Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)
By William Messner-Loebs, John Dennis, Dave Johnson, Ande Parks, Clem Robins, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Kevin Nowlan
Edited by Frank Pittarese and Dan Thorsland

• Let's get back to bullet points, shall we? This is like The Matrix but for nerds. Hmm. There's something wrong with that statement but I just can't identify quite what it is.

• Eclipso currently sits on his bone throne in a crater in the moon. Do you think the creators of this series meant for that to be so sexual? Did I invent that his throne was made of bone just to create the image of a penis in a moon hole? It's hard to say when about 66% of every thought I have is a delusion created by my brain to make the world more entertaining for myself.

• According to my blog's tags, this is the first comic book I've reviewed by William Messner-Loebs.

• The cover of this comic book turned my pants into a bone throne. In a mere matter of seconds, it will also look like a triple wax carwash down there. I think I have a thing for feral women.

• This issue begins by firing all circuits on my male gaze just to have my horned-up levels' legs kicked out from under it by reading the caption.

Too bad I'm not into necrofellatio. Is it weird that I began that sentence with "too bad"?

• The person making that terrible assumption about Wonder Woman is, surprisingly¹, an on-the-scene local news reporter. The reporter is a woman so she's apparently never heard of the Girl Code. I also have never heard any of the Girl Code because when I ask about it, they usually just say, "Ewww!" But I think there's something there about hyping each other up and not assuming that they've died and then broadcasting their humiliating failure to the entire world².

• As she broadcasts, Cassie continues to pull down her knickers and shit all over the Girl Code.

"Being that Wonder Woman can't fly, she had to walk instead of fly, which she can't do, fly, I mean. She sucks at flying. Just the worst. Probably dead because she can't fly."

• Some guy named The White Magician shows up and, well, even in 1992, I'd maybe have thought twice about that name. He wears white and has white hair but he also has what is colloquially thought of as "white" skin so, you know, maybe that name is saying more than you actually want it to say? Because "white", especially in 1992, was the society accepted neutral position³ which meant if the person's "race"⁴ wasn't mentioned, one would assume "white". If you have to go above and beyond to express your "whiteness" or your "Defender of Western Civilization" status⁵, you're probably making a bigger statement than just the color of your costume and hair.

The White Magician's power is literally making people choke on their own shit.

• The White Magician spends a full page or more invoking all sorts of DC magics that I've never heard of before. Zatanna could have saved the day with a couple of backwards words. Madame Xanadu could have wrapped this shit up by manipulating a bunch of actual heroes in no time at all. But this guy is doing the equivalent of a Great White guitar solo in a small club.

Love bites! Love bleeds! Oh fuck! Oh shit! Why's my dick burning?!

• While White Magician fucks around with the dark arts for the benefit of the news crew, Wonder Woman climbs up a building and tries to hug the terrorist into surrender. You know how she does. She's all, "Look, you're being a toxic male. Maybe get therapy?" And he's all, "I'd rather turn on a machine that removes the friction between air molecules, murder the HR rep of the job that fired me, take a woman and her small child hostage, and blame everybody who doesn't have a metagene for my failures!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Okay, but maybe don't do that?" And his gun is all, "Bratratrat!"

• Wonder Woman takes a few shots to the wrist bracelets and everybody around her is all, "He's a lone gunman! Being a white man, he's the only one responsible for his actions! He doesn't represent his entire race in the same way society demands anybody of a minority group represents the entire group!" Except it couldn't be that explicit, right? Because this is 1992 and according to Comics Gaters, comics only went woke in this millennium. Right?

I guess white supremacists in 1992 could easily overlook a blatant allegory simply by saying, "Well, I don't have a metagene so this guy obviously doesn't represent my idiotic way of thinking!"

• The main problem with this guy is that his metagene has yet to be activated. So he's just a mediocre white dude. But he knows he's better than other people because he's white. I mean because he has a metagene!

• I had to check the cover of this issue again because I got the odd feeling that I was reading a Bloodlines annual and not an Eclipso annual. I guess this is just foreshadowing for next year's big annual crossover event. Maybe this guy becomes Gunfire or Dildosniffer. Were those Bloodlines characters? If they were, I know one of them was written by Warren Ellis.

• The White Magician's spell of bowel-cleansing fear takes place just as Wonder Woman's de-escalating the situation. It affects everybody on top of the skyscraper: the killer, Wonder Woman, and the two hostages. Wonder Woman's big fear is disappointing her mother and the Gods. I would have guessed it would have been Batman.

