Justice League America #51 (June 1991)

I'll eat my own asshole if this is a Space Cabbie story.

I must want to eat my own asshole because the only writer I can remember doing a Space Cabbie story was Keith Giffen. Didn't he do some Space Cabbie stuff in Threshold during the New 52? Fuck, I think he did. So I guess my next question is "What condiments go with asshole?"

I'm not against eating asshole but I don't think I'm limber enough to make good on my declaration to eat my own!

This issue is called "My Dinner with G'nort" which makes me think, "Is somebody eating G'nort's asshole?" No wait! I meant it makes think, "Were Justice League fans pissed during this series having to read so many G'nort-centric issues?" Imagine being a huge fan of the big 3 and 1/2 (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and excitedly picking up this next volume of the Justice League only to find stories about G'nort, Guy and Ice dating, some fool named General Glory, Barda leaving her rod in an unlocked car, and the Injustice League. People think comic book fans have only become grouchy, bitter assholes in the Internet age but I guarantee you, they have always been grouchy, bitter assholes. This shit would have pissed them the fuck off. It's just that the grouchiest and most bitterest of them could never get their letters printed in a comic book because of those Goddamned gate-keeping editors, picking and choosing only the most civilized angry letters! And even then, they occasionally let a real whopper through as an example of the kind of fan you never want to be. Like the guy who wrote the letter concerning the Tales of the Teen Titans Presents: Starfire issue about Apartheid where he was all, "Why did you have to portray all the white people as bad guys?! Not all white people! Have you heard about black-on-black crime? I have but I ignore all the context of it and just like to point out how black Americans should be more afraid of black Americans than white Americans based on Chicago!" I don't think Chicago was a go-to dog whistle back then but does it matter? You know that guy who wrote that "Not all white people!" letter about an Apartheid story would have whistled at that Chicago dog (no ketchup) if he'd been around today!

Normally I would capitalize "Black Americans" but it was inside the quote of an angry comic book nerd from the late '80s who was also a racist caricature so I wrote it how he would have written it. Also, I would not capitalize "white Americans" ever. I won't debate anybody on why that is because the kind of people who would want to debate me on it are also the kind of people who usually profess how they're self-educated so they can figure it out by educating themselves online.

J'onn, being the most mature and polite member of the Justice League, greets G'nort as politely as anybody possibly can.

The only members of the League not busy are L'ron, J'onn, and K'ilowog. Kilowog being in this month's issue must have been a headache for fans who love continuity! Kilowog being in New York and Starroshire-by-the-Sea in the same month! Also, what are all the other members of the Justice League up to? It's not like DeMatteis can say they're on a space mission the way he would say Superman is on a space mission anytime there was a threat to Earth that Superman could solve too quickly for a three story arc. Maybe there's a barbecue at Scott and Barda's place upstate. Also, J'onn says Kilowog isn't busy but he's been fixing the washer and dryer and taking a two hour bath! How is that not being busy?

Martian Manhunter manages to ditch G'nort, pretending to go engage in a sacred Martian meditation ritual when we all know he's just going off to mainline Oreos. So G'nort hangs out with General Glory's dog, Liberty the Wonder Dog, and Kilowog. Too bad Blue Beetle isn't around to begin a discussion about which one is the ugliest.

Kilowog must really hate humans. First he tries to ditch Justice League Europe to hang out with Starro. And now he's excited to ditch Justice League America to hang out with G'nort.

Kilowog is just a great guy and an alien booster. Unlike so many other heroes, he isn't prejudiced against non-Earthlings. Batman and Superman will go on and on about how they don't kill but as soon as they face an alien threat? They fucking cut those bastards up into filets! At least Kilowog sees the humanity in other aliens. Um, you know what I mean.

So this is Fire being too "busy" to party with G'nort?! Or is J'onn just a massive fucking liar?!

Maybe J'onn isn't a liar! Maybe there's a meta reason for Fire looking not busy at all. Adam Hughes probably doesn't really pay attention to the character's dialogue so he didn't know Fire was supposed be busy. And then he got bored and disgusted drawing ugly characters like Liberty, G'nort, Kilowog, and J'onn, so he decided to take a moment to draw Fire and her titties. If this had been a comic drawn by David Finch, Fire would have been in a towel stepping out of the shower.

Speaking of David Finch, did The White Rabbit ever return to the DC Universe after her one or two appearances in The New 52? I'm assuming she did not ever appear again because she was a terrible fucking character and only existed so David Finch can draw a nearly naked woman in situations other than having just stepped out of the shower.

Kilowog and G'nort decide to hit some bars and hit on some babes. J'onn, who really needs to relax and learn to trust other people whom he believes are his responsibility but actually aren't, realizes that they might embarrass him so he decides to chaperone. Embarrass him. As if it's all about J'onn! The only responsible and mature person in the entire world! Apparently green Martians are stuck-up, arrogant, pricks with huge anti-fun sticks up their asses. Give me a white Martian to pal around with any day!

The three aliens go buy suits for their night out because that's funny, I guess? Seeing aliens in suits? It's a weird choice being that they're in 1990's New York City and not 1940's New York City. Who goes out for a night on the town in a fucking suit?! Oh, wait. Now I'm like Adam Hughes and not reading the dialogue! Apparently they're going to dinner and a Broadway show. I guess a suit is acceptable for that. Not that I'd know owning exactly zero suits and having never been to a Broadway show and only occasionally eating dinner sitting in a restaurant as opposed to standing at a food truck counter or gobbling from a bag while seated in a stuffy vehicle. I have been to musicals though! Just never been to New York.

While everybody is away, Booster Gold wanders into the Embassy.

The Biblical allusion works well for Booster because he does spend his money recklessly.

Do people actually know what "prodigal" means or do they just assume it means "somebody who was missing for a long time"? I suppose it doesn't matter since it's a Bible reference which, if I assume people understand the reference and the meaning of "prodigal," they simply use it to mean "I've been gone for a long time and now, like the son who recklessly spent his portion of his pre-inheritance, I've returned home!" Man, I've got to stop fixing plot and continuity holes in reality for ignorant people! No more excuses for people who say things like, "You've got another thing coming!" Just going to shake my head and look down on them as I walk away trying to rub the dog shit off of my shoe in the wet grass.

Booster, finding nobody to goof off with, decides to hang around with L'ron, probably because he reminds him of Skeets. Where is Skeets, anyway? He's probably getting his insides filled up by Mr. Mind right now. Take that as you will.

J'onn, Kilowog, and G'nort choose to see Cats because J'onn might be a telepath but he's pretty shit at forecasting the obvious results of basic choices. It's not like every member of the Justice League uses some sort of canine insult on G'nort about two and a half times per panel! And J'onn couldn't see that taking G'nort to a musical with a bunch of people in cat costumes wasn't going to be trouble?! Of course he jumped on stage and tried to eat them! I'm not even dog-like and I would probably have trouble not jumping on stage and licking some of those performers!

If Cats were using totally honest advertising, the marquee would just read Nipples.

I don't know what plays were on Broadway in 1991 but imagine choosing Cats over any other one of them. How the fuck did that spectacle run for so long on Broadway? Oh, wait. I think I already answered that question with the "nipples" bit.

Since the play went so poorly, J'onn nearly cancels dinner. But in the end, he relents because Martians never learn. They decide to have dinner in whatever tower of the World Trade Center had a restaurant (probably both but, never having owned a suit or been to New York, I wouldn't know). Also dining there: Black Hand and his henchmen! He's just recovered from his beatdown by Guy Gardner at the porn theater. After months of therapy, he's decided all of his problems were caused by his father. Jesus, who needs months of therapy to learn that?! Just spend one evening with your father and you can realize that! Or does that say too much about me and my relationship with my dad? If so, ignore it! I don't want you fuckers knowing intimate details like that about me!

