Teen Titans #24

I thought they already fell? Multiple times!

The Commentary!
Last night I was at work when the clock ticked over from the 25th to the 26th and I became as middle-aged as anybody can get. Forty-five. I was listening to my Shuffle so the last song I heard as a forty-four year old was "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers and the first song I heard as an old man was "Obsession" by Marina and the Diamonds. Let's hear it for aging!

"One Headlight" was big when I was in my mid-twenties. It kind of became the soundtrack for my life at the time as I was desperate to get out of the place I'd spent the first quarter century of my life. I hadn't changed. I knew I wasn't the same. I wanted to watch it all burn. I'm particularly proud of myself that I didn't set fire to the Netscape warehouse I managed when I quit my job and, a week later, was driving my Volkswagen bus across the United States. I'm also proud that I didn't burn each and every state on my way out. I'm just proud that I stopped setting fires!

This issue takes place after Red Robin died. He didn't actually die but he was yanked out of continuity much the same way Wally West was. But instead of telling fans Red Robin is gone forever and never actually existed (which they believed because most fans are dum-dums who don't know how to fact check by looking at their own pirated copies of comic books on their laptops to prove that Wally West did actually exist and DC Comics never actually created some time distorting technology which erased Wally West from everybody's minds), Red Robin was shown, in the very same comic in which he died, to still be alive but outside of DC Continuity with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) and Ambush Bug. I'm starting to think maybe Doctor Oz is Jonni DC and not Ozymandias and/or Doctor Manhattan like the fans have been told. Or maybe Doctor Oz is simply Irwin Schwab!

Sometimes I wish Keith Giffen were running DC Comics. I wouldn't even care if every comic book repeated the same five jokes over and over again. Because that would be the only predictable thing about a Keith Giffen DC Universe. Remember how they gave Stan Lee his own continuity? Why can't Keith Giffen have one of those?

Anyway, Red Robin is dead (but not really! I don't want somebody who thinks they're the biggest Red Robin fan ever reading about his death here and not realizing that DC made sure that the fans knew Red Robin wasn't really dead in the exact same issue because who wants to hear how loudly Red Robin fans can whine?) so this issue is all about the Teen Titans remembering their favorite Red Robin moments. I hope Wonder Girl's favorite time was when they were living on that yacht and she is all, "I loved that time he put his penis in me!" And then Raven will be all, "I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina in me!"

Bunker begins Memory Sharing Time!

"I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina and Raven's tonsils in my butthole."

Just to let all three of you know, I only got as far as that first panel before deciding Red Robin, possessed by Trigon, also fucked Bunker.

But, um, it looks like things might be going that way!

After they had sex, Tim and Bunker go clothes shopping and then Tim attends his first gay pride parade. He makes a lot of friends, goes to a lot of parties, and sucks a lot of dicks. I don't mean to say gay men are more promiscuous than straight men (of course they aren't! It's just that, you know, if you're a man looking to just fuck and the people you're looking to just fuck happen to be other men just looking to fuck, well...you know what? I'm now gay), it's just that Tim just discovered he loves sucking dick and that's not a time you instantly decide you're ready for a relationship!

So, um, anyway, that was Bunker's favorite memory of Tim. It was the day Tim came out of the closet. Unless that was just Trigon getting in as much fucking as he could while people found him attractive.

Fucking liberal entertainment artists! They can never get the American flag right but they get the rainbow flag correct! I mean, except for that one that has too many stripes and just begins repeating the rainbow pattern.

I suppose the reason DC's artists get the American Flag wrong so often is that most of them aren't Americans. So why should they know the specifics of why the flag is the way it is (although if I had to bet, I'd probably say a higher percentage of Americans can't explain why our flag looks the way it does)? They probably just do a Google Image Search and go, "Yeah. Right. Blue field. Bunch of white stars. Alternating red and white stripes. Got it!" Why would anybody think there's a specific number of stars and stripes?! Just stick on as many as you possibly can. That seems to sum up America pretty accurately, right?!

Next Power Girl shares her favorite memory of Tim. Oh! I know how that probably begins: "So, Tim introduced himself as Red Robin and I was all, 'Hi, I'm Power Girl.' Then he died."

I wasn't far off! Her memory is Tim telling a bad joke and then saying it's nice to know somebody who knows as much as he does. So, she, um, just fucking told all of Tim's friends that, in private, he thought they were morons? Great story, Power Girl!

Tim also helped Power Girl realize she had no obligation to cut a Boob Window into her costume. See? Gay!

Next up: Raven! I bet her story is all about feelings. I'm bored just imagining what it will be!

How many Titans were created to be living weapons?

I didn't have to scan as much of that panel as I did but I wanted to include Raven's crotch and Tim's stupid hair.

Tim is all, "Look, maybe I don't know what it's like being Trigon's daughter...but I know what it's like being in her! OH!" No, actually he mentions how they both have Daddy Issues. Yawn! If Wonder Girl's favorite memory isn't having sex with Tim, I think that's pretty telling about Tim Drake's sexual skills. I guess Batman didn't teach him everything he knows!

Wow! He's supposed to be a genius?! Tim sure read that situation wrong. Batman didn't see a spark of goodness! Batman saw a spark of his own sperm in Damian's genetic makeup!

Gar's memory is just a list of outing past Robin's identities. "Oh, the first one was Dick Grayson. I remember that for some reason even though Spyral erased all of our memories. And then the next one, the dead one, was Jason Todd. Then there's Tim Drake who we only knew as Red Robin for like the first five years we knew him. And then the latest one is Damian Wayne so, you know, guess who Batman is!" I don't really care one way or the other about secret identities. I wouldn't care if they were just left behind and writers simply ignored the idea that family members might get hurt simply to get at the heroes. But it's really hard to tell how much superheroes in the DC Universe care about their identities. Who knows what? How many people has Batman come out to as Bruce Wayne simply to get their confidence up? This is the kind of carelessness which you treat a secret that you don't really give a shit about keeping secret. Unlike that time you fucked the family dog. I mean, you don't tell that one to anybody!

