Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #3

This comic book was created to increase the number of half-naked cosplayers at Comic Con.

The Review!
Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys is a comic book about Harley Quinn's Gang of Harleys. They all dress in variations of Harley's outfit but are a more diverse group of characters than just white bisexual female clowns. It might be a good comic book for representation if it wasn't being written by Frank Tieri and Jimmy Palmiotti. I haven't done the research but I'm going to assume they're both white heterosexual males. I think this comic book is suppose to be funny but it's just annoying and I'm still going to read it through Issue #6 because I guess I hate myself.

The Visual Commentary!

Because this is all I have the patience for with this Gang of Harley shit.

"Whoever."

Why is there Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream in the freezer of an Indian restaurant?

Earth Too: Society #14

Oh fuck. The Wonders all just came together in peace! Why are they at each others' throats this time?!

The Review!
More than any other book published by DC Comics, this one is exhibiting all the flaws of editorial process. At first it seemed like Earth-Too, the revamped Convergence world (I think? It doesn't really matter. Don't think about it too hard), was going to become an exact replica of Earth-2 so that we could get back to Justice Society of America stories. But then something happened behind the scenes which changed that idea and so nobody on Earth-2 was able to use the Genesis Machine and Bruce's cube of coded information. Earth-Too was going to proceed with a new story about how the Wonders were going to help remake the world in the face of shortages and border skirmishes and culture conflicts. But with Rebirth, it looks like the editors want Earth-2 back! So guess what story is taking place? That's right! It's the Genesis Machine story yet again! Except instead of Godlike Jimmy Olsen trying to steal the Terraforming MacGuffin, we have Ultra-Humanite trying to steal it. But I'm sure, according to this cover, we're still going to have the heroes fighting among themselves for the future of this planet. Will it continue to be Earth-Too or will it once again become the Earth-2 everybody's grandfather misses? I'm guessing, since this story is getting a second chance, it will end differently this time and we'll be left with Earth-2.

The Commentary!
Earth-2 Dick Grayson has been a horrible father. He wasn't able to find his kid for about thirty issues of Earth-2 and then after Convergence, he all but gave up on finding him. That's too bad because he was around to be found! It's just a sentient white-haired ape got to him first! Now Dick Grayson's kid is an instant teenager with super powers and severe Daddy Issues! He's going to fit in great in the DC Universe.

Since Tornado Lane failed to write a constitution of the world, the Wonders now need to come up with a means of governing that everybody will accept. Except that's not possible because the only way Wonders know how to decide things is with their fists. But usually while they're beating each other up, they're attacked by a real threat which leads them to all agree on punching that person together. So Ultra-Humanite will probably be the one to unite the Wonders and bring about world peace. And then I guess somebody will accidentally knock the Pandora Vessel off of a table and recreate Earth-2?

Oh, excuse me. It's the Pandora Casket this issue.

If I remember correctly (and I'm not claiming I am because my memory sucks and I hate remembering anything about any New 52 Earth-2 comic book anyway!), The Huntress was all for terraforming the world with the Genesis Machine and Power Girl was against it. Well now Power Girl is all for terraforming the world with the Pandora Vessel--excuse me!--Casket because why not? They tried things the non-destroying-the-world-to-replace-it-with-an-old-one way and it didn't work. Let's try destroying the world and see if that's any better!

Dick Grayson wants to return the old world so that he can be reunited with Babs and the son he lost eight times and finally decided to just stop looking for. But will that be any better than not having him? He'll spend every minute thinking, "But is this really Babs? Is this really my son? Or just pale imitations of people I couldn't really get intimate with anyway?" That way lies madness! Especially if the new Babs decides she doesn't like not-new Dick! Then he'll have lost her twice!

Meanwhile, Ultra-Humanite's Humanites begin their attack on Neotropolis. How can it fail? The Humanites are mostly composed of five and six year olds instantly aged to teenagers and given super powers. The Wonders are experienced fighters who have had years to hone their battle techniques! Although being older also means the Wonders have lost most of their passion, so maybe the Humanites will win the day on pure youthful exuberance and idealism! Oh to be young and credulous again!

Of course the youngsters get the upper hand! I was just listing the reasons why they really shouldn't win. But we all knew they would beat the Wonders in the first half of the story because that's how comic book stories work. After the defeat, the heroes rally together and rise up against overwhelming odds to save the day! I mean all of the heroes that are left.

Yeah! Nothing can cut steel! It's a known science fact!

