New Titans #93 (December 1992)

I’m not sure why this is the final issue of “Titans $ell-out” because nothing is really resolved. The Titans are getting royalty checks and fan mail and have just moved on with their lives. Leonid is about to take Cyborg back to Russia to finally get him that exciting personality he’s been missing for so long (spoiler alert: he has yet to find one) but that’s about all that happens, plotwise. The main point of this issue is the Starfire centerfold inserted into it for all the young males and lesbians to jerk off to. But it was really Mirage, so don’t think Starfire has become a total cumdumpster just yet! That doesn’t happen until The New 52's Red Hood and the Outlaws #1. Not that being a cumdumpster is a bad thing! I’m not judging! How can I judge when I’m a filler of cumdumpsters? One could do worse than be a filler of cumdumpsters! That’s Frost again!

Judging by the amount of boners Changeling pops in this issue, Mirage as Starfire poses for some pretty nasty pictures in this magazine. I should probably post the centerfold, right? For, you know, feminist research purposes!

Why doesn't she have super long pubes?

Also in this issue: another terrible Teeny Titans cartoon.

I feel like this is the first issue Jon Peterson was definitely sacked from and Marv Wolfman was allowed to take control again. Mostly because we’re headed back into Marv Wolfman territory. He’s planning on reestablishing Cyborg as a character instead of a leashed, non-threatening, defanged . . . um, I don’t like where this is going. Plus Phantasm winds up back in Azaroth where he’s destroyed by some creature with whom he’s familiar. So whoever that is, it’s definitely going to be a character Marv Wolfman thought was taken away from him by editorial and he wants that character back. So it’s probably Joseph but I suppose it could be the person the comic book wants you to think it is: Trigon! Or maybe Raven housing Trigon’s soul and sucking on Joseph Wilson’s, um, sideburns?

Maybe this whole batch of “sell-out” themed issues was just Marv Wolfman’s reaction to Jon Peterson’s attempt to simply turn DC’s Teen Titans into an clone of the X-men? So he concocted this whole Sell-out thing as a fuck you to Peterson on his way out. “Thanks for fucking up my comic book, asshole! Now I’m going to make Changeling call a couple of women ‘sloppy seconds’! Try and stop me now, asshole!”

I embrace my vulgar, low brow humor and even I wouldn't call a woman "sloppy seconds." Cumdumpster, sure! But sloppy seconds? So uncouth!

Abra Kadabra! (as seen in Titans #1)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Former Stage Magician, now Professional Criminal [Really? Now? As if it isn't a crime already to pay people to watch magic.]
Marital Status: Unknown [Come on! He's a magician! Obviously unmarried. And a virgin.]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: 20th and 64th Century Earth [He might have the biggest base yet!]
First Appearance: FLASH #128
Height: 6'6" Weight: 195 lbs.
Eyes: [Magical! Um, I mean] Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
Frustrated by a lack of audience acceptance in his native 64th Century, since the superscience of that time made his magic tricks commonplce, Kadabra stole an experimental time machine and journeyed to the 20th Century to become a star. After failing to attract an audience in the traditional manner [Annoy the fuck out of people on the street until you can get a membership to the Magic Castle?], Kadabra used his futuristic scientific knowledge to commit a series of daring robberies [So instead of using his knowledge of futuristic science to perform what our limited knowledge would think of as magic, or instead of using his knowledge of futuristic science to patent a shipload of technology that could help the world, he uses his knowledge of futuristic science to rob convenience stores?], forcing his victims to applaud his criminal actions [Oh, okay. I get it now. Totally makes sense.], thus providing Kadabra with the acclaim he so desperately craved. Originally, Kadabra stole merely to gain attention [but now he needs to pay rent and shit too?], but he now devotes much of his time attempting to gain vengeance on his archenemy, the modern (Barry Allen) Flash (see The Flash).

POWERS & WEAPONS
Kadabra uses 64th Century science, specifically in the areas of teleportation, telepathy, and telekinesis, the science of the mind over matter [Or, you know, bullshit.], to perform acts which seem truly magical. He often channels his powers through a slim magic wand, but this is merely an affectation [Hipster!] and is not necessary. Kadabra's forte appears to be effecting bizarre physical transformations on his foes (i.e., turning The Flash into a living wooden puppet).

Clock King! (as seen in Deathstroke Rebirth #1)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: William Tockman
Occupation: Former Clock Repairman, now Professional Criminal [Because apparently, hee hee hee, time isn't actually money! Hee hee hee.]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Beverly Tockman (sister, deceased [She ran out of time! Hee hee!]
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Star City
First Appearance: WORLD'S FINEST COMICS #111
Height: 5'10" Weight: 173 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
Told by a doctor he had only six months left to live, William Tockman became distraught, worrying about who would take care of his invalid sister after his death. Refusing to have his sister turned over to a state nursing home, yet having no insurance [Which is probably the main reason for not putting her in a nursing home. Although I guess in 1985, the state still operated a few of these generally horrible places.] or savings of his own, Tockman decided to turn to crime to provide money for his sister's future, reasoning that even if he was [Were!] caught, he'd never live long enough to serve any time. Since time was running out for him [And his sister! Although let me guess: he's accidentally responsible for her death! I hope that wasn't a spoiler!], Tockman was determined to make use of every second. Taking the clock, the symbol of time [Holy shit, that's deep!], as his own symbol [and face], Tockman used his expert knowledge of clocks to become the Clock King. [That revelation didn't even warrant an exclamation mark. Seems about right.]

