Batman Eternal #39

The Riddler is about to ask Mr. Owl about Tootsie Pops.

I just picked up another one of my books from when I was a wee lad and read it while scanning Batman Eternal's cover. It was called My Little Book of Cats and now I'm a bawling, snotty, teary mess.

Why wasn't there a trigger warning on this thing?!

The author, N. Gretchen Greiner, died in 1988 so I wasn't able to send an email telling her how much this book touched me just now. So instead, I sent virtual flowers to her virtual grave (with pictures of her real grave!) and a note of thanks at Find a Grave dot Com. I wonder if anybody ever comes by to clear out the clutter of virtual flowers and notes? Do I have to keep going back if I want her grave adorned with flowers and a note exerting my ego onto her resting place because people have to know that I took the time to appreciate her work?

You know what work I didn't appreciate recently? Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning! Holy crap was that the worst one of the series so far! First off, Jason Voorhees isn't in it. Spoiler alert! The killer is a fucking EMT who decides the appropriate way to react when he finds out that the kid he ditched at childbirth after the mother died was killed by a kid at a work farm for kids with mental problems. The kid that murdered this guy's son is hauled off and placed safely in jail while the EMT goes about murdering anybody else he can find, whether or not they had any connection to the work farm. And after he's dead and the movie needs one of those big twist shocker endings that became the film series' signature endings, Tommy (the kid that murdered Jason at the end of the fourth (and final!) chapter that was played by Corey Feldman. But he's not Corey anymore because it's something like five years later which means that Part V took place in 1990 (but filmed in 1985 (and probably not canonically "1990" but if you were paying attention to dates during the other movies, this one took place in 1990, dammit!))) gets out of his hospital bed and puts on the hockey mask the EMT was wearing that somehow ended up in his hospital dresser and then murders Pam, the psychologist or assistant or whatever she was. It doesn't make any sense! I think you're supposed to think Tommy is the killer throughout the movie and then when he isn't and "Jason" is dead, we're supposed to be relieved. And then shocked when we find out that Tommy has gone crazy like we thought he had but then realized he hadn't but, No!, he really had!

The worst part about this installment was the special effects. I know Tom Savini did the effects for the first one and maybe some of the others before Part V and they were all pretty good and gory. But in this movie, the special effects guys weren't even trying. Most of the shots were of a hatchet being raised, then a reaction shot from the victim, then the victim's arm falling to the ground. I think they blew their wad on the guy getting the flare shoved in his mouth since that was shown on camera where the shot lingered for a few seconds. It wasn't great but at least you saw the kill! One woman gets killed by hedge clippers and you just see her scream, then the hedge clippers are raised and lowered, and then the shot shows the hands of the murderer closing the clippers. Not once do you see the victim stabbed. It's all left to your imagination. Except later when the body is discovered and we get a look at her face which just looks like someone covered her eyes with red dye. At one point a guy gets his head cut off while riding a motorcycle. Sounds gruesome, right?! Maybe if seeing a blade flash out in front of the camera which shows the perspective of the guy riding the cycle, then the shot changes to the cycle's tires going by, and then somebody tosses a rubber head across the frame without any blood or gore at all makes you queasy.

So Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning has a horrible plot, a lousy murderer, a crappy twist ending, and the shittiest special effects of the series so far. But it does have a lot more naked boobies than the others! It also seems to be the first one to really begin introducing the stupid, silly, jokey characters that make the movie seem rather silly instead of scary. Perhaps somebody pointed out that A Nightmare on Elm Street, released the previous year, had a character that kept cracking one liners and it made a ton of money (maybe. I'm pretty sure it was successful!). So they said, "Make sure that shit is funny! Maybe throw in a fat guy that has chocolate smeared all over his face and candy bars squirreled away in every pocket. Get it?! He's fat! So he eats like a slob and loves candy! Ha ha! Fat people! Can you believe they can eat so much?!"

Oh shit. Um, sorry Batman! Why do I keep forgetting this blog is about comic books! I blame N. Gretchern Greiner for distracting me this time! And then the shitty segue I came up with to begin talking about Friday the 13th!

If you're so smart, Red Robin, why didn't figure out the riddle on sight as well?

Don't worry, everybody! Batman has it figured out! He'll take it from here like he always does. And while he heads off to the Pineskills Casino to confront The Riddler, Mister Freeze is captured by a bunch of men with guns on his way to Blackgate Prison, and Vicki Vale gets the hardest assignment of her career: she must learn the truth! Ha ha! That's a good one! News outlets don't want truth anymore! They just want access to politicians and police whenever they need a quote or an interview. So why would they want to ferret out the truth of the statements made by those people?! Better to have access to their lies than point out that they're liars and lose them completely.

Once Batman finds The Riddler, he learns that Nygma received a poorly designed invitation as well but chose to ignore it because none of the "i"s were dotted with little question marks. But that doesn't mean The Riddler doesn't want to play his own game. So he challenges Batman to answer more riddles before he'll help Batman uncover the person behind Gotham's problems.

Meanwhile a whole bunch of super villains have been freed from incarceration and gathered together on the street along with Catwoman who got an invite and actually decided it was worth her time to show.

