Batman: Gotham Nights #3 (March 1992)

So much shit happening in Gotham and Batman's gotta hassle Joel and Emma for "sitting on a park bench at night while Black".

The Cover
When I saw this cover, I thought, "Did this inspire Alan Grant to name his series Shadow of the Bat?" Then I looked up the release dates of this issue and Shadow of the Bat #1 because I knew it would be close. This came out about three weeks before Shadow of the Bat #1 So that doesn't make a lot of sense. But Eduardo Barreto may have known about Grant's upcoming series and was all, "Yeah! The shadow of the bat! Iconic, right?!" Of course, the idea that the shadow of Batman is an iconic image that falls across the faces of unsuspecting criminals as they're doing their criming just means that Barreto and Grant didn't need any specific outside influences to come up with their covers and the names of their comic book series, respectively. In other words, I should just delete everything I just wrote since it ultimately comes to naught. Then I should replace it with something like, "Barreto's cover for this issue shows how the people of Gotham do not just live under the constant light of the Bat Signal signifying danger and chaos (or justice and order?) but also under the direct shadow of the man who will pass judgment on them." The Bat Signal from last issue is a light in the dark. It is the hope. It is for the dreams of the people to live in a safe city. Batman's shadow, the swathe of darkness passing across the city, signifies fear and danger. For the criminals, of course! Not for old dying men and their wives wondering where to buy a shotgun in the middle of the night sitting on a park bench.

The Story So Far
The stories of the people we were introduced to in Issue #1 advanced a little in Issue #2, some more than others. Jennifer and Dio had the most plot progression as they engaged in conflict with intimate partners. Jennifer finding out the guy she just met that day who told her how he lied for a living was lying to her. And Dio, a criminal on parole, engaging in more criminal behavior and accusing his wife of infidelity. Noel learned he had six months left to live but, being that he looks like he's eighty, it couldn't have come as too much of a shock. I understand that being given a fairly credible end date to your life must be shocking no matter when it happens. But don't eighty year olds live every day thinking, "Fucking Christ oh my God it could happen at any moment how do I fucking block out the thought holy shit holy shit holy shit"? I've been thinking that way since I was nineteen! And, yes, I know that isn't healthy! Obviously I wish my brain worked differently!

Rosemary's story didn't really advance much either. She had a wet dream about marrying Batman with Lobo in attendance (that's what made it wet) and then cried when she woke up to her normal life. And, finally, we learned Jimmy, Jennifer's not-gay-at-all friend, was wrestling with the demons of a past relationship. It's possible he killed her and Jennifer's fucking lucky she hasn't climbed into bed with that psycho. Maybe hooking up with Ray the Lying Liar was a lucky break!

Batman's story so far? He wasn't anywhere to be seen last issue. But then this comic book isn't about him so what did you expect?!

The Story
This issue is called "Organisms". Why? How the fuck should I know! The majority of my reading consists of pictures with words. You think I'm able to make intuitive leaps of logic based on a word I can barely spell?! It is a weird choice though after "Giants" and "Dreams". Giants purported to describe the people which I'm guessing the "Organisms" is also describing. Sure, "Giants" could have specifically meant the buildings but the quote by Frank Lloyd Wright made it pretty clear Ostrander was talking about the residents of Gotham. And then we learned about the huge dreams of the sleeping giants. Now, in the light of day, everybody is just reduced to the generic "Organisms"? Like rats in a maze? Like amoeba on lice on rats in a maze? Seems like a real drop in stature for the main characters of this book.

Oh look! Batman made the first page! I think. I suppose Alfred could be driving. You know what? Never mind.

There's a famous quote from Tennessee that I think about every time a comic book tries to trick me into believing a whole load of bullpucky: "Fool me once, shame on . . . shame on you. Fool me . . . you can't get fooled again." So very fucking wise.

The point of view follows the Batmobile as it drives home for the night as Ostrander, high as fuck on cough medicine, rambles about who can fucking tell?

This sounds suspiciously like an Ann Nocenti script.

I suspect what Ostrander's trying to say here in a super fancy "Look at the Professional Writer!" way is that the criminal element use their dreams of doing crime to steal the dreams of the people who don't do crime but the "dream hunters" (meaning Batman and the cops) make sure to drive their dreams right into the dirt and shit on them. But then Batman goes home to take a nap and dream about all the cash his cash makes without anybody having to do anything and also of coming on Catwoman's tits.

