Batgirl Annual #3

Finally! Dead Dick is going to interact with somebody other than Batman, Julia Pennyworth, or The Joker!

Batgirl is about to get mixed up in Spyral business which she can probably handle since Qadir's technology is on par with Spyral's. The best part will be the scene where she recognizes Dick Grayson by his ass and then gets super embarrassed. Then Dick will ask Babs why she looks ten years younger than she really is. I hope her explanation satisfies me as a reader! I'm having a really tough time understanding why new Batgirl is so different from Simone Batgirl! I desperately need an in-canon explanation or I'm going to die!

The first Spyralee Batgirl meets is Helena Bertinelli who she's never, ever met before ever in the whole wide ever world ever.

I bet 95% of the residents of Burnside would never be thought of as a "hipster" and yet when a population becomes 5% Hipster, it's over! Mostly because when 5% of your population looks exactly alike, it's hard not to notice.

I've lived just off of Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon, for about twelve years now. I moved closer to Hawthorne because it was my favorite place, mostly due to my comic book store and Marco's Deli which had great meatball subs and Mr. Pibb on tap. It had a bit of a Bohemian flair, I guess. It was a little bit hippy, a little bit artsy, a little bit shitty. It was the kind of street that once had an Arby's but when it didn't get enough business, it closed down and McDonald's tried to set up shop there only to be beaten back by petitions. Mostly it was residents who claimed they didn't want the extra traffic generated by a fast food place but I think mostly it was a bunch of snobby assholes who only ever ate McDonald's when people they knew weren't looking. Anyway, the street lost a lot of its charm as the swarm of Hipster Gentrification (which is really the only kind of gentrification seen in Portland). And it's been going on for longer than Portlandia has been on the air, so the people who blame Portlandia are putting the cart before the bearded assholes. Although, really, the show hasn't helped. It's seen by many not as a satire of the city but more of a promotional video for like minded people. Long before Fred Armisen said that Portland was where young people go to retire, I was constantly asking the Non-Certified Wife, "Doesn't anybody in this town work?!"

So Hawthorne began to get the Hipster Gentrification treatment which seemed to be flowing southward from Alberta. It hit Belmont pretty hard back when Paninis, Cupcakes, and Artsy Toy Stores were the beginning signs of a Hipster Neighborhood taking root (the record stores were already there!). Later it became organic grass-fed beef hamburgers and "artisinal" pizza (the cupcakes survived although they probably began serving macaroons as well). The artsy toy store moved to Hawthorne and lots of businesses began changing on Hawthorne. It seemed the time had come for Hawthorne's transformation. Hawthorne lost their Blockbuster (who didn't though, amirite?!) and I told the Non-Certified Wife when we were guessing what it would become that it would be a bank or a thrift store. It became both! The deli became Thai, the corner store which I can't even remember what it was became an upscale hipster clothing store (for when you need something other than your Mr. Bubble shirt and skinny jeans) which has in-store cocktail events every few months. But the transmogrification of the neighborhood never totally took. Instead it moved on south to Division which went from a sunny, mostly one-story building stretch of barber shops and food carts and a Whole Foods (you know, your "average" Portland neighborhood!) to a shady Death Star trench of five or six story condominiums with businesses in the ground floor. Businesses like "artisinal" ice cream and...well, I can't really remember and I think "artisinal" ice cream says enough. I'm sure some place is still riding the last of the Pork Belly wave as well. I mostly avoid the place. Although the Bollywood Indian restaurant demands my patronage because Indian food, duh!

Back to Batgirl, Helena and Babs decide to work together because they both seem to be on the same mission. It doesn't matter what the mission is. This is an annual. The only thing that matters is that Babs and Dick need to meet up with each other. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those stories where Grayson narrowly avoids being seen by Gordon four or five times before the story ends with Batgirl none the wiser. Or maybe she will have noticed and she'll walk off with a quirky grin because she now knows Dick isn't dead.

"Body language." Dick is being modest about his ass.

The mission is to infiltrate an impenetrable tower which has a large open courtyard and balconies on every floor overlooking the empty space in the center. It's a lot like the latest Judge Dredd movie but with Dick Grayson as Judge Dredd and Babs and Helen as whatever other Judges helped out.