I have some advice for you Batman! Just give up and move to Metropolis already.

The person behind it all gives all of these goons every resource taken from Batman and Wayne Enterprises. Money, weapons, huge batsuits equipped with Gatling gun fists. They receive them all and are told to begin fucking up Gotham.

Oh man. I hope Wrath isn't behind all of this!

The Riddler refuses to help Batman and would rather die in an avalanche. So they're consumed by snow. Too bad for Riddler, I'm looking at the cover of Batman Eternal #40 right now and it looks like the avalanche doesn't help him get away. But there's good news for Vicki Vale! The deadline on her Truth Report has just been extended!

Other bad news: she might be too dead to take advantage of the extra time.

Batman Eternal #39 Rating: No change. I really have forgotten what it's like to just sit down and read a comic book without wanting to suddenly write about it and maybe go off on a tangent for five minutes before getting back to the comic book where the entire flow of the story has been interrupted by my need to write about Friday the 13th. Are comic books even worth reading when you're not entertaining yourself by writing about them and cracking stupid jokes? I don't think they're worth three to four dollars without all this extra commenting fun! I guess, in a way, I'm more entertained by myself than I am by the comic books. Yay for me!

Futures End #36

Where the fuck are Bangers and Mash?! How dare they leave Fifty Sue's lesbian aunts out of the family photograph!

This is kind of a nice family portrait. You've got Grandpa Frank Rock, Aunt Voodoo, Mother Twofer Lang and Father Cole Lang, Daughter and center of everything Fifty Sue, Uncle Faraday and Cousin Mercy! Maybe Bangers and Mash rubbing clitorises is the thing they're all looking at in a shocked manner. Except Fifty Sue who just looks intrigued.

Speaking of rubbing clitorises, here's a nice passage from Richard F. Burton's translation of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night:

Now the chief reason of her sojourn with her son, King Hardub of Greece, was on account of the slave virgins at his court: for she was given to tribadism and could not exist without sapphism or she went mad: so if any damsel pleased her, she was wont to teach her the art of rubbing clitoris against clitoris and would anoint with saffron till she fainted away for excess of volupty.

Is this the first Western literary mention of scissoring? No wonder this book had to be "traded" through a private book club called the Kama Shastra Society! The content would have been breaking decency laws left, right, and back to the left again!

There is a note on the word "tribadism" which I'll add after I say this: Trigger Warning for horrible historical stuff interpreted through the eyes of Richard F. Burton's thoughts which aren't mine at all because they are his! I've found some people find Burton's notes to be offensive to their modern sensibilities. I think they're as intriguing as any historical document in that he's always trying to be as honest to himself and what he believes to be true. Any bias tends to be the bias of a mid to late nineteenth century Englishman and, quite often, Burton shows a level of introspection far above what was probably common at the time. Just by publishing these stories (along with the Kama Sutra) in as stark and honest a translation as he could, he shows his pursuit of honest representation of the stories (although it's quite probable he was just in honest pursuit of a good, stiff boner). Although, as you would expect, as a privileged voice speaking about othered people, he gets an awful lot wrong, and often treats hearsay and his own observations as scientific proofs of reality.

Arab. "Sahákah," lit. rubbing. The Moslem Harem is a great school for this "Lesbian (which I would call Atossan) love"; but the motive of the practice lies deeper. As amongst men the mixture of the feminine with the masculine temperament leads to sodomy, so the reverse makes women prefer their own sex. These tribades are mostly known by peculiarities of form and features, hairy cheeks and upper lips, gruff voices, hircine odour and the large projecting clitoris with erectile powers known to the Arabs as "bazar" hence Tabzir=circumcision or amputation of such clitoris. Burckhardt (Prov. 436) translates "Bazarah" by slut or wench. He adds "it originally signifies the labia which the Cairenes also entitle Zambúr and which are cut off in girlhood." See also Lane, Lex. s.v; Tabzír. Both writers confuse excision of the nymphæ with circumcision of the clitoris (Zambúr). Al-Siyúti (Kitab al-Izá' fi'Ilm al-Nikah) has a very interesting chapter on Sapphic venery, which is well known to Europe as proved by such works as Gamiani and Anandria ou Confessions de Mademoiselle Sappho, avec la Clef, Lesbos, 1778. Onanism is fatally prevalent: in many Harems and girls' schools tallow-candles and similar succedanea are vainly forbidden and bananas when detected are cut into four so as to be useless; of late years, however, China has sent some marvellous artificial phalli of stuffed bladder, horn and even caoutchouc, the latter material of course borrowed from Europe.

And on that extra special mention of rubber dildos to end a 19th century note on scissoring, let's read some Futures End!

Thanks for pointing out the obvious, you barn owl! Now how about looking into the future to find out how you guys heal him! Or to find out if he dies and you're all just wasting your time. I have a theory as to how he can be healed though! Let Brainiac stick Black Canary's face in his chest!

Frankenstein is being poisoned by the Nth Metal. Probably because it's full of Hawkman Herpes. I think this is a clue to use the Nth Metal against Brainiac! Just inject him full of this shit and let it go wild in his circuitry! He'll start getting really aggressive and then start shouting about flat taxes and job providers and how the stupid poor assholes keep trying to turn politics into class warfare! And then his final, resisting logic circuit will realize how big of an asshole blowhard he's become and it will politely shut itself down. Futures End!

