Earth Too: Society #16

Please be the kind of last stand that Custer had.

The Commentary!
Some comic books work. Others don't work. That's just logic! Then there are comic books that might work but I don't fucking give any shits about. That's this comic book! Now that I've put my bias out there for everybody to see because I'm super transparent about things like that (I just call myself "super trans" cause it's cool to shorten all of the words), nobody can argue with any of the terrible things I say about this comic book in the paragraphs to come. I'll just say, "I told you right from the start that I didn't care about this comic book! You should have realized that meant I probably wasn't going to pay much attention to it which definitely meant that I was going to completely miss any intellectual themes that may or may not but probably almost definitely are not at all there!"

I think I was trying to make this point in the last non-Annual commentary I wrote about Earth Too but I fell into a digression and never quite climbed my way out! One of the reasons I think Dan Abnett changed the Pandora Vessel into the Pandora Casket is because it contains a dead world. So after Dan Abnett wrote the script with the Pandora Vessel and he sent the script to the artists who did the art and then the art went to the colorist and got some color and then it went to the editor who was super busy and just trusted there were no errors and sent it off to get published, Dan went, "NO WAIT! IT SHOULD BE A CASKET! A CAAAAAASKEEEEEET! IT'S MORE THEMATICALLY RELEVANT!" And the editor was all, "Just fucking change it in the next script. Nobody will fucking notice. And I don't think that Tess asshole who writes shitty shit about everything we do cares enough about your stupid Earth 2 comic book to notice either." But ha ha! You were wrong, imaginary editor! In fact, I totally noticed! And I can't fucking forget! It haunts me day and night! Why? Why did Dan change it?! WHY!?!

Anyway, stupid idiot Green Lantern got himself mind-controlled by the Ultra-Humanite, so Earth Too is probably fucked. Nobody can stand up to Alan Scott! Maybe Val-el if he's currently not in one of his pacifist mindsets.

Green Lantern is almost stopped by The Flash! I mean, for like one panel it seems maybe The Flash will do it. Then Power Girl, Val-el, and Tornado Lane arrive and it seems like maybe they'll stop him! For like, one panel. So then Fury arrives and she's all, "I may not be able to stop you but I'll sure as shit last longer than one fucking panel!" And she does! She lasts for four panels! Possibly five! What a hero!

Since when was Alan Scott's ring a weapon of Oa?

I'm not a Green Lantern scholar so maybe the origin of Alan Scott's ring has been retconned (probably dozens of times, really) but it wasn't an Oan weapon to begin with! Okay, it had links to the Guardians of the Universe but those links are more tentative than the links the lantern has to a crazy fucker at Arkham obsessed with train lanterns! Or a Chinese guy interested in meteors! Or to Alan himself who actually made the ring using the lantern! This was decades before Hal Jordan made a ring of his own during Rebirth!

Green Lantern breaks into the vault where the Pandora's Casket has been hidden away. But there's some good and bad news! The bad news is that there's a Wonder inside the vault guarding it! The good news is that it's only Red Arrow! How is that chump going to stop a Green Lantern?! No wait! Don't answer that! I'm sure Dan Abnett will come up with a super intriguing way to have a powerless noob beat somebody with the most powerful weapon in the universe! I mean, that very same thing happens in the pages of Green Lantern every five to six pages.

Green Lantern laughs at Red Arrow and Red Arrow is all, "Dan Abnett knows this situation is ridiculous so now I get to have a lengthy monologue explaining why it isn't ridiculous at all but totally fucking cool! SO COOL!" Then Red Arrow is killed. Probably. I mean, no way he can beat Green Lantern. No way at all. No writer would even try to convince readers that it could happen. We would all riot if Red Arrow somehow beat Green Lantern! I know I would. Unless I was feeling a bit peckish. Then I might just take a nap.

And Green Lantern is just about to kill Red Arrow when he notices Red Arrow has his erect penis nocked in the bow. That's when he's all, "Oh yeah!" And Ultra-Humanite is all, "Oh my god! I'm in a homosexual mind!", and flees. Ultra-Humanite? More like Ultra-Homophobe!

"The plan Flash My Huge Cock worked. Ultra-Humanite is gone and Alan is fellating himself."

Ultra-Humanite arrives and kills Red Arrow with some magic monkey magic. Now nobody stands in the way! Ultra-Humanite can open the Casket and restore World War II Era Earth-2! Right? Come on. Right? Just do that. Just stop writing this comic book and somebody start writing that comic book!

