I, Vampire #12

This cover holds no pathos or tension since it's been established that Andrew Bennett cannot die unless he chooses to die.

At the end of last issue, whichever protagonists were left were being overrun by a mob of Mummy Zombie Vampire Hunter Rednecks all yelling, "Reinforcements!" in unison. It was kind of ridiculous. Am I supposed to be worried that perhaps Tig or John might die? They just survived a plane crash and then a bomb exploding right next to them last issue, so I think they'll be okay no matter what happens. Mary isn't going to die any time soon since the entire comic seems to be a kind of never ending break-up between these two. Perhaps I should be worried for Stormwatch!

Jack, Apollo, and Midnighter have arrived to investigate the disappearance of an entire town. Jack felt it and apparently there was a lull in the protecting the universe game, so Stormwatch decided to head down and see what was up.

Midnighter is totally gay for Apollo, Jack. You know? Like how Portland is totally in love with Seattle? Except Apollo loves Midnighter back.

Apollo spots the residents of the suddenly vacant town a few miles away. He probably wouldn't be surprised to find out that they've all been turned into Mummies. Midnighter is just slightly surprised to find they're vampires.

Fuck basketball. Any sport where continuous fouling is part of a team's playbook should be considered a pseudo-sport. "Go in there and punch that asshole in the nuts to get the clock stopped! Hopefully he'll miss a free throw or two and we can get the ball back and get a three! Now go castrate that mother fucker!"

I just realized Stormwatch needs to be either really secretive while on missions or prepared to kill everyone on the scene. They no longer have Martian Manhunter to mindwipe witnesses. And the Projectionist is long gone so they can't manipulate the media into ignoring their exploits. I'm not even sure why they're dealing with this case except that DC Editorial probably demanded it. This isn't a threat to the world. It's just a big brawl in the desert. Perhaps Hawksmoor owed this town a favor. Also, I supposed Jenny Quantum is off doing homework. I bet she'd love all of this vampire drama.

Yeah, Jack! Trust him! His super power isn't knowing the plot to teen romance novels. His super power is knowing how to defend against and defeat any enemy he encounters. I'm pretty sure he's got this.

The vampires don't die from exposure to the sun but their heads explode when they bite Apollo. I kind of liked Apollo's plan to just let them all eat him. But what happens if one of the Mummy Zombies bites him? He's probably better off just sticking with the plan to kill Andrew Bennett.

Don't scoff at Lost Boy's rules! Earlier in the series, it was already established that was how it worked in this comic book too.

Even with a concentrated blast of Sunny D, Apollo can't kill Andrew Bennett. Bennett then mentions that he's trying to stop the zombies and Apollo instantly becomes his ally because comic books are only 20 pages now and what do you want? Pages of dialogue to make relationships believable or pages of zombies getting their heads cut off? Well DC doesn't care what the fuck you want so you're getting zombies getting their heads cut off!

I wonder if the editors at DC look at The Walking Dead and think, "You know what this comic book needs? Less fucking talking! Look at all of this goddamned characterization! What a waste of space. How come the zombies don't attack them every issue? How do they keep readers when the characters go ten issues sometimes without killing a zombie?"

This book has apparently decided that all Vampire Canon should just be thrown out. If you've heard a rumor about vampires, it's wrong! Pop culture told you something about them? Nope, different. Saw a vampire do something even in this reality? Hmm, you must have been seeing things. One of the things that seems quite different is how vampires are created. No transfer of blood. No consecutive nights of feeding until the victim is drained. Apparently all it takes is one simple bite.

Tig shows us how it's really done!

In the new DC Universe, Vampires act like zombies. And mummies act like zombies. And zombies act like zombies. And zombies zombies zombies. Zombie! Zombies? Yes! Zombies!

Once Tig is turned into a vampire, Andrew realizes that maybe he should get his friend John out of this dangerous situation. He grabs up John and flies to the top of a nearby mesa. Mary and Stormwatch join them to discuss zombie killing plans.

All DC's secret organizations suck at remaining secret. And since the loss of J'onn and The Projectionist, you might as well just give up on the whole idea.

So Stormwatch and a couple of ancient vampires can't figure out how to kill zombies but a bunch of crippled, tired, lost civilians in Walking Dead manage it every day. Maybe it's easier to deal with zombies when you have a gigantic rotating cast of characters, none of which are plot immune to being killed.

Midnighter suggests that since Andrew Bennett was once known as The Demon's Lock and once housed an ancient evil inside himself, that maybe he can do it again. Andrew agrees and he absorbs all of the evil magic infecting everyone in the area. Tig and all of the townsfolk and all of the vampires from earlier and all of the Van Helsings are instantly cured. Andrew has absorbed the magic that changed them. And one other person was devampirized: Mary. The only real problem with this solution is that all of the evil magic absorbed by Andrew Bennett has turned him into a raging, super magic, evil son-of-a-bitch Vampire Lord. And he's hungry. Or horny. It's hard to tell. Even in sign language it's practically the same movement!

Tig is the first course! Or first new vampire. Again, depending on if he's hungry or horny.

I, Vampire #12 Rating: No change. I was really losing interest in this title quickly. Most of this issue, I just couldn't wait to be done. It was definitely heading down the charts. But then Mary was turned human and I think that could actually move this comic book in the right direction. The Andrew becoming evil plot twist doesn't matter quite as much because I'm sure that'll be fixed in no time. But hopefully Mary will remain human. That should kill the incessant return to the "I love you so much but why won't you be evil like me" Mary Seward plot. Now it's gone all reversy time!