Nope. Wrong. That would be Dick. Thanks for playing.

I do appreciate that Power Girl's funeral attire has a Boob Window, even if her costume doesn't. Totally more appropriate for a funeral anyway. The best place to look sexy is in a room of grief-stricken people just looking to feel life again. I bet more fucking goes on at wakes than at any other type of get together. Which is weird because often it's mostly a mini-family reunion. First cousins aren't technically incest, right? And if they are, there's always the family dog, I suppose.

I'm glad the Titans are telling stories about the good times they had because every issue of the Teen Titans since The New 52 began concentrated on only the bad times. I'm surprised they have any good time stories to tell!

Wonder Girl's story is about shopping with Tim but she doesn't mention the night they fucked! So in summary, shopping with Tim is better than fucking Tim. Totally would have guessed that.

Wonder Girl's story isn't just about shopping though. She and Tim actually did something heroic that day and saved a bunch of people trapped in a fire. So the Teen Titans do help out and save lives! It's just that those stories are super boring and nobody wants to hear them! I guess the fans would rather have lots of stupid relationship drama while the Titans are attacked by their enemies and nearly destroy New York. Then afterward, they pat themselves on the back for saving New York when New York was never in trouble to begin with! Stupid Titans are so stupid. I hate them. I wonder why I have so many of their comic books?! I wonder if I should see a therapist?

After they tell their stories, they all decide it's best to just break up. They all go off to do their own things and not matter separately instead of not mattering together. Meanwhile, Damian is in the Batcave laughing at Tim Drake's empty costume and dancing on his grave. Now all of the Robin's have died at least once! Plus he's probably thinking about how he can put together a Teen Titans that is better than any Teen Titans ever put together by a Robin (which is, like, all of them? Maybe 98% of them?).

Ranking!
+1! Tony Bedard should have been writing this comic book from the beginning. What Tony Bedard just did with these final issues is the equivalent of scraping dog shit off of the front walk and hosing what's left into the gutter so that nobody would ever know it was there. Also, the shit in my analogy is human shit.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #1

I wish this series were subtitled "Week #2".

The Commentary!
The first thing that happens in second semester is that Olive gets a new roommate named Pushy. I mean Amy. No wait! The first thing that happens is Olive takes a bath. Totally naked! Which I only mention because it's a fact and not because I'm some demented old perv who gets off on fictional characters' naked body parts drawn by other demented old pervs! I mean, if you've seen one fifteen year old's tits, you're either a super cool teenager or a demented old perv or, you know, somebody who had tits at fifteen. Also some stuff happens before Olive takes a bath but it's lonely, depressing stuff that nobody should allow past their psychic shield or they might wind up spiraling into a black abyss of isolation and fear.

Some people probably think Amy is cool. They see how she wears a cool thermal undershirt underneath a t-shirt with a ratty collar and ratty cuffs on the short sleeves and whose hair is the color of a not quite ripened plum and whose face is full of piercings who has the cavalier attitude that the world is her own and think, "Yasss! She's my jam! And by jam, I mean the stuff that comes out of my nether regions. Ooh la la!" One of the things I learned in my composition classes at university was that you should always tag sexy statements with emotes like "Ooh la la!" so that readers know that they just read something sexy and it's acceptable to be turned on by it.

Amy also steals sandwiches and crushes on Pomeline. Well, who doesn't? Amy isn't as unique as Amy probably thinks she is! Oh, and she's also moving into Maps's side of the room. I guess Maps has a new cuddle buddy for the semester?

Amy turns out to be a dick. I mean, it was obvious she was a dick in the first scene. But she continues to raise the bar on her dickitude. She tempts Olive with all sorts of chaotic nonsense which Olive falls for because Olive just wants to be free from responsibility. She just wants somebody to tell her what to do. She has a pretty low threshold for falling out of her normal behavior. But that's probably because she recently lost her mother for good and she has no actual home and Kyle won't stop asking if he can fingerbang her even though she's told him repeatedly that Maps does it better. So when somebody comes along and says, "Hey! You should throw a rock through that window and break into a museum!", it's easy to say, "Yeah! Yeah, I should do those things!" Plus if you get caught doing those things, you can always rat out the dick who convinced you to do them and, most of the time, if you were generally a decent person before that and the person you ratted out was known for being a pushy, sandwich stealing, hooligan lesbian with facial piercings and colored hair, everybody will believe you. Then they'll hug you because you were the victim of peer pressure and they will sneer at the dick who forced you to do those things by being too cool to not do the things they told you to do. I mean, why else do people begin smoking?! Because some kid who was way cooler than you were was all, "Hey, smoke this and maybe I'll acknowledge your existence."

I wonder if Amy is just a Tyler Durden figment of Olive's imagination? I hope so! If she is, I hope Olive kisses it!

Oh no! She's destroying art! I hope the people who instantly loved Amy are suddenly upset that Fletcher totally screwed up her character and apparently doesn't really "get" Amy at all!

Olive and Amy run into Eric inside the Wedgwood Museum. You remember Eric, right?! He's the one who does art who is totally in love with Maps but Maps only likes him because he can draw the pictures for her Spells and Serpents characters! For some reason, he has a key to the museum. He also knows all of the secret passages inside it. Especially the secret passage where he jerks off thinking about Maps.

