Justice League Europe Annual #2 (1991)

Is this an early version of Morrison's Seven Soldiers of Victory? (Obviously the three Legionnaires count as one soldier.)

Oh, this could also be an early version of Demon Knights! With the proper writer (and Moritat as artist again? Yeah?), that could be a fantastic book, although I wouldn't mind General Glory being replaced by somebody, maybe John Constantine, or if they need to be more of a one-to-one replacement for a Lawful Good goody-two-shoes, maybe Stargirl? And obviously Elongated Man needs to be replaced by Detective Chimp. I wrote "obviously" but if there's a much stronger word that means the same thing, you can replace "obviously" with that. Maybe that word is saying, "Obviously! Duh! What are you? A moron?!" Some of you might be thinking, "What about that '50s era Dick Van Dyke lookin' cowboy?" And I'd have to say, "Oh, we keep Bat Lash! If for nothing else then I've read his Who's Who entry about six hundred times (which, coincidentally, is also why we're keeping Anthro!)" Other than this annual and the "B" issue of Who's Who, I'm not sure I've ever read a Bat Lash comic book. Unless he had a Secret Origins issue.

This issue begins with Justice League Europe and Justice League America all crammed into the little room where Justice League America were all touched by Waverider in their annual. But Waverider is off fucking around somewhere else. Which is super convenient for anybody who has been paying attention to Armageddon 2001 because Captain Atom is at this meeting. But before Justice League Europe head back to the London Embassy where Superman brings Waverider to touch everybody, Captain Atom fucks off. Yeah! Imagine that! The guy who turns out not to be Monarch just happens to avoid getting his future read by Waverider! What I mean to say is the guy who was supposed to be Monarch but winds up not being Monarch due to non-story-related issues but who probably would have been found out to be Monarch at the beginning of this annual if Waverider had only managed to infiltrate this room while both teams were there (assuming the editors hadn't already changed their mind about Captain Atom being Monarch at this point, is what I mean).

You know what? I'm just confusing everybody who was too young to read this "Summer Event" off the shelves. But all y'all who were there, you know what I'm talking about! We all fucking knew Monarch was Captain Atom! You couldn't fool us, DC! At least not until you fooled us by saying, "Surprise! Hawk is Monarch! I bet none of you idiots guessed that because none of the clues pointed to Hawk because it wasn't supposed to be him! Ha ha! Got you, you fucking tools! Thanks for blowing all your summer job money on this garbage! Choads!"

I'm finally in the right mood to read this comic book and that mood is "apoplectic at DC." How dare I imagine them talking to me that way?!

Waverider has learned a little thing called "consent" since the Justice League America annual.

Some of the heroes are a bit concerned about learning their futures. For good reasons because the two characters the creative team choose to show their concern are Crimson Fox and Blue Jay. Giffen and Jones probably chose them because they realized they were the two characters with the least chance at any future success in the DC Universe.

I don't know what eventually happens to Crimson Fox but Blue Jay, you're killed by that jerk standing behind Crimson Fox in twenty-five years or so.

Look at Wally's smirk in that caption. It's like he remembers killing Blue Jay at the Recovery Center For Sad Heroes in a few decades from now. And knowing how mixed up The Flash is in time travel nonsense, he probably does remember it!

The first person Waverider touches is Catherine Cobert even though she's not a hero. My guess at Catherine's future is that she fucked Captain Atom a ton and eventually developed super powers from all the radioactive cream pies she received.

Catherine's life hasn't changed much in ten years which is probably the most realistic story DC has ever done. She's still at the same job, still moaning about taking care of a bunch of arrestedly developed heroes, and wishing her sex life were better. One of DC's clues as to who Monarch was should have been Catherine thinking about how much she wanted to fuck him.

Speaking of Monarch, he wasn't a factor in any of the Justice League America futures. Shouldn't the heroes who didn't turn out to be Monarch at least be complaining about the new fascist hero making authoritarian waves? But not one word! Does he come out of absolutely nowhere in 2001? If I'd recently read Armageddon 2001, I'd probably know the answer to that.

Silver Sorceress is in Waverider's vision so he's apparently not very good at predicting the future.

Kara's cat is still alive in 2001 so that's some good news. Although Silver Sorceress is as well so I shouldn't get too excited about seeing the cat alive. Waverider's vision ends when Catherine witnesses the Justice League London Embassy disappear in a puff of smoke. He cuts contact from Catherine while acting really concerned about what he saw but then offers her no explanation about his reaction. So now she has to assume she's dying of Captain Atom Cream Pie Cancer in ten years.

Next up is Rocket Red. Waverider's vision of Rocket Red begins as Rocket Red suddenly appears in Camelot. Which isn't ten years ago but I suppose Waverider's power, attuned to the person he touches, simply displays where they're at ten years from now. And so what if that happens to be a fictionalized version of Great Britain thousands of years ago? I say "fictionalized" but this entire DC Universe is "fictionalized" and Camelot actually exists within it. King Arthur mistakes Rocket Red for the greatest knight he has ever seen. Merlin is super jealous although I think, judging by the tent in Arthur's royal robes, Gwenhwyfar should be the jealous one.

I used one of the Welsh spellings for the Queen and since I had to look up how to spell any version of her name anyway, I chose the one I liked best. Also King Arthur wasn't depicted with a boner. If he was, I'd have scanned in the panel for proof. Although if I weren't reading an annual which is already going to take me longer than it's worth, I'd have Photoshopped a boner onto King Arthur to prove he had one anyway. I'm not saying you can't trust anything I say but, well, just don't. I'm a fucking liar. So I guess I am saying that. You can't trust anything I say.

You might wonder why I would lie for no reason about a thirty year old comic book I'm reading. But I'll tell you exactly why: because I often admit really embarrassing stuff about myself on this blog and if I cultivate a facetious, whimsical, and exaggerative personality, you won't know when I'm actually admitting to something true!

Is this an example of what the kids mean when they call me "salty"?

Not only do the tumblr kids call me salty, they also say I'm a pathetic edgelord! But I'll show them that I'm not an edgelord! I won't make a single dead baby joke in this entire review!

Dmitri has loads of Round Table adventures until Merlin, consumed with CAYKE, summoned Etrigan to have him killed.

No wait. CAYKE doesn't make any sense. Does that say ENVYE?

One less Rocket Red in the DC Universe won't bother anybody except the super nerds who somehow name Dmitri as their favorite character. Although if they're that super at being nerds, their favorite character is probably Rocket Red #7, the one that winds up being a Manhunter.

Power Girl is next. By now, the reader has probably realized that when the Embassy disappeared, Justice League Europe was scattered throughout time. Power Girl winds up in London during the blitz. Judging by the missiles crashing down around her, Slothrop fucked somebody right where Kara appears.

Power Girl runs into General Glory and his sidekick, Eddie. A building falls on Eddie, killing him, probably because he kept having impure thoughts about Power Girl's powers. For some reason, Power Girl winds up becoming General Glory's new sidekick, with the Guy Gardner haircut and everything. At this point, I'm seriously doubting Waverider's ability to see into the future. Pretty sure when he touches somebody, a random piece of fan-fiction about that character loads into his brain, deluding him into believing he's seeing the future. No wonder this idiot figures out Hank is Monarch when it's obvious Captain Atom was!

Metamorpho winds up in the future getting a drink with Jonah Hex. Remember when Jonah Hex wound up in the future post-Crisis-on-Infinite-Earths in a comic book called Hex? Now why didn't I read that series? I guess I didn't know how much I loved Jonah Hex in 1985.

Next, Waverider touches Silver Sorceress resulting in three blank pages. Because she's dead in 2001. Hell, she's dead in 1991. She just doesn't know it yet!

Remember how I lie all the time? Apparently Giffen and Jones didn't know Silver Sorceress would be dead well before 2001 also. She actually winds up back in prehistoric times being hit on by a cave woman.

"Nima alunda Sorceress. Zug zug?"

Crimson Fox goes next and winds up in the American Frontier with Bat Lash. I sense some hot sex coming up. Pages and pages of it. So many dirty, filthy pages. Except Waverider doesn't tune in to my Crimson Fox/Bat Lash fan-fiction and instead they just run around getting shot at. Boring.

Blue Jay is up next but we all know his future so let's skip ahead a few pages.

Ralph Dibny winds up in Victorian London, teleporting right on top of Moriarty and pissing Sherlock Holmes right off. So much so that he doubles down on his heroin use. But the rest of the social elite love the way his neck grows. Finally, an audience that isn't sick to death of looking at his grotesque displays of elongation.