Near Miss #1!

Barbara and Damian must shop at the same shoelace store which sells the longest, loosest shoelaces they possibly can.

Near Miss #2!

Helena shouts something which prevents Babs running into Dick and making this an interesting story! Instead, the chase up the tower continues as the reader waits expectantly for the inevitable encounter (which will probably wind up being evitable).

Dick gets caught up battling the only really buff member of Gladius (the evil organization!) and Helena has to help him out. Batgirl goes on ahead and now Dick fears she's going to wind up seeing him. It's time to put on a disguise! Like maybe a sundress and a nice long blonde wig? Then maybe he can play Yakety Sax while they all run around beating up guards and Dick tries to constantly hide his face demurely behind a handkerchief. And maybe at some point Helena can stand behind a table full of fruit so it looks like a couple of cantaloupes are her breasts!

Batgirl makes it to the top of the tower first and comes face to face with Gladius's leader. But the leader has planted a bomb and makes her escape while Batgirl turns back to try to disarm the bomb (although Babs does stick a Bat-tracker on the fleeing terrorist). Dick Grayson arrives to help Barbara disarm the bomb although he's got his Spyral Hypnos running so Babs thinks she sees an old guy named Christian Kroger. I think now that we had the near misses, we're getting to the part where Babs will realize it's Dick without Dick realizing she realized it. Then she'll walk off with that smile I mentioned and maybe a pair of ruined underwear.

The bomb can't be deactivated (or else Helena doesn't really try to deactivate it because she thinks like Frankie who suggested blowing up the building earlier) and they have to jump from the tower with the UN diplomats who were hostages of Gladius. I know Batgirl didn't want to kill anybody but I think a lot of those guards she kept alive are now burning to death.

Oh, and of course, the recognition by butt shot. This is where the ruined underwear comes into play.

And this is the smile after possibly thinking it could have been Dick.

So that was the first part of the story. I think a bit of Yakety Sax would have improved the whole Benny Hill tone of it all.

The second part of the story has Batgirl chasing after the woman she placed the tracker on. While following the trace, Batgirl runs into Catwoman's sidekick, Spoiler. So now these two can have a fun adventure with each other and become best friends and make Frankie totally jealous! Unless Batgirl doesn't like being out-pepped by another young female hero.

Spoiler catches Gladius's leader when Batgirl points her out except it wasn't Gladius's leader! It was just another underling doing grunt work and spilling secrets about the Negahedron and how it's going to be used to destroy Gotham! Batgirl leaves Spoiler to take care of the terrorist and rushes off to play with Batwoman.

Batwoman and Batgirl beat up Gladius and learn more about the Negahedron. But Gladius gets away which leads Batgirl to the Gotham Academy Library where she's going to team up with Maps, probably! It won't be Olive because why would Batgirl team up with one of the Gotham Academy supporting cast instead of its main character?

Well, I guess Olive can appear as Maps' sidekick.

The Pizza Club with Guest Detective Batgirl find the head of the statue containing the blueprints of the Negahedron but the head is stolen by Gladius! She and Batgirl wind up on the roof ready to battle when Maps hits Gladius in the chin with her Batarang and saves the day! Of course. I would expect nothing less from Maps and her sidekick Olive Silverlock.

Gladius is captured and the microfiche is nearly destroyed and the librarian Mr. Scarlet shows up to declare some mysteries should remain mysteries. Maps rushes off to form Superhero Club. Olive goes off to pout. And Batgirl decides to spy on Maps for a bit because Maps would make an excellent date for Alysia's wedding and/or a superb sidekick!

Batgirl Annual #3 Rating: This annual should be held up as an example for all annuals everywhere. It was a superb annual with lots of guest stars that really should be part of Batgirl's world. Loved every second of it except for the seconds which weren't added which maybe could have had Batwoman making out with somebody. Hey, I'm still a man with inappropriate fantasies which co-opt the lesbian lifestyle for my own pleasure and gaze! Sue me!

Batman Eternal #43

Fighting crime is only Batman's second reason for patrolling at night. Voyeurism is the first.