All the battle stuff is your typical battle stuff so I should get to the big surprise twist ending that nobody saw coming. Firepattern is the last Humanite left after battling Fury and is about to get the Pandora Vessel--Fuck. Sorry again!--Casket when he sees a battered, broken old man leaning on it telling jokes about over his dead body or something. Firepattern is all, "Daddy?!" And Dick Grayson is all, "What? Of course I'm not your dad! You're like sixteen years old! I would have had to have fathered you at ten! Get out of here!" No wait! He doesn't do that at all. He's just all, "John?! I finally found you! I'm the hero dad!" And then the series doesn't respectfully die but continues next month.

The Coming of the Supermen #6

Neal Adams. Superman bleeding from his mouth as he shits himself, 2016. Oil on Canvas. 16.8 cm x 26.0 cm.

The Review!
Why, DC Comics, why? Did somebody somewhere promise Neal Adams that at some point in his career, he'd have carte blanche to write any Superman story he wanted without any editorial interference? How else did this comic book make it through the pitch phase? It's quite probable that it will eventually be discovered that Neal Adams had a minor stroke during the writing of this comic book and I'm going to feel really bad for panning it. But I don't currently have that information so I have to assume that Neal Adams is operating with his full faculties! And if that's true, he's just perpetrated the greatest religious crime in all of history! That may or may not be a hyperbolic statement, depending on whether or not you suffered through this comic book and not the Inquisition. I only suffered through one of them and I can only tell you which is the worst according to my experiences! I'd like to leave the possibility open that this comic book wasn't about Christianity at all but Adams slammed shut all the fucking doors on that possibility when he named the mystery demon "El" and had Superman proclaim that he did nothing and yet is responsible for everything. Ugh. This was terrible! And it wasn't even terrible simply because it was a Christian story! One of my favorite Alice Cooper songs of all time is "I Am Made of You" and that's as testimonial as fuck! Shit, that song makes me wish I could delude myself into believing nonsense! But this story? Abominable. Horrible. A travesty! I've read Lobdell's Teen Titans, Nathan Edmondson's Grifter, Ann Nocenti's Katana, J.T. Krul's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws, Howard Mackie's The Ravagers, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Superman, Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood/Arsenal, and Ann Nocenti's Klarion. And this book is still the worst series I've read in the last five years! If you're still thinking, "But Tess! It's Neal Adams! Have some respect! At least back-up your terribly harsh criticisms!", you might get some Answers! in the commentary portion.

The Commentary!
I can't wait to see how this comic book ends! Normally, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know long before a story ends how it will all wind up. But being that this comic book is such a confusing mess, I'm completely bewildered by it! It's fascinating not knowing where things are headed! Is this what it's like to be a Regular Comic Book Reader? Thrilling!

Last issue ended with Darkseid disintegrating Lex Luthor as Superman looked on and applauded. This issue begins with the revelation that Darkseid merely destroyed a wax sculpture of Lex Luthor while the real Lex Luthor was standing behind him laughing. It's odd that Darkseid was so annoyed by the laughter that he would think Lex Luthor was the wax statue that obviously wasn't laughing. Darkseid isn't too smart, is he? The real beauty of the situation is that Lex Luthor continues to laugh at Darkseid! But at least now he's begging for his life at the same time. I think begging for your life goes a long way to keep Darkseid happy.

This issue is called "Answers!" Notice the punctuation was within the quotes which means it was actually part of the title and not just another of my often abused exclamation points. Normally I'd be happy that a comic book was going to answer all of the questions I have about the story. But in this case, I'm so confused I'm not even sure what the questions are. When this comic book first began, I thought it was going to be a meditation on the differences between Christianity and Islam. But now it's turned into an insane fight for territory perpetrated by two villains who have everything to gain while millions of people wind up victims. Holy shit! It is a meditation on the differences of Islam and Christianity! One is Lex Luthor and the other is Darkseid! And when the two battle, nobody wins! So you need a third option: Superman! And he represents...um...Judaism?

I don't think this tracks.

Maybe Superman just represents science and rationality and atheism. You know, truth, justice, and my dreamed of American way! It must be the New Kryptonians who represent Judaism. I mean, if you're Western Civilization minded, of course! New Kryptonians equal Israel. The Apokoliptian invaders equal the Islamic countries. And New Genesis equals Christianity. Although you should probably see the analogy as the New Kryptonians being the Islamic countries of the Middle East and the Apokoliptian invaders as the people of Israel being helped by their Western Civ allies (Superman!) to take over a large parcel of their land. And while they're at it, the white invaders may as well set up some military bases all over New Krypton too! Just to, you know, keep the peace and whatnot.