Just as Waverider is wrapping up his terribly thought out investigation, Captain Atom wanders in. Oh boy! Time for Waverider to discover the identity of Monarch! But before he can touch Captain Atom, the cat rubs up on Waverider's ankles and he sees the cat's future. Kara's cat's future explains why everybody wound up in various places throughout time. Waverider also realizes that Elongated Man, with the help of H.G. Wells' time machine, is able to hunt them all down and return them to 2001. So Waverider, realizing the whole adventure amounts to absolutely nothing, scares Mr. Big into shutting down his spy electronics in the cat's eye which will prevent any of this time travel nonsense from ever happening. After all that's figured out, Waverider touches Captain Atom and the story ends to be concluded in Armageddon 2001 #2! Because he's going to find out that Captain Atom is Monarch! Or that Captain Atom is the only person who can stop Monarch or who knows who Monarch is or whatever. Imagine how much of Armageddon 2001 #2 the writers and artists had to change after editorial began running around DC's offices screaming, "Everybody knows! We need to surprise them! Make up something else that doesn't make any sense! Step on it, you assholes!"

Justice League Europe Annual #2 Rating: No rating. I don't rate annuals. I don't even talk intelligently about comic books! I readily admit these aren't actually "reviews"! They're just read-alongs where I make snotty comments about terrible art and awful writing! And I rarely praise any of the creators who deserve to be praised because I'm a stingy, self-hating, low self-esteem piece of shit who offers nothing valuable to society at all. Are you happy now, Cullen Bunn?! You were right! I fucking suck!

That was more lying! If anything, I love myself too much, probably!

Justice League America Annual #5 (1991)

Guy Gardner looks like if Burgess Meredith, as an old man, was one of the Little Rascals.

Jesus Christ that caption! I'm sorry for every time I complained about your super fucking old references, Giffen and DeMatteis!

Based on Max Lord being hooked up to oxygen on this cover, and being that I'm as smart as Sherlock Holmes, I'm guessing this Annual took place during "Breakdowns." I'm reading it after finishing "Breakdowns" because I've been averse to re-reading the Annuals and the Quarterlies. They just contain too many pages! Plus this should really be read with all the other Armageddon books. I have Past Me to thank for none of the big event books ever being stored together. They're just scattered all over, some with the series they belong with and others just in random places because I never read the series they go with in the first place. I hate that I bought into this shit every summer! It was so expensive! Two whole dollars for this book! Outrageous!

I'm pretending I can see the faces of the younger generation right now who pay sometimes up to six whole dollars per book. That's not outrageous. That's fucking criminal. You can be reading a whole damn used book for that price! Sure, it doesn't have all the pretty pictures but you get way more value out of it. People always like to compare modern prices with prices from the past by running them through some sort of inflation calculator but let me tell you: no matter what an inflation calculator says $2.00 from 1992 is worth now in 2023, it was still way easier to buy a $2.00 comic than a $6.00 comic. Plus there were more pages: twenty-four versus the twenty you get now. Unless you get less? I have no idea. During The New 52, each comic was 20 pages which pissed me off at first. But then when I realized I had to write about every single one of them, I was glad for the lighter load of work.

If I remember Armageddon 2001 correctly (and I suspect I don't, memory being what it is and LSD doing what it does), the story was that some evil despot named Monarch was going to take over the world and murder all of the other heroes by 2001. That despot was an unknown superhero from 1991. A being named Waverider came back in time ten years to ferret out who the culprit would be and to stop them before they turned villainous. I won't spoil who Monarch turned out to be here because Waverider won't find him in this group of heroes. But it was Captain Atom. Just kidding! It was actually somebody else. Just kidding again! It was definitely Captain Atom except DC changed it part way through the story because all of the fans were casually discussing how Monarch was obviously Captain Atom. So I was kidding?

Anyway, how Waverider would discover who was probably Monarch was to divine their futures. But he was only divining possible futures so it wasn't really that effective. What it was effective for was creating a whole bunch of Elseworlds stories and What-Ifs! So much fun! Let's see what Waverider learned about these chowderheads.

Dramatic ironically, Waverider takes the form of Captain Atom so he can touch all the other heroes without raising their suspicions. No wait. It would only be "dramatic irony" if everybody reading the comic already knew Captain Atom was Monarch but nobody in the comic book did. Oh wait! It was dramatic irony because everybody reading this comic book had already figured out Captain Atom was Monarch! Unless the dramatic irony only rears its dramatic head now in 2023 as I read this knowing that Captain Atom didn't become Monarch which means I knew something the audience at the time thought they knew but ultimately did not (because DC editors cheated).

I'm confused. Let's just see what happens when Waverider touches J'onn J'onzz. Not like that, you pervs. They just shake hands!

In 2001, Martian Manhunter has become a guru high up in the Himalayas where he doles out wisdom to those who sacrifice everything in the attempt to reach him. One man, in Waverider's vision, ascends to the temple and asks J'onn the meaning of life.

I buy it.

J'onn obviously isn't Monarch and nobody would have expected him to be anyway. He's pretty much the only decent hero on Earth, aside from maybe Wonder Woman and Halo.

The next member of the League Waverider comes in contact with is Guy Gardner. Now there's a good candidate for Monarch! He's angry and filled with issues that he never confronts. Surely some day all of his trauma that he keeps bottle up inside will explode outward and he'll become an inhuman monster. Or more of an inhuman monster, I mean.

Guy's a girl?

That isn't really Guy, just a member of his cult. But it could have been Guy if Waverider missed the mark by 1000 years and was seeing the year 3001!

Guy's a girl!

In 2001, Guy has thousands of followers who all act like him and get their hair cut like him. He also loves fucking women who look just like him. Hey, I get that! I always knew Guy and I had a lot in common! At the big Guy Gardner rally (whose purpose isn't expressed. I guess to feed Guy's ego?), he's hit in the head with a sandbag from the rafters, cut by some mysterious person! This obviously turns him into Nice Guy Guy Gardner who his fans despise. His downfall is swift and I assume he's killed at the rally. So it must have been Monarch who cut the sandbag.

Waverider touches Blue Beetle next. Instead of seeing nothing at all since Blue Beetle has been murdered by Maxwell Lord by 2001, he sees a fat, balding Blue Beetle sitting in a tiny apartment watching television. As if Blue Beetle could ever be Monarch! He doesn't even have any super powers! How is he going to kill all the other heroes? I mean, Batman doesn't have any powers either and I wouldn't assume Batman couldn't be Monarch. But then I respect Batman.

I never thought I had what it takes to be a super hero until reading this panel.

Blue Beetle's life has gone to shit. He lost the rights to his own super hero name, tried to become the Stupendous Silverfish, and was laughed at by criminals due to his stupid costume and his flab. Bold call in 1992 by Keith and J.M. to know you could still laugh at fat people in ten years time. They probably assumed that would never change having spent their entire lives immersed in American pop culture where anytime a fat character was on screen, they were double fisting high calorie snacks and had chocolate smeared on their faces. Ha ha! What a great joke! What a time to be alive!

After realizing Beetle becomes too much of a loser to be Monarch, he moves over and touches Ice's inner thigh. Isn't Waverider worried that this inappropriate touch could be what sets everything in motion for Captain Atom to become Monarch?! He should be more careful! By the time he touches Captain Atom, he's going to see how his life fell apart when Ice sued him for sexual harassment and then Sue Dibny arranges to kill herself by having Jean Loring stomp all over her brain so that nobody finds out she's dying of cancer after fucking Captain Atom but that plan falls apart too because Waverider messed with the timeline! People say even the flapping of the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane so why can't touching the inner thigh of an ice goddess bring about the destruction of every DC hero?

In 2001, Ice is living alone in a small cottage with a dozen cats. So she made it! She's living the dream! The only problem is she hears about Guy's accident and how he was struck on the head. She rushes out to find him, knowing he'll be sweet and kind and asexual Guy Gardner. Why she loves that one, I can't fucking guess.

I wish this were a scene between Batman and Superman.

Waverider's vision is broken because Ice reacts to his forwardness.

Oh, I know what you felt! The same thing I feel when I get a boner!

Darn. Waverider probably learned he shouldn't touch the heroes so close to their no-no zones. That's too bad because I was hoping he was going to read Bea's future via contact with the inside of her butthole! Finger or tongue. Hell, I'd take a toe even!

Waverider approaches Fire next thinking about how beautiful she is and how that translates to her being the hero he most admired. Sounds like it's butthole exploration time!