Before Ultra-Humanite can fix everything, Batjerk, The Huntress, Hawk Cop, and little Johnny Grayson arrive to prolong this nonsense. People often think it's noble to fight against death. They think clinging to life with every last ounce of energy is the only noble way to go out. But if that's really the case, why do doctors hand out DNR bracelets like they were candy going out of style? You know what doctors think, right? The same thing veterinarians think: saving people is a huge waste of energy, time, and money! It's better to just convince people that they should die with dignity and stop being a burden. Too bad the Earth-Too Wonders didn't get the memo. The memo I'm talking about is this paragraph I just wrote that sums up my feelings about how they should just give up already. Why don't they give up? Why do they hate me so?

Oh! OH! Wait! Somebody got my memo! Somebody gets it! Somebody understands and that somebody saves the world by opening the Casket and destroying the world! You know, before Ultra-Humanite could do it badly. And that hero is Fury! Hooray, Fury! I will remember you fondly when you never, ever reappear because the actual Fury that lives in that box is probably the one fucking Silver Scarab. I hope!

Anyway, that's the end! Everything is destroyed! Such a great ending to this comic book! Triple A Plus Plus! Oh wait. I ranked too early! Let me change my underpants and try that again.

The Ranking!
Triple A Plus Plus! That's probably something like a +3! And that ranking is only for the last few pages. The other pages were just a huge wind up. I wish more Wonders had been killed during that early part since their deaths wouldn't have mattered. But then, maybe that would have made it too obvious that they were going to lose and reboot Earth-2.

Earth Too: Society #15

Everything on this cover pales in comparison to the name "von Grawbadger".

The Review!
This comic book has done so many about faces that I'm throwing up. First the world is going to be terraformed. Then it's not. Now it is again. First Green Lantern doesn't want to help the world. Then he does. Then he gives up his ring. Then he gets it back. First Dick loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid! I haven't checked but I don't think I'm exaggerating on the amount of times he found and lost his kid. Anyway, the book should be over soon and Earth-Too should once again be Earth-2! I hope. I've definitely had enough of this broken planet full of paranoid assholes who won't even try to use solar power. I'm also sick of the people on the planet in the comic book!

The Commentary!
Last issue, two major plot developments took place. First, Dick Grayson finally found his son. Second, everybody decided to start calling the Pandora Vessel "The Pandora Casket". Both revelations rocked the foundations of what comic books could be! Who knew you could just start referring to something as something completely different! But Dan Abnett thinks outside of the box, or the vessel, or the casket...whatever! He decided to look continuity straight in the eye and say, "Not today!" Or maybe he just forgot what he had been calling it and his editors were just phoning it in at this point because who cares about a non-Rebirth book at this point? Also, and this is a controversial position, maybe switching "vessel" to "casket" isn't as big a deal to Continuity Nerds as I would have expected. But this is a serious change of characterization of Pandora's Whatever! Vessels and Caskets aren't generally used to hold the same types of things! Which, now that I think about it, is probably why Abnett changed it to a casket. Vessel seems to describe it's purpose, to house and transport the souls of another world (which I totally imagine as a soupy liquid, another thing a vessel would hold!). But a casket seems to describe its superficial look. It's a small, ornamental box. Although a casket is also used to hold precious things, so I guess...what the fuck am I talking about?! Obviously the most important thing to happen was Dick Grayson finally reuniting with his kid!

Ultra-Humanite has convinced Dick's kid that he's his ape-father. But Dick's kid, John, remembers what his dad looks like and that he's not a monkey of any kind (unless you believe in that gobbledygook evolution crap!). Now John has two dads and not in the way most Americans have two dads. You know, because your mom and dad divorced and your mom remarried. The other way, where your two dads love each other and make strange grunting noises in their bedroom, is less common. It's even less common to have two dads where one is a monkey with the most disgusting head I've ever seen. Wear a fucking hat, Ultry!

Should I criticize the art for the first eight pages? No, I don't think I should. Normally I wouldn't mind criticizing the art. But this art is so bad and amateurish that I would feel like a professional kickboxer strutting out onto an elementary school playground and reaping the whirlwind. My words versus their art? It just wouldn't be a fair fight.

I hope the big surprise ending is that Ultra-Humanite manages to steal the casket and use it thus transforming Earth-Too into the Earth-2 everybody knows and sort of likes in small doses because that's the Earth where he had the most fun. He'll make an Earth-2 with conflicts and villains and superheroes and wars and, hopefully, super pets! And yes, by super pets, I mean Infinity Inc. Burn!