Maybe I should just see what Answers! Neal Adams decides to give before jumping to any more conclusions. Because I don't think Neal Adams means for his story to be any smarter than it appears to be. Although why did he name the Muslim kid's dog Isa if he wasn't prepared to write a story about religion? Was that the only comment Neal had to make? That Muslims think of Jesus as a dog? Not that they do! Why would they hate on Jesus when he's eventually going to come down from the sky and slay the Antichrist in the most spectacular bout of Mortal Kombat ever witnessed? And once he arrives, he'll be all, "Can't we all get along?!" And then all of the Peoples of the Book (as the Jews, Christians, and Muslims are referenced in Islam because they fucking understand that they all believe in the same God. Well, Muhammad did, anyway. But then that's the advantage of being the last religion formed from The Old Testament. You get to write in the other religions and make them, in a way, subservient to yours. But then again, at least Islam acknowledges that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all based on the same God and that when Jesus comes back for his encore, everybody will believe the same thing and they'll all be saved. Of course everybody will call it Islam but that's just a minor point, really!) will hold hands and embrace Jesus and Islam and hardly any Christian will say to hardly any Jew, "I told you so!" And hardly any Muslim will say to hardly any Christian, "I told you so!" They'll all just live happily ever after as the atheists burn in a fiery pit of hell and just about everybody will say to them, "I told you so!"

Don't get mad at me if I got any of that religious stuff wrong! I'm an atheist! Besides, I'm pretty sure I didn't get any of it wrong. If you think I did, that's your bias, praise be to God.

Superman continues to watch Darkseid and Lex Luthor battle for a bit since it seems Lex has found a way to not be killed by Darkseid's Omega Beams. I mean Wrist Blasters.

What level are you on?!

Darkseid gets to enraged that he lets a secret slip: he was born on Earth! I think. I mean, he seems to make some revelation about Earth birthing the greatness of Apokolips. But then when Superman and Lex try to nail him down on what he meant, he stutters and stammers like the fool he isn't and finally just tells them that he's stolen all of Lex's technology and will take over the Earth with it. It's about at that point when Lex realizes Darkseid is his enemy and tells Darkseid that he sold him defective technology to turn yellow suns into red suns. It's about that time that Darkseid realizes Lex is his enemy! Superman stands by confused like the rest of us.

I'm starting to believe I won't be getting any of the Answers! I was promised. Perhaps the only real question was, "Has Neal Adams lost his mind?" At least I know the answer to that is a resounding "Yes!" With the exclamation point, of course.

Superman foils Darkseid's plans, Darkseid punches Superman in the nose, and then Darkseid flounces off of Earth. But not before Superman can fly through Darkseid's Boom Tube first, pissing Darkseid off even more! I think that might be the end of the Darkseid/Lex Luthor subplot. Or was that the main plot? Did it even have a plot? Anyway, the comic book needs to answer some questions about Rafi and Isa and the winged demon Muhammad who is also called "El". "El" means "God", just in case you don't know your Bible as well as you think you do. So I guess the winged demon isn't the prophet Muhammad at all. He's just god.

Oh hey! I mentioned there would be Mortal Kombat earlier, right? I guess Superman is Jesus and Darkseid is the Anti-christ!

Maybe I should just forget all of the Islamic stuff and simply assume Neal Adams is telling a Christian story. Because it has everything it needs. Darkseid as Satan, El as God, and Superman as Jesus. There's also a dog named Isa owned by a Muslim but that was probably just to get everybody's subconscious mind thinking about Jesus and religion. Although, if I had to guess, maybe one percent of the people reading this terrible comic book know that Isa is the name for Jesus in Islam?

After Darkseid learns that he can change the outcome of whatever outcome has been set in motion, Supreman heads back to Lois and Rafi and Isa where he's promptly punched in the face by Orion. Why? Who fucking cares.

It turns out the puppy Isa is actually Highfather and Rafi is his grandson and I don't fucking care anymore. Not that cared much at the beginning. And I cared even less in the middle. But now that it's coming to an end, I'm just ready for the peaceful quiet of the grave. This comic book has destroyed my love of life.

But wait! My spirit hasn't been entirely crushed! I must know how Superman plans to keep Darkseid from invading anywhere he wants with the use of the Boom Tube! As long as the technology exists, Darkseid can be anywhere he wants to be!

Oh. Okay. Superman turns the Boom Tube inside out and destroys it. I guess Darkseid just had the one?