Black Hand notices Martian Manhunter when J'onn is talked out of letting down his disguise for one moment and, well, I guess Black Hand still wants to kill his father.

Good thing J'onn doesn't look like Black Hand's mother.

Hopefully seeing an image of two people falling out of a window of the World Trade Center doesn't traumatize anybody. If it does, just try to remember that G'nort has a power ring and they'll be okay. Also that they're fictional characters.

J'onn manages to save G'nort and Black Hand because G'nort's "ring" was in J'onn's "pocket." I put "ring" in quotes because G'nort's ring is actually more of a bracelet thing that fits around his paw. And I put "pocket" in quotes because J'onn's suit was just part of his transformation into looking human. So G'nort's "ring" was really just in, like, a flap of J'onn's skin. Gross.

Black Hand winds up in a place called "The Home for the Terminally Bewildered." He'll only be incarcerated there long enough for Geoff Johns to rebrand him as a real threat and start up that whole Blackest Day shit.

Justice League America #51 Rating: B+. I'm not sure if the world needs the Justice League. I haven't been paying close attention but I don't think they've really saved the world at all. At most, maybe twice. Definitely once when J'onn took out Despero. But did any of the other fifty issues tell a story where the JLA saved the world? I really don't think so! But that's what fans came to expect of the Justice League during these years. The members just participated in silly stories right up until things got super serious (which should be in an issue or two!). And as far as silly stories go, this one was pretty entertaining. I enjoyed Kilowog getting a role in the alpha story. And G'nort, while still being treated in a disrespectful manner and constantly compared to a dog (which he fully participates in at this point), was far less annoying than he can be. Plus Booster and Beetle had some best friend time in the beta stroy which I didn't really discuss much! It's really just part of the main story where they bet L'ron that J'onn and Kilowog and G'nort are going to wind up in trouble. They win that bet, of course. They're quite familiar with the Justice League's fifty issue track record of not really doing anything heroic.

I don't remember why I'm supposed to eat my own asshole but I guess I promised to do it or something so . . . see you next time!

Justice League America #45 (December 1990)

I'd be afraid Ice would accidentally freeze my dick off when she has an orgasm.

Ha ha! I can hear you all saying, "I doubt you'd have to worry about that!" Let me tell you something about my sexual skills: they're probably awesome! Is that a good Tinder bio? "My sex skills are probably awesome! If you're into that kind of thing. We can also just hold hands during couple's skate at the local ice rink after sharing a strawberry shake with two straws."

If I lived in the DC Universe, I know the Guardians would never choose me to wield a Green Lantern Ring because I would mostly use it to create ass dildos during sex (for all participants). I don't know for sure that everything is better while wearing a butt plug but I have a strong suspicion that it is true. That guy cheating at chess with anal beads only confirmed my theory which is why I'm finally going public with it (unless I already went public with the theory several times in several different past reviews. That's a strong possibility). I will test this theory the next time I go to Disneyland although I don't think I'll manage to get photographic proof from Splash Mountain's final drop camera. I will try though! And I know they're closing Splash Mountain but I'm sure when it turns into Tiana's Bayou Adventure, it'll just be the same ride with non-racist animatronics.

Speaking of butt plugs, I hope Lobo is in this issue!

The first two pages of this issue look like Adam Hughes drew them but third page definitely isn't Adam Hughes. Looking at the credits, the main art credit goes to Russell Braun with inks by John Beatty. A follow-up credit for "Assisting and Abetting" goes to Adam Hughes and Jose Marzan Jr and Malcolm Jones III. So that's fucking weird, right?

Wait. After taking her to a porno and battling Black Hand, Ice went on a second date with Guy to a cockfight?!

At the end of their last date, Ice made it clear she would never again go out with Guy and then went to take a week-long bath. But unless I'm somehow missing the "two roosters pecking each other to death" reference, she must have relented and gone on a second date with him that's not mentioned! Unless the porno took place at a cockfight. Or maybe Ice was describing the porno and meant "two peckers roosting each other to death." Is that a thing? Should I look up "roosting" on Urban Dictionary?! Maybe it'll be explained on the next page!

So she did give him another chance that wasn't documented in a comic book!

Guy offers to let her choose and Ice somehow finds that enticing. But where else can they go?! They've already done the porn theater and a cockfight! What else is there? Mud wrestling, I suppose? It's possible this is a recurring event where Ice relents and Guy chooses a terrible place to go and Ice screams at him for the rest of the week. It all happens between issues which is why all of this cockfighting nonsense is news to readers. But Ice eventually gives in because she desperately wants to fuck him for some reason only to have him ruin the entire thing with his masculine idiocy. This time (or once again?), Ice jumps at the chance to go on another date when Guy gives her control of the date's location so I'm guessing she must be dying to taste his dick. I can't see any other reason to date him unless she's got a thing for guys with serious brain damage and unresolved issues stemming from the brain injury and a high propensity for complete and utter violence.

Fire loses her fucking mind (again?) when Ice tells her she's going out on another date with Guy Gardner.

Guy Gardner is going to compare Tora to a couch, isn't he?

Ice has decided that Guy Gardner will be a good boy and pretend to enjoy himself at the Ice Capades in the hopes of scoring. Well, at least Ice will have a good time. Plus she must want to fuck Guy or she wouldn't keep enduring these humiliating dates with him. But then, Guy must actually really like Ice if he's willing to go to the Ice Capades with her even though he feels it threatens his masculinity, especially because Lightray laughs at him just before he and Ice leave on their date.

That's right, Guy! It is one way of putting it! You're being very respectful and charitable in your totally normal and innocuous response to the extravagant gaiety of the performance!

Blue Beetle learns that Guy Gardner has gone to the Ice Capades to share an activity which Ice enjoys and he decides it's the perfect thing to bust Guy's balls over. What a fucking dick. Guy is showing a second layer, trying to be a decent bloke, and all Blue Beetle can think is to make fun of him for it. It doesn't occur on-panel but I'm sure Blue Beetle did the cat meowing/whip noise at some point. Fire tries to stop his stupid prank but he is unstoppable in his fervor to humiliate Guy (and Ice! He's going to completely ruin Ice's night and embarrass her on her first enjoyable date with Guy!) so she relents and decides to go with him to the Ice Capades. I'm sure Fire has only gone to make sure Ice isn't hurt but she should have held out and demanded Blue Beetle knock off this childish behavior. Of course Ice is going to be hurt! She sees something in Guy which she'd like to pursue and everybody else around her just gives her unending shit about dating him. And now they're going to try to fuck it up because they want to emasculate Guy for going to the Ice Capades? That's directly shitting on something that Ice adores! Maybe this is why I became such a Guy Gardner fan! Because everybody around him treats him like shit! Ice is the only one willing to reach out to him and break through the tough guy wall that's almost certainly been built up due to a lasting brain injury and crippling insecurity for being the "replacement Green Lantern." I believe there's also deep wells of anger due to knowing that he's only the replacement Green Lantern because Hal Jordan happened to be closer to Abin Sur's crash landing!

I'm not saying Guy still doesn't need therapy and anger management courses!

