Aquaman #50

I think it's more important to proclaim that I liked this movie than that I support Bernie Sanders.

Rating: This issue had a whole lot more misses than hits throughout. But that mostly had to do with the Aquaman part of the story where he battled a new foe named Dead Water. FBI Agents Irving and Ajar were a highlight. Weren't they also in Resurrection Man? As bad guys! I mean girls! I mean ladies? Um, anyway, the part of this issue which really shone was Mera giving the press conference. It's nice to see her defending Aquaman and Atlantis in a more lighthearted, joyful, charitable way. Acting as a diplomat looks good on her. Plus if anybody gets out of line, she can kick their asses. That would look good on her too. Hell, everything looks good on Mera! You know, now that Aquaman has had 50 issues, and since this book is really about Arthur and Mera, maybe the next 50 issues can be called Aquawoman?

• The only thing I really remember about Issue #49 was that Mera changed her costume so she'd look less like a Xebel Princess and more like an Aquaman fan at Comic-con.

• I didn't pay attention to the names on the cover so imagine my surprise when I looked at the first page, had a mini-stroke, vomited down the front of my shirt, fell out of my chair, twitched for maybe five minutes, and groaned, "Booooooooooooooth."

• This issue begins with the victim of a shark attack found on top of a skyscraper. As expected, lots of Jaws quotes get floated about. But one of the FBI agents makes sure to act annoyed by them because nobody takes shark attacks seriously anymore. It's just a bunch of jerks one-upping each other with Jaws quotes!

• The credits label Brett Booth as the "Guest Penciller". That's a relief!

• Brett Booth's art has gone a long way to put me off Dan Abnett's writing. I was truly appreciative of the changes he was making last issue, wasn't I? Now I can't get through a panel without rolling my eyes. Not to mention all the clean shirts I'm going through from all the vomiting caused by the art.

• Aquaman and Mera's new diplomatic outreach program to the surface world is going to have to wait while Aquaman solves the Land Shark murder for the FBI.

• Spindrift Station, the Atlantean Embassy on land, looks like a picked scab.

• Can somebody send Brett Booth a note that says "Bigger eyes; shorter legs"?

Either Aquaman doesn't know what "infinitesimally" means or I'm completely misunderstanding his statement. Bonus Feature: long legs!

• Aquaman investigates the scene of the last murder when he's attacked by a sea serpent which appears out of nowhere.

• Hey! Guess what happens because a Land Shark begins attacking everybody and the media labelled it an "Atlantean Monster"?! The populace turns on Aquaman and the Atlanteans! Oh no! Just when Aquaman was trying to build bridges!

• I've seen less heavy handed stories about prejudice in Church of Latter Day Saints commercials or Department of Health, Education, and Welfare Public Service Announcements.

• The monster, Dead Water, teleports Aquaman back to where it came from. It's an underwater place. But not typical underwater! This is a different variant of water! It's an Other Water! One of the "infinitesimal" variants of water! I know that doesn't make any sense but it's all I have to work with!

• Aquaman defeats Dead Water but not by killing him because Dead Water is just a human victim of the Other Water.

• Aquaman takes him to Spindrift Station to imprison him. But who will imprison Aquaman when the Other Water turns him into a monster?!

• The issue ends with Mera presenting herself as the liaison between the land and the sea. And she's really good at it because she's the best Aquaperson in the DC You.

We Are Robin #10

Rating: Currently I have this ranked in the "Worth reading if you're into the characters" category but I'm not sure it belongs there. How can one be into the characters if they're brand new? I guess you should know if you're into them or not by issue ten, right? But I still find this comic book a bit bland and a lot uninteresting. But I just can't drop it into the "Worst of DC" category because that's saying it's as poorly written as something by Scott Lobdell, Ann Nocenti, JT Krul, Howard Mackie, Tom DeFalco, or Cullen Bunn. And I just can't do that to Lee Bermejo. Yet! I have done it to Peter Tomasi but that's because he allowed himself to get wrapped up in the Superman "Truth" story arc. And nobody got out of being sprayed by feces from that mess.

P.S. I wrote all of the previous rating stuff before reading this issue. I really enjoyed this issue! Both the writing and the art!