Stop thinking about this ending, you jerk! Stop thinking about Boom Tube technology as a technology to open wormholes in space! That obviously wasn't what it was at all! It was an actual tube that Darkseid built which could be programmed to exit at various points in the universe! Then you walk through it and arrive at the chosen destination! Duh! I can't believe anybody ever thought the Boom Tube wasn't a literal tube! Stupids.

Darkseid gives up his invasion plans after he sees his Boom Tube turned inside out and rendered impotent. He walks away embarrassed and Superman walks back to New Krypton, seeing as how it's now one-third of the same planet as Apokolips. Superman and Lois head back to Earth via Metron's Underground Railroad which totally isn't a Boom Tube at all. Superman acknowledges El's uselessness to the system of reality while also expressing his crippling need to believe in that uselessness. And then it all ends with Luthor thinking, "You're all human! All of you! Bwa ha ha ha! Because, you know, God made the people of Earth and the only way to have any other sentient beings in the universe is if they were created by God but only through humanity since Jesus saved humanity! Or something! Whatever, it's all very religious and Christian or something."

Bloodlines #4

His superhero name should be Pinhead.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Faith, the six year old girl with the twenty-seven year old head, pretending she's in an episode of The Twilight Zone. It doesn't matter which episode. You'd know it if you were familiar with three episodes of the show. Unless none of those episodes starred Billy Mumy. Except instead of threatening people with the cornfield, she's just tearing out their hearts and feeding them to her pet demon. I don't quite remember what Anima's power was in the old Bloodlines but maybe it was something like this? Is the new Anima evil? I'd be evil too if I were six years old but the bus driver kept making me pay adult prices to ride because of my face.

While Faith feeds her monster ice cream and internal organs, Black and Haley are lucky to be alive after having sex with each other. He turns things he touches into explosives and blades shoot out of every part of her body. My guess is, since they're still both alive, neither of them had an orgasm. While Blake tries to figure out how to get his dick in Haley's butt, Duncan the Urban Hunter arrives to kill him for being a freak. Earlier in his pathetic life, he killed his wife and child because they developed Bloodlines super powers. Now he's doubling down on that mistake and killing anybody with powers. If he didn't kill everybody he encountered who had Bloodlines powers, he might have to admit that maybe he shot his wife and kid too soon. And by too soon, I mean as soon as he saw his wife had disgusting wings and his son's fingers looked like flaccid penises and just after he said, "Aw hells no."

Haley's mattress is so crusty from dried semen and vaginal excretions that it's become bulletproof.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a copy of Gunfire #0 at an old junk shop. I didn't fucking buy it. I'm regretting it so hard! But I'll go back. They had a ton of old comic books and board games and toys at really great prices. It was like a Goodwill with actual interesting crap instead of just pure crap.

Blake turns everything he can grab in Haley's room into explosives and Haley is all, "Dude! That's my lamp! And bed! And ottoman! And vibrator! And butt plug! And Ben Wa balls!" Tired of seeing all of her good times destroyed, Haley Wolverines out and attacks Duncan the Urban Hunter. Not only can she grow blades out of her skin, she can also deflect bullets with her blades. Unless she just got lucky. You know what? I'm going to assume she got lucky because I'm already suspending as much disbelief as I can, and most of that is because of Haley's body. Nobody looks that sexy!

Instead of killing Duncan like Haley could have been excused for doing since he broke into her house and began shooting at her and her unsatisfying lover, she and Blake begin asking him questions. Duncan explains that his wife and son had actually died due to the parasite that bit them and that's why he had to kill them. Although if that's true, why did he kill that Bloodlines guy at the convenience store and then leave the corpse to come back from the dead like it did? I don't think he actually knows that that is what happens! I think he's making it up as an excuse for why he killed his wife and son, and he just happens to be right!

Back at school, Dana is all, "Hey Eddie. You know how you turned into that huge freak at the hospital? What's going on with your penis when that happens?" She doesn't actually say that but I'm sure that's what she's thinking since she's still hanging out with him and Albert. She's just waiting for another shot to see his pants split and when something goes down at the football game, she gets her shot!

She must have got a glimpse of his cock!

I'm always disturbed by characters who destroy their clothing when they transform. What a pain in the ass. How many pairs of shoes must Eddie own? And how baggy are his pants that they survive the transformation? Remember when Fire used to burn off her clothes when she transformed? That disturbed me because it meant she was too fucking dangerous to transform in most places. How come she didn't just set everything on fire constantly?