Blue Beetle has Kilowog build a big-headed Guy Gardner robot (or it's just a simple Ice Capades costume. But why bother Kilowog if it wasn't something high tech?) and convinces the Ice Capades manager to let it go on in celebration of members of the Justice League being in the audience. The scheme works to humiliate Guy, especially when the robot skater's trousers drop to expose his boxers with hearts on them (pretty sure those are canon pants for Guy, by the way). Guy's anger and embarrassment build until he lets out a tremendous scream and then goes practically catatonic. Like after his mishap with Hal's Green Lantern battery that gave him the brain damage! I don't mean he falls into a coma which is why I said "practically catatonic." His face just remains twisted in anger, his fists permanently in claws, and he stops speaking.

There were some previous panels which really highlighted Guy's traumatic state but those didn't have Fire's tits in them.

J'onn should boot Blue Beetle from the team after this. He endangered everybody in Madison Square Garden for his dumb prank. I'm amazed Guy didn't use the most powerful weapon in the universe to wipe the minds of everybody in the arena! Hell, I'm surprised he didn't accidentally kill them all in a huge anger explosion. You might think, "Isn't that reason to suspend Guy from the team? The fact you think he's capable of that?" But then every powerful hero is capable of losing their shit and causing trouble! It's like the main plot of every Superman Elseworld story (and every other Superman story in current continuity!). But Guy is a real hero and keeps his shit calm. Blue Beetle should be kicked off the team for creating a hostile work environment (especially since he's doing it out of work hours!).

At the end of the night, Kilowog and Beetle go a bit too far and stash the big-headed Guy Gardner in Guy's bed. Already in the mood to kill, Guy gets pushed over the edge. His ring lets him know who created this thing and so he goes to beat the shit out of both of them. Nobody comes to his defense because everybody knows Guy is the hot-headed asshole. Orion even heads up to beat the shit out of Guy because, well, obviously Guy is the problem. He's an arrogant hot-tempered narcissist who talks a lot of shit. I get why Blue Beetle would like to knock him down a peg. And I get why Orion would simply assume Guy is the issue. But ultimately, if this is the way the League acts when they're not on a mission, maybe it's time to call the whole thing quits.

Oberon, who had been considering leaving although Max begged him to reconsider, ultimately decides to leave the Justice League for good due to the chaos. He also blames Guy. I can't say this Justice League would be better off without Guy's personality in the mix but they still need his power. That's why Blue Beetle, the ineffectual twat, should be kicked off the team! Nobody needs stupid pranks, especially when they're targeted at the most violent person on the team. Max and J'onn really should understand that Guy needs some serious therapy to deal with his past trauma. It's sad that we won't see a really good handling of Guy Gardner for another 25 years when Charles Soule will show how great a character he can be in Red Lanterns.

I guess if Oberon is leaving then that means Mister Miracle isn't coming back either. So they've replaced Booster Gold and Mister Miracle with Lightray and Orion. Who will replace the New Gods when the joke of a couple of New Gods being on the Justice League runs out of steam? Because I don't see them being on the team for the long haul. Anyway, a decent issue where not much happens which seems to be the state of things in Justice League comic books recently.

Justice League America #45 Rating: B. I don't know who did what art because I ultimately didn't pay that much attention to the differences because Russell Braun and John Beatty's art was more than satisfactory (some of the males could be a bit jowly with weirdly proportioned faces but overall it was pleasant to look at). Unlike the first date in a previous issue, this date ends with Ice and Guy having gotten much closer (even if Guy finally loses his temper at the end of the night. I'm pretty sure the date is officially over by then so Ice has to forgive him for killing Ted Kord and Kilowog).

Justice League America #44 (November 1990)

Probably?

Over in Justice League Europe, they just had the fight of their entire careers against theme park automatons. Here in Justice League America, they're about to get their asses kicked by a failed journalist using a bunch of weapons with which he's never practiced. I'm beginning to think that maybe these heroes are fucking terrible at their jobs.

Is being a super hero a job? How much does Max Lord pay them? Do they have every kind of insurance imaginable? Do they get time off? Are they on call 24/7 in case of a dire threat from space? Couldn't Superman just do all of their jobs for them? Does the JLA have a lawyer to sue the Titans for ruining the reputations of every other hero by destroying New York once a month in a familial dispute? I'm probably the only one who would pay for a comic book that answers these questions which is why there are no comic books that answer these questions.

This issue is called "Pastiche." That's a word that means "I don't have my own style as an artist so I'll use some other artist's style which the audience will appreciate because they're familiar with it and thus they'll give me all the lauds and moneys imaginable." In the context of this story, it means Tortolini will be using the villainous items of several other C-list super-villains to become a C-list super-villain of his own.

Now that I've learned the word "pastiche," I'm beginning to realize that I wasted the last ten years blogging in my own style which isn't easily consumed by an Internet audience who mostly just appreciate memes and gifs of things they've seen before. People appreciate familiarity so much that they all love catch phrases and gifs of Jim looking into the camera. When a person reads something new, they can't tell if they like it until they find out if other people like it. And since other people can't know if they like it until a majority of people like it, it's really hard for something to wind up likable by a general audience. Which is to say, I fucked up! My blog should have been all "That's what she saids!" and "Ay carambas!" I'm such an idiot! D'ohf!

See?! Wally and J.M. DeMatteis know what's what! This is hilarious because it's an iconic line from that movie that everybody knows!

Hopefully all of Wally's lines will be as iconic as that previous line by that really famous actor! So famous! So iconic! It's really pulled me into the story because I feel comfortable with art that I've previously consumed!

Yes! Yes! Oh my God! I know that line too!

This must be why AI-written material goes over so well with everybody! Because it's all sourced from previously written human sources! So when you read something by AI, your brain is going, "Oh yes! The sweet familiarity of recycled material!" Even when it's written much more poorly, it still feeds that part of the brain which loves to know that it knows things! Most of the brain hates when it encounters something it isn't familiar with because that means learning is about to happen and learning can mean change! And change is so scary! Better to just hear the same joke repeated over and over again! Brozinga!

All this talk of people who like dumb things repeated constantly who think AI will replace artists has made me think of Twitter Blue subscribers. Holy fuck they must be the dumbest people in the entire world! And I'm not saying that because I'm biased! I'm saying that based on the evidence! Go into the comment section of any trending tweet on Twitter and read all of the top replies. Then come back here and apologize to me for thinking that I was just hating on people subscribing to Twitter Blue! They all say the same dumb fucking joke (if they say anything at all other than a one to three word comment acknowledging that they read the tweet). You won't find one hilarious or witty reply in the Blue Check replies! Not one! I'd stake my mother's life on it!

Ha ha! Now he's referencing an old science fiction television show that everybody knows!

Anybody who doesn't say Picard was the best captain of all the Star Trek shows obviously aren't judging it by whose voice they'd want to hear say, "Make it so," when you say to them, "I need to suck your dick so badly!" And, yes, I'd probably say that to Janeway too! She'd know what I meant because it's the future and everybody is super cool in the future. I'd say that and she'd just whip out her vagina and say, "I'm not familiar with anything Captain Janeway says."

Oh! Oh! My God, my brain can hardly handle any more of these references! He was going to say, "That's the ticket!"

As he leaves his apartment, Wally gets jumped by the men in black who followed him from The Dark Side bar at the end of the previous issue. At first he tries to surrender, believing they're FBI. But once they reveal they're just a bunch of bad guys trying to get the secrets in his JLA notebook, he flips the fuck out and beats the shit out of them with his new gadgets. The old, bald, white guy who sent them decides Wally isn't worth going after a second time and heads over to Justice League Europe #22 to start some shit in the old world. I only know that because of an editor's note and not because I remember who this asshole is from reading this thirty years ago.

