Justice League International #51 (June 1993)

This looks shit, mate.

I don't want to hurt Ron Randall's feelings by defecating, eating my defecation, and then vomiting it back up all over this cover because I've been absolutely satisfied with most of his work on Justice League Europe.. But this cover looks like something some pizza farting weirdo incel would back on Kickstarter after listening to 13 hours of Ethan Van Sciver YouTube rants. I know, I know. It's not that bad and it isn't chock full of half-naked women with watermelon-sized breasts or a cybernetic frog. But it does look like Ron spent about two hours on it while hopped up on Vicodin and Red Bull. The coloring is flat (which might not be his problem but that doesn't change my critique. It just shifts it over to Gene D'Angelo or somebody), the characters all posed roughly the same way (arms out, stumbling down stairs) and the grimaces have caused me to flash back to staring at the New Comics rack in my local comic books store circa the early '90s. I guess this comic was from the early '90s but reading this series didn't mean I wanted to be reminded of existing in that place and time. It just feels so amateurish. Which would be a great excuse for why this was the final Justice League Europe comic I ever bought. But I can't use that excuse. I'm sure 21 year old me would have felt this cover was exciting. My reason for dropping the series was probably way more pathetic, like the change in title, or Crimson Fox's new outfit, or I'd had all I could stand of Hal Jordan, or I was spending more and more of my comic book money on Vertigo books. I say probably because I can't remember any of the dumb shit I was thinking at 21, except maybe, "I want to fuck Lobo so hard."

Whatever the reasons, Justice League International #51 was the end of the road for me and the European crew. Hopefully the reason was that I was getting laid regularly by this point in my life and just forgot all about picking up this book, especially with the name change. I kept picking up Justice League America for about another ten months which really boggles my mind. Why one and not the other? If I were offered the opportunity to time travel right now, I just might waste it on going back and asking my younger self why he stopped picking up this title. Except that might cause some kind of catastrophic paradox where younger me would be all, "What? Oh! I just forgot about it! I'd better go get the issues I missed and keep buying it!" Then I'd return to the present with even more shitty Justice League International books added to my re-read stack. Good thing time travel doesn't exist! I just dodged that bullet and also the bullet where I'd cause a paradox by having sex with my grandmother.

This issue begins with Sue Dibny being just as adorkable as usual. That's adorable while also being a complete dork. The definition of dork is "somebody who wears a nerdy hat." The definition of adorable is "somebody who can pull off wearing a nerdy hat." You usually see the first definition all over the place at Magic the Gathering tournaments but you never, ever see the second one there.

As far as Disneyland rides go, this isn't the worst.

The worst Disneyland ride is obviously the Teacups. Pointless and vomit inducing. I'd rather fly in the tiny Dumbo cars or listen to the foreign children sing happily. As a kid of the '70s, those were your main choices, along with the dark rides like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Peter Pan, and Alice in Wonderland. That's because your parents weren't about to spend their hard earned cash on an E Ticket for you when you were probably too small to go on any roller coasters anyway. Those fucking teacups, man. How many times did I get hornswoggled into going in those when I would have been more than happy to go to Hell with Mr. Toad again.

Justice League International aren't actually in Disney if you actually thought that I was being serious for one actual minute, actually. They're in Xochimilco, Mexico, for some kind of international security summit but they seem to be mostly doing tourist stuff. Sue decided to go on the "Get Pulled Under the Water by a Bunch of Ancient Aztec Ghosts" boat ride. I like how annoyed the woman next to Sue looks. "Can't that nerd get kidnapped by ancient underwater zombies a little more quieter? I'm trying to have a romantic boat ride here!"

Ralph freaks out for a few pages wondering where Sue is before he finds a ransom letter back in the hotel room. To get Sue back, Justice League Europe must go to a specified location. That's about it. So the plan is for Justice League Europe to head into Sue's kidnapper's trap while the members of Justice League International hang back and scope out the situation. That's Maya, Tasmanian Devil, and probably Metamorpho. The location turns out to be some modern ancient pyramids full of half-naked dudes in loin cloths.

Sue's cell structure was modified to interact with her cell's structure.

Sue has lost her cute little hat and Power Girl is wearing a thermal underneath her outfit. In the jungle! Maybe it's a sign of the trauma she's experiencing from her intimate encounter with Hal Jordan. He forgot they fucked because he had amnesia when they fucked which is totally how amnesia works. So she's trying to cover up as much as possible, feeling insecure and used. Or the colorist just fucked up.

The person who kidnapped Sue claims to be Montezuma the 189th. Do you think Gerard Jones did the generational math on that? I was ready to believe it but then I looked up Montezuma II and when he ruled and it was the 16th Century! How the fuck do you get 187 more generations in about 500 years? That's fucking crazy, man. The Justice League should have smelled a rat immediately! Instead, they take him at his word that he's trying to peacefully and politically return Mexico to the Aztec people. But his guards are off sneaking about and discussing how Montezuma is actually up to no good! Ralph is the guy who solves mysteries so let's hope he's all, "Wait. The 189th Montezuma? How the fuck does that math work?!"

Little do the guards know that they're revealing all of their plans right in front of Metamorpho who was pretending to be a wall with a big dumb face on it. Rex decides that's enough sneaking about even if it puts Sue in harm's way because Montezuma the 189th's plan is to nuke Mexico City. I don't know how nuking Mexico City will bring back the old Aztec Gods but then I grew up areligious. I don't understand how any of that shit works. Aside from that none of it actually does work. Montezuma the 189th is just another deluded fool who believes faith is actually some kind of righteous attribute rather than a tool to manipulate and control.

The team begin to scour the city looking for where the nuclear bomb is hidden before it goes off. They decide it's probably been planted in a building that symbolizes the European conquest of the region and begin splitting up to search various sites that match that description. Although they forgot the site that Maya mentioned earlier out of the blue, interrupting Ralph just to point it out. I was wondering why the fuck she did that! It's like a thriller where they introduce the killer sometime in the first half of the movie but just in passing so you don't really notice him but later, when he's revealed, the writer and director can be all, "We played fair! The killer was part of the cast, see?!"

Later when they're discussing where the bomb might be, this church is just sitting there like a non-red herring in the background stinking up the narrative.


"Do you think we should have listened to that nonsense Maya and Ralph were discussing earlier? Nah! Fuck those jerks!"

Dropping clues like this was the kind of thing DC's writers did in that 12 issue Maxi-series, DC Challenge, where a new creative team took over the story after each issue and was supposed to continue the story and follow the clues left by previous writers. But they never did figure them out from month to month. I remember one clue was a number 517713 173 which flipped and turned into letters was Eli Ellis, exposing some guy as the culprit or something. The clue was so obvious that even I noticed it! Just like I noticed this church clue! So while it seems hilariously obvious, it's actually pretty good, based on how terrible DC's writers are at figuring shit out. I know nobody had to "figure out" Jones and Jacobs' clues! I was just pointing out that it reminded me of DC Challenge.