The football players are being attacked by a huge creature composed of lots of dead bodies. Eddie, Albert, and Dana need to figure out a way to meet up with the other Bloodlines characters and they have a plan! They decide to be a part of this scene where Haley, Blake, and Duncan all arrive at the football game for some reason. Maybe their plan was to meet Eddie, Albert, and Dana! Good thinking, everybody!

Duncan the Urban Hunter seems to know everything that needs to be known. After Dana blasts the dead guy with her Storm impression, Duncan does an autopsy on the creature and extracts the Bloodlines parasite. He kills it and then looks up to see who's next. Maybe not next for an autopsy but a little surgery is probably going to be necessary. Then without the parasites in them, they can just continue to live with safely with their powers.

But nobody thinks of that yet! Instead they just stand around the football field like they don't realize they're supposed to come up with a name for their super hero team now!

Meanwhile in a church somewhere, some bald motherfucker gets Preacher powers.

The Review!
J.T. Krul has a problem with beginning stories at the beginning. He always says more than he needs to say. I think he spent about six issues of Captain Atom before getting to the point where he should have begun the story. And this comic book probably could have started with this issue! And I don't mean beginning with the fight and then immediately flashing back to where he began the comic book with Issue #1. I fucking hate when comic books do that. If you want to start the story somewhere in the middle, don't fucking chicken out and immediately go back in time to tell the story in a linear fashion from the beginning. If you're going to begin there, fucking begin there and skip the whole "Five Days From Now!" bit that you think will draw people into the story. You know what draws people into the story? Telling a good story and not relying on tricks and tropes and narrative clichés! We're now four issues into this book and it's been mostly just people trying to figure out what's going on. That sucks because the reader knew what was going on immediately. If the reader knows the story already, the reader does not look forward to being told all the shit the reader already knows. Just fucking get on with it already!

Teen Titans #21

Mallah really should invest in a BabyBjörn for Brain.

The Commentary!
If this issue doesn't include a scene where Mallah lubes up his asshole and slowly sits on The Brain, I'm not going to be surprised at all. Although now that I've thought up that scene, why can't it appear in this comic book? Apes do weird things with their bodies (and I'm including humans in the term "apes")! If the scene were presented without comment, couldn't it be interpreted as a colonoscopy? Sentient apes need regular checkups too! And I'm sure The Brain has all the write cameras and software to determine if everything is going good up Mallah's asshole. In that context, I probably wouldn't get an erection at all!

I suppose I'm asking too much out of a Teen rated comic book. No teenager is going to take a colonoscopy seriously, no matter how life saving the examination can be! They would just giggle and titter about the monkey sticking the computer up its butt. That's just one more nice thing I can't have that I can blame on teenagers! Jerks! I can't wait until you're not teenagers anymore and you feel the same bitter resentment I do at forty! I mean, I actually can wait because then I'll be like dead or something. So, you know, no hurry! Keep being narcissistic jerks who think they know everything for as long as you want! Especially since teenagers will always exist. It's a fucking wave, man! Right now you're at the peak but you'll soon get carried down the other side while some other noseminers will rise up and take your place! It's a goddamned curse!

Speaking of teenagers, this book is about teenagers! What a segue! Let's see if they're able to save Metatroll93 and enlist his help in cleaning up their image as juvenile delinquents who are constantly destroying property in New York City!

Wonder Girl has been mind-controlled by one of The Brain's gadgets because The Brain is useless in every single way. I wonder if The Brain built in any ports into his case, if you know what I mean! He probably calls it his glory port.

Red Robin has either begun wearing black lipstick or his lips are covered in blood because he's finally become the vampire that will live one thousand years and take on the name Harvest before traveling back in time to start The Culling!

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part One: The introduction of Mallah which read "Monsieur Mallah. Brain's longtime companion. Kinda loving it"; The Brain chastising Mallah by saying, "Weakness is never attractive, Mallah"; and The Brain calling Mallah "My pet" while Mallah pouts, "I hate when you call me that."

The Titans manage to free Metatroll93 and Wonder Girl from The Brain's devices in practically no time at all. Although I just counted the pages and it took seven pages, so that's over a third of the comic book. It felt longer! Maybe because I keep pausing to pretend the beast on machine sodomy scene is taking place.

The Brain's case includes jet propulsion which allows him to not only fuck Mallah in the ass but super duper fuck him in the ass. Currently he uses it to fly over the zoo where the Titans have wound up and drop his balls on a bunch of sea lions. The Brain's balls allow him to mind-control the sea lions. Now the Titans have to punch sea lions in the face in front of dozens of sea lion lovers. It's just another day in the life of the Teen Titans which will end with everybody hating them. I began the day hating them so I'm way ahead of the curve.