Fire touches Waverider's chest and he sees her future. She's at Tora and Guy's wedding with her date, Oberon. Oberon asks her to marry him just as Ted Kord comes barging into the church to kick Bea's ass. It was her company who bought the rights to Blue Beetle and sued him to keep from using the name. He's so angry that he just might be Monarch! Except he's still just a powerless loser so nobody reading this comic book was thinking anything other than, "Monarch is Captain Atom. I fucking know it. All the clues point directly at him!"

Booster Gold arrives and Waverider reads his future next. But he shoots way past 2001 and reads Booster's future when he returned to the 25th century (or whatever time he's from) after he lost everything going into business with Ted. But while looking at all the displays in the super hero museum's 20th Century exhibit, he realizes something terrible happens to Blue Beetle in 2001. It's not revealed because Keith and J.M. want the readers to think Ted might be Monarch but instead of thinking that, we're all thinking, "I wonder if Ice and Fire every kiss while naked?"

Booster decides he has to go back in time to save Ted and realizes only Maxwell Lord can help him. Oh man! Maybe he read how Maxwell Lord shoots Blue Beetle in the face!

Sorry, no scans for Booster's future. We've got to move along quickly here! Chop chop!

Scott Free, Mister Miracle, is next although does anybody really care about that? He's retiring and passing on the mantle in 1991. Shouldn't Waverider be touching his protégé, Shilo Norman? Maybe it doesn't matter since Shilo Norman and half a dozen other Mister Miracles appear in Waverider's vision. Maybe because Waverider's abilities causes him to focus on the hero that is most likely to become Monarch, Scott's future vision is mostly about Blue Beetle and the trouble he's causing. He's been arrested for attacking Fire at Ice's wedding and now everybody thinks they're responsible for rescuing him. Sure would have been nice if they thought about rescuing their friend when he was down on his luck, lonely, and depressed.

Next up is General Glory. Why? Won't his alias, Joe Jones, be dead in ten years?

Well, he's ready to die but stupid Max convinces him to become General Glory again.

The General Glory vision becomes a Justice League vision as it's mostly about Maxwell Lord getting the Justice League back together and working for the United Nations again. The new team consists of General Glory as the leader and his sidekicks Guy Gardner, Ice, Aquaman, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, and two women I don't recognize. Beetle is still fat but I guess he didn't become Monarch or kill himself? Whatever was happening with him, I guess Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, Oberon, and Big Barda saved him.

Oh wait! There's one vision left: Maxwell Lord! This vision fills in the gaps of the effort to save Blue Beetle. Booster talks Max into mind controlling Bea to drop the charges and then he figures he might as well force her to hand over part of her business and then he decides to convince General Glory to lead the new JLA and then he almost certainly uses his power to get all of the new members to cut their hair like Guy Gardner. What I'm saying is that Waverider learned Maxwell Lord is still a controlling jerk ten years later.

The next chapter in Armageddon 2001 takes place in the Hawk and Dove Annual but I won't spoil what Waverider discovers there. I mean, he discovers nothing because Hawk isn't Monarch at all. At least not yet!

Justice League America Annual #5 Rating: I don't rate these things! The thing I find most interesting about this Annual is how Booster Gold never mentions what Blue Beetle is going to do if Maxwell Lord doesn't help him out. It shines an interesting light on what eventually became DC continuity. What if Blue Beetle was going to do something even worse than become Monarch? What if Booster Gold knew Beetle needed to be stopped by any means necessary? And what if minor things can change in continuity but major things are much harder to change. So at some point in the future, Maxwell Lord learns he must stop Blue Beetle but many other events have transpired and he can't get General Glory back. Fire isn't running a corporation that bankrupted Beetle. Ice and Guy aren't married. What if the only resource at Lord's disposal was a gun? And Beetle absolutely had to be stopped? Maybe Max Lord teamed up with Brother Eye not to become all-powerful and a Monarch of his own sorts. Maybe it was all a ploy to kill Blue Beetle before he does the horrible thing Booster Gold saw he would do! I'm pretty sure that's what happened and Max Lord saved everybody by being a huge manipulative fascist dick!

Justice League Quarterly #4 (Autumn 1991)

I have never been more attracted to Ice.

Time for another fucking Quarterly! I know why I purchased the Quarterlies thirty years ago: because I was young, dumb, and definitely whatever the third thing is supposed to be. Also because I loved the Justice League. Although I am surprised I had an extra three dollars to purchase a quarterly issue every three months. Money was tight because I was fucking lazy. And now, thirty years later, I'm cursing my 19 year old self because my even dumber 51 year old self has decided to re-read all of my old comic books and write about them. If two aspects of myself at two different points of time were both morons, does the fact I'm a moron become a scientific certainty? Luckily that's probably not enough data points to draw a conclusion. So until more data comes in, I am, scientifically, not yet a moron.

The first story in this way-too-long comic book stars The Injustice League and is called "The Sunnie Caper" and makes me want to fuck Robin the Boy Wonder.

Well, not any of the boy wonders you're probably thinking of but this Carrie Kelley look-a-like.

The Injustice League hang out at a bar in New York that only serves super villains. The wait staff all dress like sexy versions of super heroes like Robin, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter. Probably Martian Manhunter. What server would look sexier than a woman in Martian Manhunter's crossed suspenders and speedos? If one of the wait staff winds up being dressed like J'onn, believe me, I'll scan that panel in immediately and then take a short swoon break. Never you mind how I define "swoon."

Major Disaster, Clock King, Cluemaster, Big Sir, and Multi-man are discussing whether they're good guys or bad guys. They were bad guys but it didn't pay because they were terrible at it. But then instead of getting their asses sued by the Justice League because they promoted themselves as the Injustice League, the Justice League hired them to work in Antarctica. But that fell apart when they had their asses handed to them by a bunch of vampiric penguins. Now they spend their time collecting unemployment checks and hanging around a bar debating their alignment.

Bruce, the member of the team who has no powers and does nothing and maybe is only a member because he rents the apartment where they all crash, turns the group on to a great opportunity: he's joined a cult and there's room for the rest of them too! For some reason, they don't leap at the opportunity to join the the Cult of Minister Sun. You'd think a bunch of unemployed losers all struggling with identity crises would jump at the chance to pester strangers at airports and malls for a place to live and a vocation which comes with a sense of meaning and well being. But instead, they decide to rob the cult because the heads of cults are always rich and also because robbing a cult would make them good guys and also because it would give them a sense of purpose. Robbing Minister Sun would solve all of their problems, the main problem being that they're broke assholes. I guess it wouldn't solve their being assholes but I also don't think they believe that's one of their problems. So fair play.

One of the main attributes of the Injustice League is that they can never succeed in anything they do. So they're about to get their asses handed to them by a group of weak-minded adults who can't function in society without somebody else telling them exactly what to do. That's me just lost all of my cult member and military readers.

"This is an 80-page comic book," I calmly explain to myself because I was just about to lose my shit about how boring the first fifteen pages are. "Sure, the writer could have skipped most of the scenes where the Injustice League discuss the heist and stake out the cult's compound. But he was probably told to pad out his story to fill another useless Justice League Quarterly," I whisper softly to myself as I stroke my hair and try to keep myself from screaming a final, existential scream into the void which my mind will never recover from. Panting, sweaty, heart beating too fast, I growl, "He could have at least made those extra pages funny."

These guys just turned up on page 15 which is the start of their story, making them way more interesting than the Injustice League with their 15 page set up.

Who are these guys? I don't know but I'll find out during the rest of the story! This is why that ancient old dude always said to start everything in the middle of the story. Because the beginning is all boring set up that the audience can extrapolate from the rest of the story. Like how Star Wars began in the middle because, as we saw years later, the beginning was all about some boring import tariffs being voted on by a Galactic Senate or something. I'd be more specific or correct but it was so boring that the only thing I really remember about going to see The Phantom Menace was the trailer for Fight Club before the movie. Star Wars was much better when viewers didn't know exactly what led up to the Clone Wars or what the Clone Wars even were, actually. All the soldiers were clones of Boba Fett's dad? Why?!

It seems some other villains have also decided to rob the cult. I hope those two guys are The Penguin and The Riddler! Unless they're FBI agents meant to be watching the cult to make sure they're not dangerous and have discovered the cult has tons of loot and intend to steal it themselves. Which is exactly what they are because I read ahead.

According to this story, the only power any of the Injustice League possess is the ability to throw knock-out gas capsules. And that's something just Cluemaster does. I know Major Disaster can cause terrible disasters which is a great super power but limits the situations where it can be used. Clock King creates schedules, Multi-man has mood swings, and Big Sir, while being strong, is just too stupid to be any use. If I were Cluemaster, I'd throw my capsule at my teammates and slit their throats at the end of this heist.