Ralph, Taz, and Maya find Sue and carry her out in her cell which they can't open because its structure is tied to her cell structure. Rex figures out the clue and tells the others that the bomb is probably hidden in the church. Wally finds it and Tasmanian Devil risks everybody's life by convincing them he knows how to deal with it when he really just guesses at defusing it. That means that in an infinite amount of parallel universes minus one (this one), the nuclear bomb blows up the Justice League and Mexico City. Good work, Justice League!

At the celebration later, Kara, who has been getting sick regularly, gets sick smelling food. So I guess she's pregnant with Hal Jordan and/or Arthur Curry's baby/babies. Everybody also learns that they have more countries to visit to let everybody across the world know Justice League International is in business. And since these Aztecs weren't really Aztecs but some highly technological gang, probably Intergang, that means the Justice League will be facing more threats all over the world. But luckily I don't have to read about those threats because this is my final issue of Justice League Europe! Yay!

Justice League International #51 Rating: C. So this is what it feels like to read a comic book story that begins and concludes in one issue. Yes, I know that it technically has more parts to this story as Intergang (or whomever) fuck with the Justice League all across the world. But in this one, they went to Mexico, Sue got kidnapped, they found her, they were threatened as a distracting ploy, they stopped the real plot, and they all had a nice dinner in celebration. That feeling, the one of reading a complete story, was not a good one. Every bit seemed too contrived or rushed. And what was with the veneer of an Aztec plot wallpapered over some plot about high-tech baddies trying to blow up Mexico City for no logical reason? Blowing up Mexico City makes sense if the Aztec plot isn't just a means to conceal the bad guys' real plan. But since they have another plan and they don't mean to take back Mexico for the Aztecs and bring back the Aztec Gods, what are they destroying Mexico City for? To rob all the banks? They don't need money if they have the means to build a whole technological Aztec pyramidal landscape and purchase a small nuclear bomb. And they're not just trying to get the Justice League to go back to Europe since that was just part of the distraction? I guess if I read the following issues, I'd come to understand Intergang's plan. Also I don't know if it's Intergang but if not, it's some other DC clone of Intergang. I understand why I never picked up Justice League International #52 now. Maybe. I've read worse issues and still picked up the next issue. So who the fuck will ever know until I can get my hands on that time machine.

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Justice League Europe #50 (May 1993)

This cover got clowns thinking Sonar's as powerful as Galactus.

You'd think the final battle against Sonar would last about five pages but this thick monster is a hefty 50 pages. That probably includes advertisements because comic book publishers will tell any rank lie to increase the cover price of their comic book. Like "50 pages!" or "New Baxter paper!" or "Superman dies forever!" Like a cheap bastard, I just counted the pages and it turns out this comic book is 54 pages, not including adverts. So that's like 8% more comic book than I expected! I don't know if I can handle this.

Guessing that this milestone double-sized issue might very well be a lot of people's introduction to the comic book, Sonar gives a synopsis of how he's practically defeated the entire eastern world so far. I'd scan the pages but I don't think Blogger would take too kindly of a double-page spread of Sonar sucking his own dick.

Sure, Sonar triumphed over Russia and the Rocket Reds and Justice League Europe and the Justice League Reserves and the Justice Society. But his greatest accomplishment was getting Sue Dibny to lie to his face about how much she loves him.

Dude, fuck your voice analyzers. If you haven't busted a nut in her yet, she's manipulating you!

I guess this is one of those flaws of hubris that so many literary characters suffer from. He's so up his own ass that he doesn't realize Sue's playing him. Although I do admire when he just spills all the tea on himself with a frustrated "I don't know what women want!" If Sue did bang him to gain his trust, she definitely didn't enjoy it. You know Sonar hasn't even bothered making a sonic vibrator.

Hal Jordan and Power Girl have taken refuge in the old Soviet party headquarters where Power Girl, turned on by Hal's amnesia, tries to kiss him. But before he can ask, "Am I straight?", the wall blows inward and they're knocked to the ground. If this were a cartoon, Hal would instantly have gotten his memory back from the concussive blast. But sadly, this is reality.

No wait. Yep, that's right. Just remembered. Comics are closer to cartoons.

Green Lantern doesn't actually remember who he is from a reverse knock on the head. He just decides to believe Power Girl and be Green Lantern. He's really bad at being Green Lantern though and Sonar nearly kills him. But Power Girl knocks the entire building down around them to keep Sonar from knocking the entire building down around them but in a dangerous way. Power Girl's way is also dangerous but it gives her time to jump on top of Green Lantern and remind him how to have sex.

I wonder what he's concentrating on?! I can't wait to find out some day!

If you were terrible at sex and then got amnesia, do you think you could maybe wind up being good at sex because you forgot all of the stuff that made you so bad at it, like how picturing some naked boobies makes your baby goo rocket immediately out of your man piston? If you forgot about all the things that made you a one pump chump, maybe you could get off two or three pumps before you remembered how awesome all that stuff was!

Green Lantern makes a protective bubble around him and Power Girl so that Sonar can hover outside it making innuendos. Is "If I just keep pounding and pounding" an innuendo? Or is that just right there on front street sex talk?

Inside the bubble, Power Girl decides to take another shot at getting Hal's business all up inside her business.

Here's hoping Green Lantern remembers where his penis goes.

While the super sex happens, Justice League America arrives in Russia. The first enemies they encounter are the Global Guardians. They've defeated them about eighteen times already so this should be a piece of cake, especially since Crimson Fox has promised to suck off the Olympian if he fights against his team. And then there's the double splash page that I can't scan because my scanner is too small. If you could see it, you'd think, "They're fighting way more than the Global Guardians, you idiot." And, yes, that's true! They're fighting all of the enemies revealed at the end of the last issue. But it's not like adding Copperhead, Baron Bedlam, the Injustice Society, and the Royal Flush Gang add much more power on top of the Global Guardians. And with Sonar leading them all? Truly, it's a cavalcade of C-list characters.

I've been reading comic books for way too long and/or been way too horny for far too long.

My first thought was, "Oh my! Whose ass is this?!"


Luckily before I pulled out my dick, I realized it was Multi-man's head.

Crimson Fox wades into the battle bottomless and I've never loved a hero more. Move aside, Lobo! Crimson Fox's butthole has my heart now!

While the battle to save a small and insignificant part of the world rages on, Elongated Man pouts his way to the airport to fly back to the United States. He truly believes Sue has left him for Sonar and even though we all know it's not true (we meaning everybody except Ralph and Sonar), he really should get packing. Sue's way too good for Ralph! But in the end, Sue passes along some clue that makes him realize she's just pretending to fuck Sonar. Ralph Dibny realizing he doesn't have to walk away from his marriage with Sue is the most disappointing thing I've ever read in a comic book since that time Crimson Fox didn't actually show her butthole in battle and I had to lie about it to actually feel something.