• This comic book feels like it should be part of the Batman Beyond world. I think that's its major failing. This isn't a comic book that should be in the present continuity. It should take place in a future world where crime is rampant and out of control and a bunch of kids stumble upon the broken case containing Jason Todd's old uniform. They've grown up with legends of a young kid who used to fight at the side of the Bat and upon discovering the costume, are inspired to make their own costumes based on Todd's old outfit. Suddenly Robins spring up everywhere around Gotham. It would also make more sense for Alfred Pennyworth to be helping them at this point. Senile and heartbroken after Batman lost trust in him after the Endgame debacle, he's now nearly 100 years old when he begins seeing Robins all over the city. He's not sure if they're real or not but he begins to help them in any way he can, treating them like his own children. That makes this book better, right?

• This issue must have been reading over my shoulder about how a person can't really be into these characters since they're so new because it begins with Shug-R who I totally forgot I had a huge crush on. Well played, We Are Robin.

• This panel gave me a huge sugar rush. And by 'sugar rush', I mean 'boner'. And by 'huge', I mean 'average'.

• Shug-R is trying to lose weight. Oh, come on, Shug! Stop it. Don't lose weight just because comic book artists can't draw anything but hot women. Although if you're really uncomfortable with your weight and dropping a few pounds will mean I'll get to see you in more scenes than just sitting behind your laptop, I'm cool with it. Whatever you desire, hon! I've got your back!

• Mmm, Shug-R's back.

• Smiley's family life has been unsatisfactory. He was not a parent's wet dream. So now he's a clown.

• Riko and Izzy and Duke are all having horrible lives. I bet that drives them back into Robinning!

• Dre has been going out as Lone Wolf fighting crime. Dax has been building Grappling Guns and will probably be sued by Waynetech over the patent.

• This is DC. It would be weird if he didn't have Daddy Issues.

• The Robins tentatively begin reforming in order to stop Smiley and his clowns from terrorizing Gotham. I guess the Robin Laws are still in effect so they're trying to be cautious in their investigating. But they're all going to be wearing Red and Green and Yellow soon. Although they'd better hurry before Rebirth cancels this book.

• When Dre goes undercover with Smiley's Clowns, and Dax calls on everybody to help him out, and Duke and Riko get caught in school when Smiley's Jokers attack it...well, that's probably the beginning of the team back together. Now hopefully Shug-R will get out of the house and in on the action next issue.

Cyborg #9

Victor beat Billy at table tennis so Billy said, "Let's see you in a mystical fist fight!"

Rating: This series is much better than the first story arc although not by a lot because it's all been tainted by how boring the first six or seven issues were. Cyborg's dialogue is still that of a witless blowhard but at least he isn't telling jokes which he (or another character) then has to explain are jokes because they're not very joke-like. I'm sorry to say that I still don't think this comic book is worth picking up no matter how badly DC Comics wants Cyborg to become their next big moneymaking character. I wonder how many people were confused by the Silas Stone video in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us? I guess Cyborg is more mainstream than I give him credit for since he was part of Cartoon Network's Teen Titans cartoon for years. Did anybody else think he sort of acted like the fifth Ninja Turtle in that cartoon?

• Everybody is making pretend spoiler jokes about The Walking Dead finale so here's mine: Hurley wakes up in the mental hospital and realizes it was all a wet dream.

• No wait! Here's my The Walking Dead fake finale spoiler: fan of the comic book series continues to buy the trades even though they're getting more and more boring and Charlie Adlard is still drawing the art. How many times do I have to read two or three pages about a character before some other character finally calls them by name so I can quizzically say, "Oh! That's who that was?!"

• Currently, Cyborg is being hassled by the government because he has "unregulated technology". I mean, he is unregulated technology? It doesn't really matter. The main thing to focus on is that the government is, once again, being a bunch of Douchéstorks. Here's how government apparently works: a bunch of ignorant people become frightened of something that causes sadness, corporations see an opportunity to make a ton of money by playing on this fear and lobby the government for laws that will help calm the populace while also increasing their revenue in some way, government officials receive generous kickbacks to get the proposed laws on the book, some weird fucking kid has a hallucination on the steps of congress, and the bill becomes a law! Everybody has a new illusion of safety! Hooray!