Constantine shows up to make light of the situation, just like every cis bisexual white guy that thinks other people's problems are so fucking hilarious. Is their worry not important, Constantine? How dare you act flippant and deny them the seriousness of the situation. Fucking dick. Shouldn't you just shut up and listen unless you have a solution to the problem? And even if you do have a solution, how fucking dare you think the women and the corpses can't solve their own problems!

Speaking of Constantine, it's January so why is DC Comics still running the advert for the Constantine television show's premiere on October 24th? Do they think their readers have access to time travel technology?

But don't worry about Constantine, guys! Amethyst stabs him through the heart.

"How do you like them ally apples, bitch?"

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Fifty Sue recovers the Cadmus DNA Vault and everybody rejoices. "Hooray for the scary Godmonster that thankfully currently wants to work with us instead of making us all nonexistent!"

Constantine isn't really dead though. Just his projection of himself was killed. He wakes up in Smallville with his friend Midge who is no longer acting all Pro-Brainiac. Or at least less vehemently Pro-Brainiac than her last appearance. They leave the motel room to go look for Superman.

Yes! Subtly threaten him so that he censors himself! It's not as good as stabbing him through the heart but you probably can only get away with that if you're inside the House of Mystery's sitting room which is probably outside of the law.

Did the motel room not have running water? Come on, Midge! Clean off that bear shit. Maybe she did shower but then she put on Constantine's coat to cover up. Maybe that isn't bear shit at all but nicotine stains.

Constantine points out that Smallville is an evil place full of Brainiac's taint. And it's possible that the intense evil caused a vacuum that sucked in as much good as possible to counteract it. And that's why the Kents lived there! Because they were such fucking sticky sweet goody-goodies. And that's possibly why Superman's ship crashed there. And it's possibly why the blacksmith fucked up the cemetery sign and spelled it "Cemetary." Maybe. That's just my theory.

Meanwhile in New York, bom chicka wah wah.

What color were Batman Beyond's balls? Blue! One blew this way and one blew that way!

Seriously though, how scary would fucking Plastique be? I've been crushing hard on her in this comic series and even I'd be scared shitless having her explody hands all over my private bits. But I guess that's why Terry McBatman is the hero and I'm just a blogger.

Fucking perv, I swear.

Finally, aboard the Justice League Defense Station Omega, Billy and Darius talk about how important symbols are because without symbols people may as well be Styrofoam cups full of Jello. And then they meet Firestorm who uses the transporter to gain access to the satellite. You'd think Firestorm would be a little bit freaked out by teleportation equipment at the moment. But not Madison! She got right back in that quantum tube of entanglement and beamed right back into life.

Futures End #36 Rating: No change. This has been an issue of Futures End. Thank you for watching.

Futures End #35

For a moment, I thought Plastique was kissing the half-Joker-faced Batman.

Some jerko keeps trying to tell me how to read Red Hood and the Outlaws every time I trash it! As if I don't understand what I'm reading! What am I? Some kind of dumb dumb?! No, I'm sorry, Tsetsemymy (or whatever your name is!)! I like to read well written stories where the author has put some thought into the characters. "Angsty teenager with problems and a troubled past" isn't a particularly well-fleshed out character, especially when it can be used to describe each one of your characters ("But that's what bonds them," shouts Zizzyzzizzypit!). I guess I could not care about the ability of the author and contort my mind by rationalizing every shitty moment in the book as insightful. But why should I put more work into reading the book than the writer put into writing it?! One thing I can admit: the problem is my problem! I suppose I could think of "horrible writing" as Lobdell's "style" and just enjoy the book for the mindless piece of garbage it is. Or I could just get a fucking lobotomy.

Why did I even bring up Red Hood and the Outlaws? Now I'm angry! And Futures End is going to pay for it! You better be written well this week, Futures End! Because I've got a souvenir mini-baseball bat and I'm not afraid to use it. Repeatedly!

That threat would work better if Futures End had legs or a lower back.

This issue begins with Firestorm battling Doctor Polaris. Now I feel like I need to defend how well each character has been defined! But I don't want to! I could if I wanted to though which means I guess I need to or else nobody will believe me. First off, Firestorm has flaming hair while Doctor Polaris has a Galactus Hat on. See how well differentiated they are already? One is red and the other one is purple. One is male and incorporeal while the other is female and very, very corporeal. Although part of Firestorm isn't corporeal at all which means he and Doctor Yamazake are almost interchangeable! Luckily the writers thought of that and made one black while the other is Japanese. Whew! That was a close one! This comic book was almost as bad as Red Hood and the Outlaws.

Red Robin alias Tim Drake alias Gary Crockerjock or something has noticed the big super hero battle and is rushing in to save the day (even though he has no super powers). But what he does have is a cock which Madison doesn't have which means, in comic book terms, she is going to need saving (even though she has lots and lots of super powers). That's just the way things work in comic books! Don't blame me for explaining them to you.