Hush was a boring ass boring villain who was boring but he made sense as the main antagonist in this story because he knew Batman's secret identity. A lot of the shit going down is targeting Batman in such a way that the main antagonist must know a lot of Batman's secrets. Therefore the bad guy must be Owlman from the Crime Syndicate. Or Superwoman's baby. Oh man, how great would that reveal be!

This issue begins with Batman and Bluebird on patrol together. Did she pick that name simply so Batman has to think of happiness every time he calls her by name? Did she choose the name to make fun of Batman's depression? "I'm happy go lucky and cute and you're a big sourpuss grumpface!"

Bluebird's second assignment is to keep Stephanie Brown safe. Her first assignment, judging by the eyeball comment, was to read Batman's Big Book of Things You Can Do To Villains That Aren't Technically Killing Them.

Since last issue ended with Catwoman capturing Stephanie and this issue begins with Stephanie in Batman's clutches (in a good way. Not that good of a way, sicko!), Batman #28 must have happened between Batman Eternal #42 and Batman Eternal #43. It mostly makes sense if you go back and read it now. Plus Batman leaves a clue in his dialogue when he says there are 43 people on the floor of Selina's casino! See? He's telling you when to read Batman #28! Unless it was Bluebird who counted the people. I just reread it and I can't remember!

Spoiler has been left with Cullen in "one of the safest buildings in Gotham." Is it the 900 block that was full of Man-Bats some time back? Is it safe because it was built upon an ancient Micmac burial ground? Perhaps it's the most rundown part of Gotham and owned by Bruce Wayne who is keeping it rundown so that none of the crime families want anything to do with it but Batman still cleans out all of the street crime to keep it one of the safest and cheapest places to live in the city?!

Inside the safe house, Cullen and Stephanie pause in the middle of playing Double Dragon to discuss the different flavors of tea like black or the other ones.

Stephanie and Harper don't exactly get along because Harper wanted to be a sidekick so she buys into everything Batman is about but Stephanie was forced into being a costumed person just to stay alive and has also probably seen all of the injuries Batman has given her father over the years so she's a little bit anti-bat. Plus she just spent some time with Selina Kyle who probably dumped all of her Batman problems on her. Now I wish I was tied up in Catwoman's lair listening to her tell me all of her big fuckfight stories with the Batman!

The story is providing some flashback material to fill in the details surrounding the rescue of Spoiler in Batman #28.

Red Robin tells Harper the plan to find Catwoman's casino and to infiltrate it. All the right plot points are touched upon to explain why things happened the way they happened in Batman #28. Harper has to be the one to enter the casino since Catwoman has a scanner that will identify all known associates of Batman. So that explains why Batman went on this mission with Harper whom he chastises in the middle of the battle for having been training with his sidekicks. At least this version of the story gives us some scenes between Catwoman and Spoiler this time. I guess those...hee hee hee...scenes couldn't be shown before because they...giggle giggle...would have been...snicker snicker snicker...spoilers.

God I hate myself.

Selina is correct. As I've pointed out over and over and over and over again, everybody in DC Comics is motivated by Daddy Issues.

And then Batman #28 happens. I highly recommend pulling it out and giving it a jerk reread. It's not like it's needed since this story hits all the beats that need to be hit but I think it makes Batman and Harper's team-up more enjoyable. This whole scene is just lots of fun. I can't wait to see Harper and Damian working together!

Harper's take on the Spoiler rescue.

As we saw at the beginning of the issue, Spoiler goes with Batman. She doesn't plan on telling Batman all of her secrets for some reason but I'm sure she'll cave in time. Probably when she and Harper stop baring their fangs at each other and begin licking each other instead. That was a cat metaphor and not a sex thing, perverts!

Oh, and the licking happens fast once the cats are comfy on the couch.

Earth-3 Owlman! And his sidekick, Superwoman's baby!

Harper Row makes a good sidekick. I hope she continues to work with Batman and Robin as Bluebird. And I hope that she remains "in training" for a long time instead of just suddenly making her just as good at fighting and acrobatics as all of the other sidekicks. Every mission Batman goes on doesn't have to be the most dangerous mission ever. There are a lot of low level Gotham villains that would be perfect for Harper's skill level. Like all of the ones I can't think of right now other than The Mad Hatter who she already beat up. Except he's a fairly dangerous psychotic that may have already killed more residents of Gotham than even The Joker at this point! Harper was lucky she didn't get killed on her very first night wearing her Bluebird suit.