• If you read the last bullet point and came away with the idea that I'm anti-government, you couldn't be more wrong. The government serves many important functions and should actually serve a bunch more for the real comfort and safety of the people. It's the politicians and their fervent, idiotic bases who would rather be angry and ignorant than knowledgeable and happy whom I despise.

• The government has brought Captain Marvel along to arrest Cyborg because he's obviously quite dangerous being a black man. I mean, a man with unregistered cybertechnology who will be treated like any other white guy with the same technology. Except that's not true, is it? The white guy with unregistered cybertechnology was offered a job with the government. The black guy is getting hassled and physically attacked!

• This issue is called "Pub Lice Nemy #1". I don't get it.

• Forty-five days ago, Cyborg told the Justice League, "I'm a fucking member of this League, right? So for once, you're going to deal with my fucking problems! And don't think you're going to run off on some Superman or Batman adventure while dealing with my problems! I'm calling Dibs, you fuckers! Stop treating me like a junior member of this squad! I mean league!"

• It might not be a bad idea to have Cyborg join the Suicide Squad. It needs a Rick Flag-esque ethical compass on it!

• After the flashback, the narrative returns to Captain Marvel and Cyborg's fistfight. But with a sly wink and a touch to the side of the nose to the reader! Because now we know this is all show! Probably.

• See? Just like I explained earlier!

• Forty days ago, Cyborg and Batman hung out in the Batcave exchanging knowing glances as they did all sorts of illegal things. But illegal in a good way because they're good guys! Duh!

• Also in that scene in the Batcave, Cyborg shows some non-exciting reasons why he's useful. Like how he can read legislation in a nanosecond and point out the bits that are important to their case. I think that used to be one of Alfred's jobs!

• Batman and Cyborg discover that anybody with any kind of cybernetic implant will be controllable by the government if the legislation passes. Also, Cyber-Tech's CEO and shareholders will become filthy rich. Cyber-Tech's employees will have to figure out their own health insurance and 401K because the company has to pay so many taxes!

• Why is Superman acting like the government hasn't tried to do the same thing to him multiple times? And why is Wonder Woman being such a dick about it?

• Cyborg casually tells Superman that he could murder him in less than five seconds. Dude! Chill!

• Cyborg tells everybody his plan to defeat the American government and then shows his friends his penis.

They likey!

• "Showing them his penis" is a euphemism for revealing that he can turn into a human and not a joke about something that's bigger than a breadbox and can be put in my mouth. It's also a reference to how the Cyborg character had issues with being an emasculated black male made safe for white consumption by destroying his genitals. Kind of like how that rich white asshole Santa Claus had his elf pull out all of the teeth of the Abominable Snowman and then put it in chains. Fucking Rudolf. I can't believe that racist propaganda is shown every year! And don't think I don't know what Rankin and Bass really meant when they were calling the Abominable Snowman a "bumble"! Bastards!

• If anybody has read That Cavortin' Bastard's rant on Rudolf and is now thinking, "Christ, Tess! You just stole all of those revelations from That Bastard!", you should realize that I wrote that.

• Cyborg's big plan was to get caught by the government. And it's successful! I guess he just needed the Justice League to stay out of it so he could destroy Cyber-Tech from within.

The Omega Men #10

I'm surprised DC has been competent enough to let Trevor Hutchison do every cover of this series. Best set of covers ever. That's probably not hyperbole.

Rating: This is currently my favorite monthly comic book from DC Comics. Yes, it surprised me too. I remember back in the eighties passing this comic book by on the shelves because it looked boring and the characters all had boring names. Broot was brutish. Demonia looked demonic. Doc was a doctor. Unless he wasn't. But I assumed he was! Felicity was a cat. The Green Man was green. Harpis was harpy-like. Kalista was beautiful. Primus was leader. Tigorr was a tiger. You get the idea! And if pink-clad Lobo seemed too "wolf-like", Giffen made sure to remind everybody that his name meant "He who devours ones entrails and thoroughly enjoys it." I think. That definition is off the top of my head. The characters have the same names in this series but that's to be expected! It wouldn't be The Omega Men without the same characters! This is a Reboot, not a Totally-Forget-Everything-You've-Ever-Known-Boot!

I'm probably not going to comment much on this book because I simply want to read it and take it in and enjoy it. I don't remember being so eager for a story to finish since the SAS story arc in Hitman. And yes, yes, I know. A bunch of you pussies are thinking right now, "But if you like it so much, why would you want it to end?!" Go fuck yourselves.