Eric has been following the "Arkham" signs all over the campus which led him to the secret room in the Wedgwood Museum! Of course, the "Arkham" sign is really just a Wayne Manor monogram. It's totally just a "W" on top of an "M" and not an "A" on top of an upside-down "A" because that is stupid. Although it could also be a monogram for Wedgwood Museum! The mystery grows more mysterious!

Amy continues to be a dick. Big old floppy dick. Jerkiest dick in Gotham, really.

Amy runs off with Eric's backpack full of wank material which also contains his inhaler. When Olive and Eric emerge from the museum, they're caught by Mr. Scarlet who is completely understanding because Olive has always been such a good kid. Olive decides not to snitch on Amy because snitches are bitches or something. So Amy gets to continue to go to Gotham Academy so she can be a dick to Kyle and Maps and Pomeline and Coulton too! So awesome!

The next day, Olive discovers Professor MacPherson stood her up the previous night to go out with Bruce Wayne. No wonder Olive's mind created her Amy Durden so that she can allow herself to step outside of society's normal rules! That's also probably why "Amy" slashed the picture of Bruce Wayne!

Mmmm. I bet Isla MacPherson and Bruce Wayne fucked so hard! Ooh la la!

My farts smell like mysteries and coal smoke too!

The Ranking!
+2! First rule of Gotham Academy is I probably shouldn't make sexually explicit statements about the characters because they're all so young and fictional.

The Flash #6

Oh! How come I've never thought of this before? The amount of power The Flash needs to run up a building would absolutely cause him to crash straight through any window he ran across! And most skyscrapers he runs up are all windows! Man. Now the whole superspeed thing is ruined for me.

The Things!
Remember how The Flash used to battle people who threw boomerangs and shot icicles out of guns? Who was the first writer or editor to sit down to work on The Flash and think, "What the fuck are we doing? How are these villains challenging The Flash?! This is fucking ridiculous!" Then they ruined everything and decided Flash should only battle other speedsters and time travelers. At least every now and then back when The Flash was somehow not dodging every boomerang thrown at his head (I guess because he didn't know how they worked and that they came back around after he dodged them!), a writer would at least try to make things plausible by having him fight a psychic ape.

I wonder if this is the issue where we'll discover that August Heart is really Godspeed? Or will the twist be that that totally comic book twist isn't the actual twist? Because that would be a huge surprise! You know, I'm starting to think this story has gone long enough that Williamson realized everybody was going to guess that August Heart was Godspeed and so now Godspeed might wind up being Meena.

The issue begins with Godspeed fucking with some guy because of justice! Hey! Isn't August Heart obsessed with justice?! I wonder if they could be the same person? Probably not, right?! I mean, sometimes plot points that are way too easy to guess are that way so that people will guess them and then the writer can be all, "A-ha! I knew you'd take the cliché bait, you stupid fuckhole! This other thing is what was really going on all along no matter how it doesn't make as much sense as the cliché thing!"

Barry began this story learning, with help from Iris, that one of his major failings was always taking on too much at one time. He never had time for anything because he tried to make time for everything. Having a city full of speedsters to lighten his load solved that problem. But now Godspeed is killing them all and taking their speed so what does Barry do? He spends all of his time trying to solve the case and tell people their loved ones died and work August's brother's murder case all at once! Didn't he learn anything from Iris's advice?! Not that he should have. It was kind of stupid. But thematically, I guess it's appropriate that he's back to where he began? Because he runs so fast he always winds up standing where he started? Or something?

Barry notices that what happened to Meena seems to be the same thing that happened to him during Crisis on Infinite Earths. But that didn't actually happen. I don't think. Did it? I don't know. Whatever.

Godspeed kills again and Barry still has no idea that it's August. I mean, he doesn't know who it is.

Man, I'm really betting the farm that it's August, aren't I?! Well, even if it turns out that it isn't, I'm going to say that it was in these commentaries so that I don't look like a fool.

Ouch! Show some respect!

Barry needs to find out who Godspeed is so he checks with Iris because she's a journalist. Who better to go to than a journalist if you want to discover the truth? That's a joke! The kid who hands you your tacos in the Taco Bell drive-thru probably knows more than most journalists! Well, maybe they don't. But at least I know that the kid in the drive-thru won't be all wishy-washy about her opinions or worry about what Taco Bell management might think of them or worry that something she says might limit her access to other Taco Bell patrons. Iris really must know something because she's already thought up the headline for the story she has yet to write: "MURDER AT S.T.A.R. LABS. WHO IS GODSPEED?" That, my friends, is a shitty fucking headline.

While Barry is asking Iris for help and sort of groping her ass as she hugs him, Wally walks in on them and flips the fuck out. He goes all rabid teenager on Barry and screams at him to solve the crime already. As if Barry isn't trying to do just that! Can't Wally see that Barry's best lead is to read Iris's headline?! Sheesh. Wally runs off crying to find The Flash since Barry can't be dicked to solve the case in the next ten seconds. Lazy fuck.

One of the reason Barry goes to Iris is because he's read all of the evidence over and over and he's super tired of reading it. So he thinks a new set of eyes will discover something. And he's right! Iris finds the name of one of Godspeed's victims that might be a clue to his identity! Not that the name was hidden! But she discovers the person wasn't registered with STAR Labs as a speedster. When Barry looks at the name, he's all, "OH SHIT! Godspeed is August! And, I mean, how come I didn't react to this name before when I read this evidence the other six or seven times I said I read it? Maybe I should really read shit instead of telling people I've already read it. Fucking Wally was right. I'm totally not doing my best to solve this case!" Actually, Barry just looks shocked when he reads the name and says, "...oh no." But that's practically what I said previously.