Metatroll93's memes are terrible.

How can Power Girl be upset by this collection of memes?! Not only are they not insulting the villains in them, they're just not funny or entertaining! She's still just angry that he called the Titans out for being assholes who disregard whatever laws they want in pursuit of their own desires and agendas. He's less a waste of time than the Teen Titans. And what's with Power Girl expecting him to agree with her assessment of him just because she saved his life? Fucking hell, let me die before somebody as holier-than-thou as Power Girl saves my life!

By the way, everything is going just as I said it would. I just wanted to make sure everybody remembers who the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader is here.

The Brain continues to fly around in circles above the zoo and I can't stop wondering how far up Mallah's ass he can get. Also how much fuel can he fit in that tiny canister? This comic book is so unrealistic!

Eventually his thrusters conk out because Wonder Girl smashes them. He plummets to the Earth but is caught by Mallah. Luckily The Brain isn't currently covered in lube.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part Two.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers (as if anybody needs any more after the last scan), Part Three: When Raven is about to send Mallah and The Brain to Azarath to cool down, The Brain says to Mallah, "Just hold me."

Metatroll93 offers to come up with some pro-Titans memes which was totally expected by everybody, probably, but certainly predicted by me in writing the previous month. And after he comes up with some really lame memes that nobody is going to use (which means they aren't really memes, are they?), everybody realizes Red Robin is missing. They don't know it yet but he's been captured by Amanda Waller and brought to Belle Reve. I hope he joins the Suicide Squad! After all, he is an immortal vampire named Harvest! I mean, he will be soon!

The Review!
The Teen Titans have never been better! Tony Bedard has done what no writer in the last five years has been able to do! He's made the Teen Titans into a cohesive group that's actually battling bad guys doing harm! Although, technically, The Brain used the Metatroll93 opportunity to troll the Teen Titans, so it was still kind of their fault that a bunch of people were put into danger. But it was better than anything done previous to this! And best of all, the Titans aren't constantly fighting and bickering among themselves and splitting up into separate groups and hating each other with stupid teen drama! I should probably enjoy this phase of the Teen Titans while it lasts though because Benjamin Percy will be on board soon enough to turn the Teen Titans into the Tumblr Titans. Hoo boy, I am not looking forward to reading that! Although I am looking forward to writing commentary on it!

New Suicide Squad #22

Adult Harley Quinn just smashed Baby Harley Quinn into jelly with Super Powers™ Joker's mallet.

The Review!
Remember how I told myself I can just believe that the previous issue was the final issue until Rebirth? I probably should have taken myself seriously. This issue added nothing to my knowledge of Harley Quinn. Although it did add one more piece of evidence to my theory that every character in the DC Universe has severe Daddy Issues. If you're a Harley fan, you probably already wrote this comic book in a piece of fanfiction and you probably did it better. And if not, at least you didn't charge anybody money for it.

The Commentary!
This month, we get a look inside of Harley Quinn's head. Most of you can just ignore it because it probably won't be how you think it should be inside Harley Quinn's head. And before you think I'm criticizing you, you should know that I don't think Sean Ryan has any better insight into Harley Quinn than any of the people writing Harley fanfic do. Which makes sense since about 99% of all comic books are fanfic anyway. Except they're fanfic with limitations! I mean, for some stupid reason, you're never going to get a scene where Batman's dick accidentally flops out of his costume and Superman can't stop himself from sucking Bruce off. Why do you think that is? We all know it's happened once or twice. Batman probably even has a special "Batfly Failure Batsuit" that he wears when he knows Superman is alone on Watchtower duty. And if people don't want Clark's belly full of Batsemen as canon, they can just ignore it like they ignore every other bit of canon that they disagree with. Or they can go on the internet and perform a textual representation of their head exploding across several comic book website forums.

Harley's psychiatrist (psychologist? I admit it. I don't know the difference! I think one of them is on drugs when doing therapy and the other one takes sexual advantage of you under hypnosis) makes sure her face is hidden from view so that the reader will be surprised by who she is at the end of the comic book. Probably Harley since she loves to do therapy on herself. Although maybe it's just a visual representation of how the therapist may be present in the therapy but actively tries to remain detached from it too. Kind of like how I read comic books but actively stay detached from the characters. Except for Vampire Tig. I still have sex dreams about her.

Mmm, this is some good therapy!