Doctor Yamazake sends a tiny shard of metal through Firestorm's chest. But he probably should have hit the Biology books a bit harder while he was getting a doctorate because he misses all of her most important internal organs like the one that pumps all of her blood and the one where the soul is kept. But it does hurt enough that she crashes to the ground like a great big flaming damsel in distress.

Don't worry! I'm sure his machismo will only get him in trouble and then Madison will have to save him.

Firestorm blasts Doctor Polaris and destroys his armor leaving nothing behind. Because he's a ghost, remember?! A ghost with the power of magnetism! Madison saves Cal and deposits him in the grass where he can dream that he saved the day.

Is Jason Rusch realizing he likes kissing guys? Just a little bit too late though now that Ronnie's dead.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Sequel (alias Fifty Sue alias Godmonster) tries to bond with Twofer Lana Lang by threatening her with death. Sequel thinks of Twofer Lana Lang as her mother so that's pretty much the exact way to go about that. At least from my experience growing up around my mother and my sister. And it seems to work insomuch as Twofer Lana Lang isn't scared of Sequel anymore, so the death threats fall on deaf, and tired, ears.

If you're tired of hearing me refer to the people of Earth-2 as Twofers because it sounds so racist, then you're in the right mindset. I'm just siding with the correct side to side with! DC Comics has told me time and time again that the characters on Earth-Main-Earth are the characters we should care about. And I'm not going to besmirch Lana Lang by treating Twofer Lana Lang as a replacement! She's not fit to wear the shoes of Earth-Main-Earth Lana Lang! I mean, technically, the shoes would fit perfectly. But metaphorically, she needs to keep her smelly Twofer feet out of them!

See? Sequel agrees! Is agreeing with Fifty Sue a good thing or a bad thing?

Twofer Lana Lang slaps the shit out of Sequel and the audience gasps! Some of the audience probably cheered but Fifty Sue winked them out of existence and now nobody even remembers them or their horrible cheering ways. Twofer Lana demands that if she's going to be Sequel's mother, Sequel is going to have to start listening to her and do as she says. No eight year old is going to push a grown woman around! Even if the eight year old is from Earth-Main-Earth and the grown woman is from Earth-2 and everybody on Earth-Main-Earth would be okay with the little girl being in charge. But Fifty Sue wants a mother, so she allows Twofer Lana Lang to take on the role, slaps, lectures, knitted socks for Christmas, and all.

Maybe this is all Batman needs to do to Jason Todd! Slap him and give him this speech! No wait. I think Alfred should do this to Bruce!

Aboard the Carrier, Ray Palmer and Amethyst have a philosophical discussion about Frankenstein's living undeath situation. His dead flesh has been healed by the Nth Metal which has only allowed him to be killed. Although nobody is pointing out how the Nth Metal brought Hawkman back to life. Why doesn't it want to bring Frankenstein back to life? Or is it restoring him to death since that would be restoring Frank's body parts to their original state?

Father Time might be able to help but he's pouting in a jar next to a facehugger in a jar. That sounds like an Odd Couple sitcom waiting to happen.

Amethyst takes Frankenstein because this sounds like just the kind of Quest a magical fantasy character like Amethyst should be going on! Ray stays behind to figure out how Stormwatch and SHADE, the two organizations he now leads, are going to defend Earth against Brainiac when he arrives.

And in New York City, all kinds of hell breaks loose.

Batman was caught listening to podcasts when he's supposed to be solving mysteries.

Terry McBatman rescues Plastique while Batman McBatman battles Joker McBatman. Some kissing happens between the two characters you'd expect it to happen between. No, you idiots. The two kissing on the cover! After that, Batman McJoker asks Joker McBatman to kill the Batman McBatman. But he refuses because time paradox, duh!

Futures End #35 Rating: +1 Ranking because I really thought the scene between Fifty Sue and Twofer Lana had some oomph and some bozizzle. I hope those mean what I want them to mean.

Grayson Annual #1

Even with a comic I love by writers that have been doing a fantastic job, I do not look forward to reading an annual.

I've been burned by shitty annuals far too often in my comic book reading life to ever truly feel optimistic just before diving into a new one. It's possible it all started with Bloodlines. I was young and eager, innocent and naive when DC Comics decided they wouldn't just produce a summer annual event to rival all summer annual events! No! What they would do is get a bunch of writers and artists to brainstorm new creations and throw as many of them into comic books as possible to see how many would stick. Probably every other word I read that summer was a trademark symbol. DC didn't care about the quality of the plots or even the feasibility of the characters. They just wanted more and more potential money making characters to own! Some of them were bound to be the next Wolverine or, with a lot of luck, Batman! I'm fairly certain Hitman was the only one that ever really took off. If there were others, I've long forgotten about them all.

I would be kind of excited to dig out my old Bloodlines Annuals to reread them but I can't even make it through my stack of Blue Devils that I started months ago!

This story begins, as most stories do, with a woman bound and gagged in the trunk of a car. The cast of characters, as is usually the case in stories that begin with a woman bound and gagged in the trunk of a car (as most stories do), are Irish. And I can't help reading the comic book out loud with me 'orrible Irish accent.