The Clock King's series of time-related crimes quickly brought him to the attention of Star City's resident crimebusters, the Green Arrow and Speedy (see individual listings), and after a series of dangerous encounters, the Ace Archers [That's just...terrible.] finally defeated the Clock King [This makes it sound like it was difficult! You'd think one of the few things arrows wouldn't be outmatched by is a clock!] and turned him over to the authorities [As opposed to putting him in Arrow Jail? Or, you know, a grave?].

While in prison awaiting trial, Tockman suffered the ultimate irony when he learned that he wasn't dying after all [Why wasn't this in Alanis's song? "Thrown in jail for life and found you weren't gonna die! Wanted dessert but all they had was a pie!" I know that's not ironic but what the fuck else in that song is anyway?]; his doctor had accidentally switched Tockman's lab reports with those of another patient [So Tockman got the money he needed after all in the malpractice suit that followed, right? Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Maybe? You know? A little bit?]. Since Tockman was no longer free to care for his invalid sister, she was placed in a state nursing home where she eventually succumbed to her illness. Tormented by his sister's death, Tockman swore to avenge himself on his incompetent doctor and the Green Arrow, and he has escaped from prison several times over the years in a vain attempt to carry out his threat.

At this writing the Clock King is serving a life term at a state penitentiary [Or, you know, dying in Africa. Whatever.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
An average athlete and hand-to-hand combatant, the Clock King prefers to use his devious mind to accomplish his goals, all based on his predilection for clocks and time. He has no special weapons or powers [or any interesting traits or any personality to speak of whatsoever.].

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Boomerang #1

I'm sad that DC has decided to lose Captain Boomerang's rank. Now he's just a normal, civilian shlub like the Marvel version.

The Commentary on El Diablo!!
Hopefully these Suicide Squad Most Wanted books won't just be about the members of the team who have plot immunity to death. I mean, I know El Diablo died recently and then died in the movie as well, but he's the kind of guy who will almost certainly escape from Hell to return as a bigger bad-ass than before. But this is where comic book companies don't think enough outside of the box because their main goal seems to be creating a character popular enough to sell a book no matter how shitty it is written. But they have an opportunity here to have a really exciting story about a villain who gets caught up in crime way over his or her head, winds up in Belle Reve, and thinks maybe he or she can take the chance to join the Squad and turn his or her life around. It could be a real tragedy where we learn all about the villain's humanity and missteps and his or her chance at redemption. And then he or she could die. And I don't think he or she should die heroically but cowardly and unredeemed and in a way that shows the character we have been conditioned to root for actually was a complete piece of garbage all along.

Maybe that'll be El Diablo's story!

Here's how the story begins! Guess who's going to die!

Zoomax doesn't die yet! That would be a waste of a character with a stupid name! I'm sure he'll be a thorn in El Diablo's side which will be his downfall because this isn't Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Zoomax and Boomerang #1. Although if it were, I might be more excited about it! Who is Zoomax?! He's bound to die, right? I'm so nervous! But since his name isn't on the cover, I'm not nervous at all and I know he's going to die. Although I'm still curious about who he is. Maybe.

The chaplain at Belle Reve tells El Diablo that God is pleased by the works El Diablo is doing for the greater good. How the fuck does he know?! If he's heard from God, he's crazy and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near these convicts. If he isn't crazy then he hasn't heard from God and he's sinning just by presuming to know the will of God! The chaplain tells El Diablo that he can leave Belle Reve at any time. I don't know why he says this without checking with Amanda Waller first. Does this chaplain think he can go over her head? Maybe he's going to be the one who dies. Probably at El Diablo's hands.

Amanda Waller, of course, denies El Diablo his request to be sent home. Since she has all the power, she offers El Diablo the choice to remain locked up or to go on one last mission. Of course if she has all the power, where's the guarantee that the one last mission will be the one last mission? I mean, aside from the guarantee that everybody on the mission will die! That's probably the only way Amanda will let El Diablo go. And it seems like the choice she's making because she's sending him to lead a team of new recruits who have less discipline than Captain Boomerang.

Amanda sends in the team El Diablo would have been leading to beat his ass. A guy named Behemoth and a guy named Leviathan. El Diablo is only saved by the interference of an agent from Checkmate come to pull him out for one of their missions.