After the revelation that the Citadel murdered everybody on Voorl for profit, the rest of the Vega System has erupted into chaos and rebellion. Especially Karna because it seems The Citadel has its sights on making Karna their next Stellarium Mine. Which means putting an awful lot of kitty cats in a sack and finding a nice big lake to toss them into. The worlds of the Vega System are on their own because the planets that need Stellarium to prevent going all Krypton don't really give a shit about the Citadel's methods. Unless, of course, The Citadel can't produce any Stellarium. And then they'll remind a galactic court how The Citadel committed genocide.

Karna manages to fight off the Citadel but it's only the beginning of the rebellion. The Viceroy's life is at stake. If he can't manage to turn one planet into a Stellarium Mine, he'll be tried for genocide and executed. It was the Omega Men who won up until this point because they were desperate and had nothing to lose. Now it's the Viceroy's turn.

Lois and Clark #6

Oh no! Lois and Jon have been miniaturized and trapped in a scope! In other news, Dan Jurgens' foreshortening still just looks like a person with tiny legs.

Rating: I like to give Dan Jurgens a hard time because he's a robot and robots can't be insulted. Unless you translate the insult directly into machine code. That goes the same for compliments so even though I'm about to compliment Dan Jurgens for this comic book series, unfortunately he'll never get any Warm Fuzzies from it since I don't know machine code. Even though I dislike children, especially children raised by Lois Lane, I don't let it ruin this book for me. This might be the best Superman title currently on the shelves. I just put in the "might" to leave me an out when somebody tells me I'm a fucking prick for my opinion. Although I shouldn't worry. This book is about Preboot Superman whom everybody loves! Nobody would ever pick New 52 Superman over Preboot Superman! Although I'm still partial to Golden Age Superman (who should exist again since the Crisis on Infinite Earths was successfully averted!).

• Superman's mother's name was Martha. I'm reminding everybody of that fact now just in case it becomes important later in the story. I don't think it will. But you never know!

• Now I'm picturing a Citizen Wayne where Bruce Wayne croaks out "Martha" on his deathbed and Clark Kent must investigate the importance of the name. I'm assuming Clark Kent is a shitty journalist who is really only good at writing op-ed pieces on Superman otherwise the movie will be over in five minutes. I don't know what Bruce could drop while croaking "Martha". I considered Citizen Kal-el where Superman could be dropping the Bottled City of Kandor while croaking "Martha" and the World's Greatest Detective could investigate the mystery but I think it works better the other way, both for the parody name and Clark being a journalist. Also Bruce Wayne practically is Charles Foster Kane.

• Cora Benning, Lois's publisher, use The Hollies' "Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)" as her ringtone for calls from Lois. I suppose that makes sense since Dan Jurgens only knows music up until about 1986. That's the year he was built without any ability to upgrade his memory.

• I had to ask Lord Google about the lyrics presented in the comic book (which are just the title of the song which I wouldn't have recognized by name anyway). After hearing it on YouTube, I absolutely recognized it. I think it was used in Dog Food commercials.

• Intergang discovers that Lois White is Author X. That's probably why they shrink her and her son down and trap them in a sniper's scope.

• A reality show called Bad Ass Nation about supervillains screws up and puts people's lives in danger. That looks like a job for Superman!

• If 1986 had a reality television show, it would be called Bad Ass Nation.

• Another job for Superman? Saving Lois and Jon from Intergang! But that one is less important than the one where cars are falling off of a bridge because Lois can take care of herself.

• One of the reasons Superman loves Lois is because she doesn't need him. Batman is the guy who falls in love with people who need him. Or at least need his dick. Like Catwoman.

• Lois and Jon are about to die in a fire set by Intergang and Jon throws a tantrum. Fucking little prick. I knew I hated him.

• Superman is still too busy to save his family because he's dealing with Bad Ass Nation's mess.

• Why does the cover show a sniper trying to kill Lois and Jon when Intergang decided to burn them alive instead?

• Jon goes through puberty during his tantrum and gains his super powers that we all knew he'd eventually have. He probably only has half of Superman's powers though. So he shoots heat vision out of one eye and can only fly in circles.

• Meanwhile this happens to Hank Henshaw.