Now see, the woman in that trunk, she goes by the name Helena Bertinelli, who, it's quite possible, ye may 'ave heard tell. She's, according to the bald man that apprehended her, the most wanted woman in the world. And because of that, he's looking to pass her on to somebody with money that has always wanted a Helena Bertinelli.

Rumor had it he died? He must be Dick Grayson! He's being too cheeky for his own good!

Dick's cover is that he suffered a head injury when a bomb he was building for Professor Pyg in Gotham blew up in his face. And because of the head injury, it seems Spyral's facial unrecognition hardware doesn't work on him. That's a pretty good "story" there, Dick!

No wait! Maybe Helena is Dick in disguise and the bald Irish guy is Helena in disguise! No, no! That's too convoluted! Of course, this is a Spyral job and Mister Minos loves convoluted.

DickHead (that's the bald guy! Isn't that the usual nickname for a bald guy? Especially one pretending not to be Dick Grayson?) mentions, in his story, that Helena (disguised as Cheshire) had a body guard (supposedly disguised as Headhunter) that was supposedly Dick Grayson. That's good! Add yourself to the story so it's tougher to guess that you're you, Dick!

See? People are super suspicious! Which is why you need to convince them with a good story!

The weakest part of Dickhead's story is how he wants to meet St. Francis face to face to shake his hand on the sale of Helena to him. Of course that's going to raise a lot of suspicions in St. Francis and his goons. So Dickhead tells them he strapped a bomb to Helena that's connected to a detonator on his wrist. If he hits one button or his heart stops, Helena blows up. And the only way he'll disarm the bomb is if he gets the money from St. Francis and shakes his hand on the deal. And then I bet he'll slip the watch on St. Francis's wrist and he'll go boom! Or maybe something less dramatic.

After Dickhead tells his story, he and St. Francis's two cohorts leave the pub. Now it's time for them to tell him a story! This one doesn't begin with a woman bound and gagged in the trunk of a car because it's a more modern take on an old standard. This one begins with "I think you're lying" and ends with "If ye are, ye'll be dead."

See?! Fucking Dick just can't stop acting cheeky!

Jesus Christ, Dick! Stop being so lovable! You're going to get yourself killed!

I bet Matches Malone gets a lot of calls like this and he probably never recognizes any name he's given. But he just goes, "Uh, um, oh yeah! Yeah! I know that guy! He really likes redheads, right? Doesn't stop smiling? Won't shut the fuck up? Great ass?" And boom! Dick's alias is confirmed and Batman just goes back to eating his cereal.

The next day, they all drive down to the cliffs of...I don't know, Saint Patrick?...to make the exchange with St. Francis. Before St. Francis arrives, Paddy tells him that St. Francis recently got hold of some black market skin. And that explains what Helena and Dick are doing going after St. Francis! He's got Paragon's skin!

St. Francis arrives and he agrees to shake hands with Dickhead. He promptly gets a left hook across his jaw and falls unconscious. As Dick removes his Dickhead mask, Helena gets up behind Paddy and Clare and that's that. Mission is a success!

And apparently the reason they couldn't use their hypnos is because they would have been detected by St. Francis using Paragon's stolen skin. Which, it turns out, is the skin of a Green Lantern?! Eww! I don't know why that's grosser than gross! It's like a live baby eating its way out of the back of a truck filled with dead babies!

Grayson Annual #1 Rating: There's a little more to the story, but isn't there always? How about I just leave it at that.

Batman Annual #3

Titling this Batman/Joker story arc "Endgame" seems a bit premature for a universe that's barely three years old. And in which we've only read one real Joker/Batman story. Possibly two. Maybe.

This issue begins with a flashback to five years ago when The Joker and Harley were still dating. They're planning a big circus in Gotham with lots and lots of laughing people in animal costumes that probably aren't dying from poison gas. No, no, don't worry about them. Convulsing on the floor and giggling is just part of the act! And because nobody in their right mind wants to go to a circus, the circus will come to the people and drive them straight out of their right mind!

Having just returned to Gotham after five years out of country, Thomas Blackcrow (who really began this issue in a cell in Arkham Manor but I didn't want to talk about him because he's just this guy, you know?), has decided to interview The Joker! It's going to be the biggest scoop of a lifetime! Just wait until Lois Lane hears about this one! She'll fucking piss her panties!

Following a tip, Thomas Blackcrow sneaks into The Joker's lair where he spies on him for a bit as he tries to come up with an angle for his story.

I have a good angle! Find out why anybody would be crazy enough to work for this maniac! How does he find enough muscle to pull off all his insane games? How does he pay for his elaborate traps?!

Oh wait. That story is solved on the very next page.

I guess it wasn't much of an angle.

My angle was better than the one Thomas Blackcrow comes up with! His angle is that The Joker is lonely and has no friends! Is that really much of an angle though? I mean, don't most men and women in positions of leadership forgo friendships because nobody can really be trusted? It doesn't seem like people are going to pick up their morning papers and feel sympathy when they read a maniac that terrorizes their city is fucking lonely.

But I get it. I know why he comes up with that angle. Because this story was called "Friends" and in it, we're going to learn why The Joker thinks of Batman as his friend. I should probably do a Friends update for this commentary! But I'm not going to because I'm way too busy to watch twenty minutes of a sitcom tonight.