El Diablo on the Freedom Fighters? Why not? They need somebody to light the fireworks.

El Diablo is offered the chance to join Checkmate or to just go home. The issue is called "Home Again" so I bet he chooses home and plays Xbox for the next five issues. Or maybe he'll go home and change his mind when he realizes there aren't any real great opportunities with a record and face tattoos. In any event, if he joins Checkmate, he gets to pretend he's doing something good when in reality he'll be just another cog in systemic oppression!

El Diablo does choose to go free. But he'll be back when he realizes his life is shit and nobody really wants him around!

Especially this guy: Bloodletter! Does that mean he writes letters in blood?

Bloodletter is protecting the neighborhood for a fee. But he's the guy everybody needs protecting from! So I would say he's not earning his money. Also, I think he's a Twi'lek. It doesn't really matter because he's soon dead.

No, Bloodletter lives to write more letters in blood another day. But he is thrown in prison by Checkmate (probably Belle Reve, right?!) and El Diablo finally accepts their offer because he burned his aunt and uncle's home down, and nobody else wanted to see him. Poor baby.

The El Diablo Review!
I like the introduction of Checkmate, especially since El Diablo will eventually see they're just as bad as Amanda Waller but in their own way. I'm sure however his time ends with them (probably piss of Uncle Sam by burning his beard away), he'll be sent back to Amanda at Belle Reve. But this time he'll probably be there for a few consecutive life sentences, just to show him that he's powerless against the system and that he shouldn't have deigned to hope he could have a good life. At least, I kind of hope it's a sad ending. I need some sad endings in my life sometimes. I'm sick of everything always having to work out! And if things work out even for characters in the Suicide Squad, where am I supposed to get my depressing fiction? Indie comics?!

The Commentary on Captain Boomerang!
John Ostrander made Captain Boomerang one of my all time favorite characters. When I threw my first gaming convention, I really wanted to be Captain Boomerang for the Saturday Night Costume Party. But since I really didn't want to try to keep up a terrible Australian accent all night, I went with my second favorite, Captain Cold. That probably worked out better because I was able to decorate the house like an ice cave. I'm not sure what I would have done for a Captain Boomerang headquarters. Litter the floor with crumpled cans of Fosters? It's Australian for beer, Mate!

This story is called "What Comes Around Goes Around" and, I mean, come on! That's clever, right?! It's so clever that it's probably been used before! The real example of clever is finding something to say that is just a few steps off the beaten path. You don't want to get too far from the path or people will get completely lost by your cleverness and then it's not really clever. At that point, it's probably genius. But you don't want genius when we're talking comic books! Ain't a lot of genii reading comic books! That's the plural of genius, right? If not, my point still stands because I doubt there's even on genie reading comic books. So no way will there be two! You can find something to say that's on the same path as everybody else and still be clever, of course. But that kind of clever is a bit too broad for my liking. That's the kind of clever that makes not-that-clever-but-almost-clever people say things like, "Oh! I wish I thought of that!" Or they'll even nod to their boyfriend and say, "I was just saying that last night! Wasn't I just saying that last night?!" That kind of clever isn't for me! Come to think of it, the just a few steps of the beaten path clever isn't really for me either. I like to find my clever deep in the tangles of blackberry bushes where people think, "Why the fuck is he wading through that shit? He's an idiot, right?" Or am I a genius?! I'll let time and my grandmother determine that!

Boomerang has wandered away from the rest of the Squad to have a beer so Deadshot says one of those right-in-the-middle-of-the-path clever things I was talking about. Basically he's all, "If you're not dead, I'll kill you myself!" But he won't. Unless somebody pays him scads and scads of cash to do so. I'm really getting a lot of use out of "scads" lately! I'm using it like a two-bit whore who I've told "No suck just fuck!" so that I can actually get me some penetration action! Actually, what I was going to say before I thought up the on-the-path cleverness of comparing something to a whore--total mainstream bro humor, dude!--I was going to say you'd think I was renting the word and trying to get as many uses out of it as possible before I had to take it back to that librarian who wasn't very sexy, what with the ponytail and glasses and huge fucking warts and all.

The Squad (consisting of Flag, Deadshot, Harley, Killer Croc, Boomerang, and Katana) is after somebody named El Jaguar.

I'm glad Harley chooses to strike sexy poses while battling. As a male, I wouldn't be able to get through twenty pages of comic books if I couldn't pop at least a couple of boners.

Harley looking like she's casually crowdsurfing while spilling her guts to a psychotherapist (Psycho the Rapist! Fitting? Probably. Fucking mind rapers!) is actually pretty realistic if you think about it. I mean, if you think about it compared to this bit where Boomerang saves Deadshot's life:

I don't know what kind of frictionless grip this guy has but I can guarantee you he's never pleased himself or another man in his entire life.