Apparently Harley Quinn hasn't been crazy enough lately and it's driving her crazy. Plus her character needs to be fine-tuned to match whatever her personality will be like in the movie or else people coming to the comic book from the movie will be all, "This isn't the real Harley Quinn?! What did they do to the real Harley Quinn!? And she hardly looks like Margot Robbie at all!"

Harley Quinn ignores her Mind-Batman and decides to go into the part of her brain that is fun and not Victorian. Batman is all, "You'll be sorry! They wear their skirts above the ankles in there!" And Harley is all, "That's cool! I almost wear my shorts above my vagina!"

Once inside the wacky part of her brain, Harley has an orgasm.

She's coming so hard that she forgets how to spell orgasm.

Linguistically, I don't think there's any real difference between "Carnal-vale" and "Carnival". It's just less subtle! My favorite ride at Harley's Carnal-vale is the Sodomy-Go-Round! That's a less subtle but also linguistically similar way of saying Merry-Go-Round. Or Mary-Gets-Around, amirite?!

Harley decides to ride the Deathtrap first. It's a good thing Deadpool can't see inside Harley's mind or he might be a little bit jealous that Harley is fantasizing about riding Deathtrap. Unless that's not what Sean Ryan meant by this scene at all and it's just an unfortunate turn of events that Deathtrap was a character in the previous issue. Because the ride actually turns purple, green, and white. And we all know what that means! Usually I would have a joke answer other than "The Joker" but I couldn't think of one.

Where's my cigar and thick eyebrows! I actually have a joke for this one!

How many people reading the previous caption thought I mean to do something dirty with the cigar because they don't know anything about Groucho Marx? It's hard to tell anymore what anybody of any generation will know because the Internet has made the popular culture of every decade accessible. It might be time to rethink my aversion to dating people in their twenties! They just might get all of my references now!

Harley's day at the amusement park (cleverly called an "abusement" park in her head!) turns disastrous when she finds herself covered in human teeth. Gross. I thought this comic book was going to be sexy but now I can't stop my head from imagining I'm smelling the smell of rotten teeth. Is there any worse smell in the world?! Maybe a durian shoved into an unwashed sumo wrestlers bunghole. But I've never smelled that so I can't imagine it.

Harley escapes the teeth and finds herself as a fifteen year old being lectured by her mother. It's 2004 which means I can do math! I mean, it means Harley is 27! That must be the age DC Comics finds it acceptable for female characters to feel free enough in their sexuality to fuck plants.

Harley asks her mother when her dad is coming home so I just figured out the root of all of Harley Quinn's problems: Daddy Issues! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I really wish somebody would take my virginity already!" But enough about you! I probably should have guessed that Harley had Daddy Issues because everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues. Also there's that whole abusive relationship with The Joker thing.

Me too! Just once, can't somebody have a Mommy Issue? Get me some representation up here in this bitch! I mean mother!

Harley has some more memories about how her Daddy wasn't there for her and he was always having fun and how he totally shaped the world which she grew into! And then there's a disturbing advert for the Suicide Squad movie!

What is with the electric taped X pasties and the vagina graffiti?

The big surprise twist ending is that Harle Quinn was talking to Dr. Harleen Quinzel about her dead father. I think. Or something. I mean, obviously Harley Quinn has never gotten over her daddy issues or she wouldn't have fucked Deadshot in Issue #3 (First New 52 Edition) while calling her vagina a clown car. That's total Daddy Issue talk! And now she's busy going crazy trying not to think about her father or how The Joker was her father or how Amanda Waller is now her father. The issue ends with nothing being resolved and nothing really being explored and nothing nothing with more nothing. But it had Harley Quinn in it! So that's a big plus to DC's pocketbook!

New Suicide Squad #21

Deadshot fisting Harley isn't the most disturbing thing about this cover. The fact that El Diablo just finished is. HashtagHarleyHadJalapeñoPizzaWithLinguiçaLastNight

The Review!
I'm sad that Tim Seeley wasn't given the Suicide Squad in Rebirth. Rob Williams might do the Squad justice but I already know that Tim Seeley definitely can do them justice! He even convinced me that Harley Quinn can be a proper member of the team as opposed to just being a reason for people to buy the comic book! I suppose Ostrander had Punch and Jewelee on the team and it could be argued that that isn't a whole lot different than having Harley Quinn. Although Harley Quinn will never be killed and Punch and Jewelee were the definition of members who could die any issue. I'm also glad Tim Seeley finally pulled the trigger on El Diablo. I've been waiting for him to die for years! Not that his death isn't as ambiguous as every other comic book character death. He'll be back! At the very least, I'm glad to have had these months with Seeley's Squad. They finally felt like the Squad I know and love. Sean Ryan (who it looks like is doing the next issue) had some moments as well. But I think Seeley came even closer with his style and humor. Please don't fuck up the Suicide Squad for five years again, DC Comics!