Fair enough. Cluemaster is shit as well.

This story is awful. The Injustice League fuck up but then things work out but then they get fucked in some other way but then things work out but then they get fucked again but then things really seem to have worked out only for them to get fucked super hard and the story ends leaving them where they were at the start: broke and starving. It's hard to judge exactly how original a story was when you're reading it 30 years into the future but I have to assume that this was trite, derivative garbage even in 1991. According to his Wikipedia, Will Jacobs, the writer, left writing soon after this to start a used book service or something. Good choice, Will. Except in 2014, he joined with his writing partner, Gerard Jones (uh-oh), to write a sequel to some book that made fun of Leave it to Beaver. Timely, that! I mean timely sarcastically in the sense that nobody in 2014 probably knew anything about Leave it to Beaver and also literally in that Gerard Jones was soon after arrested for possession of images of child sexual abuse. I'm sure Will Jacobs, his long-time writing partner, knew nothing about that at all. Wink, wink.

Saying "wink, wink" after a statement like that won't open me up to a libel lawsuit, will it? I just had something in my eye as I was typing and was trying to get it out!

After reading that story, I'm seriously thinking about taking my copies of Justice League Quarterly numbers 5-10 into the backyard and burning them so that I don't feel forced to read them. Maybe since they have nothing to do with Justice League continuity, I'll just leave them for after I'm done with the monthly issues. They really interrupt the flow of my other blog entries because they sit on my scanner waiting for me to continue reading them because I can only really read four to five pages at a time before I'm completely demoralized by the life my choices have led me to living.

It's strange insulting Will Jacobs' writing when I'm sure I was writing stupid super hero shit just like this Injustice League story at the same time. I suppose the difference is that I was 20 years old and not trying to publish my stories through anything but 'zines and Will was 36 and sold this garbage to DC. Perhaps the moral of the story is that I wasn't confident enough in my talent! And also that I wasn't the friend and writing partner of Gerard Jones who was currently working at DC.

The second story is called "Cracked Ice." It's written by J.M. DeMatteis and drawn by Darick Robertson so I'm expecting it to be average at worst. It begins with a double date at a New Age open-air market.

Fire's personality is quickly being reduced to "blow job queen."

Ice probably doesn't actually want to hear the end of Guy's sentence. "It's amazin' the things a man'll stoop to when he's into sucking ice cubes out of a goddess's asshole."

Guy Gardner bullies a guy selling pyramids containing the spirit of an ancient astral guide because nobody ever stops him from using his power ring to be a huge dickbag. How the fuck does Guy get to keep his ring (or his job with the Justice League) after all the bullshit terror acts he commits on regular people he personally despises? Shouldn't the Guardians be monitoring abuses of the universe's most powerful weapon? Or are they too busy fucking Zamorans and scolding Hal Jordan? At the very least, J'onn should fire his ass. Oh wait. J'onn did fire Guy's ass. But only after he turned his vitriol and abuse on one his teammates. Seems like it's okay for Guy to throw citizens around in the air using his ring whenever they espouse an opinion that goes against Guy's beliefs but sucker punch Ted Kord and everybody freaks out. Maybe if y'all had come down on Guy when he was treating regular people like shit he never would have turned on Ted. Besides, Blue Beetle probably needed to get sucker punched. It's all fun and games while Despero is destroying New York right up until Guy Gardner calls you fat, I guess.

Even Fire gets in on the bullying using her powers.

Why did they even come to this New Age fair if none of them believe in this shit?

Oh, right. Tora believes in it. Or she wants to believe in it. Or she will totally believe in it when she's suddenly possessed by the astral spirit guide later which will hopefully kick Guy, Fire, and Oberon's asses for not believing in this bullshit. Look, we all know it's bullshit in our reality. But this is comic books! Stop pretending demons, angels, and Ice Goddesses don't exist! Atheists are the delusional people in the DC Universe.

Hopefully you deconstructed the phrase "Atheists are the delusional people in the DC Universe" so you understand I only said that to not say the thing I didn't say there.

Only kittens and people I'm fucking ever look at me the way Oberon is looking at Guy here. And Oberon is not a kitten.

The spirit in Ice's cracked crystal possesses her, turning her into a huge silver naked lizard lady. Lizards don't have breasts though so even though Ice's lizard form has breasts, it wouldn't make any sense to include the best part: the nipples. Maybe other reasons exist why Darick Robertson didn't draw nipples, probably the same reason he didn't draw any labia.

Editorial probably forced Darick to add the tail so I wouldn't jerk off to this. Not that it's a deal killer.

Luckily my memory sucks so I really have no idea whether or not I masturbated to that panel. But knowing my history of jerking off, well, I mean, there's a good possibility. Also, I didn't mean to suggest that the tail would somehow dissuade me from jerking it to this panel. You should see all of the weird monsters in the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual that I used as porn. I just mean that without the tail, that shot of Ice from that angle would more than do it for me. The only thing better would be if the shot were from behind!

Gross. Enough about my unbelievable sexual history. Is self-gratification included in a person's sexual history? It should be just so it would take more than a Post-it note to archive mine.

Coming along to help the Justice League are two characters from Giffen's Dr. Fate run: some guy and a demon. They have a book that tells them how to defeat every single demon from Hell. They just have to figure out what kind of demon Ice has become by reading the entire book before Ice destroys New York. My guess is that Ice will be saved by somebody chanting the words of the reading Ice received earlier from the channeler whom Fire scared the shit out of. If only the Justice League had remembered that they live in a fantasy comic book world maybe they would have taken the New Age street vendors more seriously.

It turns out I'm wrong! The demon, Petey, from Dr. Fate recognizes Demon Ice's language and talks the demon into leaving Ice and going back to Hell. I sure hope the anonymous commenter from my Justice League International Annual #1 review wasn't reading this. I'd hate for him to get apoplectic about me speculating on where the comic book was going instead of somehow knowing before reading it where it was going because people being ignorant online makes him so fucking angry! I don't hate may people but boy do I hate that dude! I made an erroneous bit of speculation at the beginning of the review which I called myself on for being wrong at the end of the review and this twat gets pissed that I would even speculate on something that I should have already known by reading the solicits for every comic book DC publishes. What a fucking piece of shit wanker! Why would I read solicits and spoil the whole concept of my blog where, as a Grand Master Comic Book Reader, I attempt to (and almost always succeed) at guessing which direction plots are headed! Man, I feel sorry for the friends of that guy!

Holy shit! This moment really should have been in the regular series! Imagine all the cheapskates who missed out on it because they didn't purchase this issue or read the solicits!

The issue ends with several short "Cat Tales" stories about Power Girl's cat. One is about how picky cats are with their food. The other is about how cats break everything when a mouse gets in the house. One is about how dangerous it is to bathe a cat. And the final one ends with the cat falling asleep with its face in a stinky shoe which was the most realistic out of all the cute stories. The cat still doesn't have a name though.

Mr. Bigger's crew obviously didn't know much about cats when they came up with there plan.

Justice League Quarterly #4 Rating: A. Please, this rating surprised the fuck out of me too but I thoroughly enjoyed half of this book. I hear what you're saying: "Shouldn't that mean the comic gets no better than a 'C'?" Maybe if your letter grades aren't entirely arbitrary the way mine are. Plus, this issue was the issue where Guy and Ice officially become a couple! Also it has four stories about Power Girl's cat! And even though they're all based on cartoon premises, they're still pretty true to the nature of cats! I loved them all very much! Plus Darick Robertson drew that pornographic image of Ice as a naked demon! Plus I ripped out the Injustice League story and burned it! So the rating of 'A' only applies to my personal copy.

Justice League Europe #22 (January 1991)

I stole this comic book, just in case.

DC: "Here's a cover with a man putting a gun to a cat's head and threatening to blow its brains out if fans buy the comic book!"
Comics Code Authority: "Approved! Good, traditional, old-fashioned entertainment that everybody can enjoy!"

Fuck the people who think everybody needs their individual approval to live and act a certain way, especially when their "approval" accepts threatening the lives of cats! What the fuck, Comics Code?! I mean, sure, I know nobody is going to harm an actual cat and almost certainly nobody is going to harm even a fictional cat! But that's my point about how useless the Comics Code Authority is! It's a fucking comic book, assholes! If you think it needs to be regulated because you don't want kids seeing disturbing things than you also can't "approve" of a cover where a man has a gun shoved inside a cat's ear and promising to kill the cat if somebody buys the comic book! You're making the reader complicit in violence! I bet the original cover showed the cat's asshole in exquisite detail but the Comics Code Authority was all, "Unh-uh! No way, José! Take it out!" (Also you know they pronounced the "J" in José.)

