Constantine the Hellblazer #11

This is exactly the type of hedonistic deviltries I expect people in Hollywood to get up to.

The Review!
This version of Constantine has managed to retain the spirit of the character unlike the previous sanitized New 52 version which was just John getting into trouble with magic or demons and then John casting a dangerous spell with dire consequences to save the day and then never really having to deal with the dire consequences. It might not feel quite as gritty and dark as the Vertigo version but it's close enough that I'm really enjoying it. And besides, the main constant in Constantine's life is that every few years, he gets a new creative team to tell his stories. And this is a new team with an interesting take and conflicts that need more imaginative sorting than the ones found in the previous version.

The Commentary
This weekend, my seven year old niece wanted me to pick her up because she had a secret she wanted to tell me. When I picked her up, she said, "Will you carry me forever?" Some people may have been overwhelmed by the loving gesture but I instantly saw it as a moneymaking opportunity! I said, "Sure I can. If you pay me!" She said she had no money so I asked her how much her mother had. Long story short, my niece owes me a quarter next time I see her.

Here she is doing a better Lobo impression than Twat Lobo from The New 52.

Another thing that happened is people on Tumblr began reblogging my favorite X-men story joke but not understanding it was a joke because it was such a spot on parody of the mess the X-men have become thanks to decades of loony time travel stories. This is what I said: "Favorite X-men story: the X-men time travel from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling." It turns out this must fairly accurately describe some New X-Men story arc that I've never read because people keep tagging it with New X-men notes and defending Hank McCoy's decision to...I don't know! Fuck up continuity?! Other people have reblogged it thinking it really is an example of somebody's favorite story arc because they agree with it and think it's awesome. I am left with the conclusion that people are far too earnest than they probably think they are. My story idea is obviously nonsense! Although if it's an accurate representation of a story that happened in the X-men universe then fuck the X-men universe because that shit is shit. Which it must be because somebody replied to my joke with this: "In the end, retconning the story and making it seem like nothing happened." I shouldn't be so surprised that I can make such an educated guess as to the stories of the X-men even though I haven't read one since Grant Morrison and Josh Whedon were writing for the series because I am, after all, a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

To be fair, it's not like I can check all of the tags people add to every reblog. I should be earnest enough to believe that everybody gets it's a joke and stop being overly cynical about every single fucking thing that ever happens in this universe. I also should have made my niece sign an IOU.

To be more fair, one person tagged the post "No Joke". No, actually it was a joke. It was a fucking joke! It isn't actually my favorite story nor did I realize such a story seems to actually exist! I can't tell what is real anymore!

Anyway, Constantine is currently in L.A. instead of New York so that he can bitch about how people like to point out the differences between the two places. He says people who compare the two are missing the point and then begins shitting all over Los Angeles because he thinks they think they're better than everybody else. Which is probably true. But it isn't any less true about New Yorkers, so why even bring it up?

This guy's night just got interesting!

The party is being hosted by the angel Gabriel. Get it? Because it's the city of angels! Is that the real difference between New York and Los Angeles? One is full of demons and the damned and the other is full of angels and shit?

Gabriel is the guardian angel of Hollywood making sure that the entertainment industry doesn't get taken over by all those filthy demons from New York. That sounds like it could be an anti-Semitic allegory! Although if it is, it doesn't make any sense because the Jews already own Hollywood which would mean Gabriel totally fucked up his job.

Constantine has come to Gabriel for help against Neron. Oh yeah! I forgot that there was an actual story lurking in the shadows here. Constantine's argument for Gabriel's help is that if New York is taken over by Neron, all of the seedy magicians and their annoying familiars are going to flood into Los Angeles. I happen to think a good amount of them would wind up in Portland because why not? Every other loser who believes they have an ounce of creativity has found their way here.

It's possible I just insulted myself in the last sentence of the previous paragraph.

Ugh! No! I just said...NO, DAMMIT! ENOUGH!

Gabriel says he won't help so Constantine decides to just fuck off. Let somebody else deal with it. He's just going to go get drunk. The problem with that is Constantine can never just fuck off. Something always pulls him back in. And this time, it'll probably be Oliver. Or drugs. Maybe some hot sex. Alcohol? Could wind up being anything, really.

I forgot Deadman was on the cover so it surprises me when Boston Brand becomes the thing trying to pull Constantine back to New York. Although John swears he's still working with the angels even though Gabriel politely declined to help. He probably put something in the smoke he kept breathing into Gabriel's face that will cause Gabriel some kind of mystic discomfort which only John can cure and he'll only cure it if Gabriel helps. That sounds like a Constantine plan.

Eventually, Deadman just possesses John and drags him back to New York against his will. On the flight, John manages to banish Deadman but since John's stuck in New York overnight now, he decides to head home to his own bed. That's where he discovers Oliver who explains that his daughters have been taken to Hell. Whoops!