The Commentary!
At the end of last issue, Deadshot was shot in the face by GunGuns. Or Gunfire. Or DeathPistol. Or was it BulletLadenEjaculate? I don't suppose it matters what his name was because he probably didn't actually have time to pull the trigger before Captain Boomerang blew his hand off with a Boomagrenade. That actually sounds pretty dangerous. Who would cross a boomerang with a grenade?! I guess a suicidal aborigine?

Oh. That's where Captain Boomerang got off to. I should have known better than to expect him to save the day. Deadshot better have worn the heavy face armor today.

Elsewhere in Fleischhaus, Cheetah and Rose Tattoo continue their battle to the death (probably El Diablo's death) while Harley Quinn and El Diablo (soon to be El Muerto) hide around the corner. El Diablo is all, "I accidentally killed a woman and her child with fire!" And Harley is all, "I'm wearing hot pants!" Neither of these interactions is explaining how Deadshot survived being shot in the face! I guess I should turn the page!

On the next page, I remember that the guy who makes guns out whatever is lying around is named Deathtrap. No wonder I couldn't remember it! It's so incredibly stupid! For some reason, he thinks he's the man who killed Deadshot even though Deadshot is lying on the ground and none of the church pews around them have been decorated with Floyd's blood or brains. Adam, the guy vying for the position of Shepherd of the Fist of Cain, stabs Deathtrap in the throat so that Deathtrap can die thinking he's killed Deadshot. That's sweet! I hope somebody does that for me the next time I'm out disc golfing and my disc disappears around the trees and I hear the chink of the chains on the basket and I believe I've gotten a hole in one! I mean, if I didn't actually get one, that is! If I really got one, I want to know for sure and not be dead afterward. But if I just thought I got one, I wouldn't mind dying immediately! Or maybe right after having celebratory sex with whoever is standing around and willing to have unsatisfying sex in nature with the possibility of stumbling into blackberry bushes.

I guess Adam can now become the Shepherd of the Fist of Cain even though none of the Suicide Squad have been killed. Oh, sure, Hunky Punk died. But he wasn't technically part of the Squad. In fact, all the people who died so far in this story were potential members of a Suicide Squad UK that I think I would have fucking loved. What a waste!

Adam prepares his Shepherd acceptance speech and it sounds like it was cribbed from Fight Club. "You never know how to live until you're about to die!" Was that the message of that movie? Or was it something about material goods making people way more happy than punching yourself in the face and being addicted to recovery meetings?

While Adam talks about killing Amanda Waller instead of just doing it (always a bad choice!), El Diablo has a stupid revelation. He believes that Rose Tattoo came for him, so he's going to challenge her while Cheetah and Harley make a run for it. Poor, stupid El Diablo. Never play the hero when you're the most disposable member of the Suicide Squad!

If Voltaic can come back from the dead with Resurrection Man Semen, Yo-Yo can come from being eaten by King Shark, and Reverse-Flash will eventually come back from traveling through time, I suppose it's only fair to leave El Diablo the possibility of coming back from Hell because he prays hard.

It turns out Deadshot was shot in the head with a flower and Deathtrap can regenerate. I think Deadshot might be the only character with "dead" or "death" in their name who doesn't have any super healing powers. Although he got some of that Resurrection Man Semen one time too! Deadshot and Deathtrap save Waller and become big heroes and probably Power Shower buddies.

Ha! Apparently Harley agrees with me! Extreme Washing, here we come! Literally!

Harley chooses the OTP name of "Trapshot" which is terrible. It would obviously be "Deaddeath".

Also, Deathtrap may not regenerate. He just may take a long time to bleed out. However he's still alive, he doesn't accept the ride home when Captain Boomerang arrives to save the day and oversee the evacuation. Instead, he decides to stay behind and turn Fleischhaus into a giant gun. I guess the remaining members of The Fist of Cain will be the bullets?

Deadshot also tries to stay behind so he can die in the arms of his new lover but Captain Boomerang rescues him against his will. That's so gross! Non-consensual life-saving. Ugh.

Back at Belle Reve, everything ends happily ever after as Floyd shits while making up love letters for Harley. That's about as good an ending as Ostrander ever came up with! Can I just pretend this is the last issue of New Suicide Squad until the Rebirth Squad? Why, yes, I can, me! Thanks!