So Barry catches up with August and is all, "Now I know why you couldn't come up with a code name! It was right there in my stupid CSI face all along! You do have a code name! It's Godspeed! You're Godspeed! I cracked the case!" And August is all, "Let's race!"

No wait. They don't race for some reason I don't understand. That's always the first thing competing speedsters do! They have to wave their big fast dicks at each other to see whose is quicker. Oh wait! They may not race but Godspeed definitely does pull his dick out.

Oh! I'm glad I mentioned that bit about Iris's advice earlier because this revelation sticks to the theme!

Ranking!
0. Usually when I guess something in Issue #1 that won't be revealed until Issue #6, I crow about being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. But the only people who didn't instantly know August Heart was the bad guy on page one of the first issue should simply be embarrassed. I'm still sort of hoping that next issue will reveal that Meena is actually behind it all somehow because this revelation was just pathetic.

Wonder Woman #6

I can't think of anything sexist to say about this cover so I just won't say anything at all.

The Commentary!
The only things I really want to write are angry, venomous things. I want to poke people with word sticks. I want to tell them that they aren't as wise and kind as they think they are. I want to drown them in vile, bitter, crass statements about their parentage. I want to compare them to things they really wouldn't like being compared to! But what would be the point? Everybody is terrible in their own way but the worst people are the ones who tell others how terrible they are. And why would I want to be one of them? I mean, I am one of them! Just ask Cullen Bunn! But that's a special case. I'm usually not like that! And I'm still not like that but he did post a picture of a guy flipping the bird and directed it at me, so fuck him. He gets to be my punching bag. I mean, not really. It's more of an idealized Cullen Bunn who is my punching bag! I don't really care what the real one is up to. I just like having this effigy to kick around every now and then.

Aside from having these angry feelings that I don't really know what to do with, I suppose I have a Wonder Woman comic book to read. Boy, I sure hope Greg Rucka pisses me off somehow!

This issue is about a bunch of birds spying on Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor as they get checked out by the US Government after landing an invisible plane on a crowded beach. Wonder Woman winds up in a jail cell not kicking everybody in the face because she seems to have something called patience. Steve is too busy telling his dead friend's wife that her husband is dead to get Wonder Woman out of prison. The wife, Maya, responds by talking nonsense.

Ugh. In other words, throw more corpses on the pile as you chase some elusive "meaning" to make every new death count for...whatever. How about giving him some dignity by letting his death have meaning in that he died doing what he thought was right? How is that not enough? Why ask Steve and countless others to risk their lives simply so you can have the satisfaction of meaning?

Barbara Ann Minerva comes to visit Wonder Woman because a comic book where nobody understands the main character will quickly grow tiresome. The last thing I need is for this comic book to go the Doctor Fate route where it spends twelve issues with the main character struggling with the whole concept of who he is. I can't read a Wonder Woman comic book where she and Steve just say their names to each other over and over again. So Barbara knows the language of the Amazons and she's able to converse with Wonder Woman. She discovers that Diana was visited by a the Greek Gods the night before and they gave her super powers. She only believes Diana when Diana tears the cell's bars from the floor and ceiling. I guess the next chapter will be twenty pages of Diana taking English classes.

This issue not only proved that Diana is patient and kind, it proved that I am neither of those things. I was bored and angry while reading this. This is the kind of comic book where fans will gush about a few scenes of Nicola's fantastic art which are so super adorable that you can't say a bad word about them. Like when Diana is getting her picture taken with the police officer. Or Diana's face when the god's visit her in the cell. Hell, this entire issue could have just been Nicola's art and Greg Rucka could have fucked the hell off for all I cared. This thing is beautiful. But the story? Totally boring. Unless you love bureaucracy and placing soldiers on pedestals.

Ranking!
+0. Look, I know I'm probably in the minority. I'm sure everybody is jerking themselves off all over Greg Rucka's fantastic run of Wonder Woman. But am I not allowed to be completely wrong about at least one comic book? Can I not have this one to fucking hate no matter how good it might be? It's also possible my mood these days isn't great for my judgment. I think I would have enjoyed this more if Wonder Woman had punched every fucking cop in the face and shit in their hats.

Green Lanterns #6

The Commentary!
Current mood: I hate everybody. EV.ER.EE.BOD.EE.

Mood Friday Night: Drunk and singing Karaoke. That's pretty much the opposite of how I feel right now. And before you think, "Yeah, I get it, Tess! The world is full of pricks and assholes!", realize that you--the person agreeing with me?--I hate you too. Friday night I was singing "Be My Lover" by Alice Cooper and "Shame on You" by the Indigo Girls and "Eastbound and Down" by Jerry Reed and "Randy Scouse Git" by The Monkees and "Don't Let Me Get Me" by Pink. Tonight? Fuck it all. I'm going back into my shell and just read comic books and try to make some stupid jokes. I apologize beforehand to Sam Humphries since a lot of them will probably be at the expense of the work he did. Although, can it really be called work when you're obviously not doing the job you were paid to do? Exhibit A:

I think Sam mixed up the job descriptions of "Comic Book Writer" and "Novelist".

With all of this first person narration, might I suggest possibly going into a Young Adult Novel career path, Sam? When you were scripting this, you did know an artist was going to be doing some of the work for you, right? This feels like I'm reading the novelization of Green Lanterns #6!

I usually hate spoilers but I'm going to count all of the Narration Boxes in this comic book right now even though that means I'll see some images that might spoil the story. Although, will I? Really? From the looks of this page, the story is all in the words! The art is just parsley to make the...you know what? I actually don't know what parsley on a plate of food is for.