Meanwhile, day drinking at The Dark Side because they're terrible at crime and gambling sit the villains who basically lost their gadgets to Wally.

How come I, the reader, was the only one to know it was a bad idea to bet the gadgets that comprise their entire identities?

The villains hear a news report stating that they've all been identified as combatants in a nearby riot which doesn't actually make any sense but what do I care? I'm used to making up details to explain away things that don't make a lot of sense. It's the main thing reading comic books teaches you! Here, I suppose, some fan of C-list villains was passing by when he heard the sounds made by all the gadgets of those villains without actually witnessing the battle and instantly ran to a pay phone to phone the local news and report all of the villains who he identified by noise! Yeah, that'll do.

The Justice League aren't currently watching the news which is the way they usually learn about a crime being committed. Instead, they're just sitting around playing games. Guy Gardner and Lightray are playing chess (although I suspect Lightray will soon find out Guy has mixed up chess with checkers). Blue Beetle and Fire are playing "Billiards but with your left tit hanging out."

Most sports are just sex simulators where you use a stick to get an object into a hole.

Chess simulates war and billiards simulates sex which is why I love watching snooker so much! It's like two guys going at it in a fancy room on a velvet-lined bed of debauchery! Plus all the cigars! So much oral!

Of course, Guy does think he's playing checkers which would really offend me if I were a professional checkers player because it's not the kid's game everybody thinks it is. I mean, it is a game you can teach kids because it's such a simple concept. I guess that's the point then! Guy is simple! Also he's uncultured because only uncouth simpletons don't know how to play chess! Or they kind of know how to play chess but call the knight "the horsey" and the bishop "the pointy guy."

Guy storms off when the rules are explained to him, spouting a bunch of xenophobic nonsense as he goes. He heads into the monitor room to tattle on Lightray and Orion when he discovers the news that there are a bunch of criminals to beat up.

How could the computer know the Cavalier was one of the rioters?! His sword isn't magical or composed of any technology?! Did it just analyze the sound of the swishing blade?!

I'm sorry! I lost my mind for a second there. Obviously the Justice League computer was fed the information from police scanners that a disturbance was taking place on a particular block in the city. The satellite then scanned the area and discovered through a spectrum analysis of materials in the area signatures for the different super-villain gadgets on file in the Justice League databanks. Easy peasy!

Because so many super-villains seem to be at the scene of the disturbance, Martian Manhunter sends the entire Justice League to put a stop to it. But before the Justice League can get there, the super-villains whose gadgets Wally won in the poker game turn up. Because watching the local news always trumps having a super computer spew out information. The JLA computer must rely on second-hand information from local broadcasts.

The super-villains take all of their gadgets from Wally just in time for the Justice League to arrive and believe they were correct in their assessment of the situation. And since they're the good guys, why would they ever believe they were wrong about anything? Plus, their computer told them what was happening and the great thing about technology is that it only makes things better and tells things like they are without bias! Obviously these super-villains were rioting and now they must pay the price! That price is getting elbowed in the throat while a hero says a quote the readers can recognize from popular culture!

That's the line! The one from the movie where Butch Cassidy eats all the eggs!

The villains are all easily captured, probably because they didn't expect to have the Justice League drop down on them the moment they reclaimed their gadgets. Martian Manhunter takes care of Sonar all by himself this time by approaching from above (probably while invisible because, remember, J'onn has every super power except fire-resistance) and using his telekinesis to take Sonar's magnet gun. None of the Justice League wind up knocked out like on the cover because comic book covers are totally fucking lies.

Tortolini, witnessing the beating, decides to give J'onn his notebook full of secrets and change the direction of his life by becoming a comic book writer. Was this whole arc just Keith Giffen's origin story?

Justice League America #44 Rating: B. Now that I've been re-introduced to Adam Hughes' art, I just want all of my comic books to be drawn by Adam Hughes. Well, not all of them, I guess. I don't want his art to replace Val Semeiks or Darik Robertson or Moritat or Chris Bachalo. I wonder if I can commission Adam Hughes to just redraw all the old comic books I'm going to review in the future with art that I don't find pleasing? I should do a GoFundMe campaign! And while I'm at it, maybe I can pay Alan Moore to rewrite all of The New 52 Red Hood comics! Or even better, pay Ann Nocenti to rewrite everything so that I can enjoy reviewing her complete and utter nonsense! How do billionaires not do shit like this?! Don't they realize how much fun they could have with their money?! Why must they all insist on using it to purchase gaudy material items and to buy rare collectibles and to influence powerful people and to buy islands where they can do human trafficking for other rich assholes?! I don't doubt I would do weird shit with my money if I had that much but it certainly wouldn't be all the typical bullshit unimaginative rich people tend to spend it on. A garden full of statues of evil dictators? Um, no way. Welcome to my garden of 24 hour live action Sailor Scouts making vanilla pudding!

Justice League America #43 (October 1990)

Why is the cyborg agent from Appleseed in the background?

I would not sit down to play poker at a table with a guy wearing that headgear. He's obviously reading minds. Unless it's a bluff and he's trying to throw me off my game by not thinking about the cards in my hand! Or he is reading minds, knows that I'll try to not think about my cards by thinking sexy thoughts, and he's only here to jerk off to my sexy thoughts! Whatever the case, I'd never play poker against that pervert.

This issue begins with Sonar robbing a bank instead of trying to take over the world or get revenge against Green Lantern. Those are the thoughts he's having because he gets it! Why would a super-villain invite trouble by actively attacking super heroes? Why would a super-villain commit war crimes trying to gain power when they live in the same world as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aqua...no, no. I named all the powerful heroes already. This must be the comic book all those Comics-Gaters keep talking about when they talk about how comic books used to not be woke. This one, single comic book. See? The villain is robbing banks and that's something no Comics-Gater would ever do so it doesn't make it seem like the Comics-Gaters are the equivalent of bad guys! Not like that fucking Spotlight on Teen Titans: Starfire comic book that was all, "Apartheid is bad! Look at how mean the white colonialists are being to the native Africans!" And the would-be Comics-Gaters of the 80s who couldn't get on the Internet and instead had to write terrible letters exposing their true selves were all, "How dare you politically correct comics creators judge people by the color of their white skin and also by their racism?! That person could be me and I'm not a bad guy!" Of course, modern complaints that comic books are now woke when comic books have always been about social justice simply exposes what they really mean: "There are too many POC and women heroes these days!" Obviously they wouldn't say "POC" and they'd say "female heroes" instead of "women heroes." But you understand what I'm saying!

Okay, now that all the Comics-Gaters have left the chat, I can stop being serious and start telling some really hilarious dick jokes! You have to clear the room of the cockroaches before you can enjoy yourself because who wants a cockroach hearing one of your great dick jokes?! I hate when I accidentally entertain a conservative or a bigot (I know, I know. I'm repeating myself. I already said, "Cockroach.").

Good thing I noticed that his gun was a tuning fork before I wrote an angry three-page essay asking why Sonar uses a magnet as a gun.

I've been really, really, really, really, really slowly reading Pynchon's Against the Day and learning all sorts of things about waves although, being stupid, I don't understand most of it. But I think a magnet and a tuning fork essentially do the same thing but different somehow. Just like light and electricity! It's all waves, baby!

Sonar, being a terrible C-list villain because Geoff Johns hasn't thought of a creative way to make him the most powerful villain ever yet (at least, I don't think he has?), walks out of the bank directly into Orion because there was a silent alarm. That's pretty funny, right? Sonar is the master of sound and so he's caught by something that can't be heard! That should have been one of the lines in Alanis's song.

