Timber Wolf #2 (December 1992)

Timber Wolf #2 (December 1992)
By Al Gordon, Joe Phillips, Bob Pinaha, and Tom McCraw
Cover by Joe Phillips and Al Gordon
Edited by Eddie Berganza and KC Carlson

Timber Wolf (Timby to his friends) has an anger problem. I don't know if he had an anger problem before Aria transformed him into the werewolf he is now and transported him to the 20th Century. It seems that before this mini-series, he was not a full blown werewolf. I don't know. Maybe he was? I think he was just a skinny little emo twat who had extra fast reflexes and extra strength from his father shooting him up with Zoon beams. But that's all boring standard Legion fare so he needed a cool Wolverine/Lobo update for the '90s! Now he's angry and vicious and has a huge cock. You can argue about the cock but if you were a horny twelve year old who's halfway to becoming God and you transformed the only guy you were hanging out with, wouldn't you make his cock massive?

Aside from having to learn to live with a floppy gourd between his legs, Timber Wolf also has to learn to get along with Lobo's bastard son, the half-Durlan Thrust. Lobo's wanted for about a billion crimes across the galaxy but naming his son Thrust might be the grossest thing he's ever done. I love Lobo and my eyes keep trying to look at him sideways over that name. Thrust is kind of a pussy but that's because his mother was a Durlan. That means he's a shapechanger and if you were a horny young male who had the power to shapechange, wouldn't you try changing into a pussy every now and then? I'm pretty sure if I were a Durlan, I would have invented the fleshlight. I mean my left hand would have constantly been a pussy. Maybe a mouth sometimes. Oh! And a butthole!

Thrust and Timber Wolf have gone off on their own to search for Aria because they're bad boys who don't follow the rules. Their first stop: a bar called The Gene Pool where newly created supers hang out. That's because Captain Flag is there and the only clue they have is that he's involved with Aria's disappearance somehow.

Thrust drinks soda and gets horny over feet. No wonder Lobo doesn't want anything to do with him.

Captain Flag makes himself known on the next page by throwing Thrust through the front window. Captain Flag's costume consists of an American eagle codpiece and some other stuff I can't describe because I just kept staring at the codpiece. It's massive!

Ew. I don't know what the third thing he smells is yet but it's almost certainly something that's going to make me retch.

I'm not going to reveal what the third thing Timby smells is because it's too gross even for one of my comic book commentaries. All I'll say is that it's a smell that I can't seem to get out of my sheets.

The battle lasts for the rest of the issue because Al Gordon isn't just a writer; he's an artist! Of course he's going to write a comic book that's mostly big battles and sexy butts! Captain Flag gets away but not before Timber Wolf smelled a fourth smell on him: Aria!

See that expression? He is Lobo's kid!

In the end, we discover that Aria was kidnapped by a Dominator who's also controlling the head of Point Force. Not Jesse! The other guy whose name I don't know. And I'll never know it because I don't own Issue #3 and I'll never re-read the first two issues again to figure it out! Oh well. I hope Thrust went on to live a happy life full of soda pop and sexy feet because I don't think he really made much of an impact past this mini-series. He did make it into the version of the DC Who's Who that was perforated pages with holes punched down the side to stick in a binder. I definitely have his page but I'd have to dig it out. Maybe when I get around to continuing my series on Who's Who entries!

The Ranking!
It had a really nice lady ass, a guy mimicking a Lobo expression, and a guy with a massive American eagle codpiece. What more could you want out of a comic book? Oh, that's right. Having it not be based around Legion of Super-heroes characters! Oh, come on! Don't get upset with me, Legion fans! I'm just an ignorant asshole who never read Legion at that time of my life where I would have been completely sucked into their teenage horned-up drama! My adolescent Legion of Super-heroes was Degrassi Junior High! The original, baby! I remember when they began The Next Generation. Man, I was so annoyed by it. I was all, "Look at how good looking all the actors are! This isn't like real life at all! So stupid! The original had boys and girls whose level of attractiveness was all over the place, mostly the lower place (minus, you know, Caitlin Ryan. Rrrrow!). But then I discovered that the main character was little Emma, Spike's daughter, and I was all, "What the fuck?! Spike is in this?! And she's with Snake?! There's continuity with the original!" And then I watched it and fell in love with it as well. Especially because Caitlin was in it!

Legion Lost #5

Why must she fight alone? Did Telefish bugger out?