Ninety-one Narration Boxes and seventy panels. That ratio is way, way off. But there's good news too! As I was counting the panels and boxes, I noticed after about ten pages, the Narration Boxes mostly stopped for eight pages. Holy shit! Eight pages of Sam Humphries doing the job he was hired to do! I suppose he was also hired to write Narration Boxes. Some people like that shit! Sometimes, people sit down at a steak restaurant and actually say things like, "I would like a steak well done! I would like you to completely ruin the steak you are about to serve me by drying it out completely and making it extra crunchy and tough to chew! Also, could you sprinkle extra parsley around it?"

So the pictures did spoil the story for me! I haven't read the comic book yet but I know Jessica finally makes a construct, Simon breaks his arm in the fight, the teddy bear present is saved, Jessica's sister is safe, the Bohemian Guardian flashes his new Magenta Ring, and Dex-Starr successfully plants the Rage Seed in the Hell Well. So, you know, do I really need to read the comic book now? I figure all that Narration Boxing probably just makes sure I know that Jess sort of overcomes her anxiety to help Simon and Simon sort of overcomes his manliness to accept help, and they begin to trust each other. Right?

How dare you identify with the term "dork" in an adorable way?! You are no dork. You've never been a dork. You've never dealt with being an actual dork. Actual dorks got wedgies. Actual dorks got swirlies. Actual dorks came home from school with busted lips and black eyes and torn clothing on a constant fucking basis. Stop thinking it's so cute to be "such a nerd!" or "a total dork!" or "like, so geeky!" Fuck you.

Some people might be thinking, "How do you know those things never happened to her, Tess?!" Yeah, I don't. But, you know, she's a fictional character so I'm betting she probably did have those experiences, just so it all makes sense. But the thing that nobody really wants to talk about is that being a dork, or a nerd, or a geek isn't really about your hobbies. It isn't about being ostracized by the popular kids because you play Dungeons and Dragons or read science fiction or bury your face in comic books. It's actually about appearance. You're in elementary school or junior high or high school and you're ugly or fat? You're probably going to be picked on incessantly by assholes. But because you were picked on for shit you couldn't change about yourself (and why should you want to, or be constantly told you should want to change anyway?), you escaped from reality however you could. Back when words like dork, nerd, and geek weren't proud labels to wear on your lapel, they read comic books. They played Dungeons and Dragons. They lost themselves in science fiction. They weren't nerds, dorks, and geeks because they liked those things. They liked those things to get away from being constantly aware that everybody fucking hated them based solely on their looks. Can you maybe understand why some dorks, nerds, and geeks are so angry now that their escapes have gone mainstream and everybody has decided they themselves are dorks, nerds, and geeks now? I don't mean they're mad because other people like the shit they like. I mean they're angry because they still get picked on and still don't fit in because of their appearance. And what's worse? If any of them try to express how they feel, they get ridiculed by holier-than-thou assholes and told that they don't have a reason to be hurt or angry.

The inside cover of Chris Ware's Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth has a number of heartbreaking bits that get to the essential core of being a nerd. One of the bits is a questionnaire and begins with "1. You are a. male. b. female. If b, you may stop. Put down your booklet. All others continue." The following goes on to describe in painstaking detail the experience of being a male nerd. Does the first question erase the experience of female nerds? Of course not. Get the fuck out of here. But by including that first question, Chris Ware is speaking to the heart of what it felt like to be a male nerd during a time when nerd hobbies were not mainstream and, I think, is a bit of a prophetic sense of what we have seen in things like Gamer Gate and the Manosphere. In some way, male nerds feel that women can never experience what it feels like to be ostracized by others. In some weird partitioned logic, they somehow think women cannot have had the same experiences that they had when younger. But reading through the rest of the questionnaire in the inside cover of Jimmy Corrigan, nothing stands out as being a purely male experience. Without that first question, the list isn't gendered at all. Here are two examples:

"6. The presence of members of the opposite and/or attractive sex makes you feel
a. weird.
b. awful.
c. terrified.
d. hopeless.
e. like killing yourself.

7. The possibility of finding social and/or personal contact with members of the opposite and/or attractive sex is
a. laughable.
b. incomprehensible.
c. all you ever think about.
d. a, b, and c.
e. a, b, c, and d."

These questions are experiences both unpopular and bullied males and females can identify with. And even though the first question asks females to put down the questionnaire, the questions are still posed in a way that doesn't exclude anyone based on gender. Although, I suppose, the "attractive sex" bit means "female"? And it's totally asked in a heteronormative way! But, you know what, ignore that bullshit. This is about specifics and cries of "erasure" only broaden discussion when sometimes (most of the time?) things need to get specific. Which brings me back to the fucked up angry male nerds who believe they're the only ones who have ever felt the way they've felt. So like the beginning of Chris Ware's quiz which seems to state females won't understand this kind of social isolation, they believe they're still being left behind by a culture that has accepted their escapes but still will not accept them.

Generally, I point out that these angry white males arming themselves for war are idiots who are throwing away the greatest privilege of being a white male. As a white male, you are born, from day one, being nothing but the name given to you by your parents. You are an individual. You don't have to fight for rights. You don't have to answer questions about where you're from. You don't have to worry about being a slut or a prude. You're just fucking you, and that's all. When somebody makes fun of white males or attacks white males, most white males don't think, "Fuck you! You're talking about me, aren't you?!" Most white males think "That's right! White males do do that shit!" without ever thinking they're included in the generalization. Because, even if they are, why should they care?! You're not losing anything by being made fun of! The privilege of being born an individual and only an individual can't be taken away by somebody talking about a group of people which--Hey!--you happen to be part of. Angry white males are idiots throwing away the greatest gift they were ever given: the right to not give a shit what anybody says about white males!

