Friday, August 31, 2012

Justice League #12

Let me guess: Superman is possessed by the ghost of Steve Trevor? Or maybe it's simply because Wonder Woman "loves everybody." And if that's the case, where's the fucking queue?

Last issue's commentary, I mentioned that I had 21 comic books left before I finally caught up. Having begun reading the New 52 at the end of December, I began with a backlog of 208 comics. I began with Justice League simply because it's the first issue in the Big Book of Issue #1s. And now it's the final issue I need to read before I'm caught up simply because it was released the last week of August! I'm finally going to be caught up!

Except for these stupid Annuals. I hate Annuals! They're never any good.

So where were the Justice League? They'd managed to enter the Foyer of the Dead in their search for Graves. What they found were a bunch of ghosts from their pasts. Or in Cyborg's case, the ghost of himself. Mindfuck!

This issue begins with David Graves telling someone (probably Steve Trevor's sister) his philosophy on the Justice League.

Sheesh. I don't even put my faith in a crosswalk when I've got the light! If it's about your own survival, that shit is up to you. If you're putting faith in other people to keep you alive, you aren't going to be long for this world.

Actually, it turns out the Narration Boxes are Harvey and Charles discussing the situation on TMZ. I don't buy it because it isn't funny and they spend way too long talking about it and nobody asked Superman how often he masturbates. But the press apparently knows everything that's going on because they saw some footage of the Justice League brawling in the streets. I'm sorry. Without a press conference and the AP putting out the story from the press conference, media outlets today have nothing to say. Although it is mostly speculation couched as truth, so that's accurate. But now that the reader is caught up through this device, the action returns to Mount Sumeru and the Valley of Souls.

All the ghosts assume that each member of the Justice League is pursuing a life of super heroics because they want to avenge the face on the ghost speaking. It's a pretty D-list ploy. Hal is so selfish that he doesn't fall for it at all, knowing that he's Green Lantern because it gets him the chicks and some respect. The others are all a bit mesmerized even when the stupid ghosts make the situation even sillier by suggesting that they all kill themselves to be with their loved ones.

While the Justice League succumb to the extreme feels of the land of the dead, David Graves walks amongst them gloating and blabbing his plan. He doesn't plan to kill anybody. He just wants to release these "ghosts" all across the world so everyone can be happy to have their loved ones back. Except these ghosts are obviously imposters since there is no afterlife. Even Deadman isn't Boston Brand! He's just a big fucking faker! Too bad Mister Terrific wasn't on this team. He'd be visited by his wife and he'd instantly know someone was fucking with him because she's long dead, buddy. Although he could be visited by his son since I'm pretty sure his son is still alive and over on Earth 2!

Well, whatever nonsense is happening here, the Justice League seem to be buying it. I can't say I have the emotional capacity to give a shit if this happened to me. I might think it's cruel that someone was trying to trick me into believing that they're my dead grandparents, but I wouldn't get all weepy and happy and run off to kill myself to be with them. This Valley of Souls is the suckiest valley in the world.

The trick doesn't last long enough for the Justice League to be defeated though. Because even though Hal Jordan told them it was a trick, nobody actually believed him until Steve Trevor shows up and shoots Graves in the shoulder.

The Justice League can defeat Darkseid by turn up the feels and they collapse in a pile of quivering crying super babies.

Once the illusion has slipped because Trevor (luckily!) escaped his bonds from the back room of the Valley of Souls, the Justice League feels okay beating up on the images of their dead family members. Then they all team up and fire their powers at Graves, shattering the creatures that were pretending to be his family and driving them away. The Justice League beat the cancer-ridden old writer! Blunt force trauma, heat vision, Green Lantern light, and white noise are no match for a well told story involving dead ancestors!

And, well, damn. That wraps up the action packed story about how the Justice League was nearly defeated by some decent research.

Later, Diana visits Steve Trevor in the hospital. She tells him the Justice League is getting a new liaison to deal with Washington. She doesn't want to see him hurt so she pushes him away. Trite. Cliche. Contrived romantic tension. People don't actually do that shit unless they really don't ever want to see the other person again. So Wonder Woman had better not end up actually loving Steve Trevor or I'm going to jump out of a window. Um, it'll be on the ground floor though, so don't worry. How much do you think I'm actually invested in this comic book? Sheesh! I'll forget all about this story as soon as I polybag it and throw it in a box!

The Justice League (minus Superman and Wonder Woman (They must be off making out in the sky now that Steve Trevor is out of the way)) discuss their new situation in the world now that David Graves has cast a negative light on them. Oh boy. This crap again. The world can't trust the super heroes bullshit strikes again! So now they have to figure out what to do. Aquaman thinks he should become leader which instantly becomes the most ridiculous thing in the book so far! What are you going to do as leader? Get a crap team composed of Vibe, Vixen, and Gypsy together? Because that didn't end in disaster!

Oh stop with the what ifs and the drama! You're seven people lucky enough to have super powers. You can't fucking save everyone! The problem with society is that everyone is trying to end sadness and death. Stop it. Just stop it! "Some people got cancer that may have been caused by something that we may have done that time we saved Earth! We can't ever let anyone get cancer again!" "Oh no, someone was hit by a car while riding a bike! We can't ever have a bike be hit by a car again and we have to write tons of legislation to stop it! And that legislation needs to have my name attached so it looks like I did some good shit when elections roll around again!" "Holy shit, I murdered my downstairs neighbor! I can't allow anyone to move in downstairs again or else I'll murder that fucking asshole too because I can't stand the sound of him showering in the morning! Or maybe outlaw showering! That'll keep me from killing again!"

Fuck. That caption got a little bit out of control there. Maybe that's my super villain power! I give captions to photos word bloat!

And then Hal Jordan finally says something adult that makes sense. He's so wise and smart and saying the things I was saying. What a hero!

Oh, let him quit. I'm pretty sure he's going to die in Green Lantern Annual #1 anyway.

Later, Superman and Wonder Woman kiss. Superman is feeling lonely because Lois is fucking that douchebag reporter. And Wonder Woman is lonely because she just dumped Steve Trevor. And they're both lonely because they don't think they can truly be honest with anybody. Just wait until they get in a relationship! Do they actually think that'll allow them to feel close and be honest and live carefree knowing they have a soulmate? They're going to start lying to each other left and right! Unless Diana can't lie with the lasso strapped to her waist.

Fine. Here they are kissing. Whee!

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Amanda Waller gives David Grave a typewriter and hires him to write a book called "How to Destroy the Justice League." Technically, I think that means David Graves is now a member of the Suicide Squad.

Justice League #12 Rating: No change. I like that half of the comic was devoted to after the final battle with Graves which was pretty anti-climactic. But I didn't like that a lot of the Justice League have a single digit Wisdom Statistic. They all need to grow up! I guess they're all supposed to be in their twenties, so it makes sense that they argue about some of the stupid shit they argue about. And I'm still pissed that they came to blows with each other last issue. I don't like a lot of things in comic books but heroes punching each other in the face because of a disagreement is the worst of the worst. Unless I said something else was worse than that somewhere else. Then that's the worst!

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