• The killer, Roger or Robert or whatever, dies from choking on his own shit while Wonder Woman and the hostages just get a little collateral shit swallowing. But I have to think part of the reason Wonder Woman failed was because she was calling him by the wrong name while trying to calm him down.

Whoops!

• Even though The White Magician fucked everything up and his costume isn't anywhere as spectacular as The White Rabbit's, Wonder Woman still accepts an invitation to his mansion for dinner. As a way to apologize to her for completely fucking up the rescue, of course. Not as a way to get into her biker shorts. Not that she's currently wearing biker shorts. But she does go to the dinner in her star-spangled onesie.

• The White Magician's dinner conversation makes me think that perhaps my earlier discussion around his name was way more astute than even I would have guessed.

First he starts the edgelord shit with all the "Oh, I imagine you'll be offended by just about everything, no?"


And then he, um, just gets right to the KKK point.

• The hostage from earlier was a Black woman. Diana was insistent she was the real hero because she threw off the fear spell to save Diana from falling off the building while Diana hung by her foot holding the young girl who first fell off the building. The White Magician wouldn't even acknowledge this fact and now we see why. Obviously a Black woman couldn't be the hero! The look Diana gives this guy says it all.

• Wonder Woman, while pointing out how seriously pathetic white supremacists are, pulls the old Don Draper in the elevator meme exactly two decades before Don Draper does it.

Although Don Draper is lying in that scene and I've got a feeling Wonder Woman seriously means it.

• 24 pages in and not a whiff of Eclipso.

Speaking of whiffs . . . yes please!

• It turns out the local reporter Cassie and the White Magician are fucking. It also turns out Wonder Woman likes watching them fuck.

• Okay, so maybe they don't actually fuck on panel while Wonder Woman watches. But you don't think this is the reaction of somebody who loves the cuck chair?

Messner-Loebs staying true to Wonder Woman's origins as a horny little Amazon.

• Ultimately, I have no fucking clue why Wonder Woman went to dinner at the White Magician's home. I mean, the only conclusion I can make is that she was horny after her close call with death and he was offering. Perhaps when she was blasted by his Spell of Terror and she inundated with feelings of self-loathing, she needed a good fuck to get her confidence back. And the White Magician, while racist, is good looking enough. Also he has a penis⁶.

• The reason Cassie was calling Wonder Woman politically correct is that Wonder Woman admitted that justice, in the parlance of Titus Pullo, makes her wetter than October.

• The White Magician gives Diana a circlet with a Black Diamond on it. She demures but quickly accepts because she's super fucking horny and I can't believe I don't remember this comic book! How did I not start reading Wonder Woman after this?! I should have assumed half of each issue was just Diana trying to get laid.

• Wonder Woman slips into some kind of hypnotic fantasy after donning the Black Diamond. She believes that she has taken the White Magician to Paradise Island and he's brought in developers and horny men. When she confronts him, he goes all Twitter Incel on her.

If that doesn't get her to Eclipse, I don't want to think how far he'll have to go.

• The White Magician isn't working with Eclipso. He just wants Wonder Woman possessed with Eclipso's power so that he can bind her and drain her of the power. Wonder Woman winds up bound by tentacles in the garden with resting Eclipso face.

• Oh, also? It doesn't take. Eclipsed Wonder Woman escapes to either kill the White Magician or eagerly sit in the cuck chair.

• PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE CUCK CHAIR!

Okay. Close enough!

• I don't want people to think I'm into women in hardly any clothes choking other women in even less clothes. I mean, I guess I am because that panel was hot. But I'm not so into it that I actively look for it! What kind of sicko porn search terms do you think I like?! If one of your guesses was "Penguin Costume With Butt Access", congratulations. I guess?

• Wonder Woman lets Cassie go and then fails to kill the White Magician as he slips into another dimension just as she goes for the kill shot. Eclipso, now in total control, decides he got his revenge by trashing the White Magician's house because Wonder Woman is free to fly off to the moon at the end.

• Fly? I thought she couldn't fly? I guess she's more Eclipso than Diana now.