The Olympian, also desperate for a crack at that butthole, turns on his comrades and begins fighting on the side of the Justice League. And then Godiva switches sides! I guess she got a whiff of that fox sphincter too! Crimson Fox bottomless in battle might be the most powerful character in the DC Universe! Her pheromones are just flying free all over the battle field! Man, I wish this were a Scratch-n-Sniff issue.

While Justice League Europe could barely handle Sonar and a handful of Rocket Reds, Justice League America swoops in and takes out Eurocrime, the Global Guardians, the Royal Flush Gang, the Injustice League, and Copperhead. Although I'm not sure why the Injustice League are battling the Justice League yet again. I guess they were dropped from the payroll when Superman took over and they had to take this job to make rent.

With fight nearly over, and the Justice League triumphant, Baron Bedlam runs off to tell Plan B to cause a huge disaster. Plan B is Major Disaster. He creates a huge lightning strike from the sky which somehow covers for everybody escaping in an instant? I don't know how that works but that's okay because this is a comic book with its own mysterious laws of the universe. The only combatants who don't escape are the Global Guardians. They've sniffed so much Crimson Fox butthole that they've effectively switched sides.

Oh yeah, Little Mermaid somehow isn't dead either. She explains that it was her evil twin that was killed. Okay, comic books. That's enough dumb bullshit what with the lightning teleport and the evil twin explanation. What's next? Nightwing driving a motorcycle straight up the side of a skyscraper? Ha ha! Can you imagine?! Well you don't have to! Just read Batman and Robin Eternal #1!

The Flash suggests Crimson Fox should fight naked more often and it's only then that she realizes she's exposed her face to everybody. Half of them recognize her as the president of Revson Cosmetics and she's all, "What? No! Zut alors! I am ze different person!" But nobody buys it even though they know Constance D'aramis can speak fluent English.

While things go poorly for Sonar's allies, he seems to be doing just fine against some really powerful heroes.

No heartbeats? Welp, they must be dead! Can't figure out how this could be a trick at all.

Sonar is really trusting. First he believes Sue will actually touch his dick. And now he believes he, a C-list nobody with the power to eavesdrop on people at great distances, has killed Green Lantern and Power Girl. This guy really is fucking delusional.

Back in Moscow, Mister Miracle escapes because that's what he does. And since what he does is basically a magic trick, it would be wrong for the comic book to explain how he does it. He also frees Aquaman who couldn't break out of his manacles for some reason. I guess Gerard Jones forgot that Aquaman has a few more positive qualities besides talking to fish and sexually satisfying dolphins, like super strength and invulnerability from living in the high pressures under the ocean. He was probably just waiting for the right time to escape when Mister Miracle wandered in and was all, "I can free you easy!" Then Scott pulled a ring of keys out of his asshole and unlocked Aquaman's chains. Whoops! I spoiled the trick! I guess I'll never be asked to join the Magic Castle

The Justice League arrive in Moscow too late to stop the rest Sonar from brainwashing the Justice Society and the Justice League Reserves. So it's the second big brawl of the comic. What a special 50th Issue!

Alan Scott transports his friends in a massive yoni.

I would expect Atom to match up with Wonder Woman but instead she battles Tasmanian Devil. That's probably to give him some cred since he's totally underappreciated. He should be way more popular though since he's basically an Australian werewolf. Atom battles Thunderlord. Bushmaster and Impala battle Jay Garrick. Fire battles Metamorpho. Guy Gardner battles Alan Scott. Booster Gold battles Doctor Mid-Nite. Agent Liberty battles General Glory. Wildcat battles Maxima. And The Huntress whangs crossbow bolts at random. But truly, there's only one battle that I'm interested in.

This may surprise you but I've never had the opportunity to fight a woman wearing no bottoms before.

Chandi Gupta witnesses all of the non-brainwashed heroes getting their asses handed to them (some without any clothes on) and she grows increasingly ashamed at merely watching the spectacle. Why the Justice League brought along a thirteen year old girl to what amounts to a small international war I can't guess. She could have remained in the castle with the living suit of armor and the cat, couldn't she? Just because she can create a bow out of thin air doesn't mean she should be put in harm's way? Does everybody live by the Batman code? "If there's grass on the playing field, they're old enough to get crowbarred in the head by The Joker?" "Batman's Code" is probably less crude and more general but I think you get what I'm saying.

Anyway, Chandi turns into Maya and saves the fucking day.

Please, Wonder Woman. You got lucky. It could just as easily become a "You rode a 13-year-old girl straight to her grave. And the rest of us, straight to Hell" situation.

Sonar arrives with reinforcements but since those reinforcements are the Injustice League, Baron Bedlam, the Royal Flush Gang, Eurocrime, and a handful of Rocket Reds in old Soviet armor, he's quickly knocked on his ass by The Flash as Guy Gardner's power ring de-brainwashes everybody. Guy didn't think to do that himself. That was an Aquaman plan.

Green Lantern, Power Girl, and Doctor Light show up to act like they're the big saviors but the fight is practically over by then. Green Lantern gives a big speech about how they fooled Sonar into thinking they were dead and I realize there's something to be said for the mystery of Mister Miracle's escapes, the dignity of just performing your tricks and getting on with your life. Hal just stands around bragging giving Sonar time to reveal he's about to trigger a bunch of old Soviet nuclear missiles with a simple sound.

"No" seems like an awfully unsafe trigger word for launching nuclear missiles.

Oh wait. The "No!!" isn't the trigger word; it's his reaction to discovering Sue sabotaged his trigger mechanism. Sue and Ralph arrive just in time to explain that to Sonar and the readers. Then Ralph explains how Sue clued him in that she wasn't really in love with Sonar. Once again, I'm wishing everybody had the dignity of Mister Miracle. Ralph, being the worst character in the group, gets to give Sonar his knockout punch by amplifying the resonance of Sonar's attack and using it to fuel the right hook. And that's the end because everybody else gives up once they've been brain-re-washed and threatened by Tasmanian Devil.

Now can somebody please get this lady some pants?

If I were Metamorpho, I would just turn into some slacks and slap myself on Crimson Fox's lower half. I'm pretty sure he's got her consent since they've been fucking and all.

The team flies back home to London in a Modoran sonic jet, given to them freely by the thankful Modoran people. Power Girl excitedly sweeps up her cat in her arms (still not named, I guess? Maybe it was named in a Justice League Quarterly that I'm avoiding reading) and Crimson Fox, after hours of travel, still doesn't have any pants. What the fuck is wrong with these people? There are three fucking Green Lanterns in the group that could at least make her some green or yellow slacks.

The issue ends with Aquaman resigning (I think his limited telepathy allowed him to read Power Girl's mind and find she has moved on to Hal Jordan. But that's just my theory!), the suit of armor having disappeared, three new heroes joining (Metamorpho, Tasmanian Devil, and Maya), and Crimson Fox finally getting some pants. As well as a whole new suit, actually. It's a lot like the old suit but with her real hair hanging out of the head piece instead of a gigantic fox tail. Oh, and they're also given the go-ahead to be a wider ranger group. No longer will they be Justice League Europe! They're back to Justice League International!