Sonar does manage to drop Orion, Lightray, and Martian Manhunter with his sonic gun because have you ever had vertigo? I haven't but I have been drunk so that's probably the same thing and, let me tell you, I certainly couldn't punch a guy in the face while suffering from the spins. I'm not sure why Martian Manhunter, upon seeing Sonar was the villain, didn't change the shape of his inner ear immediately but I guess that's why nobody ever says, "Martian Manhunter is my favorite hero!" Unless you're one of those ultra-nerds who claims Wedge Antilles is your favorite Star Wars character. I'd like to say that I'm smarter than Martian Manhunter because I thought up the "change the shape of the inner ear" trick but actually I'm just smarter than Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. And that's nothing to brag about! Unless it is? Those guys are probably pretty smart. They probably realized Martian Manhunter could do that as well but were all, "That wouldn't work for the story we're telling! But we're writing to comic book fans so they won't even realize J'onn made a tactical blunder here!"

Anyway, Sonar manages to evade being instantly captured thanks to his Sonic Wave Gun disabling two New Gods and one of the most powerful characters in the DC Universe. Did Geoff Johns write this?

Now I just feel sorry for Sonar, the little band-uniform wearing nerd.

Imagine your self-confidence being this non-existent and yet still being able to leave your house to rob a bank. If only Sonar could see himself through my eyes! He's to be admired! He just wants to do an honest day's work robbing one single bank so that he can retire and not cause anybody any more anguish. He didn't even harm anybody at the bank (unless he made them all deaf. I don't know exactly how his magnet gun works).

The Justice League chase Sonar past Wally Tortolini, the man who wrote the article revealing all of their secret identities that no magazine would print because Crimson Fox (being a major publisher in her secret identity) blackballed him. Hoping that a different story about the Justice League (like maybe one where he witnesses them beat the shit out of some poor C-list villain) might turn his career around (and blaming the Justice League for his current woes), he chases after the chase to get the scoop.

Martian Manhunter bringing the Don Draper energy.

Was J'onn J'onzz a big shot advertising agent on Mars? "It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. Oreos."

Martian Manhunter gets stunned by Sonar's sonic gun again! Again, J'onn?! How the fuck did you not change the shape of your inner ear after the first time?! You're putting citizens at risk being this terrible at fighting villains! And because Martian Manhunter fucks up, Sonar gets a chance to fire his gun at full power, shattering all the windows along the block and sending down a deadly rain of razor sharp glass! Everybody is sure to die now unless Giffen and DeMatteis know what the fuck Lightray's powers are.

That's it? Fucking useless.

Fire mostly saves the day with an assist from Orion. Martian Manhunter does fuck all. Possibly because he finally did that inner ear thing and couldn't hear the shattering glass or the warnings about the deadly shrapnel. Or he just doesn't give a fuck if two dozen humans die, the giant green prick.

Sonar's rain of glass distraction enables him to get away with the help of Wally Tortolini. That Tortolini guy really has it in for the Justice League for some reason. He should be angry at the magazines who won't publish his article, not angry at the subject of that article. The guy is dumb enough to become a C-list super villain. Hint, hint!

Back at the Justice League Embassy, Blue Beetle laughs in Martian Manhunter, Orion, and Lightray's faces. That's because he's not yet familiar with Orion's penchant for punching people in the face at the slightest provocation.

See?! See?! Change the fucking shape of it, you shapeshifter you!

Blue Beetle quickly regrets his mocking laughter when he learns about Orion's penchant for punching people in the face at the slightest provocation. Except this time, Orion decides to choke the shit out of the provocateur. Nobody moves in to stop him, probably because Blue Beetle deserved it a little bit. But not only does nobody point out that maybe the new member of the League shouldn't be committing attempted murder against an old member of the League, Guy Gardner applauds Orion's efforts. For some reason, even that pisses off Orion but at least it stops him from killing Beetle. Hopefully Beetle remembers that Guy just saved his life.

Sonar takes Wally to a place called The Dark Side. It's like a Hooters for super-villains. Wally suggests writing an article from the super-villains' point of view but I suspect Sonar just wants to use him for his notebook full of the secret identities of the Justice League. Not that it would be any more difficult to kill Ted Kord as Blue Beetle! But I suppose the notepad with all the secret knowledge has its uses. Like matching the bets of all the super-villains when they throw in the items that give them their super powers during a game of poker! Which Wally wins, allowing him to walk away with The Cavalier's sword, Crowbar's crowbar, Blackrock's power stone, Black Mass's wristbands, Sonar's tuning-fork gun, and Brainstorm's helmet. C-list super-villains are idiots! They all just lost their livelihoods!

Wally takes his haul and goes off to figure out what to call himself when he uses his winnings to become another C-list super-villain. He's followed out of The Dark Side by a mysterious figure who wants to get their hands on the secrets of the Justice League. Which means Wally should wind up dead in an alley at the start of next issue but that's obviously not going to happen. We need a ridiculous story where this guy nearly defeats the Justice League with his new toys first!

Justice League America #43 Rating: A-. The story was average as far as superhero stories go but it was fun and entertaining as far as Laurel and Hardy movies go. Plus Adam Hughes' art raises the overall grade by at least one letter grade, if not two. I might have to read the issue again just to immunize myself against looking at Bart Sears' art in the next Justice League Europe comic book.

Justice League America #40 (July 1990)

Why are they all walking away?! It's Mister Miracle! He's bound to appear in an explosion of smoke any second now!

You don't know for absolute certain that I couldn't stop looking at Ice's ass on that cover.

Here's how comic books work across the decades: a fondly remembered comic book series eventually gets some kind of reboot several years later. The creative team working on the reboot remember the things they loved about it and try to recreate those things. But inevitably, they just ramp up the pace and make it far less effective. So the initial run of the Justice League ran for 261 issues until the team was broken beyond repair. A few years after that, this Giffen and DeMatteis run began. It was goofy and charming and silly with little real threat, a modern throw back to the fun adventures of the golden age characters where the villains were never an existential threat, often just some tarted up dumb-dumb trying to rob a bank or rule the world (but through goofy tricks rather than excess violence!). Eventually, remembering how things got desperate and depressing in the final few years of the original Justice League run, Giffen and DeMatteis begin to crank up the threat. Here we see the first casualty of this ramping up the danger: automaton Mister Miracle. In just a year or so, it will all come to a smashingly serious head with Breakdowns. The same kind of arc as Volume One of the Justice League's 261 issues but in 50 issues.

And just to show how this trend continues across time, we get another incarnation of the Justice League (not the next because Grant Morrison's JLA was something a bit different and more spectacular, incorporating modern dangers but against the most powerful DC heroes. We'll get to that in a few years!) in The New 52 which takes the same formula and winds up at a complete and utter breakdown of the team in just twelve issues.

And at only 20 pages per issue, you barely even care about whoever the fuck died here!

Judging by the statue, it was Rocket Red so that's probably why I barely remember it. Oh no! A Rocket Red died! The needle on my emotionometer jiggled less an old man's penis in the mouth of a willing prostitute. Not that I know anything about that! I used my imagination for that metaphor!

My first thought upon seeing this cover with Mister Miracle's grave (and I had more than one so numbering them seems appropriate!) was, "Didn't they do an autopsy?" But then I remembered he died when Despero blew up the ship he was piloting. So his robot pieces probably just mixed with space ship pieces and everybody believed his body was disintegrated. Which just shows how much they think he fucking sucks at the one thing he's supposed to be super capable at: escaping. If I were Mister Miracle, I'd be fucking pissed. "Why wouldn't you think I made a miraculous escape when you didn't find my body?! It's right there in my fucking name, you assholes!" I'd fucking quit the League and go see if Darkseid needed any help destroying the League.