This issue is narrated by the telepathic fish guy. I think his name is Tellus. He and Dawnstar were left facing three giant Alastors at the end of last issue. Now, Tellus sees only one chance left to defeat Alastor. Dawnstar says she can see 73 ways to deal with Alastor. But most of hers involve running away at different speeds. Tellus suggests he go deep into Alastor's mind and convince Alastor to knock it the fuck off. Right now! But he needs Dawnstar to distract him while he does his mind mumbo jumbo.

Just like the cover, her costumes cleavage straps are missing.

See? That's what she should look like.

Pete Woods did the cover and the interior art and I guess he can't decide whether Dawnstar should have boob straps or not.

Most of the comic, Tellus is supposed to be telepathically working at convincing Alastor to stop his rampage. But mostly Tellus just narrates Dawnstar's actions as she distracts Alastor's three halves. Um, thirds!

When Tellus finally does do more than narrate the physical fight, we get yet another recollection of the story leading up to this story. Alastor worked on some mining colony to make enough money to enable his sister to go to college on Earth. But Xenophobic riots ended up killing her (supposedly) and Alastor went off the deep end. On his way to Earth, he met up with a Psion Geneticist who invented the Hypertaxis Pathogen which he tried to release on Earth in the 31st Century. The Legion of Super-heroes stopped him. So he went back in time and this comic book started.

I hope by issue six, they're done retelling parts of that tale! I think we've got it pretty near figured out now.

Tellus ends up stopping Alastor by pointing out that by releasing the pathogen on Earthlings, the future Earthlings are going to all be mixed alien races. Thus they won't be xenophobic ever because the Hypertaxis Pathogen will "eliminate the barriers of skin color, religion or geography." Um, okay. But it won't eliminate the barriers between everybody having different alien DNA! So they'll still have shit to fight over, you big dumb fish.

But who cares? Because Tellus didn't need to convince me! He just needed to convince Alastor. And Alastor is dumb so he ends his rampage and passes out. Now they just need to figure out what to do with him. Perhaps they'll learn some answers.

Oh yeah. Gates is still alive. Surprise?

Hopefully Martian Manhunter and Stormwatch will kill this comic dead.

I don't know how to judge this comic book. Is it really boring? Are there people out there who love the Legion of Super-heroes so much that this stuff is entertaining? It might even be a decent story. But I think The Legion of Super-heroes interests me the least of any super hero comic idea ever.

Reading this comic is like dating a Mormon. See? That statement is ambiguous enough! If you like dating Mormons, this comic book is for you! If you don't, don't bother! I'm not saying I'm better because Mormons, I mean, this comic doesn't interest me. I'm just saying I don't know how to put it into context and decide whether it's a decent comic book or not. And even more confusing, I'm going to go read Legion of Super-heroes #5 right now and not be entertained during that either.

Legion Lost #4

But found by who? Charles Widmore?

This issue is from Dawnstar's point of view. She's currently in Earth orbit trying to track down Doctor Scanlon and other Hypersapiens. Hypersapien just sounds like another name for Toddler, like Ankle Biter and Mommy's Little Accident.

Tellus, the telepath, has also sensed another threat to Legion in his search for Hypersapiens. An organization that is keeping an eye on weirdos and cosmic threats and is probably behind the guns on the cover of this issue.

You can tell they're high tech by the free-floating computer screens. I hate that sci-fi trope. We'll have flying cars before those stupid useless things!

Thinking about future technology and how it changes storytelling had me thinking about the iPad. More so than smart phones (even though they essentially can do the same things), the iPad (and its like. I use iPad in the same way we use the term 'Kleenex' and 'Dumpster) will take the place of the Information Techie Character (like Wade Load from Kim Possible. I had to look up his last name. Man, that's insulting!) that is always sitting alone in some room doling out information to teams via their earpieces as he looks up data and monitors security cameras. Now that guy can be part of the on-site team monitoring his iPad! It's not as critical a change in storytelling as cell phones made but it's an interesting development. Can you imagine trying to do X-Files before cell phones? Try watching the television series Wiseguy now and laugh how he has to constantly find a fucking payphone to call Lifeguard. Although having a cell phone while deep undercover is probably a liability, so he'd probably have to do that anyway.

But floating intangible computer monitors are all just stupid big budget movie eye candy crap. I don't want to be able to see through the thing I'm looking at being distracted by interns walking past my Youtube video I'm trying to watch! If people are trying to develop that technology, just stop. Stop right now and get back to the flying car so we can have lots and lots and lots of mid-air pile-ups!

What I'm learning from Dawnstar's narration is that she's boring. Worst date ever. She'd have trouble deciding on an item from the menu because she'd want it to be the perfect thing in the context of the environment and circumstances. But she'd also worry about what others might think of her choice. And then she'd second guess herself the whole time she's eating it because she has to be perfect but doesn't have the confidence to act. And forget anything happening after the meal!