The Ranking
Goddamn! This issue was actually kind of fun. And confusing. I think maybe it contained a lot of actual lore and characters from the 1992 regular series. Or maybe it didn't and this was just a short little story about a horny woman, a racist illusionist, and the God of Vengeance? It's weird because I hate annuals but, I mean, this one was enjoyable! I bet it was because I went back to using bullet points! Yeah, I probably enjoyed it because of the thing I did and not because of the art the artists did! Whew. I feel better now! Go me! __________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Not actually surprising.
² At least the part of the world that receives broadcasts from WTBN.
³ I'm not saying it was correct. I was just media-biased shorthand accepted by a white supremacist society
⁴ In quotes because "white" and "black" are not exactly the most scientific way to determine a person's race. Unless you're a Nazi scientist or somebody's Republican uncle.
⁵ Looking at you, high school friend Soy Rakelson, who disappeared from Social Media in 2016 after Trump won the election because you knew your "Defenses of Western Civilization" were no longer sustainable with your "morality". I mean in your eyes. Everybody else already knew they weren't sustainable and wondered why you kept insisting on debating obviously (to everybody but you, apparently) racist shit. Especially when your closing argument for every debate was, "Where's your faith?" Oh? Sorry I argued facts and logic while you were gummed up in religious dogma while concentrating on attempting to trap us with pre-approved C.S. Lewis logic traps.
⁶ I'm assuming.

Harley's Little Black Book #1

Am I allowed to open this without ruining my comic book collector cred?

That question was completely facetious because I already know the answer. Of course I'm going to open it! When I got the Death of Superman, I tore right into that sucker! And of course it's going to ruin my cred! When I tore into the Death of Superman, people fainted around me and I was almost banned from my comic book store!

Some of the previous story may have been an exaggeration of the truth. I wasn't even reading any Superman titles at the time when the Death of Superman was published. But my local comic book store held a copy for me anyway. That's how awesome I am! It's also the reason why, no matter how introverted and shy you are, it's smart to get in good with the clerks at your comic book store. That was back in Santa Clara, California, at Brian's Books (their second location! I'd been going there since before they moved!). The clerk's name was the same as mine (Jeff. Not Tess. I only constantly refer to myself as "Tess" because I figure, by the name of my site, people will understand that I'm talking about myself. If I suddenly mentioned the mysterious "Jeff", it might confuse some readers) and I think he might have had a crush on me. I'm also certain that years later, long after I stopped going to Brian's Books because I moved, he became a huge Mythbusters' fan. That's just speculation on my part. But he seemed like that kind of guy. We also talked Magic the Gathering a lot, so that might be why he wanted to see me naked so much.

Okay! I'm about to tear open my Black Bagged Harley book! I hope I get something exciting in it! What are the possibilities? A sketched cover, an inked cover, and a color cover?! Which one is the best? Probably the cover color, right? Is that the Rare one? Because I really only want the rare one. They obviously have different rarities, right? Everything inside sealed bags has rarities!

Oh. I got the color one. That must mean the other ones are rarer! I would have been disappointed with whatever one I got. Probably.

Do we really need a new Harley Quinn comic book? I'm fairly certain I'm up to my synapses in enough Harley Quinn. Hopefully this series will explain how she's in so many places at once: prison, California, Brooklyn, space. It's probably because she's a clone. I mean clown. No, wait. I was right the first time.

Harley Quinn has just defeated some thugs (comic book thugs and not the thugs that the Fox News guys want you to picture when you think of the word thugs. You know? Like the people Heroclix chose to use for their Thug Heroclix figure? Hmm. What is wrong with you, Heroclix?) and found evidence that Wonder Woman might be in trouble in London. That means Harley Quinn needs to team up with Wonder Woman! I already knew that because Wonder Woman is on the cover about eighteen times. I'm a pretty thorough reader.

Harley Quinn is super excited to team up with Wonder Woman because she has a shrine devoted to her.

I have a closet like this but it's for Aubrey Plaza.

This comic book is really thick and I don't want to wind up writing six pages of commentary on it, so I'm going to have to keep my thoughts brief. Although that's really nothing. I'm only forty-six pages into Genesis and I've managed to write 288 pages of commentary on that alone! If I ever fucking finish my commentary on the last eighteen pages of Genesis, I'll finally get around to publishing Lyle’s Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs by Grunion Guy! And then it'll be on to Exodus where I think a baby topples a civilization or something. It might sound ridiculous but remember that he gets help from frogs and insects.

Harley usually goes into hallucinations to pad the pages on her special comic books but this time she just has a flashback to when she was a little kid and was beaten on by bullies. Boy, those bullies sure are cool! I wish this comic book was about them! They're all like, "We don't give no fucks! We'll kick little girls in the stomach no problem! We probably do other cool things too like smoke cigarettes and talk back to our single parents working two jobs and probably even play doctor with stray cats." Being a bully is awesome!