Ostrander gives birth to a few more Narration Boxes about dreams and the dreamers and dreams that dream and die and more dreams being born before he gets to the point: the dreamers are their dreams; they cannot be separated. After that, we get to see Jennifer in a towel fresh from a shower, as if this were a David Finch or Tony S. Daniels comic book.

Oh, sorry. Not like those perverts at all. Jennifer's actually wearing an appropriate length towel.

Jennifer's shocked to find lady products in Ray the Lying Liar's bathroom because she doesn't understand the concept of having a sister who sometimes visits her brother in the big city. Also Ray admitted that he lies about everything so maybe she should assume the worst: Ray has a vagina! Wait. Is that the worst? I think I misspoke because I'm getting super horny thinking about my new version of this story.

Jennifer acts a bit hurt and grumpy over breakfast because she realizes Ray loves to fuck. But she loves to fuck too! They have that in common! Shouldn't she be excited? Well, no, I guess not. She finds it kind of gross that Ray wined, dined, and fucked her and now he's all, "Casual sex is pretty awesome!" But Jennifer seems kind of down on it for some reason. Ray makes a great point about how he didn't promise anything more than the good time they had and Jennifer throws out a hypothetical situation that if he had promised more it would have been a lie anyway because he confessed to lying all the time so she has a right to be angry because he, theoretically, lied to her.

I'm confused. Maybe they should just fuck again?

I don't understand his point about how Jennifer uses sex to keep people at a distance when having sex with a person means you're closer to them than ever. Have I been doing sex wrong?! Am I supposed to fling my semen at them from across the room? Is the only actual sex I've ever seen that scene in the prison from The Silence of the Lambs?!

If that's how Ray makes sure a one-night stand stays a one-night stand, he's pretty cool. Unless that's just how Jennifer makes sure a one-night stand remains a one-night stand. Then she's pretty cool! Are they both cool? Did they both just use their one-night stand tricks on each other? Was that a successful night for both of them?

At the same time Ray and Jennifer are arguing, Dio and Migdalia, his wife, are arguing as well. Dio comes in the window after being out all night, tells Migdalia to not question his actions, tells her to divorce him, and then leaves by the window. Does the apartment not have a door? How cheap must the rent be there?

Later at the train station where everything important happens, Batman buys a doughnut from the crazy lady and checks out Jennifer's ass.

Okay, so that's not Batman. It's Frank. But Rosemary believes he's Batman.

Jennifer finds Jimmy and cries on his shoulder about how mean the man she fucked the night before was. Jimmy probably doesn't mind because he's still fucking a ghost. Hopefully it's the ghost of a woman he killed and he'll wind up killing Jennifer too. I don't mean "hopefully" in the way you think I do! I don't want Jennifer to get killed. But I do want to read an exciting comic book.

Luckily for me and my need for excitement, Joel gets his hands on a gun so that he and Emma can die as one. Doesn't seem super fair to Emma but if she finds it romantic, who am I to say otherwise? What do I know about romance? I only just realized that I've been doing sex wrong!

Jimmy tells Jennifer about his wife and how she was killed by The Joker's gas. He blames himself because they'd had a fight and he left her on the streets of Gotham. He should blame Batman for never killing The Joker! Jennifer gets super wet over the story and realizes it was Jimmy she's wanted to fuck all along. But Jimmy's kind of pissed at her now and he heads to work without any promise of seeing her later. Her eyes turn into hearts now that Jimmy has told a story where he showed a little passion and also because he sort of shit on her and the way she acted with Ray. She needs to have sex with him now to keep him at a distance so that he can't hurt her!

Dio also gets his hands on a gun because he's got a cheating wife and her lover to kill. And since I've seen the cover to Issue #4, I know Rosemary also winds up with a gun. I guess Issue #4 will just be a wild shootout at the train terminal!

The Ranking
I felt like nothing actually happened this issue but then I guess that's sort of the point of this series, isn't it? Life just goes on in the normal, mundane, boring way that it goes on with little ripples of emotion and passion. In those moments, unseen feelings build, tensions grow, and people get their hands on guns. Then Batman has to save everybody's day after which he shakes his head and crushes the guns in his hands. Then The Joker kills another 3% of the population while Batman shakes his fists and screams, "Why didn't I just save one of those guns?!"

Batman: Gotham Nights #2 (April 1992)

Please let the scene where Jennifer fucks this guy be six pages long.