It's also possible this art style is genius and just beyond me. I mean, I never fucking gave a shit about Nirvana, so what do I know about genius?! I think my main problem is how different this is for a replacement artist in a superhero comic book. I'd be absolutely fine, and maybe even intrigued, if this were the style in stand alone story in an issue of Heavy Metal.

My comment about Heavy Metal might be apt because on the next page, Fury has the biggest camel-toe I've ever seen! Amazonian vaginas must be huge! I bet the only person who could give oral sex to an Amazon without drowning would be Aquaman! Oh, and Batman, I guess. But it would be weird having Duke Thomas standing off to the side keeping track of how long Batman was holding his breath.

John, or Firepattern, escapes out the window without the casket but Batman manages to put a Bat-tracker on him. Batman then tells Huntress to hunt him down. Hopefully she doesn't find him and start making out with him. He might look like a nearly grown man but he's just six years old! He's not ready for penetration yet!

Huntress goes after John by jumping out of the window of the skyscraper. She can't fly, right? I guess I'll find out if Huntress becomes a splotch on the sidewalk in the eagerly awaited Earth Too: Society Annual #1! I wasn't being sarcastic about the eagerly awaited part because I'm sure Dan Abnett's mom can't wait to show the issue around to all of her friends. Unless she's like my mom and then she's hoping they don't see anything he writes and often tells people her son is in prison for unspeakable crimes.

Oh, and Huntress's search for Firepattern won't lead back to Ultra-Humanite because he bailed on John. He doesn't like kids who disobey because how do they ignore his mind control?! Fucking selfish bastards.

With the Ultra-Humanite's first attack thwarted, the Wonders regroup.

What does Flash think they're trying to do? Kill some time so he dies and they can go home? You know, like most employees!

Commander Sato determines that the group who attacked had to be working for someone. I'm glad somebody in this group has the nerve to say the obvious! Now that they're all on the same page, they can start rubbing their chins and saying things like, "But who could it be?!"

Alan Scott comes in to answer the question before it's even asked! He also confuses me about how to type the brainy monkey's name! He says Ultrahumanite but he cover says Ultra-Humanite. Dash or no dash?! I'm going to check my Who's Who and rely on it! Answers from 1985 have to be correct because they're so old, right? Let's see...it's with a dash! Alan Scott just said it wrong! Probably due to his head injury.

Pacifist Superman begins an argument with Fury because I think he really likes to fight. He claimed to be a pacifist back when he was locked in a vault for years. It's easy to not fight anybody when there's nobody around to fight! But just spend a few hours around other people and you'll never want to be a pacifist again. You may even begin to understand preemptive strikes better! Although if you're on some kind of oxy or vicodin, you probably won't realize how utterly horrible and annoying your fellow human beings are. I completely understand why people get addicted to that shit. Why would you want to argue with an idiot in the office when you can just float gently on a cloud while they make calm, buzzing noises?

Before a fight can break out, Jay Garrick and Hawkcop come in crying. "Steel is dying!" he cries. "He's dying and you're all in here fuck-fighting with boners and slick vaginas! Have you no respect?!" He probably should come in and say, "Does anybody know in here know how to weld?!"

Alan Scott's plan is to try to work with the Ultra-Humanite. I wonder if Alan is really just into bears? I know he's a monkey but...oh, never mind!

What does the Ultra-Humanite think the Green Lantern is? The One Ring? Nerd!

Ultra-Humanite uses his mind control powers to possess Alan Scott and force Alan to reclaim his ring. Which is weird, I suppose, because the whole point of the last story was to incapacitate Green Lantern. And it was Ultra-Humanite's plan because Green Lantern was the only one he thought could defeat him. And now he forces him to get his ring back because he believes he can control him? This plan doesn't make any sense. Why not stick with your seventy Humanites army who all used to be toddlers and who you feel can take over the world without Green Lantern in their way? Why suddenly do this? Because the stupid kids failed on their first attack? Now they'll fail for sure if Ultra-Humanite loses control of Green Lantern.

Ultra-Humanite sends Green Lantern to steal the Pandora Casket so he can take it back to Ultra-Humanite and he can recreate Earth-2. I hope! Maybe he'll just make a planet of sexy naked ape women with four breasts each. Unless he's into male gorillas. Then he can make a bunch of sexy naked ape men with double the amount of normal ape dongs. I'm guessing that would be two but I've never personally examined a naked ape and don't know for sure.