95% of angry Twitter is just people upset that other people are enjoying their life in a way that they don't think those people should be enjoying their lives. How about spending that time enjoying your life and stop bothering everybody who isn't bothering you at all? Is it because the life you signed up for isn't any fun? Is it because all the things you want to do are frowned upon by other people in your tribe and your pretend God? Why think, "If I can't live that way, nobody should be able to live that way?" Instead think, "Other people are living their lives the way they want, why shouldn't I?!" Free yourselves from your mental shackles, you uptight prigs! Get out there and enjoy yourselves! Unless what you enjoy is pedophilia. Then maybe just keep being angry at the world. Just maybe stop projecting your disgusting desires on everybody else and making YouTube videos explaining how everybody is into pedophilia but you can't explain exactly how you know this (being that "how you know it" is that you're projecting your own terrible desires on everybody else) and instead need to make up insane proofs like the names of wardrobes sold online or the kinds of toppings mentioned on a pizza menu.

Take a look at that cover I scanned one more time. Don't look at the art. Look at the edges. This might be the wonkiest cut comic book that I own. That scan was with the top of the comic book level with the edge of the scanner and the bottom corner shifts at least a quarter of an inch! Maybe I should have stolen a better copy!

Oh! I forgot Gerard Jones wrote this comic book when I mentioned the pedophilia! Ha ha! What a coincidence!

This issue is called "Catnap" because, as we all saw by the cover, Kara's cat is going to be kidnapped and held for ransom. Except we've all read this story (probably even before this comic was published in 1991) where somebody kidnaps somebody, usually a kid, and the victim winds up being way more trouble than the ransom is worth so the kidnappers eventually admit defeat and return the victim, sometimes even paying to make sure the victim is taken back. And being that nobody likes this fucking cat, why would anybody pay a ransom for it?

Okay, Power Girl likes the cat. But that just means the kidnappers are in even bigger trouble because in Kara's hierarchy of actions, Kara punches first, explodes her vagina second, and "paying the ransom" never shows up on her list ever!

The two British guys who stole the cat (still unnamed, I think?) lounge around imagining how many crisps and lagers they're going to buy with their windfall when suddenly they hear a crash from the back room where they've stashed the cat.

I'm sorry. I can't believe two British guys are fans of the Grateful Dead. I also don't believe fans of the Grateful Dead would kidnap a cat.

The closest I ever came to seeing the Dead was this time they were playing at the Shoreline Amphitheater in Mountain View, California, and I stopped by the parking lot to score some LSD. At the time, I didn't understand the concept of a miracle in relation to the Dead so when I saw people walking around with their fingers in a peace sign, I knew it must have been some sort of signal and began doing the same thing! I thought the signal meant, "I need LSD," but it actually meant, "I need tickets to the show." Nobody approached me either way. I eventually noticed two people obviously involved in a drug transaction behind a tent and I walked right up to them, pulled out my money, and asked, "Can I get some acid?" The guy selling really didn't know what to think with this bold maneuver but since I didn't look like a cop, he sold me a couple of hits. I think that's the only time in my life I ever personally bought drugs! At least from a stranger! An ex's sister sold LSD for a bit and I definitely purchased from her.

Kara flips the fuck out when she discovers her cat is being ransomed. Most every other member of the Justice League couldn't give a shit but Rocket Red's son seems concerned so now he's my second favorite member of Justice League Europe (right after Kara, of course. Cat lovers unite!). The two catnappers, oblivious to their imminent beatdowns, consider their next options in garnering the ransom money.

"Why would they even want the cat back?" is a terrible realization to have this deep into your criminal activity.

This story is a good lesson in sunk costs. One of the catnappers is all, "Why don't we just give the cat back? This is getting out of hand!" And the main catnapper is all, "I've already received a broken arm and all of my possessions were destroyed and my room is covered in hairballs. I'm not giving up now!" Those things have already been paid for in the past. He shouldn't be considering them as part of the overall payoff! What he should be thinking is, "Within how many inches of my life will Power Girl beat the shit out of me?" Maybe I'm thinking about this too much like an American! Thanks to the NHS, his broken arm hasn't cost him anything, really! And getting beaten nearly to death also won't cost him anything! So all he sees are pound signs in his eyes from the ransom, even if he has to enjoy it from a hospital bed drinking out of a straw and shitting in a bag taped to his belly. Also, I know he's in a story and he doesn't! So for him, this story can totally work out in his benefit. But I know who the real heroes are and the demeanor of the cat and the violent temper of the heroine, so I see exactly what's about to happen to this poor bloke. Maybe I should be less cynical and try to read my comic books with a fresh and naive perspective. Like when I first read Pet Sematary and only realized Gage was going to die when the family was having the best day ever on a picnic so, so close to the highway.

I would like to point out that I was pretty young when I first read Pet Sematary and not a thirty-four year old who still didn't understand how stories work.

Meanwhile, Mr. Bigger, the guy who wanted Tortolini's notes on the Justice League, takes an interest in the catnapping story. He seems to be running a Super Villain Help Line where villains call in to find information about heroes in their area and how to best avoid them or defeat them. Mr. Bigger seems to think there's an opportunity for his organization in this pet scandal. Maybe he wants to ransom the cat for extra information about the Justice League which he can use for his 1-900 number that all the terrible C-list super villains are using! Well, he's only mentioned Clue Master so far. But he's firmly a C-list character in 1991 so that's enough evidence for me! I don't see Eclipso or Amazo or Starro or any of the other villains whose name ends with an "o" calling! Oh, Despero!

Power Girl insists that Catherine bother Batman about this mystery and Batman, upon learning it is a cat that needs rescuing, hangs up on Catherine. What the fuck is wrong with that asshole?! Would he not spend every resource to save Ace? Or Bat-Cow?! Or Jason Todd?! Doesn't he understand that the most heroic thing a hero can do, so much so that it's the name of the trope, is to rescue a fucking cat?! I always wondered why I hated Batman so much and I bet this comic book was the origin story for that hate! Help save the fucking cat, you piece of shit! You know, if Catwoman hears about this, you're never getting the finger in the butthole as you come treatment ever again!

Okay, fine, I've reconsidered and there's ample evidence that Batman did not use every resource at his disposal to save Jason Todd. But you can't really blame him for that! What control does Batman have over the DC readers, especially that one guy who called hundreds of times to vote "Yes, please, please, please kill Robin"?

What the fuck is Catherine on about?!

Does Catherine think the months are different in the southern hemisphere just because the seasons are flipped?! Or should I say, "Does Gerard Jones think that?!" People like to say they're happy with whatever their kids are reading just as long as they're reading but fuck that nonsense. If everything I learned about the world, I learned from DC Comics, I'd be the biggest fucking dolt on the Internet.

Hey! I heard that! Fuck you!

Mr. Bigger discovers the location of the cat and sends his men to break in, tranquilize the cat, and pay the catnappers 16,000 quid. While that isn't what I predicted would happen at the start, they were ready to just surrender the cat back to the Justice League. They even went so far as to call a local tabloid station to arrange a drop-off, which Crimson Fox, being super powerful in the publishing world, learned about before the television media. So now Mr. Bigger has the cat, the catnappers have their ransom, and the Justice League are off to beat the shit out of whoever drops off a cat at the local tabloid's offices.

Mr. Bigger's plan is to implant a camera and microphone into the eye of the cat so that it can be returned and they can learn all of the Justice League's secrets and also spy on Power Girl changing. Now that live feed would really make Mr. Bigger some cash! If, you know, there was any real semblance of the Internet in 1991. And, um, also if it wasn't a totally gross and problematic idea! Although even if they did have a live stream fed from out of the cat's eye to spy on Power Girl showering and changing, most members would probably lose their boners when the cat stopped watching Power Girl and started licking its butthole. Notice I said "most members"! You know some people would pay premium for that.

Mr. Bigger has the two catnappers drop off the cat so, of course, Power Girl catches them and beats the shit out of them. But they still made their 16,000 pounds! And with the NHS taking care of their bodily injuries for free, they've come out ahead! I guess criminals are sometimes successful, even in a Comics Code Authority approved comic book! Which I think is against their Code so what the fuck, Comics Code Authority?! I'm pretty sure they were just phoning it in by the mid-80s, let alone 1991. Not that I give a shit! Fuck the Comics Code Authority! Just more bullshit where people give in to a minority of thought police simply to keep from having to sit through any more congressional trials about the state of today's youth!