Justice League Europe #50 Rating: B. These extra length books are always a bit too long for me (which is why I'm avoiding all of my Justice League Quarterly issues) although this one never felt like it was padding the extra pages. It actually felt like it packed too much in and had to shorten bits. The two fight scenes barely touched on the battle having so many combatants. Most of it was relegated to a few background brawl shots. Anybody who read all the words I wrote already knows my favorite part: Crimson Fox running around half-naked in the Russian snow. It was just so fucking ridiculous and, somehow, adorable. Plus Kara being reunited with her cat was slightly emotional. That might be because today marks the fifth year since the death of my sweet little Pelafina (which means ten years since I lost the love of my life, my precious little Judas kitty).

Pelafina is the precious little black thing being hugged by Moose with Toast joining in. This was many, many years ago (over 20?!) when she was staying with our neighbors while we traveled out of state (Judas got to go on the road trip, being her older brother/mother).

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Justice League Europe #49 (April 1993)

Just in case readers forgot this was a battle against Russia, Randall added some penis-looking onion domes in the background.

I don't mean the onion domes literally look like a penis. I've seen penises before and if I saw one that looked like that, after I'd sucked it, I'd be all, "You need to get this thing checked out and thanks for dinner." Adding those onion domed towers is to a story that takes place in Russia as the Eifel Tower is to a story that takes place in Paris. That's just basic comic book math. Comic book math is to comic books as analogies are to the SATS, in case you were confused.

Hopefully Power Girl has such control of her power levels (which I assume she does, being that it's right there in her name) that she can manage to punch a helmet to smithereens right off a Russian's face without severely maiming the Russian wearing it. Unless she just doesn't give a shit that these dudes have been brainwashed by Sonar and they don't really want to be invading other countries and killing innocent people. According to Billy Joel, they just want to make children laugh. According to Sting, they may or may not love those children.

The comic opens with the ghost who has been unliving in the Justice League's new castle headquarters (because when he was alive, he lived in it. And owned it) discovering that he is a ghost and his consciousness transported to some future which he can hardly comprehend. I can't see how an incorporeal man in an ancient armor suit who's startled by every electronic beep he hears or moving metal object bigger than a badger will be any help to Justice League Europe but I'm assuming he's part of the team now. His first job is to alert Justice League America that Justice League Europe and the Justice League Reserves have all been defeated by Sonar. Luckily he doesn't know how embarrassing that revelation is, so he should have no problem delivering the news.

Kara's cat returns to team up with Ghost Knight (after he insults it in fifteen different Shakespearian ways).

Was every knight of England this fucking dramatic?

I don't remember every knight in the movie Excalibur speechifying like this. Then again, all I really remember about that movie are the dozens of uncovered boobies. I watched it when I was like twelve! If there was an exposed nipple on the screen at that age, it was all I was concentrating on. I've grown up now. Now I can also concentrate on naked asses if they're sharing screen time with the nipple. I love to believe we're all capable of that kind of growth. It's called maturity.

With everybody else brainwashed, lost, defeated by Rocket Reds, or stuck in some bureaucratic meeting under the sea, Power Girl is the only non-ghost member of the Justice League left to battle Sonar. Which mature readers would have learned from the cover. I only mention it again because the scene shifted from Kara's cat's team up with a ghost to Power Girl flying into Mosco intent on causing an international crisis. I'm not going to scan that moment because it looks exactly like the cover. No wait. I just looked at the cover again and remembered Power Girl was murdering Rocket Reds while she's just flying peacefully in the panel. I guess I'm not as mature as I thought since I figured both the cover and this panel show a ton of Power Girl's cleavage and therefore they were identical.

The Russians on the street argue over which side they want to come out on top: Sonar who seems to be helping feed everybody or the American superhero with the huge American tits because, well, I mentioned the tits, right?

How did they know Hal was an American? He's not wearing jeans or singing a Beatles song.

It's weird that the one guy thinks America has been shipping its homeless to Russia. Not that I can't see America doing that! Spending millions of dollars to kidnap American citizens the general population find irritating to ship them out of the country instead of spending millions of dollars on economic safety nets and social programs that help people. I guess it isn't so weird being that I just admitted that I could see our government doing that. But it's still weird that he instantly recognized Hal as an American without first hearing him talk or showing off the wad of cash in his pocket.

Hal suffers from amnesia caused by The Flash's supersonic yellow foot connecting with his unprotected head. After that, I suppose Hal's ring teleported him to the safest place it knew: underneath some stairs in the freezing cold in Moscow. Maybe the ring knew Power Girl would be flying by soon and Hal would recognize her. When he does, the ring senses his wishes to communicate with her and flies him to her. Not realizing he can fly, Hal probably shits himself.

Since Hal isn't allowed to fight alongside Power Girl because the cover said Power Girl fights alone, Hal's ring teleports them somewhere to discuss who the fuck Hal is and what they should do once Hal remembers.

Back in Modora, Elongated Man wakes up for three seconds and manages to hear a nearby Rocket Red detail Sonar's entire plan to some other guy. So Elongated Man, being instantly caught up on what's happening, puts on his stretchy pants and wades out into battle too. It's starting to feel like Power Girl isn't going to be fighting alone for long. I think maybe her fight already happened even though she didn't actually fight anybody. She just got blasted by a bunch of Rocket Reds, fell into Hal's arms, and disappeared.

Elongated Man arrives in Moscow just in time to see Aquaman immediately get his ass kicked after saying, "I'm on a diplomatic mission." Isn't there some law against arresting diplomats? Didn't I learn that from Lethal Weapon 2? Or was I supposed to learn the opposite lesson? That you can commit any kind of violence you want to a diplomat if you're crazy enough?

Doctor Light intercepts Elongated Man, pretending to not be brainwashed by Sonar, and leads him into a trap.

Look out, Ralph! There's one empty space! Who do you think that's for?!

DC should have released this Sonar superhero restraint machine as a sturdy carrying case of their Super Power action figure line (with an extra compartment to shove Hawkman, of course).

Normally I'd wonder how Sonar and the Rocket Reds managed to capture these heroes, many of whom have greater powers than Sonar and the whole Rocket Red Brigade combined. But The Flash helped catch them and this is one of those things in the DC Universe that I harp on all the time: The Flash should be the most powerful hero on Earth. Even together, none of these heroes could stand up to a guy who can just go so fast everybody would basically be in stasis. Except Jay Garrick, of course. But he's old and you can't expect his reaction times to be anywhere near Wally's.

Finding the Justice Society and Justice League Reserves captured isn't the most surprising thing Ralph's twitchy nose has led him to. He also learns that Sue Dibny has left him for Sonar!

