Monday, August 27, 2012

New Guardians #12

I hope the great lie is that Earth only has one Green Lantern and the others are illusions that will instantly disappear. Of course Guy Gardner would be the real Lantern. Although John Stewart would be an acceptable alternative.

Last issue, Sayd actually revealed half of the lie. She was the one that organized the ring stealing incident that brought all of these assholes together. But before she could explain why, Invictus had arrived to eat Larfleeze's balls. So pardon the gigantic fight before anything else gets explained.

No no no! I was just kidding about the big fight! Tell me the secret!

Invictus keeps calling himself an archangel and maybe that's what he is. Perhaps every system has a bunch of powerful angels that muck with the different worlds. Or maybe they were just a very powerful race which Larfleeze nearly destroyed. An earlier issue told the history of Invictus and now I've forgotten it. I think Larfleeze killed the archangels to gain their power except their power went to the other archangels instead. So Invictus has the power of all of his fallen comrades which is why Larfleeze wanted to kill him too. So he could finally get the power. Look at that! I remembered!

Oh, my point being: Invictus has now become much too powerful for any of the Lanterns to destroy. So they're going to take him down together. I hope he isn't immune to rainbows.

Invictus arrives and instantly begins choking the life out of Larfleeze. The other Lanterns stand around and chit chat. Nobody but Kyle really wants to help out. I guess Fatality probably does since she loves everyone. And Munk is made of compassion or something, so he probably wouldn't mind stepping in. Unless he feels compassion for Invictus since Larfleeze was the asshole who started this rivalry a billion years ago. But Kyle eventually points out that without an Orange Lantern, the Rainbow Corps might as well be the Rainbow Corpse and they all have a good laugh and dunk their biscuits in their tea. Then they dab the corners of their mouths with their cloth napkins and begin beating the crap out of Invictus.

The only reason the Weaponer of Qwaard is with them is because Arkillo promised he could have the Orrery. So the Weaponer doesn't care at all about the fight with Invictus. He just wants to get his hands on the prize. So he feeds Kyle a big fat lie about some kill switch bullshit.

It has to be bull! "Every weapon that powerful has to have a kill switch." Pfft! Inanity!

The Lanterns distract Invictus long enough for the Weaponer's plan to take effect.

Of course, his plan isn't going to help them any!

Of course the Weaponer is doing his own thing! I'll bet the Don't Come line every single time Kyle Rayner is throwing the dice. What I'm trying to say is: he's not very observant or intelligent or good at strategy. But I hear he's really stubborn!

Wait a minute! Hold on a second! What happened to Kyle Rayner's Rainbow Power? Is he ever going to use that again? Maybe to defeat Invictus? He must have absorbed all of the rings for a reason. I think the only power he didn't get was Orange. Perhaps he still needs to absorb Larfleeze's ring before he can defeat Invictus. I just think he'll never deal with that rainbow power ever again.

I was wrong! The Weaponer's plan actually did help them although he didn't mean for it to help. The Weaponer steals the Orrery and begins flying it away. The further it gets from Invictus, the less power it can give him. Kyle and Saint Walker destroy Invictus's statue which keep him from teleporting back to the ship. He loses more and more power and eventually falls unconscious. Larfleeze seizes his chance to turn Invictus into one of his Orange Corps members but his ring suddenly fails him.

It's because every ring screams, "LET ME OUT!" Hal's ring was doing that as well. And maybe Guy's and John's too. Whatever it is, it'll be dealt with in the Green Lantern Annual. Meanwhile, Sayd the Guardian finally tells the other half of the secret about the rings.

Kyle is the angriest, greediest, most fearsome, stubborn, hopeful, compassionate, and loving person in the Universe? Get outta here!

The big reveal merely gives all of the non-Green Lanterns an excuse to leave. They never wanted to be a team in the first place, so it wasn't like they were going to stick together. But now they're able to blame it on Sayd founding the whole project on a lie and they all leave with a clear conscience that the Guardian is to blame. Fuck, the Guardian is always to blame so I don't blame them at all! I'd leave too.

The New Guardians #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. The big reveal was a big let down. Sayd had a sudden impulse to form the Rainbow Corps when she felt Ganthet lose his emotions? That's it? The Rainbow Corps was formed on a whim? Well, maybe whatever Rainbow Corps is formed in Issue #0 will stick. So many of these team books are just really lengthy set-ups to explain why any of these characters would ever consider working together. And then they don't even end up working together because even the writer felt his reason to keep them together wasn't good enough! This same thing happened in Milligan's Justice League Dark as well, although Lemire came through and fixed it up nicely. Teen Titans are still considering whether or not they're a team. The Ravagers keep bickering and fighting. Can't some of these comics just start with the heroes meeting up in a local Green Gryphon and being forced into a party together just to get the fucking game comic started?

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