And just in time to save Thomas Blackcrow, The Joker's BBF shows up!

That wasn't a typo! It's his Best Bat Friend! And the best Robin who has never let the world beat him down!

Batman and Robin haul in The Joker and Harley Quinn and Thomas Blackcrow publishes his piece called "The Loneliest Clown." Forget what I said about Lois Lane pissing her panties! Unless it's from laughter! This guy is a fucking hack! A clown! A joker!

So it's now one year after Tommy published his silly article and The Joker has escaped. And guess who he's come for?! His new bestest bud in all the world: Tommy Blackcrow!

I'm taking notes so I can try all of these things out on the next person I'd like to be my friend.

After this scare, The Joker is captured and put back in Arkham. But once again, peace for Tommy only lasts for six months.

The best part about this story so far is that it builds a nice history leading up to that Endgame story. So it's trying to help fix that problem I brought up in the caption for the cover scan. And all of these breakouts by The Joker aren't grand schemes that he's carrying out and making life difficult for Batman. It looks like The Batman catches him fairly easily each time. At least at first. I'm sure he's learning every time he battles The Bat.

That Joker is so sweet! Or did I mean creepy?

Once again, The Joker is caught only to escape one year later and visit Tommy again. This time Tommy is married and The Joker just comes by to meet his best friend's wife. They spend the evening looking at slides of The Joker's victims. But then it's time for The Joker to get back to work and Arkham, so he bids them adieu. For now.

Much later, Tommy's life falls apart as he constantly worries about The Joker's return. He checks up daily on The Joker's face to make sure it's still in the Gotham Police Department. Until one day he discovers The Joker has been working in the basement of his cabin, making faces for his next big joke to pull on Batman. And that's when Tommy finally loses it and gets thrown into Arkham. And that's where he meets Eric Border, his newest, bestest friend he's ever had ever!

Batman Annual #3 Rating: The Joker has made more friends than I have in the last ten years! Does that make me the loneliest clown now?

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2

"My name is Santa Claus. I invade homes and shoot Goddamn motherfuckers in the head once per year. I have such rabid fans that they can read a story about me written by Scott Lobdell and delude themselves into believing it was well written."

My stomach hurts just looking at this cover. For a fan of these characters who can somehow see past the horrible writing (and, worst, rationalize it as decent writing), this cover promises an exciting, hilarious Christmas romp. But for me, I just see a series of horribly unfunny jokes made by three of DC's most unlikable characters of The New 52.

Maybe this will be my Christmas Miracle! Maybe Scott Lobdell will finally put some effort into his plot and his characterization and his dialogue! Maybe the whole story won't rely on Narration Boxes telling what the character is thinking about the action and then more Narration Boxes telling me what the character is thinking about the previous Narration Boxes! Maybe it will even be...funny! Please, Baby Jesus, grant this miracle for me! Let me enjoy at least one Scott Lobdell comic book this year!

Holy fuck I'm in Hell.

So right off the bat, we get a Roy Harper as a small child with a boner joke, Deadpoolesque acknowledgement of the Narration Boxes, and outright lies from Starfire! They were on Tamaran this year and Roy Harper's Narration Boxes never stopped! So they do have them on Tamaran! Unless she means Tamaraneans don't Narration Box. But then Starfire has been known to engage in her own Narration Boxing, so she's still lying!

See? Although these Narration Boxes don't have her symbol to prove it's Starfire, you can tell from context it's her, the big cum dumpster!

Currently, The Outlaw Babies are sneaking down the staircase in Wayne Manor to spy on Santa Claus. In the background, Alfred Pennyworth is busy dusting when he should be busy grabbing his shotgun and blowing the shit out of the burglar in the Santa Claus outfit. How do I know it's a burglar, kids? Well duh! Because Santa Claus isn't real..ly that fat! Also, why would Santa Claus deliver crappy elf-made goods to Wayne Manor?! Whatever Bruce has purchased for the kids is going to be way better, bat-shaped, and deadlier than anything Santa's elves could make.

I told you it was too fat to be the real Santa Claus! Because I could totally tell and I wasn't just trying to cover up almost blowing the secret! Shush. You kids don't need to know what secret I'm talking about.

Oh no! It's the Suzie Su zombie Santa Claus against Red Hood and the Outlaw Muppet Babies! I'm laughing so hard right now! Ah ha ha ha!

Jason Todd Baby explains why they call themselves the Outlaws although they never really have because in Issue #37, Roy Harper admits that he's the only one that calls themselves that. But now he's decided they call themselves Outlaws, so I guess they call themselves Outlaws. They do it because they operate outside of the law! I mean, not in the same way Batman does. Or Superman does. Or every other fucking vigilante does. They do it in a cool way that's cool to the kids and makes them all cool and likable and full of angst and cool.

After they kill Suzie Su and scoop out her insides, Batman comes down to put them back to bed.

See? Being cool is important!

So far in the first nine pages, somebody has told somebody else to shut up or be quiet or shush six times! It's like the comic book is reading my mind! I've been screaming at them all to shut up every page! And six out of nine is almost every page! It's only like four or five off.