Deathstroke #16

I'm already over the Martha jokes.

Rating: This comic book isn't worth reading. You know when it was worth reading? Back when Rob Liefeld was writing and drawing it. Oh boy! That was so much fun! No wait. That wasn't worth reading either. But it was fun writing about it! Deathstork needs another revamp that goes a lot further than making him younger and his balls smoother.

• To me, the worst thing about the "Martha? What do you mean Martha?!" scene in Batman Loves Superman is that it makes a mockery of the exact moment of the film that should be a revelation to Batman. It just shows what kind of a tone deaf director Zack Snyder is and how he has nobody around him willing to edit him. Because from that one scene alone, I can picture the moment he discovered that Clark and Bruce's mothers shared the same name. A really dim fucking light bulb went off over his head and he pulled a notebook from his shirt pocket to scribble, "Sperman and Bathman finds out mothers both Martha. MINDS BLOWN!" And that was it. He based a fucking movie on that scene. I went into this movie ready for the worst because I hate when heroes battle each other. But I was surprised that by making Superman such a careless asshole in Man of Steel, the premise works in this movie. How could nobody in the production of this movie pull Zack Snyder aside and tell him to make that scene more powerful. Drop the whole "Martha" angle and let Lois get there a tiny bit sooner. Let Lois show her love and concern for the human behind the alien. Let Batman see Superman's humanity without this clunker of a revelation that Zack thought was a mind blowing coincidence that the entire movie could turn on. That scene should have been emotional. Instead it's become an internet meme.

• Still, it doesn't ruin the movie for me because I'm not a four year old.

• This issue begins with a flashback scene to show what an asshole friend Rose Wilson can be. Some dick named Lawman shows up at her door, tells her that her friend is going to betray her, and Rose allows him to kill her friend without any more evidence than a dick with skullhead and a lousy nickname tells her so. She and her father deserve each other. I don't think Rose knows her brother's actual name either!

• Deathstroke is still young because that's another dim bulb idea that some other asshole thought would be an exciting development. Instead it's meant nothing and done nothing to make the writing on Deathstork any better. I guess DC doesn't think old characters sell. Well, guess what, DC? Uninteresting characters don't sell either!

• This issue is called "Blood From A Stone" so I guess Etrigan is going to emerge from Cyborg's butthole.

• Red Hood has been hired to "kick Deathstork's ass". I didn't realize he was in the Contract Ass-Kicking business.

Touché!

• Why is there an accent on "Douchéstroke"?

• While Douchéstork battles Red Hood, he thinks about gunslingers and takes a shot at Wild Bill Hickok for playing poker with his back to the saloon's entrance. It misses, though, because Hickok was 39 when slain and I have to think that's a pretty ripe age for a gunslinger. Also, Hickok apparently tried to change seats several times but everybody else at the Poker Table wanted to be gunslingers who lasted.

• Douchéstork loves to Narration Box during battle. It's a good thing he does or else the reader wouldn't understand why Douchéstork doesn't defeat Red Hood in two panels. I just love reading a character's internal monologue of excuses for sucking.

• Playing a game? Red Hood expressly told you that he was paid to kick your ass, dum-dum.

• Red Hood's pistols smoke like a blunderbuss. He should have them checked out. Twentieth century guns should not smoke like that.

• Douchéstork is beaten by Red Hood. Normally that wouldn't happen in his own comic book but Douchéstork has a few pages of Narration Boxes to explain why it happened this time.

• Douchéstork mentions how his daughter was kidnapped and Red Hood begins to soften up. Not enough to stop trying to beat the shit out of a guy bleeding to death. But it helps to build their relationship for later after Red Hood regains consciousness from being blown up by a rocket launcher shot by Victor Ruiz from inside a helicopter that's come to rescue Slade. Suspension of disbelief, don't fail me now!

• Victor has information on Rose's location. After the last two locations Victor gave Douchéstork were basically deathtraps, it's no surprise Douchéstork decides to investigate the third location. He and Victor head into Copper Cliff, Montana, to look for Rose while leaving Red Hood in the helicopter so he can save them after they fall into the trap.

• Guess what? It's a trap! Slade is stabbed in the back by Victor after confronting Snakebite after which Rose and Lawman appear to finish him off. I sure hope Red Hood wakes up soon!