When I criticize something, you don't have to automatically assume I didn't like what I criticized. That's just making asses out of yourself and yourself when you think of yourself as me. Leave me out of your assuming, is what I'm saying. What I'm also saying is, why are there so many blackberry brambles out here? I mean, what I'm also saying is I totally thought that bit with the boomerang knocking the gun around was super cool! Totally don't care if it's ridiculous because I'm sure in the right circumstances, it could totally happen. Also a woman could fall in a vat of chemicals that bleach her skin white and she doesn't die and a katana exists that can suck the souls of those it kills. Comic books are the best!

Plus, whenever I read a passage that destroys all the credulity in the universe, I just remember that I once read a comic book where Dick Grayson rides a motorcycle up the side of a skyscraper.

The Squad is overrun by metahumans they weren't expecting and Waller calls for their retreat. Did she forget about the "suicide" in "Task Force X"? Oh wait. Okay, I get it. Um, she sends El Diablo in a helicopter to pull the other jerks out of the jerkfire. He's all, "Checkmate is the best, motherfuckers!"

I wonder if Deadshot has ever missed a shot because he was rolling his eyes at something Boomerang or Harley said? I know I rolled my eyes for two weeks straight when Harley Quinn called her vagina a clown car way back in an early New 52 issue of Suicide Squad. I also jerked off thinking about it. So much seltzer water!

I wish Bronze Tiger were part of this team again. Why couldn't he have been in the movie?

The Squad escapes but they forget to pack Boomerang up on the helicopter. Now he's stuck on El Jaguar's turf until the team comes back to finish the mission. Or until they come back to find Digger has finished the mission for them.

I love you, Digger Harkness.

I liked the line in the previous panel but that was before Digger said in a panel to follow, "What you people--Mexicans or Mexican'ts?" Of course, they're South American. I think that means they're not Mexican? I don't know why the little lady who tells Boomer they're South Americans isn't all, "We're Chilean!" or "We're Brazilian!" or "We're, um, one of the other countries! Argentinian, I think!"

Instead she's all, "Check out my belly in this belly shirt while I do equations on this calculator, yo!"

I like his sorta-racist attitude! It's funny! Don't get me wrong! I'm not racist but seeing Digger act racist when he desperately needs help because he doesn't know how to be anything but who he is is funny! I'm totally not the kind of person to laugh at jokes about black guys having penises as big as bread boxes. At least not when there are any holier-than-thou jerkos in earshot!

One other thing I love about Digger that I can't not mention. He's got some great looking boots. I'd suck a pretty big dick for boots like that. Who wouldn't? That's like a win/win situation!

Boomerang is captured by a few of El Jaguar's metahuman thugs but not before putting up a fight that makes me proud to call Digger my favorite. He also stumbles upon the fact that these metahumans are under some kind of mind control due to the armor they're wearing. But, anyway, like I said, he's captured. And he's about to die when Calculator Girl saves the day! Actually, her name is Breaker and she does this thing where she...well she kind of...I mean her body goes all...oh, just read the stupid comic book. Or look up Breaker on the Internet!

For saving Boomerang's life, she expects him to help her kill El Jaguar. It seems he has some kind of Nowhere program going on and Breaker is the South American Red Robin trying to save all of the children.

The Captain Boomerang Review!
This was a good comic of goodness. It was so good and exciting. It was full of goods. If you like good things, you will like the Boomerang half of this comic book. And you might like the El Diablo half too! But how should I know? It's not like you're me! You're probably the opposite of me. You might be one of those people who make sour faces at vaguely racist jokes even when they're made by amoral characters who are just too ignorant to know anybody. You might be one of those people who say really stupid things like, "Saying it's the character is no defense for a writer because the writer had a choice to not make that character a total jerk! Why can't writers make all the characters awesome? Just make some of them bad awesome but they still know better than to say the T-slur or the Q-insult or the F-bomber!" If you are, you might like this comic book in a secret way! The kind of way where you're titillated a little bit at the badness of it but if it were a Tumblr post, you would never "like" it because one of your more-holier-than-even-you friends might notice and call you out on it and call you problematic or--even worse!--gross! But, I mean, this was good, so you'll probably like it even if you are a better citizen than I am!

Earth Too: Society #15

Everything on this cover pales in comparison to the name "von Grawbadger".

The Review!
This comic book has done so many about faces that I'm throwing up. First the world is going to be terraformed. Then it's not. Now it is again. First Green Lantern doesn't want to help the world. Then he does. Then he gives up his ring. Then he gets it back. First Dick loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid! I haven't checked but I don't think I'm exaggerating on the amount of times he found and lost his kid. Anyway, the book should be over soon and Earth-Too should once again be Earth-2! I hope. I've definitely had enough of this broken planet full of paranoid assholes who won't even try to use solar power. I'm also sick of the people on the planet in the comic book!