Dawnstar claims she has the same confidence as the other members of the team but I don't see it. If she did, she wouldn't beat herself up when a decision she made didn't turn out exactly how she'd expected. And that's the problem. She expects the best. The others hope for the best. When they don't get it, they try again or learn. Dawnstar acts as if she won't even try if she can't be assured of getting it right.

But you know, if they're setting up this attitude in the Narration Boxes early in this issue, I bet she does something unexpected and crazy and risky by the end!

See?! Even Wildfire is foreshadowing her coming irrationality! I think that's Wildfire speaking. He's so tiny!

Timber Wolf and Wildfire and the other guy eventually track down the Hypersapien that is part Chameleon Girl. But when they find her, she's sleeping with a dart in her back. Not a pub dart but a tranquilizer dart! She's been taken down by the...

Haven't I seen these guys before? What comic book was that? Oh yeah! Dungeon Module S2--White Plume Mountain!

The Black Razors? Really. I'm reading too many comic books because I'm pretty sure these guys made an appearance in another comic. Was it Grifter or Voodoo? Checking with the internet, it tells me it was Voodoo! It's these kinds of things I'm supposed to be remembering from month to month! I'm glad to see some of it is sticking. But the blog is to fill the gaps in my memory so that when it's time to read Voodoo #5, I'll reread the past blogs for a quick refresher before reading the next issue. Much better than relying on my stupid brain! Although I have to wade through all the lies I made up and all the photoshopped images I created to figure out what actually happened. Stupid whimsicle entries.

Dawnstar and Telepathic Space Fish finally track down Alastor. And Dawnstar actually acts instead of thinking about it for three hours.

Which results in...



Whoops! That's Alastor. And Alastor. And Alastor.

I'm a big bored by this comic. I just don't care about the characters at all! Apparently Dawnstar and Wildfire have some sort of romantic thing going on but it hasn't been shown in any way at all. It's just been mentioned off-hand how he can't touch her because he's pure energy. And the big telepathic fish thing just speaks staccato sentences. And Timber Wolf runs amok and does whatever he wants. And I don't even know the name of the other guy who flies via sound waves! But at least this comic book only has five or six characters I don't care about. Now I'm about to go read Legion of Super-Heroes which has an infinite amount of Lads, Boys, Kids, and Girls I couldn't give a fuck about!

Legion Lost #3

Red Rage is another human infected with the pathogen. Duh.

Issue #3 is narrated by Timber Wolf. Or Lone Wolf. This isn't a surprise because he's been full of anger throughout the last two comics and now this one is called Red Rage. Even now, he's thinking about being angry and how he would love to take it out on someone.

Their headquarters is a Westward Ho motel.

Let's reexamine the Time Bubble explosion from the first issue. After it exploded, Timber Wolf said that he could smell (or taste. Ew) the DNA of Gates and Chameleon Girl who disappeared in the disaster. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're dead! Maybe just one ear was blown off or a thumb or perhaps they both simply lost all of their hair. My guess is that they gated away somewhere far away, with Alastor, and now can't get back to Red Lake Falls. Perhaps Gate was severely injured. Or maybe Alastor is keeping them hostage. Or maybe, since the explosion was in a Time Bubble, they just all ended up in another time. I'm pretty sure it's one of those things and that they're not actually dead.

Timber Wolf is not content to stay in the motel. The others have projects they can work on while inside but Timber Wolf wants to hunt. The others want him to stay put since they don't know if he's infected with the pathogen and if he'll infect others by leaving. But then they catch the local news.

Ghost #2 is found!

It looks like Timber Wolf has found something to do! Also, are these the only Legion of Super-hero heroes that don't have Lad or Girl or Boy tacked on to the end of their name? I think Chameleon Girl who was supposedly killed was the only one with a dumb Legion name. Maybe that means this comic book is more interesting!

"...we never have to try and catch it."

So! Earth does have the resources to track and notice new objects in orbit. And since they can locate something as small as a person that moves so fast that they're praying they never have o catch it, they should be noticing all of the other alien ships and capitalist fortresses hanging around in space as well. Maybe they just flag them all and put out a Super Hero Bulletin so any hero can deal with any possible problem.

Timber Wolf catches up to the new Hypersapien that is hunting and eating other Hypersapiens. He toys with the idea of just letting it go and taking care of their problem for them. That's a great idea! Just let it go around eating all of the infected people and then kill it. Bravo, Timber Wolf! Except, you know, he can't do that. He has to stop it.

