Are you imagining what the Scarecrow's penis looks like too? Oh, well now you are!

While Scarecrow does whatever he's doing to the girl (which ultimately ends up being whatever I tell you he's doing to the girl because I'm reading the comic book and choosing what pictures I want to show you), he flashes back to his father conducting fear experiments on himself. Now Hurwitz has linked Batman (by having Natalya mention it during their awkward date) and Scarecrow with tragedy and fear in their youth. And after Scarecrow finishes pissing on the girl's face, he collects some samples.

I guess Scarecrow Urine and Children's Tears mixed together create the Fear Toxin. Or maybe the antidote.

Batman does some more detective work by interrogating a stuffed animal named Ducky. Look, you can either buy the comic book and read it yourself or read my interpretation of events! And I say Batman interrogated a stuffed duck!

See? Also, this is more proof that David Finch sees all females as fourteen to sixteen years old. 30 year old? Looks like this. 8 year old? Looks like this. 50 year old? Looks like this with a some crosshatching on the face.

Ducky tells Batman that the little girl was shoved inside a black van with the license plate BEATNGU HLLWMAN. He tracks it to a ramshackle house which he doesn't sneak into because Gordon is in there and he's in trouble! And because he doesn't sneak in, he gets blasted in the face by The Scarecrow's No More Fears Urine and Tear Mixture.

When did Jonathan Crane become a hillbilly with a Dr. Seuss shotgun?

This causes Batman to fall backwards into a well-concealed hole in the front yard where he falls into a mine cart on some tracks and The Scarecrow, having jumped through a trapdoor on his front porch, lands on Batman and shoves a bunch of needles into Batman full of Fear Urine. Yes, that's exactly how it happens even though I've been known to make things up. My guess is that next issue Batman yet another Fear Toxin Freak Out even though he knew he was coming after the Scarecrow and should have taken precautions. Like some kind of antidote or possibly a 5-Hour Batman Urine Courage Boosting Enhancement.

Batman: The Dark Knight #11 Rating: No change. The title really hasn't gotten much better even with a professional writer on board. So far, it's just another standard Scarecrow jam. Here's to hoping there's some kind of twist at the end of the story to differentiate from every other Scarecrow story that's ever been told. And no, I don't want the twist to be Batman realizes Scarecrow, like everyone else, is scared sometimes.