The Commentary!
Last issue, two major plot developments took place. First, Dick Grayson finally found his son. Second, everybody decided to start calling the Pandora Vessel "The Pandora Casket". Both revelations rocked the foundations of what comic books could be! Who knew you could just start referring to something as something completely different! But Dan Abnett thinks outside of the box, or the vessel, or the casket...whatever! He decided to look continuity straight in the eye and say, "Not today!" Or maybe he just forgot what he had been calling it and his editors were just phoning it in at this point because who cares about a non-Rebirth book at this point? Also, and this is a controversial position, maybe switching "vessel" to "casket" isn't as big a deal to Continuity Nerds as I would have expected. But this is a serious change of characterization of Pandora's Whatever! Vessels and Caskets aren't generally used to hold the same types of things! Which, now that I think about it, is probably why Abnett changed it to a casket. Vessel seems to describe it's purpose, to house and transport the souls of another world (which I totally imagine as a soupy liquid, another thing a vessel would hold!). But a casket seems to describe its superficial look. It's a small, ornamental box. Although a casket is also used to hold precious things, so I guess...what the fuck am I talking about?! Obviously the most important thing to happen was Dick Grayson finally reuniting with his kid!

Ultra-Humanite has convinced Dick's kid that he's his ape-father. But Dick's kid, John, remembers what his dad looks like and that he's not a monkey of any kind (unless you believe in that gobbledygook evolution crap!). Now John has two dads and not in the way most Americans have two dads. You know, because your mom and dad divorced and your mom remarried. The other way, where your two dads love each other and make strange grunting noises in their bedroom, is less common. It's even less common to have two dads where one is a monkey with the most disgusting head I've ever seen. Wear a fucking hat, Ultry!

Should I criticize the art for the first eight pages? No, I don't think I should. Normally I wouldn't mind criticizing the art. But this art is so bad and amateurish that I would feel like a professional kickboxer strutting out onto an elementary school playground and reaping the whirlwind. My words versus their art? It just wouldn't be a fair fight.

I hope the big surprise ending is that Ultra-Humanite manages to steal the casket and use it thus transforming Earth-Too into the Earth-2 everybody knows and sort of likes in small doses because that's the Earth where he had the most fun. He'll make an Earth-2 with conflicts and villains and superheroes and wars and, hopefully, super pets! And yes, by super pets, I mean Infinity Inc. Burn!

It's also possible this art style is genius and just beyond me. I mean, I never fucking gave a shit about Nirvana, so what do I know about genius?! I think my main problem is how different this is for a replacement artist in a superhero comic book. I'd be absolutely fine, and maybe even intrigued, if this were the style in stand alone story in an issue of Heavy Metal.

My comment about Heavy Metal might be apt because on the next page, Fury has the biggest camel-toe I've ever seen! Amazonian vaginas must be huge! I bet the only person who could give oral sex to an Amazon without drowning would be Aquaman! Oh, and Batman, I guess. But it would be weird having Duke Thomas standing off to the side keeping track of how long Batman was holding his breath.

John, or Firepattern, escapes out the window without the casket but Batman manages to put a Bat-tracker on him. Batman then tells Huntress to hunt him down. Hopefully she doesn't find him and start making out with him. He might look like a nearly grown man but he's just six years old! He's not ready for penetration yet!

Huntress goes after John by jumping out of the window of the skyscraper. She can't fly, right? I guess I'll find out if Huntress becomes a splotch on the sidewalk in the eagerly awaited Earth Too: Society Annual #1! I wasn't being sarcastic about the eagerly awaited part because I'm sure Dan Abnett's mom can't wait to show the issue around to all of her friends. Unless she's like my mom and then she's hoping they don't see anything he writes and often tells people her son is in prison for unspeakable crimes.

Oh, and Huntress's search for Firepattern won't lead back to Ultra-Humanite because he bailed on John. He doesn't like kids who disobey because how do they ignore his mind control?! Fucking selfish bastards.

With the Ultra-Humanite's first attack thwarted, the Wonders regroup.

What does Flash think they're trying to do? Kill some time so he dies and they can go home? You know, like most employees!

Commander Sato determines that the group who attacked had to be working for someone. I'm glad somebody in this group has the nerve to say the obvious! Now that they're all on the same page, they can start rubbing their chins and saying things like, "But who could it be?!"

Alan Scott comes in to answer the question before it's even asked! He also confuses me about how to type the brainy monkey's name! He says Ultrahumanite but he cover says Ultra-Humanite. Dash or no dash?! I'm going to check my Who's Who and rely on it! Answers from 1985 have to be correct because they're so old, right? Let's see...it's with a dash! Alan Scott just said it wrong! Probably due to his head injury.

Pacifist Superman begins an argument with Fury because I think he really likes to fight. He claimed to be a pacifist back when he was locked in a vault for years. It's easy to not fight anybody when there's nobody around to fight! But just spend a few hours around other people and you'll never want to be a pacifist again. You may even begin to understand preemptive strikes better! Although if you're on some kind of oxy or vicodin, you probably won't realize how utterly horrible and annoying your fellow human beings are. I completely understand why people get addicted to that shit. Why would you want to argue with an idiot in the office when you can just float gently on a cloud while they make calm, buzzing noises?