More proof that I used "cool" the correct amount of times when I described how Red Hood and the Outlaws operate.

Batman punishes the Outlaws by locking them in the Batcave where they can't get up to no good no matter how hard they try. Not like the Batcave is full of Batinternet without Porn Blockers or Teen Titans cartoons running on the monitor or a giant chocolate penny or a dinosaur that loves chocolate pennies or a Batmobile that eats super villains or a couple of gargoyles that look like Statler and Waldorf. Perfect place to ground some bratty brats that think killing an intruder that's trying to kill them is the proper way to act on Christmas Eve.

Red Hood and the Outlaws decide it's up to them to save Christmas! Because the adults are dicks and totally uncool and never actually know what's really going on ever. Especially that stupid Green Arrow one! How dare he use Roy to make all of his weapons and then allow Roy to be his sidekick so that Jason Todd could make that "worst sidekick ever" joke in Red Hood and the Outlaws #1 but then it turns out Roy was never actually his sidekick at all because Roy hated him for stealing his ideas and quit before he could become Green Arrow's sidekick. Although I'm sure part of Roy's hatred for himself stems from the fact that after telling Oliver Queen to go fuck himself, he crawled back to him and fought crime by his side for a few years.

Thanks! But it's the Narration Boxes that usually do all the cluttering, Narration Box!

Instead of being some kind of Egg Nog Nightmare, it looks like the Outlaws are suffering some kind of super villain mind trap that's making them think they're little kids! I hope Kori and Roy didn't get a good look at Alfred dusting while they were inside Wayne Manor or they might start making connections that Batman won't be happy about.

The Outlaw Babies arrive at the North Pole to find it in chaos. A battle has taken place here! Again! Poor Santa Claus! He must hate modern pop culture and its incessant need to declare war on Christmas! I wonder if Lobo was just here? Or was it American Dad and his family? Oh wait! It was probably Suzie Su's gang! Or some other Red Hood enemy. Maybe one with mind control technology! Or a laser ray gun blaster that turns people into little kid versions of themselves.

I'm going to invent that Super Villain! And I'm going to name him Pederast!

Santa's reindeer have become rabid, so the Outlaw Babies put them out of their misery. Next they're probably going to have to battle a muscular elf with dual automatic rifles and a belt full of grenades!

They split up and while Roy gets his nuts cracked, Kori faces off against Mrs. Claus the Gingerbread Woman.

That's too bad because Starfire loves coming.

The actual real enemy is a being called Plytus, a Psion. Plytus used his (or her?) psionic powers to make the Outlaws drink drugged Egg Nog and then forced them on their Santa Claus hunting mission so that Jason Todd would come murder Plytus. I think. Maybe? I haven't read Chapter Four yet but I think this is the chapter where the villain explains the entire plan so the reader doesn't feel confused by the story.

Plytus was banished to Earth's arctic by Helspont because Earth's arctic region is the most foreboding, desolate, inhospitable place in the universe, I guess. Plytus just wanted to die and because it once tortured Starfire, it was able to mentally link with her or something and learn about Jason Todd's love of dealing death or something. So Jason Todd kills it and then threatens Helspont because Jason Todd is a bad-ass that knows a bullet can solve everything.

When Jason Todd points at Helspont in the camera, we get a bit of Old Portugese [sic]! And it's a direct message from Scott Lobdell! Here, finally, we get his real voice! It says, "Please add some interlac-style lettering inside the camera-circle. The JASON TODD only words we recognize RED HOOD and please add". Obviously the note was to the letterer and initially read "The only words we recognize, Jason Todd and Red Hood." But the letterer couldn't keep them in that position without ruining the flow of the text so he spaced them out a bit and then added some more from the beginning of the note. I'd like to thank the letterer, Travis Lanham, for inadvertently (or purposefully!) giving us evidence that Scott Lobdell is a lazy writer! Why not write the dialogue for those of us who translate all of the Old Portugese [sic]?! Instead you leave the dialogue up to the letterer?! Sure, other writers have done that as well and I think it's lazy. Anyway, one final page that everybody should love!

Ignore Blackfire's servile position and extremely huge and barely covered breasts for the moment...I know it's difficult...but how does Helspont know Jason Todd and his friends are referred to as "Outlaws" when Roy admitted last issue that he's the only one that calls them that? I guess we have to take the newest evidence as the real evidence and since Jason Todd described why they call themselves the outlaws this issue, that's the way things are.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2 Rating: I saw a thing on Twitter the other day that I thought was funny. Molly Manglewood asked "If "manspreading" is assertion of male privilege, what is it when women establish a sprawling nomad encampment of bags across three seats?" Somebody replied that it was called "Feminesting." That's fucking clever! As you may have surmised, I'm don't want to talk about Red Hood and the Outlaws anymore. Maybe just a few more things! I just wish it had been a fever dream brought on by too much Egg Nog instead of a way to bring Helspont back. So does everybody think it's appropriate to bring back the villain that is supposedly the biggest threat to the New 52 DC Universe (well, you have to admit, he was at one time!) and pair him against Red Hood and the Outlaws? And I guess Blackfire is just along for the ride so she can look sexy and subservient? I can't wait!