Some people might think she's faking or under mind control. But I like to believe she's finally realized Ralph is a disgusting monster with a weird dick.

Even if Sue is faking to help bring down Sonar, she had to have fucked him, right? No way he instantly trusts her this much without a little proof in her pudding.

Justice League America arrives via the teleporter in the Justice League Europe's castle. The team is composed of Wonder Woman, Maxima, Guy Gardner, Agent Liberty, Bloodwynd, Fire, and Booster Gold. Did Gerard Jones and Ron Randall not get the memo that Booster Gold and Fire had lost their powers? Or did they just suit up because they needed something to do and heading over to London isn't exactly dangerous. They discover The Flash still trying to recover from his mind control. They soon learn from The Flash and from the traitorous tailor that Sonar is behind it all.

Guy's speech might sound familiar here because it's what I've been saying through this entire story arc.

Fire poses like she knows Agent Liberty is staring at her ass in that panel. But then maybe that's the only reason she's here? To look good? She certainly can't turn into flame anymore for some reason. Maybe this story takes place after the "Destiny's Hand" story arc where Fire gets her powers back, Booster fixes his suit, and Black Condor has long ago fled back into the Pine Barrens.

Well, I guess Fire's fine now. But Bloodwynd specifically mentions that Booster has lost his technology. He's their emotional support hero.

I only have two more issues left before I stopped reading Justice League Europe back in 1993 and this might be why. Why keep reading both comics when Justice League America has to come over to this comic to save the day? Might as well just read the book with the real heroes in it!

Crimson Fox shows back up after ditching her suit, having realized Sonar's tailor had put listening devices in them all. "That means she's running around naked," you're probably thinking while logging in to the Mile High Comics website to look for some back issues of this comic book. But she isn't. She's got a jacket on that somehow covers everything. I mean, you can tell it isn't covering her ass when she's facing the reader. But it seems to cover her ass when she's not facing the reader. It's the most magical jacket I've ever seen and I hate it.

She stumbles upon Sonar meeting up with a bunch of hired mercenaries who are willing to help him take over all of Russia and its former Soviet Republics. I don't know why they're meeting out in the wilderness. Probably so Crimson Fox could stumble upon them!

Weren't Eurocrime defeated by Ralph and Sue Dibny? Why would you ever give them a second chance?

Justice League Europe #49 Rating: B. If you bought this comic book in 1993 because you were excited to see Power Girl fight alone, you were left severely blue-balled. Also, young people on tumblr, being blue-balled is an actual thing that can cause nausea, pain, and intense discomfort. But it is never an excuse for a guy to pressure somebody into a sexual act! They probably have at least one hand! They can take care of themselves! Also, once you wind up blue-balled, I don't think an orgasm really helps. I mean, it still feels good! But you're still going to feel the sick effects of the blue balls. I haven't had enough experience with blue balls but they seem to be pretty rare. You don't automatically get blue balls because your dick has been hard for an extended period without ending up in an orgasm. If that were the case, do you think Sting would be so into that Tantric shit? He'd be the most blue-balled man that ever lived! Or maybe he's into nausea, pain, and discomfort? Maybe that's how that sicko gets off! So that's my rating! This comic book somehow made me think of blue balls. Maybe it was all the near ass and poonanny shots of Crimson Fox in her magic jacket! Ow my lower tummy hurts!

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Justice League Europe #48 (March 1993)

Even with (perhaps especially because of) Super Speed, I would not choose to punch a man in power armor in the helmet.

The focal point of this cover is Alan Scott's groin. Other less crotch-obsessed people might suggest the focal point is some other part of the cover, like Alan's head or the Rocket Red's helmet. But Alan Scott's groin, being surrounded by the only negative space that isn't the sky around the title, stands out far more than anything else. Perhaps Ron Randall wanted us to take particular note of Alan's package. Or maybe Ron did it to distract from the fact he forgot that Alan Scott wears, and often utilizes, a power ring. Although if that were Ron's reasoning, he probably would have just drawn the ring on Scott's finger at that point.

The issue begins with Sonar hovering over Russia describing the problems of all the people he can hear. He calls himself "The Master of Sound," as if eavesdropping on a bunch of people just living their life is some kind of over-the-top superpower. He thinks he's a major villain because he has Superman's least useful skill? This asshole will probably wind up being defeated by a kid with a trumpet.

Sonar goes on to brag how all of his technology does the work of sifting through the various noises for specific human voices and discarding the rest. So I guess a kid blasting a trumpet as loud as he can right in Sonar's face will just never reach Sonar's attention? Apparently Sonar doesn't even have the least useful of Superman's skills anyway. His whole "Master of Sound" thing is a result of technology he's created. So, sure, he's the master of making technology which can make somebody the Master of Sound. But that also means The Atom can shrink down, pull a few wires in his suit, and cause him to go deaf. But The Atom is currently over in Justice League America genociding the Chinese. So maybe Metamorpho or Elongated Man will have to squeeze into Sonar's suit to short it out.

Okay, maybe just Metamorpho.

I used to think that if Sue Dibny were a real person, I wouldn't stand a chance with her. But now that I've seen she wears high-waisted, belted and cuffed jean shorts with long socks, she might be exactly in my league.

Sonar's trying to get into Susan's undergarments by pointing out how lame her husband is and how awesome he is. Why do guys spend so much time trying to convince women who obviously loathe them that they're somehow the perfect partner for them? If men are so logical, why do they think women would be into exactly the sort of person they're definitely not into?

How can this man be the Master of Sound if he can't even appreciate Rubber Soul?

Looking at Sue Dibny's outfit as she fends off Sonar's mediocre incel advances, I just realized why I think she's so super cute. This comic book came out in 1992! This is what all the women in my high school class were basically wearing in 1989. I'm not in love with Sue Dibny! I'm in love with my lost youth!

Sonar, getting nowhere with bragging about himself and shitting all over Ralph, tries a different tactic: pity! He's all, "I am the man you see before you because of the...the...the silence of my childhood!" He throws one arm over his forehead and glances askance at Sue who, seeing the shadow of a poor, lost child, makes a huge mistake and shows interest in the pain of his past. Later, when she turns Sonar down again, he'll probably invoke this moment and be all, "Why'd you lead me on by acting like you wanted to fuck me by listening to me?!"

Sonar blathers on about his origin. How his parents were deaf which meant they were spawns of Satan in Modoran culture, and he an idiot spawn of the spawn of Satan. Since silence was his pain and punishment, he studied the technology of sound, so he could use it to prove he was smarter than everybody else on the Internet. I mean in the world. Eventually, after Green Lantern spanked him publicly multiple times, he returned to Modora to overthrow its dictator and become a new dictator. But a better dictator! One with science behind him!

Sue Dibny is not impressed and Ron Randall draws an expression on her face that I'm fairly certain means "My butthole has never been shut tighter."

Ain't no science in the world loosening that sphincter.