Before a fight can break out, Jay Garrick and Hawkcop come in crying. "Steel is dying!" he cries. "He's dying and you're all in here fuck-fighting with boners and slick vaginas! Have you no respect?!" He probably should come in and say, "Does anybody know in here know how to weld?!"

Alan Scott's plan is to try to work with the Ultra-Humanite. I wonder if Alan is really just into bears? I know he's a monkey but...oh, never mind!

What does the Ultra-Humanite think the Green Lantern is? The One Ring? Nerd!

Ultra-Humanite uses his mind control powers to possess Alan Scott and force Alan to reclaim his ring. Which is weird, I suppose, because the whole point of the last story was to incapacitate Green Lantern. And it was Ultra-Humanite's plan because Green Lantern was the only one he thought could defeat him. And now he forces him to get his ring back because he believes he can control him? This plan doesn't make any sense. Why not stick with your seventy Humanites army who all used to be toddlers and who you feel can take over the world without Green Lantern in their way? Why suddenly do this? Because the stupid kids failed on their first attack? Now they'll fail for sure if Ultra-Humanite loses control of Green Lantern.

Ultra-Humanite sends Green Lantern to steal the Pandora Casket so he can take it back to Ultra-Humanite and he can recreate Earth-2. I hope! Maybe he'll just make a planet of sexy naked ape women with four breasts each. Unless he's into male gorillas. Then he can make a bunch of sexy naked ape men with double the amount of normal ape dongs. I'm guessing that would be two but I've never personally examined a naked ape and don't know for sure.

Wonder Woman #4

I can't believe Greg Rucka approved this cover!

The Review!
I know I joke about jokes and stuff (the stuff being serious things that people think shouldn't be joked about, like the death of a kitten or, well, I can't think of anything worse than that) but I want to not joke about anything for this review. I just want to say this is a story that regular people will enjoy with their regular emotions because it exhibits some sort of hypothetical love between a mother and her child. I know that's the stuff of fantasy but it's done really well here. I can almost believe that mothers can love their children and do not want to see them hurt or disappointed. It was touching! But the best touching was when Diana and Steve touched! Ooh la la! I mean, she was just consoling him over the death of his friends but it was still pretty hot. You should probably be reading this book if you're into feminism and also if you're into sexy women.

The Commentary!
At the end of the last even numbered issue (which was also the first even numbered issue, being Issue #2), penis had come to Paradise Island. I'm not going to say "man" came because any number of Amazons could be trans men. But I will say penis because there's no way the amazons could know if a baby with a penis was actually a woman so they'd throw that baby away with the rest of the bastards. I mean boys. The penis didn't arrive quietly and most of the penises didn't arrive alive. Which is why Diana has decided to take great care of Steve Trevor's penis. It's a unique resource and it will need to be studied intensely in the months to come.

Mechanical penises were also found still working.

What would weapons look like if they were based on the female anatomy? I'm not sure but I'd probably have joined the army and prayed for war.

Diana decides to spend her days watching Steve Trevor sleep. She especially finds she enjoys the part where the sheets around his midsection gradually rise up in a slow, stuttering movement until they look ready to burst from the pressure of Steve's insistent organ. She doesn't have clearance to medically examine his penis to make sure it's okay, so she just sits and waits until she can find an excuse to call in Epione and get her to remove the covers.

"I think he's too hot! Should we remove his covers now?!"

To Diana's excitement, Steve realizes his friends are dead and he needs to be comforted. She puts her arms around him and touches his bare skin while he cries on her shoulder and she thinks, "Oh god I'm so close to coming!"

The Council of Amazons decide that the current rash of portents points to only one solution: have an Amazon escort Steve Trevor back to his world where he'll lead them to the present danger to their way of life. I know an Amazon who will gladly volunteer for that mission! She's currently icing her vagina! Not with cake icing! I mean, that would probably work to get Steve's attention. It's making me hungry right now! "Hungry" is a portmanteau of "horny" and "hungry." It's not a very good portmanteau. Um, I meant she was icing it because it was so sore from constantly masturbating while watching Trevor sleep. Duh!

To determine who will be Steve's escort (since everybody wants to be!), Hippolyta will be holding "The Games" one month earlier. I'm really hoping that's a euphemism for an endurance orgy and not a name for something so similar to the Olympics I'm already getting bored typing this. Hippolyta and Phillipus already know Diana is going to win. I'm not sure if that's confidence in their girl or they've already rigged the games. Jerks.

I can't wait to read Supergirl Rebirth #1! But I will! I meant "I can't wait" in the "I'm so excited I can't even think about masturbating but can actually wait and will" way and not the "I'm going to start reading it right now in the middle of reading Wonder Woman!" way.