Batman Eternal #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue made a nice companion piece to Batman #28, filling in just the right amount of gaps, repeating scenes with just enough of a different perspective or dialogue to keep it fun and interesting, and it revealed all of the things that couldn't be revealed a year ago. And I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the manga/anime inspired art and the artist's tips of the hat to the genre. Everybody was just so cute it was disgusting.

Doop #2

Remember when Faster Shadowcat sang about internet dating in the days before the internet?

Last issue, Doop was rejected by Kitty Pryde. She tried to let him down easy and tell him that it wouldn't work because he couldn't speak English. But that backfired in her face because Doop reconfigured himself so he could speak English. Now, judging by this cover, she's going to have to kill him.

Can Doop be killed?

Kitty follows Doop into Doopspace where she continues to tell him that they aren't going to hit it off. Especially when Doop takes her to eat at a place called Chateau du Armpit Hair. What is Doop's obsession with armpits? Is it because of that joke about the guy on the bus asking the woman holding the handrail how she got her leg way up there?

Doop also takes Kitty to watch a blank movie screen at the Cinema of Emptiness. Then they go dancing and then out for a little target practice at the Sentinel Shooting Range. And finally, he shows Kitty some of the home movies he's been filming across time.

Hey DC Comics? Are you listening to Doop here? He has some important advice!

Doop finally removes Kitty from Doopspace so she can get back to her time travel problems in the real world. Doop wants her to say "fuck it" to time travel paradoxes and let Jean and Scott remain in the future. But Kitty's having a tough time dealing with Marvel's slacker attitude on time travel and its consequences. It's like they believe that a fictional world shouldn't suffer any consequences from time travel! The nerve of them!

But Doop's talk with Kitty seems to change her stance on the whole issue of sending Jean and Scott back. Or something. It gets a little confusing. Especially when Doop takes a trip to the future to check in on future Kitty Pryde that turns out not to be future Kitty Pryde but some kind of Mystique/Nightcrawler/Wolverine/Punisher mash-up.

Can Doop be killed?

I'm already thoroughly confused!

I thought I could follow this decently enough without reading a bunch of the other X-men comic books but I may have been wrong! Even though I like Milligan and Doop, I might have to drop this book if I continue to feel confused after a few more issues.

Doop #1

Now I have to find my Doop Alphabet Key!

Ha! That didn't take long! I read X-Force way back when because Peter Milligan was writing it and I owe Peter Milligan everything because he wrote Shade the Changing Man for which I can never thank him enough. While people were raving about Grant Morrison's run on Animal Man or they were offering up orifices for Neil Gaiman to put his wiener in or they were jerking off Alan Moore under the bleachers for any piece of text he put to paper, I was busy having my heart broken over and over again at the hands of Peter Milligan. I don't know if I could put into words what Shade the Changing Man meant to me at the time; I don't think I've ever really tried. It was just exactly the right character and the right words and the right supporting cast for me to be reading at that time in my life. It began the summer after my first year of college. I was lost between schools and between states. I was back home from my first year away and I felt like a complete mess. Shade the Changing Man made me not feel that way.

I don't expect so much from Doop! So, you know, no pressure, Mr. Milligan. Anyway! That "Ha! That didn't take long!" at the beginning of the last paragraph was about finding my Doop Alphabet Key! It was on the flip side of my key for DC's Runespeak! It was from when my friend J.T. lent me an issue of X-men to read that was about Doop and some of the things he did at the Academy. Here's the key I made simply from the text on the cover:

As you can see by comparing this to the cover, I at least got a few letters correct!

Oh man. Fucking DC. Get your shit together. I want to read stuff like this that just makes me grin with a joy that forces my face to leak in strange new ways.

He's so adorable!

This issue is called "The Real Battle of the Atom" which makes me think I'm going to get to read about events that have happened in Marvel in other comic books but through the eyes of Doop and how Doop was involved behind the scenes. Or not so behind the scenes. Or however behind the scenes or not behind the scenes a green potato thing can get.