Generally, I point out those things. Generally. But sometimes, I empathize with those white males. Sometimes I think it's strange that suddenly white males can't have emotional problems where they express how they've been shit on simply because white males aren't allowed to feel powerless and hurt and upset. At least, not as a group. Which I totally agree with! But when a white male, as an individual, tries to express any of their loneliness or isolation or anger at the way they've been treated--again, as an individual!--they're shit on and ridiculed and told they aren't allowed to feel those things. Because, you know, that's a cool thing to do to a person.

I know, I know. Everybody lacking reading comprehension and wanting to scream about their own issues can just reply "man tears" to this post. Like I fucking care! You think I feel emotions?! Fuck that. Life crushed the emotions out of me by the time I was thirty-five. And, when you get right down to it, I don't actually give a shit how badly white male nerds are treated. I've been to Magic the Gathering Tournaments. Most of those guys are dicks.

Oh! That was a joke with a lot of truth behind it but it sort of makes the point I was going for in a weird way. There was this one guy who I played in a tournament who I knew from a sealed deck league that I used to play in the back of a comic book shop in Campbell, California. I was in my early twenties at the time and he must have been in his forties, maybe older. He was fat, balding, and had a goofy eye that stared in the other direction. He carried a briefcase full of Magic cards. He was the kind of guy who probably would read the inside cover of Jimmy Corrigan and weep uncontrollably. He was a nerd. A dork. A geek. And I fucking loved this guy. He was nice. He was generous. He was fun to play. He was interested when you played combinations he never would have considered. We just happened to draw against each other in the first round at a tournament in San Jose. I beat him with one of my weird, no creature decks and he was polite and cool and wished me luck in the rest of the tournament. He's one of the guys who I empathize with, caught up in what is a predominantly white male nerd outlet full of aggressive, sexist assholes who would cheat in every game they played if given the chance.

Ugh. Anyway. Enough about white males. Fuck those guys, amirite?!

So, back to the Green Lanterns...hey! Look! Jessica Cruz overcomes her anxiety and saves Simon's life! What a surprise!

Good cat! I can't not scan a picture of Dex-Starr being a good cat! Aww! Destroy the world like a good kitty! Who's a big man?! Yes, yes. Who's a big man?!

Jess destroys the Hell Well but not before Dex-Starr plants the rage seed. So Red Dawn will continue as planned as Simon and Jess bond over Jessica's newfound ability to make constructs. I mean, she only made like this flowery thing which any preschooler probably could have made. But it was enough to let the Green Lanterns think they saved the Earth!

Simon and Jessica hug which, I think, means they're forming a cohesive unit now. This is also about the time the Narration Boxes end! Because they don't have to think separate thoughts now. They're united! Let's give Sam Humphries the credit for that being the way the narrative was designed, shall we? Let's not pretend it's just something I observed and made more out of than it actually is. He's a professional writer! This is the kind of thing they do! Okay, yes. I'm more than a professional comic book reader. I'm a Grandmaster! But that doesn't mean what I read into a book is more than what is actually there! That would be insulting to Sam! And I'm not reading comic books to be insulting to Sam Humphries! I read comic books to be insulting to Cullen Bunn!

That would actually be a pretty small pizza.

The part without Narration Boxes? The part where Simon and Jessica become friendly towards each other? I like that part! A lot! I like it as much as I hate the parts that are all Narration! You know what? I think I like it more! That might mean this comic could get a positive ranking before I'm done! As long as Sam Humphries doesn't do something that I'm totally biased against before this ends.

Simon and Jess head back to Simon's sister's place to deliver his nephews present and run into the Bohemain Guardian. This Guardian isn't actually one of the Bohemian Guardians from the last Green Lantern run. This guy is even more bohemian than they were! He's so bohemian he's rogue! He's Rami the Rogue Guardian! You thought the Qwardians were insane?! Well, they've got nothing on Rami! He did what even they couldn't do! What's that?! Um, uh, just a second while I turn the page to find out!

Oh. Is that all? Who fucking cares?!

I still think it would have been better if it were the Magenta Ring and could only be used by little girls. But a ring anybody can use? Is that really so different from every other Spectrum Ring in existence? It doesn't really sound that special. I mean, if G'nort can wield a green ring, who can't wield one?!

The epilogue to "Rage Planet" has Bleez thinking about how she can't let Atrocitus know how much she wants to be free from Red Lanterning while Atrocitus thinks, "There's something different about Bleez!" Because, God forbid, a character ever keep anything secret from another character. It's like taking Stan Lee's theory about fights ending in a draw to its extreme. Bleez needs to fool Atrocitus! But Atrocitus can't be written as being fooled by anybody so he has to show, through Narration Boxing, that he has his doubts about the person lying to him! Ugh.

Meanwhile, a new Red Entity is incubating inside the Earth. When it's time to have a big crossover event, it will be born and Red Dawn will be splashed across the covers of all of the Green Lantern comic books (and maybe more, if the Green Lanterns editor gives out enough handjobs and fingerbangs to the other editors).

The Ranking!
+1. But it's a tentative plus one! That's why I used a period! Oh, and also? I think I'm over hating everybody. Reading comic books for the win!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #4

Good thing I know this comic book will never be valuable or I'd be pissed that my comic book store sold me one with a tear on the cover.