Justice League Europe #22 Rating: B. This issue didn't have the Justice League saving anybody at all but at least it set some future plots into motion with the whole Mr. Bigger and his 1-900 superhero information hotline story and the cat with the camera eye. I'm mostly surprised that the cat doesn't have a name yet. How lazy are these writers?! I think Power Girl was considering names a few issues ago but if she settled on one, I'm sure it would have been used at some point in this issue. Usually my favorite part of any issue is a really nice butt shot of Sue Dibny or Crimson Fox but this time my favorite part was where Catherine thinks the southern hemisphere does months differently. She's so fucking dumb.

Justice League Europe #21 (December 1990)

I was going to critique this cover but I looked up Marshall Rogers, discovered he died in 2007, and now I'm not in the mood. So, um, this is the greatest cover ever!

I should say to myself, "Marshall Rogers did the art in the last issue and I liked it much better than Bart Sears so even if I point out the failings in this cover, it doesn't mean I'm shitting all over Marshall Rogers' art entirely! I complimented him in the last issue for the way he remained true to Bart Sears' versions of the Justice League but he didn't make them look like they were shooting up five kinds of steroids." What's really weird is that I looked up Marshall Rogers to see if he were still alive because I didn't want to hurt his feelings when I shit all over this cover and then I found out he was dead and I couldn't bring myself to shit all over his cover! So now I don't know what my brain expects me to do! How about a personal anecdote?!

Marshall Rogers lived in Fremont, California. That's where my Aunt Lol and Uncle John lived. Their house was the first place I remember going for huge family Christmases. When you walked into their house, just to the right was a conversation pit which was a truly magnificent room that Americans have forgotten about but which still remains the greatest room of any house which has one. By the end of the night, with so many family members opening presents (my great grandmother on my grandmother's side had nine children and all of them and their kids and their kids' kids were at these Christmas Eve celebrations), the house looked exactly like the cover of this comic book (minus the weird guy with the long neck). Also, our Christmases looked about five thousand times better than this.

Last issue ended with the Justice League's French Embassy imploding from one of Kilowog's dangerous contraptions. This resulted in this issue beginning with the news that the Justice League has been transferred to London. That could never happen today because there are these gigantic idiots called Brexiteers who decided to fuck their country in the face based entirely on their xenophobia. Sure, the United Kingdom is still technically part of Europe but they've made the bold stand to strengthen their borders and make it a huge aggravation for their citizens to do any sort of work abroad as well. Why can't old people just die in piece and let young people control the world that's going to be theirs for so much longer? And I'm saying that as a 51-year-old man! Why would I want to limit the freedoms of young people? I don't! I wish people older than fifty couldn't vote or participate in jury selection! Mostly because I'm too lazy and want an excuse to stop doing those things. I mean, I don't do jury duty but I would love to do it, especially if I could help convict a cop! But I'm the only employee of my own service business who works nights and jury duty would absolutely fuck my life and kill my business. But I still dream about helping to put a cop in jail! Oh if only I could have been a resident on that island where they built the Wicker Man every spring!

After getting to page two and seeing Catherine's hair which is way too much like Bart Sears' version of her hair and not at all like last issue Catherine's hair, I notice that the inker of this issue is different than the inker of last issue. Mostly, I ignore how inkers make or break a penciller's work. But I have come to the conclusion, based on this issue's cover and Catherine's hair, that Bob Smith inks Marshall Rogers way better than Joe Rubenstein does. I don't know how it all works or who is improving or hurting whose art. I just know Rogers and Smith is greater than Rogers and Rubenstein.

Inker and Penciller math was always my worst subject in comic book review school.

I don't fucking get it. This isn't anything like the art from last issue. Do pencillers have any control at all?! Should I have been praising inkers all of this time?!

What is this ache in the center of my chest? What are these strange electric impulses firing through my brain? Do I . . . Do I miss Bart Sears' art?! It may have been terrible but at least it felt like a professional doing terrible work. This feels like a 7th grade art student doing their best work (which isn't very good)! How vague are Rogers' pencils if they can be interpreted so differently by two different inkers?! What the fuck is going on?!

I really don't know why I still read comic books.

Max Lord relieves Captain Atom of leadership over Embassy matters and promotes Catherine to the position and putting her job in line with what all the readers assumed was her job already anyway. Captain Atom just leads the team in matters of beating the pulp out of bad guys, a job he's much more suited to. The rest of the team go shopping for new everythings seeing that everything they owned was destroyed in the implosion of the Paris Embassy. And Max Lord is paying the bill!

Kara's bikini having been mentioned last issue, Rogers and Rubenstein decide they needed to draw what that would have looked like.

I've stopped reading the letter pages so I won't have to read comic book fans verbally jerking off to this panel in a month or two.

Is it weird that I'm glad I don't have to read comic book fans verbally jerking off to cheesecake superhero shots when it's practically all I do in my commentaries?! I don't think it's weird because that's the joke! That I'm one of those inappropriately horny comic book nerds who just want as much tits and ass as possible in their comic books. Another joke is when I'm passionately angry about something trivial! Another joke is that I've never had sex! It's all stage magic, man! You know when I write that I want to fuck Lobo? Spoiler alert: I don't really want to fuck Lobo! It's a bit I'm doing! An extremely online character! I'm always amazed when people can't parse the idea that most of what I write is facetious and hyperbolic. But then again, when people treat what I've written as gospel, I don't get upset about it because what was I expecting?! Not to be taken at my word?! That might also be why I have such a tiny audience. Most people are looking for earnest, easily parsed mediocrity. They don't want to read things that make them instantly feel one way and then have to recalibrate their feelings when they discover whatever dumb thing I truly meant! It's also why so many people online get so angry when they've misinterpreted something. Usually they stick to their guns and decide that you're being disingenuous when you point out how they're read something incorrectly. It's why I don't argue on the Internet! I limit my responses to one time clarifications and if the person still wants to argue after that, it's just not worth it. They obviously don't want to communicate at that point; they simply don't want to have been wrong.

I once had somebody on Tumblr ask me if I was okay with sexual assault or domestic violence or something. I responded with, "I am not. If you thought that was what I was saying, read it again but with the realization that I didn't say that. That should fix it." They then responded with the exact thing I wrote which was obviously a critique of Meredith Finch's writing style. So just remember: if I say something you find egregious, I didn't. The problem is all on your end!

French people cuddle baguettes when they sleep.

This issue revolves around all the heroes getting settled in London. Wally goes out to buy a bunch of new clothes using the Justice League expense card for The Flash which means he has to reveal his secret identity to all the haberdashers in London. Blue Jay hangs out with the pigeons in Trafalgar Square. And the Justice League's cat kills some guy's dog.

Good kitty.

In the mid-90s, my cat Smaug beat the shit out of woman's Chihuahua as she walked it past my house. Animal control was called and they were going to take Smaug away to quarantine for a week but, luckily, I was able to vouch for my cat and quarantine him in my room in the basement. He fucking loved it. I'm surprised he didn't attack more dogs more often after realizing he would get 24/7 access to drooling all over me as I tried to sleep. I didn't blame Smaug for attacking a Chihuahua since everybody agrees they look like rats. He was just doing what he was born to do!

If a cat and a dog get into a fight and the cat is killed, it's a tragedy. If the dog is killed, it's a comedy. That's just facts.

See? Captain Atom gets it. So proud of his little kitty!

Silver Sorceress spends her time flirting with Kilowog but he's not interested in her because he doesn't know where to stick his spanner. Blue Jay arrives and begins to flirt with Kilowog as well and now I wish this had developed into a full blown throuple. Throuples existed in the 70s but then Reagan banned them in the 80s, probably because Nancy kept asking to get more dicks into their bedroom and Reagan felt threatened. But then in the 90s, indie rock and Janeane Garofalo movies almost brought throuples back but they were still finding their way so they mostly turned into "one person gets their heart completely broken when the other two people fall in love only with each other but imagine if they'd been open to throupling!"

I feel like the majority of throuples are composed of one person who loves another person so much that they don't complain that the person they love wants to fuck some other hotter person as well. I imagine there's quite a bit of three-way action happening where one person is thinking, "At least I get to fuck the person I love!" while the other two are just passionately going at it like crazy and treating the third person as a large sex toy. I mean, I'm all for people loving and being intimate with more than one other person! Monogamy just seems like such a waste and definitely a kind of prison cell for those who don't think that way. Why are we allowed to passionately hate as many people as we want but we're only supposed to truly love one single person at any one time? I can see monogamy being great for introverts like me because I really don't want to interact with that many other people, especially if it means intimate touching! I don't even want to hug more than one person in my lifetime! But I still think it's rare to find three people who all really do find more positives in being in a throuple than a throuple where one of the members is just barely hanging on for dear life because they so desperately love one of the other members!