You don't want to know my second and third thoughts because they had to do with Ice's ass. We'll ignore my fourth thoughts too. You guessed it: Fire's ass.

This issue begins where the last issue left off: the Justice League getting their very fine asses handed to them by the naked and angry alien, Despero. Now they're all just hoping J'onn comes along to do that mind trick to Despero where J'onn enables Despero to live out the dream of killing the Justice League in a forced telepathic fantasy. Then Despero will simply go away and never, ever come back to Earth ever again ever. Certainly no writer could come up with a way to make Despero realize he didn't actually get to kill the Justice League, right?!

Aw. Despero's hate is simply fueled by envy! He wants to fit in and be loved!

It's been many years since the above panel so now I have to wonder: has any writer done a John Gardner-esque version of Despero? Or has there been a Broadway play where we're forced to empathize with Despero because the songs are so well written? I think it would work because I feel bad for him just from that single panel!

oh no beetle is dead oh no tragedy

That caption was me acting sarcastic because I know Beetle isn't actually dead and not being sarcastic because I'm glad Beetle is dead.

Maybe Blue Beetle was never shot in the head at all! Maybe Martian Manhunter just used this same trick on Max Lord! And then Blue Beetle quietly retired because being a superhero is hard and painful and why would anybody do it when they don't have to, especially when they don't have super powers? Beetle could easily have gotten rich being the Lucius Fox for some other rich dumb-dumb playing superhero.

oh no martian manhunter is dead oh no tragedy

That was me being sarcastic because I'm glad that sanctimonious bastard is dead.

Okay, fine, he's not dead and I wouldn't be happy about it if he was. J'onn is a pretty cool character. I wonder if 18-year-old me was fooled by this telepathic murder fantasy? Probably! He was so stupid!

I just remember that in a past comic book review, I threatened to start publishing old poems and other stories from when I was much, much younger! I think 18-year-old me was a treasure trove of terrible heavy metal songs! Just the lyrics, of course! Why would I have learned to play music?! So difficult!

Despero snuffs out Fire in one clap of his hands and then walks past Ice having a sexy dream while napping.

Oh the vulgar captions I wrote out and deleted before this one!

Hopefully nobody tells me that Ice really looks hurt in the above panels because I don't need to know that I'm the one who has a serious problem and it's not the way comic book artists draw hurt women at all! I don't need to suddenly know, at fifty, that, with a little more ambition, I might be a serial killer.

Despero dreams he destroys the entire Earth leaving him with a sense of peace and contentment. Being that he was mostly already dead except for the hate which kept him alive, this allows him to shrink back down into non-existence. Martian Manhunter has saved the day by hypnotizing Despero and convincing him to revert to a tiny little space fetus.

Oh he's adorable!

I wonder which one of the League is going to eat Despero? I'd put him in a bottle of tequila and call it Hate. I bet he'd be so delicious!

After the fight, it's time to attend to Scott Free's funeral because, as I pointed out, everybody fucking believes he was disintegrated rather than harbor the hope that he did what he does best. These fucking people.

The priest, in his overblown eulogy, comes closest to possibly suggesting that Scott escaped the tragedy. But even he is all, "Yeah, no, the guy is toast! But he's more free than ever! God is so good! Thank you for killing us, God!"

The issue ends on a number of scenes where everybody gets to be sad and angry and not-ridiculous for once. Guy even acts human as he offers Ice a shoulder to cry on. I mean, obviously everybody reading that scene believes he's just trying to get in her pants. But in offering to listen, Guy simply talks. Because Guy can't express his feelings, he has to project them onto Ice. And Ice understands that he needs her more than she needs him.

In another scene, Batman yells at Superman because Batman is a gigantic dick who has never learned how to deal with his grief. And Booster Gold is too sad to make money! And Max Lord doesn't have time to mourn because he needs to get some stronger members on the team. Luckily for him, Scott Free's "brother," Orion, has come to the funeral to connect with his dead brother and maybe try to better himself. Probably by joining the League!

Oh yeah, and Barda punches the fuck out of Maxwell Lord who somehow survives. She also doesn't seem to believe her husband could have pulled off a last second escape! Too bad Oberon isn't around to tell call everybody fucking idiots. But that's because he's on space tour with the actual, non-robotic Mister Miracle.

Justice League America #40 Rating: A-. I like how Martian Manhunter defeated Despero with his telepathy although it was much more than that. It was a once-in-a-lifetime spiritual gift that one Martian can give to another Martian to make a fantasy seem more like reality. I guess they usually use it to have one unmatchable session of sex. But J'onn had to waste it on taming Despero's hate. It had to be a one-off Martian trick so that readers don't ask, every time there's a huge threat, "Why doesn't J'onn do that Mayahavanana thing?!" It was also nice to see a writer give Guy a human moment! Sure, if you hate Guy, you can write it off as him wanting to get in Ice's chilly pants. But it's a really carefully constructed scene and I thought it was perfect. Especially the way Ice realizes Guy is looking for consolation rather than giving it. The only thing that could have been better was the damage to Max's face and head after Barda slugged him. Nobody should be able to take a sucker punch from Barda! That fucker should be dead.

Justice League America #39 (June 1990)

"I'm looking at an alien who can turn intangible being choked out by another alien so I'm guessing it's a sexual kink."

Last issue, Despero let everybody know just how full of hate he was and how he was channeling it into destroying the Justice League. I wonder if this story arc was inspired by all the letters the art team was receiving from fans who couldn't stand the wacky slapstick adventures of the new Justice League? It's perfect! Despero becomes the metaphor for the angry fans and by introducing Despero into a Justice League plot, the comic book becomes super serious, hopefully calming the irate fans who, if you had to admit, were probably getting inordinately angry about a four color funny magazine. I'd like to suggest the 90s were better because fans were angry that a comic book wasn't being serious enough as opposed to the 21st century where fans are angry if a comic book has too many Black characters and women but I've got a feeling the anger all stems from the same basic issue. I'm not going to get into what that issue might be because people who haven't had sex yet can get a bit touchy about the issue I'm not discussing but you might have ferreted it out in a clue somewhere in this sentence. It's not their fault society puts so much pressure on the issue! It's society's fault for not allowing a legal outlet in which these people can solve their dilemma!

DC and Marvel should open up super-hero themed brothels in Las Vegas and Reno is an idea I just came up with out of the blue and has nothing to do with a thing I wasn't mentioning in the previous paragraph! I bet they'd make more money than they make with their big dumb action movies! I mean, I'd probably fuck somebody dressed like King Shark. Also I could have left out "probably" in that last sentence.

Gypsy's leg is broken and her family and entire hometown have been killed but she's still got time for a KEKW when J'onn arrives.

In my write-up of Justice League America #38, I mentioned The Trolley Problem without referring to The Last of Us season finale nor this dream I had thirteen years ago. Cabin in the Woods is also relevant to this discussion in that The Trolley Problem almost always uses anonymous people as an example: do you let the trolley run over the people who are about to get run over anyway or do you, the only one in power for some reason, divert the trolley to run over one person. Because as my dream and The Last of Us and Cabin in the Woods indicate, no matter how correct the philosophical opinion that the greater good is worth more than the individual, a lot of us are still willing to let the fucking world burn if it means harm comes to somebody we love. This might not have anything to do with this current issue of the comic book so I'd better figure out how to make it relevant in the next paragraph.