"Diana, why do you smell like frosting?"

Steve Trevor is allowed to soil the games with his male gaze. Oh man! So lucky! I bet they compete naked and slathered in olive oil! I'm getting really hungry again!

Darn it. They don't compete naked at all! I mean, they compete naked if Frank Cho is drawing them and Greg Rucka is looking at them. They're that naked! But I guess it's okay to be that naked if Nicola Scott is drawing them because she probably doesn't get a boner when she does it. That pretty much excludes her from the Boner Club. That club consists of Frank Cho, Tony S. Daniel, and David Finch. Probably others but what am I? A comic book artist scholar?! I'm so intellectual that I barely even look at the art when I read! At least the art that isn't sexy in any way. Why it is even allowed in comic books?!

When the games that I probably wasn't supposed to find as sexually fulfilling as I did conclude, only three Amazons are left standing. The final test is to be able to defend against man's penis! I don't mean his flesh penis! That's easy to defend against, especially if you're wearing some solid boots. I mean his mechanical penis that he brandishes and polishes daily! Oh, I just realized that description didn't actually differentiate the penises! Um, I mean man's guns! They must be able to deflect a bullet! Ha ha! I suspect after this test, Fourth Runner Up will be Champion!

Surprise twist ending! Diana wins the games and gets the Wonder Woman uniform and the job of escorting Steve Trevor back in the human plane which the Amazons have made invisible! Did I use surprise twist right? Maybe it was a surprise ending because when I said "Surprise twist ending!", you thought, "Oh my god! Diana didn't win and won't be Wonder Woman?!" Then you were surprised when I said that was exactly what happened!

How is Diana going to learn English though? If she were Starfire, she would just have to engage in oral sex with somebody who spoke English. But I guess Diana will have to learn English the old fashioned way: by praying to the gods.

Diana and Steve hop in the invisible jet and take off from the beach in a totally realistic and plausible way since who knows how invisible jets fly anyway? Next stop: America! Probably!

The Flash #4

Godspeed can create wormholes!

The Review!
In this issue, Barry Allen learns...um...does he learn anything? I wonder if I would have noticed he learned anything if I were reading this comic book seriously instead of looking for opportunities to make stupid jokes about it? I know what I've learned while reading it! I've learned that other people try so hard to figure out who they are that they pour a sort of foundation of ethics and beliefs to stabilize the house of themselves. So when I say something that I totally don't mean because I think it's funny--or because maybe I do mean it, to a certain degree, in that it's a thing that makes sense which is what makes it funny, whether or not it's true--people read it as my final statement on the subject. When I say superspeed is a stupid power for assholes who always think of themselves as too busy, that's just a thought I had at the time that was funny and made sense. But it doesn't mean I can't or don't have other thoughts about why people would want superspeed. It just means I made a statement, not that I live by that statement. I find many people seem less malleable about the things they say because they want other people to know exactly who they are. Their statements express their selves. I suppose the more secure somebody is with who they are, the less they care about saying something which might be misinterpreted by somebody else. And boy howdy do people love to purposefully misinterpret everything said by everybody else forever! And I just realized something else that I learned! Or maybe something that I've just reconnected with that I knew all along and have probably mentioned once or twice before: this blog isn't about reviewing comic books! It's about reviewing me! So it's apt that I don't know what Barry learned in this issue (except maybe how to kiss somebody while in spandex and then hide the subsequent boner) but I know what I learned from it! Is that a good review of Flash #4? "I read it and learned something about myself"? I suppose it's better than "Joshua Williamson writes yet another mediocre Flash story where The Flash battles other speedsters and hangs out with other speedsters. I'm sure there will be time travel soon too!"

The Commentary!
Currently in Flashtown, just about everybody who is anybody can run at superspeed. It's like the city has turned into two different worlds. One where a bunch of jerks are running around doing things at superspeed as if their time is so fucking important and other people who are just walking about and doing things at a normal, reasonable pace. In my last commentary, I pointed out how superspeed would be wasted on me because I couldn't be bothered to exert the extra effort. But I think I'd change my mind if I could sleep and dream at superspeed! Then I'd have more time to do stuff at normal speed while awake!

The Flash is now conducting speed training classes at STAR Labs. I wonder if while training them how to use their powers, he's also telling them exactly how they should use their powers? Remember, Barry Allen is a micro-managing asshat!

How come I have yet to see a scene of Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor and Etta Candy discussing nuking Keystone City because it's become a threat to national security and the world? You can't have this many people with superspeed! It's irresponsible!

How do you train somebody to think fast? Throw things at them when they aren't looking?

The Flash is also investigating the new speedsters because he thinks one of them might be Godspeed. Why isn't he investigating the least likely person it would be? August Heart! Too bad The Flash doesn't know he's in a comic book where the most unlikely answer is the likely answer because SURPRISE TWIST!

Racist.