The Review!
John Stewart used to be one of my favorite Green Lanterns. But now he's just a stereotype of a Marine. If something from his past informs one of his decisions, you can bet it will now be something from his time in the military. It's not like he had a life other than the few years he spent in the military. None of that shit matters. I guess at least he's not completely second guessing every single one of his decisions because every time he makes a decision, somebody (or whole planets) die. I think I disliked that John Stewart even more than the one that only seems to have military life in his past. The John Stewart I liked was the one who used his brains to solve problems. Hal used his will. Guy used his bravado. And John used his brains. Now, John uses the shit he learned in the military. Ugh. I'm so sick of this John.

Anyway, that was just the end of this issue. John is all, "My military training is telling me to do this one thing. Although my time as a Marine is telling me to do this other thing!" He eventually settles on doing the thing he learned as a Marine while in the military. Um, but like I said, that was just the end of the issue! Some other stuff happens as well.

Soranik cuts open Hal Jordan for some reason. It's possible she was super horny and knew Earthlings sometimes did this thing called "Playing Doctor" and she fucked it all up. I mean, it might have made her come but I don't think Hal particularly enjoyed it. I don't know why else she would have cut him open. Maybe she took out his Fear Gland?

Guy Gardner has been captured and is now hanging out with Sinestro and Administer Lash. He's naked and getting drunk. I think Guy's attitude is probably why Sinestro can't put him in the Fear Machine. Guy might break it with his cynicism and his naked dong.

Personally, I don't understand what motivates Sinestro. Why does he want to bring order to the universe? Isn't the universe already ordered in its own way? I suppose I've just never understood the need to control my environment and the people around me. I'm the kind of person who can take a hit of LSD while walking around a crowded amusement park and have the time of my life. Control? Fuck control. Just let life wash over me and I'm satisfied with whatever happens. I mean, as long as I don't die or get injured or don't go without getting laid for too long. The only time I get upset that the world around me isn't doing what I expect it to do is when technology decides it doesn't want to submit to my will anymore. Hey, you stupid near-robot machines! Who fucking programmed you?! Us humans! Get it through your microprocessor already! I'm the boss! When I say "Print," you say "How high?!" You don't say, "Cannot find printer." You do not say, forever, "Job spooling." You do not leave me in a limbo where I wait for Goddamned ever while the printed piece of paper I asked for never fucking appears! I will throw you through the wall, you hunk of junk!

Hmm, maybe I should project my feelings when my laptop won't wirelessly communicate with my printer onto Sinestro and just realize that's the kind of frustration he deals with on a constant basis when the universe and the people in it don't act exactly how he expects them to act. I think maybe I understand him now! Boy, what a dick. I know I hate myself when I get pissed at technology. Usually because I wind up nearly breaking a foot on a file cabinet. I should probably hang a punching bag by the printer to save me from self-inflicted injuries.

Ranking!
0. This issue felt really light on plot developments. It felt less like the story advanced and more like a bunch of people eventually reached a decision due to events from last issue. This was kind of a characters stroking their chins issue. Plus Guy was naked. I didn't need to see that.

New Super-man #3

In China, Dragons aren't mythological creatures of wonder. They're fucking pests.

The Review!
I haven't read this issue yet but based on how much joy Issues #1 and #2 gave me, I'm just going to go ahead and say this issue was also terrific. If you aren't buying New Super-man, you have made a poor decision in your life. Not quite as poor a decision as letting your first boyfriend touch you under the underwear. Although that's probably always going to be a poor decision and just something you need to get out of the way so you can have the confidence to approach the boy you really want to be touching you under the underwear. Sometimes it's just best to have a close friend be the first and call it "Playing Doctor" for some reason. If that's what you think doctors do, I have news for you: you were molested in the doctor's office.

The Non-Comic Book Stuff
I just got done watching the finale of Big Brother and I'm going to spoil it for you if you haven't watched it yet. Nicole won. I'm super happy about Nicole winning not just because I think she's fucking adorable and a kick ass snake. I also think it's important that she beat a man in a vote by her peers. One of the huge problems with Big Brother is when the final two contestants are a man and a woman. The game is complex and takes a lot of skills to successfully navigate to the end. Women and men generally have different ways of doing this which winds up being a problem because the way men win at the game is perceived as the "right" way to win a competitive game and the work a woman does is usually downplayed. I'm glad a jury finally didn't automatically assume the guy played harder and took more chances.

On the way to the comic book store, I was listening to my Shuffle and I made note of these lyrics that I really loved by the Indigo Girls in "All That We Let In": "Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up". That's...that's just a great fucking line. Another line I love that I heard today was this one from Frank Black and the Catholics "All My Ghosts": "If I could live to be several hundred. I could take a walk and really wander, really wander." It's a bit of what I was getting at in a previous commentary about how I'm nostalgic for my twenties. If we could live longer, we could really fucking take some shit in without feeling rushed. That's how my twenties felt. Like I could live to be several hundred. And what did I do during those year? I really wandered. I really fucking wandered. Part of where I wandered was China and New Super-man takes place in China and that's the segue, folks!

The Commentary!
At the end of the last issue, Kenan revealed he was New Super-man on Chinese national news. Since it's a communist country, that probably means they don't have live television, right? Doesn't that shit have to be censored before the masses are ready for it? Maybe China isn't that communist. When I was there, I even went to places they called Free Markets. Unless, and I don't want this to sound racist but it's just the facts of how things went, they were saying "Flea Market". You can see how maybe the Chinese think America is a shithole when we brag about our Flea Market society, right?! Again, that's not racist! It's just the way words and accents work! I was there! I heard people describe a place that looked like a flea market as a free market and I didn't know which they were actually saying it was! I also saw row after row of dog and cat skins hanging from bars so if you want to get mad at anybody, get mad a culture that thinks that's okay!

Why do Laney's cheeks need glasses?