Batman, we know, is of the opinion that if the trolley is going to run over a bunch of people and the only way to stop it is to divert it over less people, Batman would do nothing. If he did something, somebody could point out that he was responsible for killing somebody and not ever taking the blame for killing somebody is his whole schtick! Sure, people could blame him for all the other deaths but he has logic on his side to defend those deaths: he didn't put the trolley in motion! Here we see Martian Manhunter is willing to kill Despero to save lives. So Martian Manhunter would absolutely divert the trolley. Which is good because Batman would just be all, "Choo choo! Despero trolley coming through! Nothing I can do to stop it because I don't kill!" No wonder Jason Todd was so pissed at Batman! The fucking Joker Trolley has been running people over for decades and Batman is just all, "Hey! I occasionally divert it into Arkham but is it my fault Arkham is just a roundhouse where the Joker Trolley comes barreling out in a random direction on tracks just full of tied up Gothamites?! I say no, sir!"

Looks like my comparison to Batman was also on the mind of the writing team.

J'onn tries to battle Despero on two fronts: punching him and telling him all about how love is better than hate. Neither one works because Despero's hate and strength are infinite and also because love was invented by Hallmark to sell more greeting cards. Despero only battles on one front and that front is hatred coming out of his "third eye" which has the power to send J'onn into a catatonic state as he gets trapped in a memory. Also "third eye" is not a euphemism for Despero's pee hole.

J'onn trapped in a fantasy of his dead wife covered in Oreos.

Guy Gardner arrives just in time to save Gypsy's life by putting a green bubble around Despero's "third eye" (again, not a euphemism. He has a literal third eye in his forehead). Despero's "third eye" splooges all over itself, temporarily blinding him and saving Gypsy from a life of being sent links to the "Gypsy gets third eye bukaked by Despero" pornhub videos.

Seriously. This was a close one! So gross.

You know what? I changed my mind after seeing that panel. Despero's "third eye" absolutely is his pee hole.

Guy Gardner launches Despero into the air and fly off to become somebody else's problem after which he immediately begins to sexually harass Gypsy using love lessons he probably learned from Hal Jordan.

For a second there, I was worried that Gerard Jones was writing this issue.

The reason I was worried is because if the writer were somebody who has been convicted of possessing and distributing child pornography then Guy Gardner's dialogue would be an absolute projection of the author. But since it's DeMatteis and he has never been convicted of that kind of thing, I can assume that DeMatteis, like most writers at DC, simply hate Guy Gardner so much that they don't mind portraying him as a possible pederast. I mean, why not? They've already got Deathstork the Terminator and Hal Jordan!

Whenever I point out that Deathstork is a pedophile, the Deathstork fandom comes out in force to tell me I'm a fucking idiot and a piece of shit and don't know fucking anything. Whenever I point out that Hal Jordan is a pedophile, Hal Jordan fans simply say, "We don't talk about Arisia." But I, being a real comic book fan, don't pick and choose what's canon! I don't make any excuses for terrible writing by creating logic pretzels to justify why a character did something I don't like. I suppose if Deathstork and Jordan fans wanted to destroy me in some kind of debate where they take the side of a pedophile, they could point out that I'm being a bit hyperbolic because it's not like those characters are attracted to toddlers! They just like to fuck young girls! And while I would be fine conceding that point to them and letting them win that debate, it's a bit of a rough argument to embrace.

I should also point out, before somebody throws it in my face, that I was being facetious about being a "real comic book fan" and that I don't "pick and choose what's canon" because I will defend Lobo to the death and absolutely explain away Cullen Bunn's run on Lobo for The New 52! It was a wet nightmare! Or it was a Lobo clone and not the real Lobo (which is what they should have done but I don't think they ever did but if they did, it was my idea after reading Lobo #1 during Villain's Month! Probably!). Also, if somebody points out Lobo is a pedophile (and he might be although I can't provide any examples immediately), I'd just point out that he genocided his entire race and, at that point, pointing out he's a pedophile is like trying to shame a serial killer for jaywalking.

Guy Gardner acts like a total scumbag until Gypsy and J'onn convince him that Despero has just murdered a ton of people and needs to be stopped. At that point, Guy begins to see the need to help although he paints it as an opportunity to get revenge for Gypsy's folks. He flies off to almost certainly get his ass handed to him. But at least he does it for the right reasons! I mean, not the revenge thing! Guy's mouth likes to create a reality that paints him as a gigantic misogynist blowhard when really he wants justice! Or he wants to be the gun wielded by justice for the barest of righteous reasons! And, really, what's the difference between being a hero and a vigilante as long as the ends are the same? Bah, don't talk to me about the means! This world is fucking garbage! Means are a luxury few people can afford!

I pause my defense of morally dubious characters for this shot of Ice's ass.

Okay, now that I've won you all back to my side with some cheesecake and you've forgotten how much I like Guy and Lobo, it's time find out what Despero is up to!

Oh isn't that cute? He's doing young Jason Voorhees impressions!

Despero tackles Guy Gardner into midtown Manhattan to pre-enact the battle between Doomsday and Superman in the upcoming Death of Superman but at lower stakes. Does anybody care if any of this Justice League are killed by Despero? Especially Mister Miracle's robot replacement! Obviously he's going to be destroyed. Just ask Red Tornado how many times he's been killed and how many comic books he's been in. It's pretty much 1 to 1.

Despero knocks out Ice by accident. Then he mind blasts Guy Gardner with his pee hole. After that, he psychically blasts Fire so that she passes out from terror. Finally, it's just him and Blue Beetle (because Robot Scott Free is flying the JLA shuttle).

Smartest character in the JLA: eats Oreos. Second smartest character in the JLA: can't say anything serious. I must be a fucking genius!

I'm surprised Despero doesn't snap Beetle's neck on accident just picking him up by the throat. Despero must have a very gentle and loving touch! Why is he so angry?! Maybe he's too sensitive and that's why he's constantly jizzing out of his third eye! But would creaming my jeans every time somebody touched me fill me with hate? I suspect not! Perhaps Despero's word for "orgasm" is our word for "hatred"? Therefore Despero thinks he's filled with infinite hatred when actually he's just constantly cumming.

Robot Mister Miracle save Beetle's life but pays the ultimate price if the ultimate price is "just another android being destroyed by the bad guy for some free comic book gravitas." At least Mister Miracle's death is dramatic irony because nobody has been trying to fool the readers that it's the real Scott Free. Only Blue Beetle actually thinks Mister Miracle has died. Although that merely proves that Blue Beetle isn't all that smart because the main thing about Mister Miracle is that he can escape anything! Sure, not this time! But then nobody guaranteed that his robot double would be a super escape artist! He's just a barely acceptable stand-in!

Blue Beetle will have to wait to die next issue (no, next issue is not Countdown to Infinite Crisis! He's not really going to die next issue but I wanted to play up the possibility!). J'onn doesn't realize his team has just been destroyed because he's currently acting as Gypsy's emotional support Martian. But he has a plan! His plan is to use his telepathy to make Despero think he's murdered the entire Justice League and then, I don't know, stick him in cryogenic chamber in the Fortress of Solitude?

Justice League America #39 Rating: A. See? This version of the Justice League can be all the things at once! It's serious and dangerous and funny and misogynistic and emotional and full of the most enjoyable male-gaze moments! Fire and Ice are such a welcome addition to the team! One way you know the Justice League comic is about to get super serious and deadly is if the villain they're fighting has a name which ends with an "o". It's a huge clue and probably why Lobo was named Lobo! Because he's such a huge threat!

Justice League America #38 (May 1990)

The Justice League are defeated by 1/3 of Despero.