Some people might quibble with me as to what that expression on Sue's face actually means but I doubt anybody has as much experience as I do at seeing the moment a woman thinks, "No way this guy gets anywhere near my butthole."

Sonar flies off when he gets exasperated with Sue's rejections and also because the scene had already gone on for eight pages of exposition and really needed a reason to end. Mostly so readers could find out what's happening with the Justice Society! They aren't being drawn by Ron Randall in this issue. Instead, they're drawn by Mike Parobeck, artist of the Justice Society comic book that was running concurrently to this one.

First thing on the JSA's itinerary is to extract Doctor Light from Metamorpho.

I thought Doctor Mid-Nite was going to say, "I'd have brought my eyesight!" Because Doctor Light is hot is why.

Somehow, Doctor Mid-Nite and Doctor Light do not implode and cease to exist on contact. I would theorize on why that is but I'm too hypnotized by the way Atom is parting Metamorpho's metal labia to help birth Doctor Light. Hmm. This might wind up being the weirdest picture I've ever jerked off to.

Instead of immediately defeating the Rocket Reds and kicking Sonar's ass all the way to the Pacific Ocean, the members of the Justice Society stand around like old men and debate politics. Being that they are old men, they're really, really good at it. And slow. And, as you'd expect, boil it all down to "The Communists are the worst!"

Jesus, Alan! Still not over the McCarthy-era propaganda? You know what other group McCarthy really fucking cracked down on, don't you?!

Wildcat steps in to point out that the Rocket Reds just beat up a bunch of heroes so why can't the Justice Society just use that as an excuse to beat up a bunch of Rocket Reds? Why discuss politics when you can just defend yourself now and apologize to the international community later?

Doctor Mid-Nite also expresses his wishes to battle and defeat the Rocket Reds but he uses a really fucking horrible analogy.

Comparing saving the world to choking a baby in its crib isn't fucking weird at all!

The Rocket Reds arrive to put an end to the discussion. Green Lantern is all, "I am the most powerful person in the world! I will defeat them in mere seconds!" But then a tree explodes and he's knocked unconscious by some wooden shrapnel. It may be the most humiliating moment in his entire seventy years on Earth.

Jay Garrick, being one of the fastest men alive, which means he can reason things out pretty quickly, realizes trees don't usually explode and deduces somebody must have made that tree explode! And somebody did! Using sound! Which is a clue as to who is behind it all! But Jay Garrick doesn't have time to think the problem through because Jay Garrick must not have access to the Speed Force or something because he can't see somebody else moving super fast. He deserves to have his skull caved in by The Flash which is what happens point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero two nanoseconds after Jay thinks, "What?! Someone moving even faster than--" Faster than what?! FASTER THAN WHAT?!

Before Jay Garrick's skull gets completely smashed, he does some reverse brainwashing on Wally by running alongside him super fast and going, "You're brainwashed, dumb-dumb! You're brainwashed, dumb-dumb! Snap out of it, idiot! Barry and I are faster than you!" It seems to work because The Flash concocts a plan to get away from Sonar by flinging the unconscious (and maybe dead?) Blue Jay across the frozen tundra so he can pretend to go after the escaping hero.

Back in London, a super duper twist takes place at JLE headquarters.

What?! The new tailor outfitting everybody in those horrible new costumes was a spy for Sonar all along?! No way!

I haven't mentioned over the last half dozen issues or so how suspicious everybody has been about the new tailor because I just assumed they all hated him for putting Elongated Man in that terrible outfit and Power Girl in hers. And even though I wrote that caption as if I had known all along, I really hadn't known all along. And I've read this before! I just thought he was acting nervous and guilty because he knew how terrible his fucking designs were.

The superpowered Indian girl from last issue breaks into JLE Headquarters and finds the tailor there. One of the two is all, "You shouldn't be here!", and it's not the one you think. Unless you thought it was Chandi Gupta, the Indian lass. Because, yeah, she said it. As if she knows who should be in the castle and who shouldn't? She obviously doesn't know or she would have yelled that at herself. The tailor, instead of saying, "Oh, I'm the official Justice League Europe tailor! I made Power Girl and Elongated Man's amazing new costumes!" Instead he says, "I'd like to see what a little punk like you is going to do about it." Which kind of blows his cover, no? He could have just repeated what she said and threatened to call the cops on her.

Chandi has a magic bow but I guess the tailor is already in melee range so she chooses not to use it with negative modifiers. That's when the suit of armor reveals itself as the lord of the castle and nearly kills the tailor. But Chandi stops it from murder so that she can tell it her origin story.

Yeah, but you left out the most important detail: your superhero name!

The Flash arrives to interrupt the nice chat between the mystic girl and the armored ghost. He pleads with them to contact Justice League America to save the day. I guess he doesn't know Superman is dead and Blue Beetle is in a coma and Fire has lost her powers and Ice quit and Booster Gold's technology has been demolished and Bloodwynd is actually Martian Manhunter. I don't think they're in any condition to save anybody's day. I guess, unbelievably, Sonar and the Rocket Reds are going to take over the world!

Justice League Europe #48 Rating: C. The story and art weren't as mediocre as the C rating might indicate. What the C rating indicates is how unbelievable — even in a stupid comic book that mainly deals with the unbelievable — it is that Sonar and the fucking Rocket Reds have not only defeated Justice League Europe but the Justice Society as well! And, I suppose, the Justice League Reserves! This wouldn't have happened if Batman had stuck around to lead the team.

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Justice League Europe #47 (February 1993)

Sonar added orange dye to his sonic bolts for a better visual spectacle.

I'm ignoring the pun, "The Sound of Slaughter," because it kills a tiny piece of my brain every time I try to read it due to my brain trying to pronounce slaughter as it should be pronounced and also as rhyming with "laughter" at the same time. It physically hurts to read it which is probably why I shouldn't have mentioned it at all. Let's go back to the idea that Sonar's sonic blasts can be observed. Which I'm entirely thankful for because picture this cover, in your mind's eye, without the orange-yellow blasts. It's fucking ridiculous, innit? People picking up this comic book in 1993 would think, "Do his balls smell that bad?"

Hal Jordan has returned from his mission on Oa when this issue begins and, in typical Hal Jordan fashion (which I've documented time and time again so I don't know why anybody else doesn't feel the same way about Hal that I do), instead of investigating what's happened to his teammates, he struts right up to the entire Rocket Red Brigade and begins punching them in their vodka-soaked Russian faces. Dammit. I apologize for the obvious ethnic insult but I lived through the '80s and even though I didn't much think about it, some of Reagan's propaganda soaked into the wee corners of my mind. Luckily most of my attitude toward Russians was formed by pop music so I figured the Russians loved their children and also all became clowns after they served in the Russian military. But we're probably at a point where a few pointedly Russian insults can make it into my writing because of Putin's invasion of Ukraine (which is kind of echoed in this "Red Winter" story arc!). Don't get me wrong! I don't hate Russians because of what their leader is doing. I'm American! I know how awful it is to be blamed for the stupid violent imperialist shit our leaders do! But I think the atmosphere is a little bit okay for some vodka and potato and big concrete blocks making up the bulk of their architecture jokes! Sure it's low hanging potatoes! But that's the kind of thing people reading this blog believe I dabble in because they don't truly understand the subtlety of most of my jokes! Not that "vodka-soaked Russian faces" has any subtlety in it. But that's just the camouflage to hide all the really great lines that two or three readers will ever notice!