Kenan also announces on live television that he leads The Justice League of China. I bet the Chinese government really wished they had some kind of delay on live television now, don't they?! Because calling your superhero group "The Justice League" is sure to bring unwanted American attention to your country. Batman is probably already trying to invest! Oh wait. That's an example of wanted attention! Unwanted attention would be like some guy across the subway trying to look up your skirt. I mean, if the guy wasn't totally cute and shit and you weren't trying to let him get a peek. I don't want to assume anything of the imaginary people I just put into an imaginary situation that doesn't mean anything at all to anybody!

One group that gets a bit pissed at the Justice League of China thing is The Great Ten. They're all, "Whoa whoa whoa! Nobody is going to Peking pay attention to us now! I mean Beijing pay attention to us now! Although that doesn't quite sound sweary enough without the hard 'K' sound."

Laney Lan is so freaking cute that I'm forgetting all of the other comic book females I've had crushes on. I mean, seriously, I can't remember any of them! Not even Vampire Tig!

Hee hee! He called him "Tubby"!

I think if you're on a superhero team with a tubby person, you're allowed to call them Tubby. It's either that or give them the nickname "Tiny" which really isn't any different from constantly reminding them that they're actually big fatties. Seems rude!

There's actually a lot of name calling in this comic book which I find refreshing. I've had it up to my eyeballs with people declaring that they'd rather be kind than smart and then go on to prove, with their actions and Twitter feeds, that they aren't kind at all! And hardly ever smart anyway (which is probably why they desperately want to be seen as kind! It's nice to think, "I can't think of anything witty to say to smart alecks so I'm going to declare I'm kind and don't want to be smart if it means being witty!")! I'm glad to see people who don't really like each other actually calling each other dope and tubby and doof and moron!

Meanwhile, Kenan's dad's Book Club is all, "We have to finish our books now! That's code, remember? We aren't actually a book club! We're revolutionaries!" I read a bit of a book today when I was eating lunch at Hot Lips pizza. They had the book of Pippin in their little library and I read the chapter with the grandmother who was played by Irene Ryan in the original version. That's Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies for young people who don't know about geniuses before their time. Every few months, I wind up on Youtube just to hear her live performance of "No Time At All". It's fucking great. Do yourself a favor. You can also watch the Martha Raye clip if you want to see it performed and have better audio quality. But, come on, Granny!

Bat-man and the others take Sunbeam to The Crab Shell, an underwater prison to house criminal meta-humans. I hope the warden is Chinese Aqua-man! That sounds like an Aqua-man I can get behind. Not in a gay way!

One of the villains in the prison is another Super-man! This must not only be a place where they keep criminals but also dissidents, troublemakers, and super powered experiments that went wrong! Also aliens! Because Starro is in The Crab Shell! I can't believe it! Starro! I bet he's being experimented on to figure out how to create mass mind control to keep the public from enjoying Western and democratic ideas.

Later, after Dr. Omen yells at and punishes Kenan with some kind of Kryptonite Spray Gun, Deilan (Wonder-Woman!) decides to give Kenan a chance and has a cute conversation with him.

Oh man. If Wonder-Woman calls him dummy one more time, I might forget about Laney Lan completely.

Bat-man joins them and lets them in on some detective work he's been doing. By checking out the previous two people almost kidnapped by supervillains, he has figured out who will be next. He has also determined that the victims are all private investors in The Ministry of Self-Reliance. That's ironic, amirite?! Anyway, the three decide to do some private investigations without telling Doctor Omen because the stuff they're investigating is stuff that Doctor Omen obviously doesn't want them knowing. It looks like The Justice League of China has already gone off the communist rails!

Dr. Zheng, the third investor that Bat-man has decided will be the next victim, has also realized that he's probably the next victim. So he's ready when three people with super powers show up at his door. He unleashes a water hydra on them! That's the worst kind! Water hyrdras are almost always deadly poisonous! Or so I've heard. Or possibly made up in my head after reading three paragraphs in a fifties encyclopedia on cottonmouths.

And then it happens. The panel which put the third exclamation point on the statement "I love this comic book!!" Three is the most you can have as an adult. As a teenager, you can use as many as you want because you don't know any better. But as an adult? Three exclamation points are permitted for things that are super duper cool. And this comic book, due to the following panel, has just exceeded super duper cool status.

It's almost as if this comic book were written for an audience of me!

I want to take a moment to say the use of dialogue and Narration Boxes in this comic book is a good mix. The dialogue is all well done and sounds like some young adults getting to know each other. And the Narration Boxes? They're just the right amount of letting the reader inside Kenan's head. Especially when you have a character who is, like Kenan, a bit of a dick. We need to see a little bit more humanity than he might overtly show to his comrades. We also, at times, need to see a little bit more of how much of a dick he is but which he chooses not to share with his comrades. But the bottom line? This is just really well-written shit. And I love the art, too. It fits the content perfectly.

That should be part of the review part, right?! Bah! I don't have an editor telling me how to "improve" things and, in the end, just destroying my soul. So fuck it! It stays where it is!

The water hydra isn't any simple, regular, run-of-the-mill water hydra. It's actually Xiangliu, a serpent older than civilization! Um, what the fuck is a marine biologist doing with it?

While the Justice League of China defeat Xiangliu, The Freedom Fighters of China grab Doctor Zheng. And by "Freedom Fighters of China," I mean "Book Club of China," right? Probably? The members of the Freedom Fighters are Blue Condor, Flying Dragon General, and Ghost Woman. The issue ends with them threatening to suffocate Super-man with Blue Condor's powers if they don't let them go with Zheng. What do they want with Zheng? I'm sure he hasn't read the book they're currently discussing!

Ranking!
+3!!! Because this is my favorite Rebirth title so far!