Harley is forced to do the bullies' homework which is another cool reason to be a bully! You never have to do any homework! It is kind of weird that the star of the comic book is being kicked around by cool characters. It would almost seem like the bullies are actually the...oh. Um. What I meant to say is bullying is awful and nobody should ever do bullying of any kind and I hope Harley Quinn defeats them!

Whoa. That was close. I wish I understood social dynamics better! I almost rooted for the bad guys! Except isn't Harley Quinn also a bad guy? Fuck. I'm so confused!

Violent retaliation against bullies is not the fault of the victim; it's the fault of society and the grown-ups who continue to believe in a kids will be kids attitude.

When I was in fifth grade, I was in a bowling league. I was also extremely...unsociable? Maybe more a-sociable? I've never cared about any kind of diagnosis for how I've never quite fit in and I never really thought much about it until Ray Romano's character appeared on Parenthood. When people claim nobody in television or books or movies seems to represent them, realize that I'm a white male who never thought of any "white males" as being representative of who I was. Not until Parenthood and then not even until he begins to realize that maybe he's on the spectrum. But my life has paralleled that characters in ways all the way up to and including having my own business in which I only interact with people when I absolutely have to. I'm just trying to paint the picture that I didn't really fit in in many odd and quirky ways and sometimes people smelled that and didn't like it.

So this bully at the bowling alley told me one Friday night at league that if I showed up the next week, he was going to kick my ass. I don't remember why. I don't know what I did. It boggles me to this day. It's quite possible I said something awful about him out loud when I thought I was thinking it because he was a huge dick to everybody. But the next week, I didn't know what else to do except to bring a knife to protect myself. If he had bothered me, I would have stabbed him. That's it. That's all there was. Try to fuck with me and I will end it. But I brought the knife to school that day, some kid ratted on me, and I wound up crying in the Principal's Office. The principal could not have been cooler or more understanding, trying to find the root of what was going on and why I had the knife and what he could do to help. He even called my cousin, who was a year younger than me, in to ask him questions. But I wouldn't say anything. In the end, he took the knife away and had my grandmother pick me up. She, as always, was sweet and kind and understanding. But I was also stubborn and unable to truly articulate my frustrations with how the world works. And I also didn't want to miss bowling. So I went. Without my knife. And Brian (the stereotypical red-headed bully asshole with the short sidekick named Maurice) picked a fight with me. I flew into my usual tantrum when at my wits end and just flailed my arms like crazy while crying and screaming. I think I scared the shit out of him because he just kind of backed off and left me alone. I'm pretty sure he got in trouble and was kicked off the league after other people came forth to relate how horrible he was to everybody. But if I had had that knife, I have no doubt I would have pulled it out and one of us would have been wounded by it.

Bullied kids will find their power wherever they can. And bullied kids that already don't fucking understand how and why everything around them works the way it does? They're just powder kegs waiting for society to fail them. Because everybody thinks everybody else should just buck up and fit in. But some of us truly don't fucking know how.

So no matter how terrible Columbine was, there was always a piece of me that couldn't help but empathize with the monsters who perpetrated it. I know violence is no answer to violence. But you back people up to the wall long enough--and I'm not saying the Columbine kids were that. I'm saying they could have been and I would have understood it--and they'll find their power any way they know how. You treat people like shit long enough and they'll forget they're human. And then they won't care that you're human. And then you'll have the monsters you expect them all to be. You'll reap what you sow.

I'm not saying murderous action should be taken against our white cis-het male overlords! What I'm saying is that the white cis-het male overlords should realize that they wouldn't have to fear everybody else becoming murderous monsters if they just fucking stopped treating them like they already were!

Hmm. I feel like I went too deeply into the defense of mass shootings! I totally don't mean it that way at all! I'm a fucking conscientious object-or (thanks, e.e. cummings!) and a pacifist and mostly a huge pussy to boot! Also I'm fucking terrified of having conversations on the phone so I can't even organize a protest of anything! All I can do is write shit on the internet and cry about my cat who died a year ago. Actually I don't cry that often about Judas anymore although if I think too deeply about my last moments with him, it's all fucking over. Like now! Stupid brain! Stop sandbagging me!

Oh shit. Speaking of Judas! The universe is an awesome place sometimes and we owe it all to coincidence. Not everything has meaning outside of what you bring to it or is a sign teaching you how to save your son from aliens invading your farm.