Hal attacks the Rocket Reds while spouting a load of allegations about what they're up to and expecting them to explain themselves while he beats the shit out of their vodka-soaked Russian faces.

Of course they don't answer, Hal. How much English do you think they know?!

Hal pulls the helmet off one Rocket Red's head and, hokey smokes, it's Dmitri! What are the odds?! Unless all the Rocket Reds will be revealed to be clones of Dmitri, like how all the Empire's clones turned out to be Boba Fett's dad! Hal tries to make Dmitri feel guilty but that doesn't work against brainwashed people so Dmitri just blasts Hal with his Apokolyptian gauntlet blasters. Hal, showing no remorse, blasts Dmitri full in his uncovered face with his ring, thinking, "It's much easier to murder you when I never actually worked with you!" Or something to that effect. I'm not the most reliable re-teller of stories. Once Hal takes out Dmitri, what other Rocket Red can stand up to him? None of them have armor forged on Apokolips. They just have rusted-out, Cold War technology that wasn't even great before the dissolution of the Soviet Union! But that's when brainwashed Flash appears!

I love this panel although I suspect Barry had used his yellow boot into Hal's face trick more than once in the past.

Do you think Batman gives pointers to all the other Justice League members about how to defeat every other Justice League member? When Batman learned Hal was going to be in charge of Justice League Europe, he probably took Wally aside and was all, "He's defenseless against yellow. If you ever have to take him down, just judo kick him right in the brain. He'll literally never see it coming. Also, stop sexually harassing Power Girl, you sex pest."

It turns out Wally learned the yellow boot move from Sonar. I knew he had to have learned it from somebody because it's too advanced a tactic for Wally West to have come up with himself. Actually learning about somebody else's weaknesses to use to his advantage? Why bother! He's super fast and can do anything! Would be his thoughts on the subject, I mean. Also, you know what? They're my thoughts on the subject too! How is The Flash ever defeated at all?! I'm going to stop suspending my disbelief in this fictional DC Universe if they don't start getting more realistic with how super speed would work! Maybe have The Flash accidentally run into a few buildings here and there because he runs faster than he can think or see. Hmm, I've re-thunk my thoughts on the subject! DC is doing just fine. I don't want them to think too hard about all the reasons super speed would be a terrible, uncontrollable curse. Let's just pretend he runs fast enough when he needs to and people can also hear him say everything he says while running around super fast.

Back in London, the last available member of Justice League Europe, Crimson Fox, pretends she's up to the task of rescuing the others. She probably can stop the Rocket Red Brigade all by herself unless the suits are hermetically sealed, making the Russians within immune to her pheromones. Also in London, an Indian girl who can make electric arrows has run away from her aunt and uncle, deciding that the only safe place for her to flee is to the Justice League castle. I don't know remember who she is but she feels like somebody who will wind up on the Titans.

Catherine, like me, doesn't believe Crimson Fox has what it takes to help the other members of the League. So she calls in the reserves!

Why is this the reserve team? Get them their own continent immediately!

Crimson Fox and her new underlings (I'm assuming Fox is the new leader) have no idea what they're even doing because nobody can communicate with the rest of the League. They'll probably have to wait until they hear a news story about the Rocket Reds invading Romania. Green Lantern somehow gets away, probably some auto-protect setting on his ring which really pisses off Sonar because now he has to save Ralph's life just to get another brainwashed Justice League soldier. Luckily Sue is willing to make a deal with Sonar, giving him whatever he wants if he'll save Ralph from the trap he set that nearly killed him.

Rocket Reds force the JLE Reserve's plane to make a crash landing as it tries to enter Russian airspace. That's when Black Canary is all, "I guess it's up to Aquaman and his bureaucratic nonsense!" Oh yeah! I forgot about Aquaman and Power Girl! What have they been up to since we left them about to kiss?

Notice how Aquaman specifies, in this melodramatic act, how he can't be with another "woman." He's definitely fucking dolphins.

Power Girl doesn't take rejection well but they must not have diet soda in Atlantis because she doesn't smash up the joint. She just leaves Aquaman to his lonely boner and his boring paperwork and his moist, succulent dolphins. She heads back to the surface with only an Atlantean headband to show for her journey back "home." It's kind of depressing and I don't give three shits about Power Girl. I'm not sure if not giving more or less shits shows greater apathy.

While Sonar's plan seemed to really be falling into place a few pages ago, it quickly begins to fall apart when Power Girl ditches Aquaman and Sonar loses the ability to listen in on either one.

Why are we checking in on Sonar if Crimson Fox is out there naked somewhere?!

Sonar suits up because it's time for the C-list villain to take matters into his own hands. This constitutes an expected failure on his part, right? His Rocket Red invasion plan gets stymied on a number of fronts in conflict with the Justice League when he should have been ruling several countries by now. I guess Gerard Jones actually thought Russia invading other countries would be difficult because the rest of the world wouldn't stand for it. Instead, we've learned most of the world barely cares. It's probably why Israel decided to finally go ahead with their longtime plans of killing and driving out the Palestinians. And they were right to move forward! The UK and the USA have decided, in this case, genocide probably isn't a war crime. Gerard Jones must be rolling over in his prison cell thinking about how he fucked up this story so bad! Oh, no, excuse me. He's out of jail now. I hope somebody checks his hard drive regularly to make sure he hasn't downloaded any more Oopsie! Pictures.

While sitting in a crashed airplane in the snow doing nothing, The Huntress spends a few minutes listening to World News on her transistor.

Oh? Latveria exists in the DC Universe? That's fucking news to me.

If I were Gerard Jones, I wouldn't jokingly be making reference to Doctor Doom in this story. It only reminds the readers that Sonar is a two-bit Doctor Doom, at best. If I owned any Marvel Comics, I would immediately be thinking about re-reading some Fantastic Four right now.

Oh, come on! I do own some Marvel comics! But they're mostly Ultimate editions of them! And Punishers by Garth Ennis! And maybe that series Gaiman did where they're all old timey pirates and shit. The main reason I don't drop this dumb Sonar story and read those comics is that I have no idea how I've organized my comic books. They're in one of the dozens of short boxes stacked up against a wall in the bedroom. You think I'm organized? I'm re-reading my old comics by random draw. Whatever's in the next box under Justice League will be what I read next!