What an amazing new power! Shooting off the tips of your fingers!

Timber Wolf realizes he's also been infected by the pathogen. I don't know what alien DNA he gets but it's some kind of alien that can shoot it's talons at high velocity and then regenerate them. There are some weird aliens in the DC Universe.

After Timber Wolf downs the creature with his super talons, it collapses to the ground and cowers. And then Chameleon Girl morphs out of the side of the creature. The creature has been eating other creatures with Durlan DNA in an attempt to bring Chameleon Girl back. Was she possessing the creature and making it kill so that she might live? Sounds a little messed up to me. What right does she have? What makes her more worthy of life than the poor, infected sons of bitches she's making this creature kill? And isn't that interfering a bit much with the past? I guess that interference thing has been let out of the bag at this point. Not much hope of getting out of this without having royally fucked up the previous time line. Maybe I can pretend that they screwed up the universe so badly that Legion of Super-heroes doesn't exist anymore! And then I won't have to read that comic! Yay!

That's it for that issue. Mediocre at best. No change in the rankings.

Legion Lost #2

Probably somebody I've never heard of before this comic.

On the second page of Legion Lost, somebody's thought boxes describe what has happened to create this comic book series. I say somebody because I don't know these heroes at all so I don't know who the little star with wings icon belongs to that is supposed to identify the person thinking the thought boxes. The thought boxes say: "If the Legion of Super-heroes had stopped the xenophobic uprisings in the future -- a brother wouldn't have lost a sister ... grief wouldn't have become hatred ... and hatred wouldn't have led Alastor back in time to release a deadly plague." Now this sounds like a story that has been told in a past comic book series. But since is the New 52, there is not asterisk and note from the editor saying where or when this stuff happened like there normally would be. Which is one of the reasons why fans should be upset at DC's half-assed attempt at a reboot. I would like to know where and when this happened or if this is just part of a new story and the reader isn't supposed to know exactly what went on yet. Perhaps these events will happen in Legion at some future date. I don't know because DC refuses to place editorial notes explaining things that happened pre-New 52 in an illusion to make the New 52 seem like a fresh start.

For the most part, I don't care if this is a fresh start or not. I was hoping there would be more chances taken in the changes made since Flash fucked up something in the timeline in Flashpoint. But I would like a little more clarification on things that previously happened that actually affect what's happening in the current comic book I'm reading. Maybe I should be reading the Legion of Super-heroes Secret Origin Files comic that is out right now as well! That might clarify things!

The pathogen that was released by Alastor has turned at least one man, Doc Scanlon, into an 'energy-based life form that still thinks he's a man'. It seems these thought boxes are Wildfire's. Wildfire mentions that he, too, is an energy-based life form'. Or she. I don't know which one is Wildfire.

Perhaps Wildfire is a result of this pathogen having been released one thousand years before?

This pathogen was created to merge alien DNA with human DNA as a punishment against xenophobic extremists from the future. So this first person they find, Doctor Scanlon, has had his DNA merge with an alien energy being called a Teallian. Did Legion Lost just become a 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo comic? Are they going to have to hunt down the 24 people who supposedly died in Alastor's explosion but really just became infected with alien DNA? And will they all have some special relationship to one of the members to fill the story with pathos?

This one revolves around Wildfire and his thoughts because he's an energy being that must remain in a containment suit or he will disperse and be lost. So he's trying to help Doctor Scanlon to remain as human as possible. But the doctor refuses, embracing his new form and eventually dispersing completely. Wildfire is left feeling [Legion] Lost after the encounter. Did he feel like he failed the Doctor or did he fail himself? Why is he desperately clinging to a human form when he's something completely different now?

It seems he is clinging to the shape because he has people he cares about and needs to continue to be a part of their lives. The Doctor was new to town and had no family. He was essentially alone and he seemed tired and dragged down by life anyway. He saw his new form as an escape from the drudgery and loneliness his life had become.

So maybe Wildfire didn't fail anybody. It's just two different ways of reacting to the change and to being true to one's own needs and desires.

I read this issue fairly quickly and none of the art really needed to be scanned. A lot of the same stuff. A bunch of heroes flying around. A few explosions. Energy beings and mushroom clouds! I'm still not entirely sold on this comic and, generally, the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo format is a bit of a cheat (even though I based my entire Dwarf Lover comic on the concept! But this concept seems a bit more like Lost which I loved. Maybe that's why it's called Legion Lost! So the comic highlights a specific character and the reader learns a bit about the character through flashbacks and how he deals with the conflict at hand. This comic is showing promise. From one I didn't give a shit about to one I think can be very interesting.