The Cover
Eduardo Barreto fills this month's cover with signs of doom. The Pearl Necklace indicating the worst night of Batman's life. The Bat Signal signaling a violent night in Gotham. The red balloon about to cause a nuclear war. The admitted liar on the verge of manhandling Jennifer. The sidebar declaring mundane nobodies as the main characters of this series. Okay, that last one wasn't because of Barreto. But it's still an indicator of a bad time. I'll admit that whatever the actual focal point of the cover is (Jennifer's face? The Bat Signal? The lying dude's cowlick?), I can't stop staring at Jennifer rubbing her ass against the guy's stiffening member. If I had been the editor on this series, I would have asked Eduardo to shift the focus down and to the right, maybe even chopping Jenn and her man's head off at the chins.

Once again, the cover's a bit too on this side of realism for me to love it. But I enjoyed it and think it's well done and it almost has nipples. So great job, Ed!

The Story So Far
Batman hunts down a missing child in the background of a story centering six regular citizens of Gotham. One is a guy who loves a girl who loves to fuck but is too shy to admit he wants to fuck her. One is a gal working at a terribly named doughnut shop with a delusion that one of her customers is in love with her and probably Batman. One is a man with six months to live. One is the wife of the man with six months to live whose name is Emma and not Woman, although Ostrander took far too long to put it on paper. One is a man on parole whom Batman's watching carefully, believing he's got something to do with the missing kid. That man is also possibly an alcoholic and a terrible husband and father. Oh yeah, the last one is the woman who loves to fuck (as many women do so it's a weird thing to center her character on except that it allows Ostrander to put her in a precarious situation by wanting to fuck a lying liar scumbag). How all these stories will converge or what they'll say about Gotham in general, I'm not sure. Maybe they'll help save Batman at some point. Maybe they'll just struggle through their problems without Batman ever noticing. Maybe we'll see how even the citizens of Gotham can be heroes and villains on a smaller scale than we normally see. Earlier, before I sat down to read this comic and write about it, I had a thought about the direction this story would take and said to myself, "That's probably it!" But I've forgotten that thought since then because I was concentrating on something else in the forefront of my brain, like making breakfast or jerking off or both. I don't remember!

The Story
Last issue was called "Giants". The idea was based on a Frank Lloyd Wright comment about New York looking like it was built for giants (I guess? I'm trusting Ostrander and not looking it up myself and also that, in the DC Universe, Frank Lloyd Wright was talking about Gotham even though Gotham is in New Jersey. I think) and how the people who live there embraced that idea and think of themselves as giants, as the kind of people strong enough to live in such a scary and chaotic place. So this one is called "Dreams" because, I'm guessing, we'll see the kinds of lives these giants dream of living. I'm sure Ostrander will give us another quote from a famous person to get the ball rolling. Maybe one from Jung?

Or he'll go even more mainstream and choose this old gem we've all heard way too many times to count. It's practically "The Second Coming" it gets quoted so much.

The first thing that came to mind when I read that quote was the feeling the first time someone you've just met puts their hand down the front of your pants. Those are my favorite people to let into my bubble of territoriality. Is there anything better in life? I'm going to say, "Almost certainly not." If I had to forget one great work of literature that I read and thought often about every time some new person stuck a hand down the front of my pants, I'd make that deal in a heartbeat! "Pynchon who?" I'd respond to the librarian whom I was praying would put her hand down the front of my pants so I could forget Of Mice and Men. I think the loss of a memory of a book would have to be random because the deal would be too good to be true if you were able to choose which book you'd forget and the book didn't have to be a great work of literature. Off the top of my head, I already have sixteen free hands-down-the-front-of-my-jeans moments as I desperately attempted to forget every Piers Anthony book I'd ever read. Losing my memory of The Color of Her Panties while getting a hand job? Two birds with one ecstatic grip, that one!

Jenny and Mr. Lies-a-Lot continue their day with a stroll through the park. They pass Joel and Emma who sit on a bench discussing how Emma will live her life after Joel's dead. Turns out Joel's an incurable romantic.

"With all that's left after I'm dead, you might just be able to afford a shotgun."

Jimmy managed to catch the train back to the suburbs even though he nearly missed it waiting for Jennifer. Apparently he hasn't tried to get between Jenny's legs not because he's gay but because he's wrestling with the ghost of his last relationship.

I'd say literally but that word has been ruined by the kinds of people who spell lose with two "o"s. Also he's not technically wrestling with it so saying literally would feel wrong.

I picked up some more Shadow of the Bat issues at my local comic book store's year end sale! But I can't read them until I get through with this comic book about regular people. I hope they all wind up victims of The Joker by the end. Not because I'm a monster! Because Ostrander wants us to see the kinds of everyday people who suffer for Batman's choice to not kill! All their deaths should be on Batman's head!