• No I don't. That was a lie. I hope Douchéstork is killed.

Batman and Robin Eternal #26

Hooray! Four less comics to buy in April!

Rating: Well that's that! Don't let the bat-door hit you on the way out! I don't have much more to say than my irreverent comments that follow except maybe this: Dick should have become Batman at the end of this. I think it's time for a better, younger, tighter-assed (literally not metaphorically!) Batman! Batman, with his memory intact, could have passed the cowl to Dick and gone back to Julie Madison and the community center. That could have become a new comic book, something like Box Office Poison where it just relies on people and their relationships rather than crazy Gotham villains murdering innocents. Bruce could have fired Alfred for being such a dick while Bruce had amnesia which could begin another comic book series where Alfred spirals into darkness until he gets a job playing the organ at the local roller rink. I wonder if DC would give me a job writing that comic book? The other comic book that should have come out of this series is the one starring Harper, Cullen, Stephanie, and Cassandra and has a theme song similar to The Facts of Life.

• Harper remembers a moment with her mother that probably never really happened the way Harper remembers it. I don't remember ever having a touching moment like that with either of my parents! Parents don't say loving, intimate, hopeful shit like that, do they? DO THEY?!

• Instead of killing Cassandra like nobody but Dick Grayson and Mother thought Harper might do, Harper throws the knife into Mother's machinery and disrupts Operation Make Teenagers Worse Than They Already Are.

• Harper kicks Mother's ass while telling Mother "You don't know me!" Fucking Shakespearean, man! That wasn't sarcastic. You've seen Romeo and Juliet, right? It's basically three hours of "You don't know me!"

• Fucking Loot Crate advertisement. How about I spend money on things I actually want instead of paying a monthly subscription to experience the slightest amount of excitement by opening a present full of the same shit thousands of other people are also opening so that they can be unique specimens of geekdom. I should start Grunion Guy Box! For a small fee, I'll send you some of my extra crap I have lying around the house that I don't fucking care about anymore! Some old Magic cards! A painted ceramic van! An old digital camera! A Badtz-Maru paper organizer!

• The good guys think they've won. But then Mother gets the upper hand! But then the good guys get the upper hand! But then Mother gets the upper hand! But then the good guys get the other hand! But then...you know what? It probably goes on like this for a few more pages before the good guys ultimately get the upper hand and win the day. How about we just assume that's the case and move right on to the denouement?

• I know Midnighter is gay but I think he and Catwoman would make a cute couple. Maybe they can use Catman as a third party male-to-female connector?

• Mother goes all Bond villain and destroys her headquarters by flooding it with lava. I know that's not the denouement but it's practically the end of the back and forth. All that's left is for Cassandra to beat Mother's ass without killing her and everybody will nod in tandem, understanding exactly what that means. I would say what it means because I totally know but I don't want to spoil the learning experience of other people who haven't figured it out yet.

• Dick is robbed of humiliating Mother by putting her through the American judicial system because Orphan comes back from being dead to kill Mother.

• See? I knew the denouement would be good. Too bad DC thinks the action parts are the best parts of the comic book. This book should have been less end battle and more after battle celebration.

• The story gets an epilogue with Harper and Batman. It's about time Batman got a non-flashback moment in this comic book! You would have thought he was dead or something.

• Harper tells Batman that her life is her own life. Isn't that what Batman was trying to tell her from the beginning?

• Harper decides to go to college instead of being a super hero. Isn't that what Batman wanted for her from the beginning?

• I don't think Harper realizes what a gift Batman gave her. By not taking her on as a sidekick, he allowed her to make her own choices. Even when she still chose to be a sidekick. Which he allowed her to do because it was her choice. And now she's choosing to give it up for awhile. Basically she's been living her life the way she chose. Just like Batman always wanted for her from the beginning.

• Cassandra takes the name Orphan and becomes a member of the Bat-family.

• Even Batman needs somebody to tell him he did the right thing now and then. What a needy bitch.

• Batman gives Dick a verbal hug and a pound of Warm Fuzzies. What is this? Earth-Not-Main Earth? Whichever Earth is the one where Batman can talk about his feelings?

• Batman and Robins jump off the building to go fight crime. And Batman doesn't even have to remind Red Hood not to kill anybody! The end!