Who the fuck is Mitch?!

Oh yeah! Uncle Mitch from Angor! I completely forgot about that asshole! I just assumed he died from his influenza. Uncle Mitch has decided to visit Disney World. He's acting pretty weird about it too.

What does that mean? Is he planning on sticking as much of it as he can up his ass?

What is wrong with that ticket person? Who buys a one-way trip to Orlando to go to Disney World?!

Ever since Captain Atom was relieved of the stress of managing the League, he's simply ignored all of the fires Catherine has had to put out. Kara convinces him to apologize and she buys a gift for him to give to Catherine. The gift turns out to be a négligée. You can practically hear Catherine's underwear getting ruined when she opens it. She kisses Captain Atom on the cheek and expresses how glad she is to see Captain Atom making an advance on her. So of course when she leaves the room, Captain Atom curses Kara and swears revenge for this mean-spirited prank! You know, before this scene, I didn't realize Captain Atom was gay.

The mysterious group who tried to get the Justice League notes from Wally Tortolini a couple of issues back in Justice League America close out this issue by realizing they have to move their operation to London now. Some guy named Mr. Bigger has been plotting some evil scheme against the League in Paris but now they've got to go back to the drawing board and stake out the London Embassy. I guess that means we'll finally be getting another Justice League story that actually involves some bad guys? After The Extremists, Justice League Europe has spent two issues on down time! The only member who has done any fighting is Kara's cat!

Justice League Europe #21 Rating: B. One of my favorite comic books of all-time is Box Office Poison which was many, many issues of pretty much nothing happening except mundane daily life. Oh, sure, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on as a bookstore clerk who thought of himself as a writer becomes bitter and jealous as he watches his friend become successful as an artist. He also ruins his intimate relationship over being an angry jerk as well. Anyway, what that admission is meant to convey is that I can handle reading loads of issues where basically nothing happens. Another great story arc in a comic where pretty much nothing happens: "Guys" from Cerebus. I loved Strangers in Paradise too but Terry Moore obviously thought his audience wanted more than just Francine and Katchoo hanging out which is why he introduced the whole Parker Girls stuff. But seriously, I didn't need all of that action and violence! I was happy reading about Francine and Katchoo hanging out on the couch! Oh, that was another 90s throuple: David, Francie, and Katchoo! Maybe that's where I got the whole idea that one member really would rather not have to share! David was such a miserable, pouty, lovesick puppy for Katchoo! Um, oh yeah, this was an okay issue! Maybe great because a cat killed a dog in it! Ha ha! That video would easily have won $10,000 on that ABC video show!

Justice League Europe #20 (November 1990)

In 1990, at the age of eighteen, I definitely wouldn't have known what the fuck a Beefeater was.

Even now, at 51, I only know they're weirdos who guard the Tower of London and/or the mascot for a Gin company. Back in 1990, I would have had to have gone to a library to find out what a Beefeater was so I remained ignorant because the only thing I was doing at the library was getting a blow job on the grounds late at night during one of Chris Humphrey's parties. I suppose I could have asked the young lady sucking me off, "Hey, what's a Beefeater?" But instead I was just going, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh no." Also, it probably would have sounded like I was telling a rude joke about the woman willing to put my cock in her mouth.

You know what? Forget that story! It makes me sound ignorant! Instead of believing that bullshit, maybe you should believe how awesome I was at borrowing books and then reading them and then quite often returning them! I would get a book and read it and say, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh no." Then I'd clean myself up and totally remember to return the book the next day! But now I have the Internet so I don't borrow books or read them anymore! So instead of wondering why the guards of the Tower of London are called Beefeaters, I can look it up on the Internet, read the first search result I come to, and then assume that's all there is to the story! So here is what the Internet told me about the origins of the name, "Beefeater": British people couldn't pronounce French words which meant "somebody who guards the king's buffet from peasants who aren't willing to eat cake" so they just said, "Beefeater." Yeah, that seems plausible enough that I won't look more into it to find that it's almost certainly not the reason they're called that. I trust my search engines and AI to deliver proper information to me immediately and without any skepticism on my part! And by "proper," I mean any fucking thing that lets me imagine that I just learned an indisputable fact without feeling the need to do actual research!

This cover is cool because it's like the November 1990's Justice League America cover.

Well, I thought it was cool, anyway. And who would know cool better than a guy who does the things I do after hours on library grounds?! Like reading The Hobbit, I mean.

Careful readers would now realize that when I read The Hobbit, my reaction was, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh no." Non-careful readers will now know that because I explained the joke.

This issue begins with the Basil Fawlty emulating head of the London Embassy of Justice League International, Michael, digging up his father's old Battle Staff and Beefeater costume. If the reader believes him, The Beefeater was a hero during World War II. But if the reader believes his wife, The Beefeater was captured early on in the war and only ever used his Battle Staff to win bar bets. Michael doesn't want to listen to his wife because he's a conservative man who will brook no insult against his father or a war hero of his country! Some people find it's easier to believe lies than to open yourself up to the truth. Most of those people are called Twitter Blue users. But this Michael believes Justice League United Kingdom needs at least one active hero in the embassy and if it has to be him (which it doesn't), by God and Queen, he's going to do it! This was written in 1990 so he would think "By God and Queen" instead of what we're supposed to think as of May 6th, 2023, "By God and King!" Although who can actually think of Charles as King and Camilla as Queen? If one didn't realize the monarchy was a silly, outdated waste of everything before this moment, surely they'll see through the illusion now!

Oh, I guess I misunderstood. He's abandoning the UK to go be a part of the Paris team. Well, Brexit will put a stop to this free-movement nonsense in twenty-five years time!

Living in ignorance of the Beefeater threat bearing down their throat, Catherine's tits enjoy the Paris summer sun.

Not pictured here: all the topless men. Especially not pictured here: topless Elongated Man.

Remember how I said there was no Internet in 1990 (I think I said that. Did I? Anyway, it's mostly true! (That "mostly" was for all you Internet Actually Nerds. Fuck off, okay? We're light-hearted and glib here when we're not telling Scott Lobdell to retire at the earliest convenience))? Because of that, this panel of Catherine's nipples would have been desperately needed wank material. Not for me, of course! I'm talking younger kids in 1990. Remember, I was spending all that quality time down at the library and had no need of these perky muffins. Plus I think Metamorpho's scaly skin in the background would keep making me too sick to finish.

The guys are playing topless football which is even more sexy and stimulating than you can imagine.

Nowhere in the rules does it say you can't make a tackle with your penis.

Sue and Catherine and Mrs. Rocket Red are hanging out in the yard sunbathing. Power Girl was probably nixed by editorial after seeing the way Marshall Rogers drew Catherine's nipples. Judging by Power Girl's style, her one piece would probably have a crotch window.

In a page or two, I discover why Power Girl wasn't enjoying the sun with the others. They needed a full page reveal of her tits. I mean suit. It's actually pretty modest!

Let's see Ralph make any tackles with an erect penis!

I'm glad Marshall Rogers was doing art on this issue. I'm actively trying to keep my brain from picturing what this page would look like if left to Bart Sears. I'd forgotten how attractive Power Girl actually was after so many issues with Bart at the helm. I mean, that hair he kept giving her?! It was enough to make me hate the art of Bart Sears! Oh, but anybody reading this knew that. I probably should have come up with something pithy. Enh, I can't be bothered.

You can see Marshall Rogers is doing a competent impression of Kara's hairstyle which Bart Sears had given her. It's basically the same but with far, far less muscles in it. Catherine's hair is the same way. When Bart drew Catherine's head, the hair was 90% of the mass.

The person speaking off-panel was Wally. You can tell because he came so fast.

The Beefeater shows up to apply for a job just as Kilowog puts the finishing touches on an alarm to detect intruders. Kilowog, being an alien, doesn't realize that the embassy shouldn't have an alarm for every single person walking through the front door. Especially one who uses his official Justice League Embassy employee card to unlock the front gate.

I can think of worse ways to die than Power Girl half-naked smashing my skull in. Like Ralph strangling me with his penis.

If you're into guys and not women, just replace the previous caption with this one: "I can think of worse ways to die than Elongated Man strangling me with his penis. Like half-naked Power Girl smashing my skull in." If you're sexually attracted to men and women, I don't have any advice for your caption. Make it up yourself! If you're asexual, you're probably used to being erased so why get on my case about it now?!