Earth Too: Society #14

Oh fuck. The Wonders all just came together in peace! Why are they at each others' throats this time?!

The Review!
More than any other book published by DC Comics, this one is exhibiting all the flaws of editorial process. At first it seemed like Earth-Too, the revamped Convergence world (I think? It doesn't really matter. Don't think about it too hard), was going to become an exact replica of Earth-2 so that we could get back to Justice Society of America stories. But then something happened behind the scenes which changed that idea and so nobody on Earth-2 was able to use the Genesis Machine and Bruce's cube of coded information. Earth-Too was going to proceed with a new story about how the Wonders were going to help remake the world in the face of shortages and border skirmishes and culture conflicts. But with Rebirth, it looks like the editors want Earth-2 back! So guess what story is taking place? That's right! It's the Genesis Machine story yet again! Except instead of Godlike Jimmy Olsen trying to steal the Terraforming MacGuffin, we have Ultra-Humanite trying to steal it. But I'm sure, according to this cover, we're still going to have the heroes fighting among themselves for the future of this planet. Will it continue to be Earth-Too or will it once again become the Earth-2 everybody's grandfather misses? I'm guessing, since this story is getting a second chance, it will end differently this time and we'll be left with Earth-2.

The Commentary!
Earth-2 Dick Grayson has been a horrible father. He wasn't able to find his kid for about thirty issues of Earth-2 and then after Convergence, he all but gave up on finding him. That's too bad because he was around to be found! It's just a sentient white-haired ape got to him first! Now Dick Grayson's kid is an instant teenager with super powers and severe Daddy Issues! He's going to fit in great in the DC Universe.

Since Tornado Lane failed to write a constitution of the world, the Wonders now need to come up with a means of governing that everybody will accept. Except that's not possible because the only way Wonders know how to decide things is with their fists. But usually while they're beating each other up, they're attacked by a real threat which leads them to all agree on punching that person together. So Ultra-Humanite will probably be the one to unite the Wonders and bring about world peace. And then I guess somebody will accidentally knock the Pandora Vessel off of a table and recreate Earth-2?

Oh, excuse me. It's the Pandora Casket this issue.

If I remember correctly (and I'm not claiming I am because my memory sucks and I hate remembering anything about any New 52 Earth-2 comic book anyway!), The Huntress was all for terraforming the world with the Genesis Machine and Power Girl was against it. Well now Power Girl is all for terraforming the world with the Pandora Vessel--excuse me!--Casket because why not? They tried things the non-destroying-the-world-to-replace-it-with-an-old-one way and it didn't work. Let's try destroying the world and see if that's any better!

Dick Grayson wants to return the old world so that he can be reunited with Babs and the son he lost eight times and finally decided to just stop looking for. But will that be any better than not having him? He'll spend every minute thinking, "But is this really Babs? Is this really my son? Or just pale imitations of people I couldn't really get intimate with anyway?" That way lies madness! Especially if the new Babs decides she doesn't like not-new Dick! Then he'll have lost her twice!

Meanwhile, Ultra-Humanite's Humanites begin their attack on Neotropolis. How can it fail? The Humanites are mostly composed of five and six year olds instantly aged to teenagers and given super powers. The Wonders are experienced fighters who have had years to hone their battle techniques! Although being older also means the Wonders have lost most of their passion, so maybe the Humanites will win the day on pure youthful exuberance and idealism! Oh to be young and credulous again!

Of course the youngsters get the upper hand! I was just listing the reasons why they really shouldn't win. But we all knew they would beat the Wonders in the first half of the story because that's how comic book stories work. After the defeat, the heroes rally together and rise up against overwhelming odds to save the day! I mean all of the heroes that are left.

Yeah! Nothing can cut steel! It's a known science fact!

All the battle stuff is your typical battle stuff so I should get to the big surprise twist ending that nobody saw coming. Firepattern is the last Humanite left after battling Fury and is about to get the Pandora Vessel--Fuck. Sorry again!--Casket when he sees a battered, broken old man leaning on it telling jokes about over his dead body or something. Firepattern is all, "Daddy?!" And Dick Grayson is all, "What? Of course I'm not your dad! You're like sixteen years old! I would have had to have fathered you at ten! Get out of here!" No wait! He doesn't do that at all. He's just all, "John?! I finally found you! I'm the hero dad!" And then the series doesn't respectfully die but continues next month.