Is this a Despero issue? It's too early for Breakdowns though, right? And if it is Despero, wasn't it Despero who destroyed the previous incarnation of the Justice League? If only I could remember any DC history, imagine what an amazing comic book reviewer slash historian slash pervert I would be! Instead all I remember are stupid jokes Phil Newby told me in elementary school and how many boners I got from New Titans issues.

Speaking of being a pervert, I began wondering if I would have masturbated to this image of Ice back in February/March of 1990 (the cover says May but remember that comic books were pre-dated by a couple of months for super duper economic complex reasons that mostly had to do with old men running newsstands and throwing out any magazine whose cover date had past. Hmm. Was that complex?) and I don't think I would have. Pornographic imagery was difficult to come by for young people in the pre-Internet era so you'd be surprised at the porn I jerked it to. Like a young person on the frontier in the mid-1800s, I sometimes drew my own porn. And it wasn't graphic or well done! But I also had my go-to if I was desperate: the succubus entry in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. This one of Ice is pretty good but by March 1990, I was almost not a virgin! So you wouldn't have caught me jerking off to the cover of a lousy comic book! I was almost a man!

Now y'all better calm down before you ratchet that "Tess is a gigantic pervert dial" all the way up to ten! It's not my fault that artists constantly draw women getting knocked into comas as super sexy! If you saw Ice separated from the context of this cover, you'd just think she was lying on a bed while somebody buzzed a remote control vibrator in her pants! Show me one panel of an unconscious female superhero who doesn't simply look like she's just had a massive orgasm and I'll quit doing comic book reviews! Of course, I'll be the final arbiter on it and I think every drawing of a woman looks like she's having an orgasm! Mostly because I don't know what a woman having an orgasm looks like.

This issue begins with a few pages from Spy! Magazine. That's because the person who was going through the Justice League garbage cans is a journalist for that fake magazine. Or at least the fake version of what is probably a real magazine!

This is unfair! They often fight bad guys. The problem is the bad guys are almost always directing their crimes specifically against the Justice League. So they're only saving themselves.

The article written for Spy! outs all of the members of the Justice League, which would reveal their secret identities to the public if it wound up being published. In the article's terrible treatment of Guy Gardner, in which they make the most base assumptions on evidence that simply points to Guy being a guy, they reveal a bill from a sanitarium where Guy Gardner spent seven years in a coma. You know, because of the brain damage he received from Hal Jordan's faulty Green Lantern battery! And yet nobody treats Guy with any sympathy due to his brain trauma! And yet they all kiss Hal Jordan's ass even though Hal Jordan was the one who fucked Guy in the skull! Hopefully the rest of the League read this article and realize how terribly they've been treating poor Guy. They should be ashamed! Especially Batman for punching a brain-damaged man in the head! Even though, technically, it was Guy banging his head on the underside of the Justice League computer desk that caused the subsequent trauma. Still Batman's fault!

Luckily for the League, the article is pulled before going to print because Crimson Fox in her public persona, whatever her alias's name is, owns the European side of the publishing company and vetoed the article. The guy writing it, Wally Tortolini, threatens to get even with the publishers. That probably means he'll come back as The Turtle or The Ravioli or something. And, as the correction I made to his article pointed out, he'll be going after the Justice League directly! Meaning he's only a threat to the world now because the Justice League exists. Just like nearly every other bad guy in the DC Universe.

Meanwhile, Despero heads toward Earth to destroy the Justice League. Just like I was just talking about! He crashes into the United Nations' parking lot and decides a UN Flag would make a great cape. Since he arrives naked, I'm not sure what he uses as his underwear but seeing as the only other flag in the panel is the US flag, he just made every Conservative apoplectic.

The Manhunters beat Despero to the killing Steel punch.

I'm not sure why Commander Steel's body is in a huge iron lung since the guy was killed. Maybe it's somebody's trophy case?

Despero is disappointed to find that Steel is already dead because his sole purpose for coming back to Earth was to kill the Justice League. And what is life without purpose?! That's practically death! Although my life hasn't had any purpose so far which is probably something I shouldn't have thought or typed because now I feel like shit. Maybe I should knock somebody up so that I can project all of my hopes and dreams onto a child! And every night as I tuck them into bed, I'll whisper, "You'd better make something of my life!" Hopefully they'll be strong enough to bear the burden of the intense and insane pressure I heap on them every day to become successful so that I feel like my life had some sort of meaning. Although I should probably be ready, genetics being what they are, to cope with a child that shows no ambition or passion for anything except naps. Stupid me! I mean stupid kid!

Since his "hate needs expression" (in ways other than just screaming, "My hate needs expression!", which seems to me a viable means of expressing that hate), Despero flies off to find other members of the Justice League to kill. I'm guessing that'll lead to Martian Manhunter because wasn't Vibe already dead? And he can't go after Gypsy because I don't want the Internet to get mad at me for saying Gypsy! And why bother with Aquaman!

Meanwhile, Booster Gold hires somebody named Maxi-man for The Conglomerate. His super powers probably involve growing large or multiplying himself or absorbing fluids.

Gypsy's mother is woke and Gypsy's father calls his daughter Gypsy.

Don't worry, Comicsgaters! This mother who is all "the past sucked unless you were a white male" gets blown up in the next panel so you won't have to listen to all this moralizing from this comic book from the time you remember comic books not being woke and judgmental. You fucking idiots.

Gypsy comes home to find her family dead and Despero waiting to kill her. But she manages to hide behind the neighbor's house which Despero blows to smithereens. Take that, you dumb fools living next door to a DC superhero! I hate that every single issue of this series (and many, many others! I'm staring directly at The New Titans (and only partly because Starfire is half-naked)) justifies every story line that has ever been written where some Glorious Godfrey type (or, you know, simply Godfrey himself) convinces the normal people of Earth that superheroes are a curse and a constant danger to everybody. Too bad Gypsy's neighbors are dead because they'd totally agree with me.

Despero kills everybody in Gypsy's hometown so she flees on a train which means everybody on that train will soon be dead. Except Despero chooses to spare them as long as Gypsy appears so he can kill her. Being a hero and a dumb high school student, she decides to throw her life away by appearing before Despero. Doesn't she know this isn't the trolley problem and she's not saving these people's lives by giving up her own? After Despero runs her over with the trolley, he's just going to back it up the tracks and run over everybody else! The real solution to the trolley problem is to make sure you're never one of the people on the tracks! Unless the real solution to the trolley problem is to never try to solve the trolley problem? Maybe the real solution to the trolley problem is to tie the people who keep tying people to the tracks to the tracks themselves and just letting the trolley run them over! Who is this maniac who keeps tying people to different tracks on a trolley and then forcing other people to choose which track the trolley goes down? Fucking maniacs.

Martian Manhunter arrives just in time to stop Despero from killing Gypsy which means the cover of this issue is a total lie! This comic book didn't feature the Justice League at all! Not one panel featured Ice sexily falling into a coma!

Justice League America #38 Rating: B. If I were a member of the current Justice League, I'd be pretty upset that an enemy from the last incarnation has decided to kill me. What the fuck did I do?! Go kill Aquaman! Wasn't he the leader at the time?! Or did he quit moments before the entire League was destroyed? Remember earlier how I said I can't remember any DC history? Well, this is me proving myself! Especially since I had a small moment when I thought this might be the beginning of Breakdowns. There's still a lot of shit that needs to happen before that happens! Like The Extremists! And the Beefeater! And Tortolini! Or will he be The Tortoise? Or The Turtle? Whatever! That nerd!