The Flash tries to make a dumb joke to Doctor Dhawan and she instantly thinks he's flirting with her. Just because your super hot and have super speed and your brain can calculate in an instant just how stupid my brain is, that doesn't mean everybody wants to fuck you, Doctor! Geez! You think you're such hot shit! I mean, unless you were just making a joke too! To make Barry feel uncomfortable because it's always funny to make somebody feel uncomfortable! Unless that person is one of those people who is all, "But I have a medical issue that makes it wrong for you to make me feel slightly uncomfortable! That's not a joke at all! It's a trauma!" Ugh! Maybe I have a medical condition where I'll die if I'm not slightly mean to other people! Have you ever thought about that?!

August Heart shows up at STAR Labs and is all, "I'm totally not Godspeed! Don't even think it! Name is August Heart! That's not the name of a bad guy!" And then Iris West shows up and is all, "I may be a blogger journalist but I've got ethics! So even though I could be totally famous and get lots of money and maybe a sweet ass Pulitzer to put that stupid Lois Lane in her stupid place, I'm going to share my news with you first Flash! Integrity!"

While Barry Allen is investigating Godspeed and flirting with Dr. Dhawan and listening to Iris yammer on about some conspiracy, he's being fired from his job with the police. And he knows he is! But he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "A Flash has got to do what a Flash has got to do!" Then he winks at Dr. Dhawan and Iris at the same time. So he blinks. And they don't know he's trying to flirt.

Flash learns from Iris that Dr. Carver, the leader of the Black Holes, was fired from STAR Labs for trying to weaponize the Speed Force. Somehow he retrieved a sample of the Speed Force which makes no sense to me. Is the Speed Force like pie? Can you just hack off a slice to do delicious experiments on? The Flash and Dr. Dhawan gear up to go find Dr. Carver but Godspeed...I mean, August is told to stay behind because he's still injured from his absorption of other people's Speed Force. I mean, from being beaten by Godspeed. Blink! I mean wink! Good thing Barry didn't let him come along because now Godspeed can appear at the warehouse to try to steal more Speed Force so he can avenge his brother while also yelling, "I'm not August Heart at all! Nobody think that!"

No technology Dr. Dhawan has ever seen?! But she's an über genius!

Dr. Carver is a mad scientist that is more mad than scientist. He claims he was trying to harness the powers of lightning like Benjamin Franklin before him. What kind of a scientist would make that claim about Ben Franklin? Okay, maybe Carver's sentence is a bit muddled and he only meant he was experimenting like Ben Franklin. Anyway, his slipshod knowledge of Ben Franklin's reasons for experimenting with lightning aside, Carver explains that being struck by lightning was what made him realize that The Flash shouldn't be allowed to keep the Speed Force to himself. And, of course, none of that makes sense. How come everybody knows The Flash got his powers from being struck by lightning but they don't know his secret identity? Is it because the idiot wears a lightning bolt symbol on his chest? Did Doctor Carver, the supposed scientist, base all of his claims on an assumption? How does anybody know that Speed Force is gained from some kind of lightning?!

You know what? I'm just getting myself worked up here! I should just remember Carver is a mad scientist and leave it at that. Godspeed will kill him soon anyway.

Carver activates a machine he wears called The Speed Machine and seriously fucks himself up.

Barry is an expert on Speed Force nonsense.

August Heart shows up with two disposable new speedsters to help stop Carver. Because August thinks Carver has answers to his brother's death years ago. He still doesn't have a catchy speed name. At least not one he can reveal to Flash without all of his plans falling apart.

I didn't want August Heart to become the bad guy but I'm pretty much all in on him winding up being Godspeed! I'm going to look like a fool if it isn't him! Or I can just point out that the writer messed up and never revealed the real secret plan of August being Godspeed. You know, like how Lobdell and DeFalco never got around to explaining how Harvest was really Tim Drake from the future after he'd been turned into a vampire.

Barry, Dr. Dhawan, and August steal Carver's powers using the same trick Godspeed used to steal the powers of the kids in Iron Heights. But they do it in a kinder way that doesn't leave Carver dead. Plus his lab is destroyed after the battle so now they have no more leads! Barry points out that it all seems too convenient. As if there's another villain pulling the strings! Like, um, you know: Godspeed!

But the comic book isn't over yet! Wally West still needs some story! Although he only gets half a page where he decides to go train at STAR Labs. Then it gets back to Meena Dhawan and The Flash who are in Boner City, Population: Barry's boner. I mean, Meena kisses him and, well, he's wearing spandex. It would probably be insulting to Meena if nothing moved down there. And because of the kiss (and probably because Barry has totally lost his job at this point), he reveals his secret identity to Meena! Which is probably a stupid move because she was hot for The Flash, not Barry Allen. What if she was already kind of grossed out by Barry? Now she's going to be all, "Oh, well, hey. Look at that. Is it too late to pretend I tripped and accidentally kissed you?"