The issue begins with Doop in a place called Doopspace. He's a marginal character living in the fringes of the Marvel Universe. Currently he's busy writing something and saying, in Doopish, "I want armpits blancmange all over." An alarm goes off screaming, "HI THERE, KITTY!" which gets Doop moving back toward the actual Marvel Universe where boomerangs are faster than bullets and New York is the only city.

Aha! So the phrase "Hello there, Kitty!" was a marker in a current space in time that alerted Doop that he was needed to change something for some reason or other, possibly that "obsession that might change the world" that was mentioned earlier in the comic that I didn't mention.

So Doop is trying to manipulate the time stream for some reason. As the above panel notes, he can drop in anywhere in the Marvel Universe to fuck around. The first panel mentions he has an obsession that might change the world and Doop has an alarm clock that is triggered by certain phrases. So Doop waits for these phrases to be picked up by his clock, alerting him to a happening in time that he needs to manipulate for his own ends.

I think I got this!

Doop arrives, hides in the shadows filming it, and says, "Wild strawberries." Then he pulls the letter he was writing out of himself, says, "Yep. This sums it up," and kisses it.

Oh yeah. Okay. I recognize this obsession. Doop has a crush on Kitty Pryde and has written a letter in English declaring his love for her. I did the exact same thing in ninth grade for Marilyn Mendoza. Except I chickened out and didn't give her the letter. It was just the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Hello" anyway.

Apparently nobody else (or at least just Kitty) can understand Doopish. Doop actually has the guts to give Kitty the letter while saying, "The Passion of Doop." Aww! The moment is interrupted by jerko Bobby "Iceman" Drake unless his last name is different since I'm not exactly up to the snuff on my Marvel identities.

After Iceman prevents Kitty from reading the letter, stupid Scott Summers from the past takes a Sentinel's eyebeam right in his ass and dies. He's probably not supposed to be dead, so Doop should probably write him a letter or something. Or slap some sense into some healing mutant named Christopher Muse. I don't know that kid at all! Doop leaves the letter with Kitty and travels back through the margins to another place and time. Probably still part of the Battle of the Atom story since that was the title and all.

Doop should travel back to the early eighties and appear in the Wolverine and Kitty Pryde mini-series.

Wolverine flips the fuck out as he's wont to do while Past Bobby tries to figure out how Present Bobby wooed Past Kitty when Present Bobby was Past Bobby. During the chaos, Doop runs off to sabotage the X-Plane so Past Scott and Past Jean, um, i don't know! Get lost in space? I don't know what originally happened but I imagine it's what is going to happen this time because here we're finding out that Doop fiddled with the plane to get whatever happened to happen. "Fix the plot. Fix the plot," says Doop as he fixes the plane.

The next few pages show me that Scott and Jean die in the past (or just Jean because, come on! She's always dying and shit) which is why Past Scott and Past Jean make their escape. Now Present (or Future?) Jean Grey wants Past Kitty Pryde to keep a promise she doesn't know anything about!

I'm sure all of this stuff makes more sense to people that have been following Marvel's comics. But I kind of like not knowing exactly what's going on. I get enough of the story to see how it's playing out and how Doop wants to manipulate things so he can show Kitty that he loves her at just the right moment. Hopefully!

I'm starting to finally think not giving Marilyn the stupid note with "Hello" transcribed on it was the best course of action!

Poor Doop. Is there anybody in the world, real or Marvel or DC, that doesn't have a crush on Kitty Pryde? Seriously.

Instead of telling Doop it could never work for several reasons, Kitty tells Doop that it wouldn't work because he doesn't even speak human and they wouldn't be able to communicate. Which gives Doop a great idea! He tears himself inside out and begins speaking English! Ugh. I imagine her next reason for not marrying him will be that he doesn't have any genitals. I'm not sure I want to see what Doop does to himself to correct that problem.

So that's where this story ends. Doop fiddled with the past so that he could tell Kitty Pryde that he loved her before she wound up dating that idiot Bobby. Kitty declared she wasn't interested but Doop decided to makes a few personal changes so that maybe she'd see reason and realize Doop is the best character for her. Next issue, Kitty probably vomits all over Doop since parts of him are currently rotting in the hall.

This was just too cute not to scan.