Dio decides to get back into crime because his girl didn't have any beer waiting for him when he got home from seeing his parole officer. Man, I know exactly what that's like! Except for being on parole. And getting back into crime. And drinking a beer when I get home. But that part about having a girl! Man, I totally know what that's like! You other comic book nerds might not know what it's like but let me tell you: it's probably so sweet! I mean, it is sweet! Super sweet!

I have a philosophical question. If I were to rate all of my sexual experiences across my lifetime, should I include the time that girl with the huge tits draped herself across my back at the skating rink? Probably, right? It's not like I could stand up anytime soon after that seeing that I chose to wear sweat pants that night. And I was like fourteen. Also, if I'd come in my pants (which I assure you I did not do that time!), could I mark that as the night I lost my virginity? Probably, right?

The guy whom Dio punched in the face earlier that day is heading up the crew about to do some crime. He allows Dio to join because Dio teaches them how to defeat Batman: run like hell. The crime leader finds it so amusing that he pretends to forget that Dio punched him. I say "pretends" because he's probably setting Dio up to take the fall for whatever crime they're doing. Wouldn't you?! The jerk punched him in the face earlier! And all he did to deserve it was call his wife a whore! Is that fair?

While Dio's fucking up his life, Rosemary has a sexy dream about Batman.

According to Herr Horndog Freud, penetrating somebody with a spear in a dream is totally a sex dream.

See that? Ostrander himself understands why I want to see all of these people dead at the hands of The Joker by the end of this comic book! I'm not a monster at all! Although the woman having this dream might very well be a monster (though not through any fault of her own (what monsters are monsters through faults of their own? We're living in the 21st Century! We understand that the real monsters are Beowulf and The Wizard of Oz and cops (well, cops were always seen as the bad guy until the '80s began a thirty-year trend of Copaganda)!). She's probably dealing with untreated schizophrenia) and she's having the same thoughts that I had thus by the associative property, I will now stop thinking about it and once again declare: I am not a monster!

One of Rosemary's issues is that she's suffering from a form of body dysmorphia. She views herself as the only thin woman in the world. This is best exemplified by the dream of her wedding with Batman (in which Lobo and Halo attend because Rosemary and I are basically the same person, I think).

Even the Helm of Nabu is chubby!

Dio and his buddies don't get busted by Batman because the Gotham Police show up at their crime. I'd be more descriptive about their crime but nobody has actually said which crime they were committing. Probably burglary. While running from the cops, Dio asks Crime Leader Facepunchy why he called his wife a whore. He tells Dio he was just talking shit and he didn't mean nothing by it but Dio heard some things while he was in jail and some of his anger isn't just from not having any beer. He's begun to suspect the baby isn't his which means Dio's wife and child are in serious danger. Know who else is probably in some serious danger? You guessed correctly! Jennifer!

Uh oh. Is Ostrander getting a little preachy here about a woman enjoying a vibrant sexual life?

Why's she gotta wake up thinking fucking yet another guy was a mistake? She shouldn't think this was a mistake until the guy begins dismembering her. Hopefully she's just kind of regretful because the sex was bad. "I didn't . . . not again. . .!" just means she picked another jerk who couldn't make her orgasm. Meanwhile, he's not in bed because he had to go make a phone call.

He's telling all his friends that he just got laid. You know, the way men do.

I wish I was being facetious about men having to tell their friends how much sex they're getting but, in my experience, it's sadly true. The number of times I've met up with friends after long periods of absence and they have to tell me all about how much pussy they were getting. Instead of tuning out until they're done wiping their dick across my face, I should come up with healthy ways to handle this sort of thing. Maybe mirroring their stories but slowly revealing that all the sex I was having was with sheep. Or beginning a story, "Speaking of sex, remember that time you came home and I was waiting for you with your sweaty and satisfied mom in your living room?"

Jennifer accuses Ray the Expert Liar of being on the phone with another woman because she doesn't seem to know that thing about how men need to tell another man that they got laid or else it doesn't really count.

He's probably talking with his associates who helped kidnap the kid Batman's looking for. Or not. Maybe these stories don't tie together at all!