Apparently the embassy is soundproof so nobody in the yard hears the alarms or all the traps going off or The Beefeater's peculiar British swearing. I do find it odd that Kilowog set up a system of over-the-top booby traps to murder anybody who sets off the alarm. I assume it will murder regular people or else it's going to be useless against any invader with super powers.

Kilowog uses the most dangerous device he can find to power the security system and The Beefeater manages to crack its case which causes it to self-destruct in a matter of seconds.

At least it didn't take all of France with it.

Um, that's it! Except for one more page of everybody looking angrily at The Beefeater and one more page of Silver Sorceress and Blue Jay wearing too many clothes.

Justice League Europe #20 Rating: A. Yes, nothing happens in this issue. But I like issues where the heroes aren't drawn by Bart Sears and engage in some down time. If I've said the opposite in a previous review, I was probably lying to make a joke because I do like when the heroes do absolutely nothing in almost no clothing. Hmm, maybe it's the fact they were all so naked that made this issue so enjoyable. It's too bad The Beefeater was just a one-issue joke because he'd probably fit in nicely with this team. He packs more power than The Elongated Man! I figure he's a one-issue joke because what artist wants to draw that costume twenty to thirty times per issue?! Certainly not Bart Sears! You can't see a single muscle through it!

Clayface! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Basil Karlo
Occupation: Actor
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: DETECTIVE COMICS #40
Height: 5'11" Weight: 178 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black

HISTORY
A once-famous character actor whose mind became unhinged when one of his classic films was to be remade starring someone else, makeup expert Basil Karlo assumed the role of Clayface, a grotesque maniac he had once played on screen, as a means of murdering those he felt stood between him and regaining his stardom [So sad. We hear this same story out of Hollywood time and time again.].

After slaying two members of the movie cast, Clayface was captured and unmasked by Batman and Robin (see individual listings).

Escaping from Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane (see Arkham Asylum) a year later, Karlo again assumed his Clayface guise and sought vengeance against Batman and Robin, twice threatening their lives before he was once more caught and returned to Arkham, where he lived out the rest of his days in dreams of his former glories.

POWERS & WEAPONS
While possessing no true super-powers, Clayface was nonetheless a superb athlete and fierce hand-to-hand combatant [Don't forget terrific actor!] due to the abnormal strength granted him by his [never having won an Oscar.] insanity [Same thing.].

[Since the identity of The New 52 Clayface is Basil Karlo, I used the Clayface I entry and the Clayface II picture. But I'll add the Clayface II powers and weapons here since those are more like the powers of The New 52 Clayface tacked on to Basil Karlo.]

MORE POWERS & WEAPONS
By bathing himself in the unique protoplasm of an underground pool, Matt Hagen [Read "Basil Karlo!"] was able for 48 hours to transform himself into any shape his mind could conceive, duplicating perfectly the color, texture, and abilities of the replicated item. Hagen's synthesized protoplasm gave him the same powers, though only for a five-hour period, and ultimately had dangerous side effects on his body.

With these awesome [Totally awesome. Radical, maybe.] powers, Hagen has had little need to demonstrate any particular skill at hand-to-hand combat [Because he can just become a gun!].

Deadshot! (as seen in Suicide Squad)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Floyd Lawton
Occupation: Former Millionaire, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None [As you can see from this and the above answers, this Who's Who entry was before he got some serious character development time in Ostrander's Suicide Squad. This entry probably also shows why he was one of the B Villains picked to be in the Squad! Which also shows what a great service a comic book like Suicide Squad and Secret Six can do for marginal characters. Get some great writing on these characters, and they can be great. So stop following characters that you love even when they're written by shitty writers, people. Because every character can be interesting when a really fine writer is pulling the strings.]
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: BATMAN #59
Height: 6'1" Weight: 202 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Brown

HISTORY
Scion of a wealthy Gotham family, Floyd Lawton adopted the guise of Deadshot, a master marksman who posed as a crime-fighter in an attempt to discredit The Batman (see Batman) so that Lawton could ultimately become Gotham's crime boss [Jesus, Lawton. Can you come up with a more convoluted scheme? You're a fucking deadshot sniper. Just shoot the Batbastard in the face and take the fuck over already.].

Exposed and captured by The Batman [Of course!], Lawton spent several years behind bars, devising a new uniform [Because THAT was the problem!] and a battery of high-tech weapons to make Deadshot even deadlier than before [So basically he came out of prison with a roll of toilet paper marked up with theoretical weapon designs and patterns for his new costume?]. Upon his release from prison, Lawton hired out his services as a professional hitman, willing to murder anyone for a fee [Which is, um, the definition of a professional hitman. It feels like somebody is padding their article!]. Deadshot's attempted murders have consistently been thwarted by The Batman [What do you call a thwarted attempted murder? Attempted attempted murder? Maybe just murder because it's like a double negative!], and Deadshot is currently serving time at Gotham State Penitentiary.

POWERS & WEAPONS
An almost inhumanly accurate marksman, Deadshot's colorful costume includes a telescopic infrared sight and a compact wrist-rifle with interchangeable barrels, enabling Deadshot to fire from a high-velocity bullet to a miniature grappling hook [For his dolls. I guess.].

Deadshot is such an extraordinary marksman that he prefers to utilize ricochets and other more challenging shots to accomplish his ends [Well if Batman keeps thwarting his "ends," perhaps it's time to just use the direct approach, asshole.].

The Joker! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Professional Criminal [I guess. Stalking is criminal behaviour.]
Marital Status: Single [But if you don't know his Alter Ego, how can you be sure?]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None [I'd also except "The Bat Family."]
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: BATMAN #1
Height: 6'5" Weight: 192 lbs.
Eyes: Green Hair: Green

HISTORY
Originally, the man who would eventually be known as the Joker was merely a nondescript lab worker, until the day he decided to steal $1,000,000 and then retire back into obscurity [This was his plan before he fell in love.]. To make certain he could never be identified by any of his facial features, the lab worker assumed the identity of the Red Hood, wearing a red cape and tuxedo and a metallic red mask that covered his entire head.

For weeks, the Red Hood looted Gotham City, successfully eluding capture by the police and The Batman (see Batman I, II). Finally, cornered by Batman and the cops while attempting to rob the Monarch Playing Card Company [Known for storing vast amounts of the legendary wealth made from selling playing cards to the many gamblers of Gotham City.], the Red Hood tried to escape by leaping from a catwalk into the catch basin for all the waste chemicals from the plant [Is there a lot of waste due to laminating playing cards?], a basin that emptied out into the nearby Gotham River. Using the breathing apparatus in his mask, the Red Hood swam through the thick of the noxious chemical wastes to freedom.

When the Red Hood arrived home, however, he discovered that he had not emerged from the toxic chemicals unscathed. Apparently, the chemical vapors from the waste had somehow turned his skin chalk white, his lips ruby red, and his hair a vivid shade of green. The shock of this transformation was more than the Red Hood's already unstable mind could bear, and he went over the edge into utter insanity.

Convinced this was some sort of sign, the madman took on a new identity, inspired by the playing card company that had been responsible for his transformation, and became the Clown Prince of Crime, the Harlequin of Hate--the Joker!

Originally a merciless killer who murdered his victims [Mercilessly!] with a venom of his own devising that left their lips pulled back in a rictus, a perverse parody of his own malevolent grin, the Joker quickly became the arch-foe of the Caped Crusader known as The Batman, challenging the Darknight Detective repeatedly to life-and-death battles of wits.

Though the Joker appeared to mellow for a time [Due to the Comics Code Authority.], he has recently returned to his murderous ways, becoming once again the most dangerous madman on the face of the Earth.

POWERS & WEAPONS
An average athlete and hand-to-hand combatant, the Joker is occasionally possessed of almost-superhuman strength while in the heat of battle-madnesss, thus making him more than a match for the physically superior Batman [Aha! So that's the comic book excuse for his abilities! BATTLE-MADNESS!].

The Joker also employs an ever-changing arsenal of weapons that are usually based on practical jokes: his joy-buzzer delivers a lethal electric charge; his trick flower squirts a powerful acid, etc. By far the most dangerous item in the Joker's arsenal is his so-called Joker venom, which can kill in a matter of instants, leaving the victim's lips pulled back in a hideous Joker-like grin. The Joker has employed this venom on rose thorns, on the tips of darts, and on the edges of playing cards that have been razor sharpened [Wow! I didn't know poison could be used on so many things!].