Thursday, August 2, 2012

All Star Western #11

The copy on the cover does a great disservice to the art. This series should just leave the words off and let the art speak for itself.

At the end of last issue, Jonah Hex was having sex with Tallulah Black while Arkham was very nearly being killed by The Court of Owls' Talon.

Arkham is putting the pieces of his and Jonah's last few adventures together.

Oh how naive! Dozens of secret, covert, and black ops organizations can practically exist in the same building in the New DC!

Apparently Jonah and Tallulah had finished cleaning out Tallulah's rat's next quite awhile ago and were now busy ambushing Bennet because he's a real estate flipping douchebag. But Bennet's bodyguard, The Crimson Pirate Molester (whose real name is Mr. Baroque (if it ain't baroque....)), prances out of the shadows to protect him. He shoots Hex in the shoulder but Hex shoots him in the face. Or maybe the shoulder as well because I don't imagine we've seen the last of the Crimson Pirate Molester!

After a bit of gunfire, Bennet is unarmed and at Tallulah's mercy. And then that fucking Talon decides to triple back flip twist into the middle of the fight.

With those tits, my guess is this Talon is one of Gotham's hot prostitutes.

The Talon escapes with Bennet in a cloud of ninja smoke bomb. Jonah and Tallulah decide to beat it before Gotham's dirty cops show up and start busting heads and arresting people for wanting to not be arrested.

Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "Okay! Break it up! What's going on here?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Nothing, sir! Not a jim jammery jottin' thing, whut!"
Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "What did you call me? Do you want me to arrest you?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Why, no officer! Please don't!"
Metaphor For Every Fucking Cop Ever: "That's it! You're under arrest for resisting arrest, you fucking cunt!"

The Talon doesn't escape far with Bennet. Apparently the trick for disappearing in a cloud of smoke using the traditional ninja smoke bomb is to quickly hide someplace nearby. This time, the Talon hung from the bottom of the nearby bridge with Bennet in her arms. And a noose around Bennet's neck. She leaves him to die by hanging and disappears.

The Court of Owls wants Hex to take the blame for Bennet's death. They rule by secrecy but I guess they don't mind people like Hex knowing about their Talon. Who's going to believe him? Besides, they probably figure he'll be killed in the ensuing chaos of the Crime Bibleers' retaliation.

How come the men don't get pets? Mr. Terror can have a Raven. Mr. Assassination can have a tiny crocodile. And Mr. Extortion needs a monkey.

Later that night, the Dirty Fucking Gotham Police storm Akrham Asylum Manor to arrest Jonah, Amadeus, and Tallulah for not wanting to wait around to not be arrested.

After resizing the scanned picture and saving it, I realized I should have altered the cops text to say he's getting sick to the stomach of looking at Tallulah's rat's nest.

Of course the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops aren't merely taking their captives to prison. They're driving an hour or so outside Gotham to bring them to Dr. Steampunk Mengele. It's crazy Wild, Wild West Death Trap for them now!

Pshaw! A controlled opiate isn't going to have any effect on Arkham! Too bad Arkham isn't exactly the go to guy for escape plans.

But it isn't Arkham who isn't affected by the opiate. Unless Arkham is just faking being passed out until Jonah wakes up since he has no idea what to do in extreme situations like this where death is quite probably going to be the outcome. It's Tallulah who's with it enough to formulate an escape plan as well as an essay on sexism.

As if she hasn't tied her fair share of men to things!

The Five Crime Lords arrive to find Tallulah Black missing. Apparently news doesn't travel fast enough in the old west or else the Crime Lords would have heard how the August 8 made this same mistake. I'm pretty sure if you have an organization of crime that you should never get all of your leaders in one place to do the dirty work. That's what followers and lackeys and henchmen are for, dumb dumbs!

Be here next month when the battered and bloody and dying Crime Lords answer the door to hear: "Telegram! Dear Crime Lordians. Stop. August 8 tried to kill Jonah Hex. Stop. Idiots all gathered together in one place for him to pick off. Stop. Yours sincerely, New Orleans Crime Bible Gossip Paper. Stop."

Reading the back-up story, I notice Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti misuse "whom" for the second time this issue. Not that I really care. But they should just stick with the tried and true method of using "who" all of the time since percentage-wise, it's most likely the right choice. And if they get it wrong, it's less retarded than sticking "whom" everywhere.

This is the second comic in a row where I initially didn't give a shit about the back-up issue but I've become a fan! Dr. Terrence Thirteen is the bee's knees!

Gotham is being plagued by The Haunted Highwayman, so Dr. Thirteen is recruited to uncover the mystery of this brigand!

So much awesome on this page.

Dr. Terrence Thirteen looks like Jason Scott of Textfiles fame if Jason were to just shave the bottom half of the beard.

So much awesome here too.

Dr. Thirteen heads out with a posse and ambushes The Haunted Highwayman. But the Highwayman turns his flamethrower pistol on Dr. Thirteen! Will he survive?

All Star Western #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not surprised how much I like this western book with Jonah Hex. But I am very surprised that they didn't find a writer or artist to ruin it.

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