Teen Titans #12

Who's ready for a fifteen page Teen Titans story followed by five pages of stupid teenaged dinosaurs!?

 

Since I haven't even opened the comic book yet, I can't know for sure that the Teen Titans story is only fifteen pages long. But I'm pretty sure Kid Flash told me that the Dinosaur Love Triangle story would be continuing in this comic book, so it's a pretty fair guess. I'm just sad that we won't get a full fifteen pages to learn about Diesel. Although his motivation was spelled out nicely on the cover here so Lobdell won't need to go into the backstory much inside the comic book.

Last issue, Wonder Girl had beaten the crap out of Kid Flash, Bunker, and Solstice. Superboy and Red Robin had just arrived on the scene to see her pleading for help. Somehow in all of this, that guy Diesel is involved.

Jesus fucking jelly beans. This issue begins exactly like Superboy #12!

Except it's not setting up a joke where he ends up dancing in a club. But the narration is utilizing the exact same device as the first page of Superboy.

Somebody at DC has got to call a meeting of all of the worst writers (if they don't want to hurt any feelings, they should just call a meeting of all the writers that worked for Marvel for years and are now working for DC. Because it looks like Marvel just jettisoned all of their worst talent at some point and they ended up in the New 52). Explain to them that comic books tell an ongoing story. When you begin the script for a new issue, you don't have to think of it as starting a new story all over again. You don't need to figure out some opening to get the story moving. Don't give an oral report on the way history tells us many things. Don't explain that Superboy has been through a lot and his training can't help him now. Don't fill the first page with one gigantic static image and a bunch of Narration Boxes which sound like a tenth grader's opening paragraph of a comparison/contrast essay.

Also, I love that Superboy "was created to be nothing less than the WORD'S most powerful living weapon." It's just so Biblical! And meta!

Let me interrupt myself for a moment to point out the meta joke to all of the people who aren't reading every single entry in my blog. See, over in Red Hood and the Outlaws, Scott Lobdell has Roy Harper telling a story where Roy suddenly says, "And this is where it gets meta!" But it doesn't get meta there at all. I'd also like to point out that these commentaries I'm writing are all pieces of a whole. They flow from one to the next because I draw on things I've written or read previously. Sure, some of the commentaries are simply a synopsis of the comic I just read and aren't very interesting. So if you read something that you don't understand, don't blame me for not explaining it! Blame yourself for being too lazy to read my previous stuff!

Now that I've just chastised any readers reading so that they're now muttering, "Fuck you, you arrogant prick," right now and hitting the back button on their browser, let's continue!

Last issue ended in Red Robin's penthouse apartment in Lexcorps Towers. But this one begins in Central Park?

Or did Cassie somehow transform the apartment into a forest? I guess I could defend the comic and say they've moved down to the park since Cassie busted Superboy in the chops. But why should I be filling in the gaps and doing the work of the writer and artist? Also, don't worry if you can't read that text. I just scanned that to show the trees around them.

Reading a bit further into the confrontation, it looks like a lot more time has passed than Superboy showing up and getting punched down into the park. The next panel I scan is sort of an attempt to explain that but I think it's also a NAMBLA joke. NAMBLA. Do they still exist? For you Tumblr kiddies that believe everyone needs to accept everyone else, NAMBLA stands for North American Man/Boy Love Association. Holy Shub-Niggurath, it still exists.

See? I think Superboy is accusing Tim of being more than friends with Alfred!

At the end of last issue, Cassie was pleading for help. So it looks like between the end of last issue and the beginning of this one, Tim Drake made a phone call.

Tim Drake: "Hello, Alfred? It's Tim."
Alfred Pennyworth: "Oh. tim. Been enjoying New York's waffles?"
Tim Drake: "Oh, come on Alfred! I always enjoyed your waffles!"
Alfred Pennyworth: "Really now? Do you actually think Master Bruce wouldn't have bugged your penthouse to keep an eye on you and make sure your safe? I heard your little conversation with Master Todd."
Tim Drake: "*sigh* Alfred, I'm sorry. But what do you do the batter? Jerk off into it?"
Alfred Pennyworth: "If you don't like the way it's always been done in the Pennyworth clan, you didn't have to eat it, you know."
Tim Drake: "Oh God. Wait. Let me vomit on Kid Flash's face here. Just a sec."
Alfred Pennyworth: "I'll get Master Bruce. tim."
Tim Drake: "No no! I called to speak with you, Alfred! I need a secluded place to take my friend Wonder Girl and I was wondering...."
Alfred Pennyworth: "Say no more. Say no more. You can take her to my family's cabin up in the Catskills. I must say I am surprised though. I thought it more than likely you'd end up with Bunker. Good day."

After the phone call, Red Robin and Superboy packed up Cassie and took her to the cabin for some Silent Greek Armor detox. They left Solstice, Kid Flash, and Bunker in a motel on the New Jersey turnpike. For some reason.

Red Robin and Superboy are trying to find a way to remove the armor from Cassie. When she's completely encased in it, she wants to be called Wonder Girl and she acts like a gigantic asshole. They'd rather have the girl who hates being called Wonder Girl and acts like a gigantic asshole.

"Your Inertron is based on pure science while my armor is based on retarded fiction! YOU CAN'T WIN!"

Red Robin slices open the armor with his Inertron wings because they're even harder than the other fake metal of the other universe, Adamantium. With the gap in the armor, Superboy inserts his penile tactile telekinesis and begins ripping the armor from Cassie's body. Once the armor is gone, Cassie thanks them for helping her. But then Diesel shows up. He paralyzes Red Robin and Superboy with a gas (that's a new one! But still the same Lobdell trick. Any hero can be incapacitated with barely any reason given just to get them out of the way) so that Diesel can now steal what's left of Cassie's power while the armor is gone. And then he armors up with his own evil world ending armor and takes off.

Robin and Superboy come to and Cassie calls Red Robin and Superboy stupid for helping her. Geez! There's no pleasing this woman! Even though the armor is killing her, she apparently needs to be wearing it to counteract Diesel's world destroying magic Angkor Wat armor. Since it's invisible and Superboy tore it off of her, I'm not sure how they'll find it. But they have an extra month to look for it since Issue #0 comes out next.

And then the Teenaged Dinosaur back-up story stabs me in the face with its pure stupidity. Not like I wasn't expecting it! I was already in a pretty good defensive posture from having just read Teen Titans, so the damage is minimal. Although when Kid Flash arrives late to the fight saying he was "figuring out how to DVR 'Pretty Little Liars', it seems a bit ridiculous. I'm sure that's just a joke and a way that he can impress Teryx with the knowledge that he watches that show but it still just makes Kid Flash sound stupid. He's super duper duper super fast and he's late because he couldn't figure out how to hit two buttons: program guide, record.

Aside from that moment, there's not much else. Steg and Dac are creating an army of dinosaur things to take over the world. Eventually they'll be back to fight The Ravagers. Come on! Something this stupid has to end up in the stupidest book of The New 52, right?

Teen Titans #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. It gets a downgrade because of the lame change in locales for no real reason and for the five pages of Teenaged Dinosaurs that would have actually been better used for advertising.