Catwoman Annual #2

Fuck. It's fucking Annual Season. I might as well be flushing my money straight down the toilet.

As far as annuals go, I suspect this one will be more entertaining than most of the Annuals DC has put out since The New 52 began. I've enjoyed the first few issues of Catwoman written by Genevieve Valentine even if I could barely understand them. They're filled with high minded ideas and historical quotes and characters having believable dialogue and meaningful interactions. And with Batman on the cover (kind of), maybe there will finally be some fucking in this thing!

I bet this issue begins with a poem by Gertrude Stein!

"CHICKEN.
Pheasant and chicken, chicken is a peculiar third.
CHICKEN.
Alas a dirty word, alas a dirty third alas a dirty third, alas a dirty bird.
CHICKEN.
Alas a doubt in case of more go to say what it is cress. What is it. Mean. Why. Potato. Loaves.
CHICKEN.
Stick stick call then, stick stick sticking, sticking with a chicken. Sticking in a extra succession, sticking in."

And that will totally set up the issue! What could the chicken represent? Or the sticking sticks? I think I know what the dirty bird will be!

I don't know why I scanned this picture. Nobody is fucking.

Let me skim through this annual really quickly to find the parts where Batman lectures Catwoman and treats her like a little girl. Unless he's horny and decides to treat her like a grown ass woman. Has anybody else gotten the feeling that Batman doesn't know how to have a mature relationship with an adult woman?

Valentine's first quote, which is usually way over my head because they're never by Edward Packard or R.A. Montgomery, is from Sun Tzu's The Art of War. I bet that's the level of quote I can understand! I may not have ever fought in a war and never been in a real fist fight (although I have completely spazzed out on people, bashed people in the head with my skateboard, and brought a knife to stab a bully at the bowling alley once) but how hard can a war quote be to understand?

I don't get it.

Couldn't the quote have been something easy to understand like "To kill your enemy is to defeat the day; to kill yourself is to defeat eternity." No wait, I don't understand that one either. And I made that one up!

Actually, I think I understand the quote! It's like tennis! To not lose, you must avoid unforced errors. And to win, you must take advantage of your opponent's unforced errors! Is that close enough?

Have I mentioned yet that this story is about the new Catwoman, Eiko Hasigawa? It's about how she once hunted Catwoman because Catwoman ruined one of her big scores one night. Cats are such assholes. They ruin everything. Especially when they make you love them for fifteen years and then die like a selfish bastard. Jerks!

One night while hunting Catwoman, Eiko gets a glimpse of her face. But she never sees Catwoman again after that. Until Selina Kyle suddenly appears leading the Calabrese family.

Look! Look! John McCrea is doing more New 52 artwork! Eee!

Eiko's father sends her out to gather more territory for the Hasigawa family while the Calabrese family are busy building relationships and being careful not to rock too many boats. So Eiko decides to take over the role of Catwoman and visit a gang called The Sons of Forster Lane. They sound like a book club.

There's another quote that's probably from Sun Tzu as well! "Energy may be likened to the bending of a crossbow; decision, to the releasing of a trigger." That's war advice? That's just statements of fact! They aren't even metaphors! Energy is built up in the bending of a crossbow! And releasing a trigger is a decision! Is this the kind of advice that fools give to appear wise? Or vice versa, maybe?

Eiko manages to screw up getting the Sons of Forster Lane territory on purpose. She's really good at pretending to not know how to play games! It's her strategy! She probably learned it from The Pillow Book because Sun Tzu is always going on about defeating your enemies by not defeating yourself and crap like that. I don't think he ever said, "To lose against your enemies every time is to win against them in the end."

As Selina Kyle tries to legitimize the Calabrese family and end the chaos and the feuding of the various crime families of Gotham, Eiko tries to play her father to minimize bloodshed and violence in the Hasigawa family. She knows she is being trained to lead but does not have the ruthlessness necessary to make hard decisions concerning people she cares about. So she stalls and manipulates and tarries and runs around as Catwoman. I think she learned about stalemates from watching Wargames! That's the only war strategy I know! Is that Sun Tzu as well? "The only way to win is not to play the game."

And then one night, Eiko, as Catwoman, runs into Batman. Fuckfight? Please?

Fighting? Yes please. But only the fuck variety!

Catwoman heads home only to find that her father has had her cousin Ken killed for being useless. She'd been trying to protect him all issue and her father finally got tired of it and used his death to punish her. But now that her father has taken the only thing he knows about that matters to her, he now has nothing to use against her. The only thing he's done is pushed her further away and she wasn't even that close to him to begin with. It's time for Eiko to figure out how to become friends with Selina Kyle!

Catwoman Annual #2 Rating: All of this takes place before Eiko and Selina first meet so I really should dig up the other Valentine Catwoman's and read them again with this story in mind. But that would mean shoving Pelafina off of my lap and moving everything off of my comic book boxes and digging through the boxes to find the past issues and spending time rereading things I've already read. That sounds like a lot of work and/or things I just don't want to do! So I'll just appreciate this story for what it was and go rewrite the scene where Eiko and Batman meet on the rooftop. Does Batman keep whip cream in his utility belt? What about Ben Wa balls? Anal beads?