Doctor Light arrives to help the Rocket Reds capture the Justice League Reservists. She does a half-assed job of it, getting trapped inside a lead Metamorpho ball while Metamorpho falls unconscious, unable to let her out. So she's suffocating, The Huntress was knocked out, Blue Jay was electrocuted, and Tasmanian Devil got his ass beat for talking like a pirate. Only Mister Miracle and Black Canary are left standing and they aren't exactly powerhouses able to take on a whole bunch of armored soldiers, even if the armor is of Soviet design. But just when all is darkest before the darkest night, they're saved by Green Lantern! No, not Hal. The gay one.

Is The Atom wearing a snow camo outfit or did the colorist just forget to fill him in?

Justice League Europe #47 Rating: B. The Justice Society don't answer to anybody anymore because no government wants to work with a bunch of old has-beens. So they have no problem creating an international incident by invading Russia to slap the young Rocket Reds on their backsides and give them what for. Also, we didn't actually know Alan Scott was gay in 1992 because nobody had told us yet. But there were hints! Like that majestic cape he's wearing. And his weakness being wood. You know, because he would get all turned on by boners which would expose his secret, closeted life and ruin his marriage. But his son Todd would probably have been, "What?! I'm gay too dad! Let's hit the clubs!" Then Jade probably would have taken a naked shower while they were out, really lathering up her secret bits and causing me to get some serious Green Lantern weakness in my pants. Um, anyway, this was a pretty decent issue! Except for the part where they refused to show Crimson Fox getting naked. That was disappointing.

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Justice League Europe #46 (January 1993)

Why does Sonar have three front teeth?

You know I'm seriously perplexed by Sonar's teeth when I fail to first mention how Power Girl's ass is the focal point of this cover. I wanted to say something like, "Hasn't Ron Randall ever seen a person wearing pants?" but I quickly realized it's 2024, not 1992, and women go everywhere in yoga pants meaning that Power Girl's ass in clothing looking just like an ass out of clothing is just common life these days. And thank God it is, by the way! I'm not judging! I'm anti-judging! Women might not wear enough yoga pants in public if I were being truthful and disgusting! Sure, sure! It's just about comfort! I get that. But the male gaze lives and breathes and refuses to die no matter the intent of women! We will leer and drool and think horrendously filthy thoughts even though you just want to get your coffee without somebody thinking about your butthole. I'm just here to say that it can't be helped! What can be helped is making a righteous, disgusting dick of yourself, guys. Keep those thoughts in your head. Don't think your disgusting imagination is reality! Leave women alone! You know what? Leave men alone too! Leave everybody alone in public aside from some minor niceties and politenesses! But also, women, wear more yoga pants! And sun dresses! Especially on breezy days!

You may have noticed that I embrace my perverse male gaze. But that's because I'm writing about it on a stupid blog that nobody has to visit and read. I'm not out in public waving my male gaze for everybody to see and be irritated by and possibly fearful of! I'm a comic book reader! We're gross and disgusting! And I'm not just talking about the guys!

This issue begins with John Belushi in Russia standing on a bread line.

Do young people even know who John Belushi is anymore?

I remember right around the time I would have been reading this comic book, I was volunteering back stage at the local junior theater to help move the bigger sets between scenes. I mentioned John Belushi to a couple of the kids as we were hanging out back stage and one of them said, "You mean Jim Belushi's brother?" That may have been the first time I felt old. Not even 21 yet! I think I fake angrily replied, "What? No, no! Jim Belushi is John Belushi's brother! Not the other way around!" Then I punched him in the face and threw his body in the creek behind the building and I felt young again.

Catherine discovers some intel about how the Rocket Reds might be invading Ukraine and other former Soviet republics to reform the USSR from twin Meat Loafs.

They would do anything for the re-integration of the former Soviet republics into a grand, sprawling collection of Communist states again but they won't do that.

Catherine has been unsuccessful at getting in touch with Justice League Europe to let them know her new intel. She's been keeping tabs on the entire League but can't figure out what happened to The Flash and Doctor Light. She also doesn't know where Crimson Fox is but she sort of shrugs over that information and thinks, "Do any of us ever really know where Crimson Fox is?" That's because Flash and Doctor Light have actually been kidnapped by the bad guys. Catherine searching for them makes sense in advancing the plot. But if she were to search for Crimson Fox, it would just waste everybody's time, especially mine. We know she's out fucking Rex Mason.

The Flash and Doctor Light have not only been kidnapped by Sonar's men, they've been strapped into a sonic brainwashing machine to make them loyal to Sonar. The Rocket Reds have already undergone the treatment and fallen to Sonar's clutches. Being that a test I took about forty years ago told me that I have the reading comprehension of an American senior high school student, I think that means Sonar is actually the one invading Ukraine!

Meanwhile, Power Girl and Aquaman arrive in Atlantis to the cheers of Atlantean throngs.

Isn't this just an old Sea Monkey advert?

Instead of getting to their diplomatic business, Power Girl moans about her fake Kryptonian memories and the loss of whoever she was while Aquaman cries about his dead wife and child. It's all so sexy that they wind up kissing. Sonar, being all about sound and shit, has all the heroes wiretapped so his men are all, "They gonna fuck! No need to worry about those two! Let's see if the Dibnys are fucking too!"

The Dibnys are not fucking. They are getting a celebratory welcome from the people of Modora whom they believe they saved from Sonar but they really just kicked the C-list villain down the road. And not that far down the road either since Sonar has already stolen all of his sonic technology back from the Modoran government and left a trap for Ralph in the newly opened Elongated Man Museum, the one place Sonar knew the trap would be sprung. Ralph is zapped by a sonic wand and, I don't know, dies, I guess?

Crimson Fox meets up with her sister to have some scones over coffee and also to brag about how much elemental ass she's been getting.

Sapphire Stagg probably believed the "he's not flesh" line too and then she wound up pregnant. At least one small part of him is definitely flesh.

Ralph isn't dead but the doctor proclaims that he's on the brink of death! So I was close enough, especially since I knew he wasn't dead. He outlives Sue, remember? Ah, Identity Crisis! You made so many friends!

Sue knows who nearly killed Ralph not because she's a genius but because it's fucking obvious. The trap was placed in Sonar's sonic staff! And no super villain would pretend to be Sonar because that would be fucking embarrassing. Even Crazy Quilt and Kite Man wouldn't stoop to pretending to be fucking Sonar.

Sonar doesn't think he's nearly the worst DC super villain of all time, probably because he knows Black Hand is still out there somewhere. He really believes he's become the Doctor Doom of the DC Universe! And that he's helping everybody by taking over the world!

I mean, he might be helping people. His technology certainly could be used compassionately. At the right price.

The problem with people who have the money, power, or technology to help the world is that they don't want to help the world unless it's on their terms. It's always selfishness over philanthropy. They're all basically Napoleon! Unless I meant somebody else?

Justice League Europe #46 Rating: B. I loved this issue! But I don't actually know what love is so it gets a B.

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