Here's one easy way that I know I will not like a person! If they use the phrase "It is what it is" or "Everything happens for a reason." And if they say them both, I have to murder them. No, seriously. I know I mentioned I was a pacifist not two paragraphs ago but sometimes you have to forgo your ethics and just save the world from serious douchebaggery.

Anyway, enough about not Harley Quinn! Didn't I say something about keeping this shit short?! Fuck. Maybe that Brian asshole was right. Even I'm starting to hate myself.

Harley Quinn is stowing away with the chemical goodies so that she'll arrive in London to warn Wonder Woman about Barmy Bugger's plot to kill her. And while Harley's visiting, maybe she'll get to meet the London Legion, London's premier super hero group!

These guys totally won't get in the way at all and won't almost get Wonder Woman and Harley killed!

The London Legion never get a chance to work with Harley or to screw up her plans because they're knocked unconscious by some of Barmy Bugger's special knock-out gas. You know the kind? It knocks people out in gas form. They're taken hostage and Harley stows away in the van back to Barmy's hideout.

I'm at the halfway point in this comic book and Harley and Wonder Woman haven't even engaged in any finger banging. That's British for shaking hands, right?

Eventually Harley winds up with the knock out gas meant for Wonder Woman and heads on over to give Wonder Woman a dose because Harley comes up with strange plans that almost certainly don't involve removing Wonder Woman's underwear once she's unconscious. That would be unconscionable! Although a little bit sexy because it's fictional, right? That makes it okay? Maybe?

See! I knew it was okay! And it is a little bit sexy! It's like my pants suddenly don't fit right!

Harley Quinn puts on Wonder Woman's costume and throws on a wig so she can pretend to be Wonder Woman and capture Barmy Bugger!

She looks exactly like her!

Okay, I admit it. That's not really Harley Quinn as Wonder Woman. If you squint just right, you'll see it's my friend Doom Bunny who none of you know.

Barmy Bugger ambushes Wonder Woman's apartment and while Harley tries to battle his minions, Wonder Woman wakes up naked in the tub. I hope all of her towels are dirty! Her hair isn't long enough to hide her ass so I hope there's a panel where our perspective is from behind her! And maybe her legs are slightly parted. And maybe she's bending over! And maybe I should have been editor on this comic book!

Wonder Woman decides not to show me any of her mystical goodies. She'd rather risk whatever weird viruses and microbes Harley Quinn has in her underwear and wear Harley's costume to stay modest.

This comic is really getting good!

After a few more pages of what I think was the conclusion to the Barmy Bugger caper but might just have been a bunch of pages I masturbated to, Harley informs Wonder Woman that the London Legion have been taken captive and need to be rescued! So they totally didn't get in the way at all! They were completely useless throughout the entire fight! I wonder what they talked about while waiting to be rescued? No wait! I don't wonder that! I don't need to know that! It would be just like DC to believe that comic book fans were clamoring for a six issue mini-series about their time manacled to the wall of a dungeon.

The London Legion is rescued and everybody goes out to celebrate at the pub! I bet they have a few pints and skitter some chipwhiskers until they're conklin' on the shrub-tumpers!

At the pub, Harley eagerly ties herself up with Wonder Woman's lasso and asks everybody to ask her any question at all! Any question?! Oh boy! Or not oh boy since the scene cuts away before she can answer any kinky questions. But at least when they're done drinking and they're all on the way out of the pub, Harley gets a little tiny bit of Wonder Woman action.

Oi that hand!

Harley's Little Black Book #1 Rating: I enjoyed this comic book but I have some serious misgivings about it. It costs five dollars and also costs five dollars. At first I thought it was going to come out twice a month because DC loves inundating fans with tons and tons of Harley Quinn. But I can't see how a book this size and with a character already headlining her own title can feasibly be published that often. It would really help if the term "bimonthly" wasn't so fucking ambiguous! Can somebody get to work on fixing that bullshit? Also, about that clone thing! This series (along with Harley's regular title) obviously take place sometime after Harley finishes her contract with the Suicide Squad and is released from Belle Reve. That's why none of the superheroes she encounters try to arrest her for being a huge criminal. She's already served her time and as long as none of them look too closely at her cartoon violence that occasionally ends with corpses being thrown into shallow graves by Harley's employees, she's free to commit all of the chaos. So I think it works that Harley is currently in the Suicide Squad setting up these stories which take place at some future date. But don't get too wrapped up in what happens when. These are comic books and being too much of a stickler for continuity will only drive you mad.

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