Dio arrives home from failing to crime correctly only to find his wife just hanging up the phone. He knows how men only call people to tell them that they just got laid so he rips the phone out of the wall and accuses his wife of cheating on him. At least he doesn't hit her. Is not hitting a woman whom you think cheated on you because your self-esteem is in the toilet due to your criminal past and your failure to make anything of yourself a noble trait? His wife seems to know he isn't abusive because she says right to his face that she should be sleeping around just to have a man around when she needs one. Sure, his hand is balled into a fist and maybe he was thinking of hitting her before he heard the sirens on the cop car pulling up outside. But his wife seems genuinely concerned for him so I think he's probably been a decent husband until his doubts and failures and Batman accusing him of kidnapping a child started him spiraling. Yeah, I'm making excuses for him! But mostly because of the way his wife reacts to him. She doesn't seem afraid of him; she seems incredibly worried for his mental health and well being.

The Ranking
What was Batman up to this night in Gotham?! We don't know because he didn't make an appearance. But the Bat Signal was in the sky all night, seen several times over the course of the issue. He was probably dreaming like everybody else. Dreaming of Catwoman's fat . . . um, you know what, that's a private thought. I need to learn not to type out private thoughts! "Keep your fat pussy lips discourse to yourself, you old pervert" is what I should continue to repeat over and over again in my head until main has been scrubbed of the horny. Also by "fat pussy lips", I meant Catwoman's recent lip fillers. It's, um, part of her disguise since her lips are the main thing you can see so she gets them filled before a job so that she's less recognizable when the mask comes off and the puffiness subsides. Um, anyway, this was a good issue that could have used a lot more Catwoman, preferably seen from the back while she's bending over.

Christ, I'm so glad my mother doesn't read this blog!

Batman: Gotham Nights #1 (March 1992)

Three disparate fonts in one comic book title might be a Guinness world record.

The Cover
The sidebar on this cover gives Batman second billing to the people of Gotham. But the comic book isn't called The People of Gotham: Gotham Nights for some reason. That season probably has something to do with DC wanting to sell as many issues of this comic book as possible. The art, by Eduardo Barreto, isn't a style that makes my morning wood become "midday wood standing in the middle of a comic book store looking at the new releases rack." It's definitely not bad art! It's that kind of raw and gritty and realistic art that I can appreciate as being well done but remains too far from the cartoony, animated, whimsical, loads of boobies style that I can really get behind. I love that Batman, who gets second billing no matter what the top of the comic book is trying to sell readers, lurks in the background behind the citizen of Gotham. It's a perfect encapsulation for what I think Ostrander's going for in this series (having not read it since 1992 basically means I've never read it, memory (especially my own) being what it is). "This is not a Batman story," the cover states. Sort of. I mean, we've all seen Batman covers like this. But I think those generally try to make Batman at least somewhat a focus of the cover. The focus of this cover is obviously the gun. Then you glance at the guy. And if you're not bored by then because you're thinking, "Why the fuck do I want to read a comic book about ordinary people who just happen to live in Gotham? Dumb!", you might notice Batman, his features hidden by being backlit by the moon. It's a really good fucking cover and I'd like to say I purchased this comic book because the cover was as intriguing as it was even though it claims to be about Gotham citizens. But I know for a fact that I only bought it because John Ostrander was writing it. Sorry, Eduardo! You did so much work and yet I'm that comic book reading asshole who really only cares about three things: 1. Who wrote this? 2. Is Lobo in this? 3. Is Ambush Bug in this?

The Story
This is a story about not Batman. I know it says "BATMAN" right there at the top of the comic book (a fact I've already pointed out about eight times in about seventeen sentences (that's almost half of them!)) but it's not. Did you not read the sidebar? Okay, it's sort of about Batman. But if you purchased it because you wanted to read a story where Batman commits violent acts of extreme justice, you're going to be super sad (I mean angry. If you bought it for those reasons, you're probably one of those people who think "emotions" means "anger").

One of the exciting things about publishing comic books when they cost about a dollar is that you could take chances on weird shit like this (especially if you slap "BATMAN" at the top). Publishing comic books this cheaply meant DC could experiment and people would purchase those experiments because why not? It's just a dollar! And don't think a dollar in 1992 was equal to five dollars today. It absolutely was not which is why I bought this in 1992 but I haven't purchased any new comic books in five years. And comic book shops would buy whatever the two main publishers put out because they were paying, at most, fifty to sixty cents per issue. And if nobody bought the copy new, they could still throw them in the quarter or fifty cent bins and either recoup their initial investment or minimize their loss.

Also, did I mention John Ostrander wrote this? That probably held a lot of weight on if somebody would buy it. I'm not familiar with Mary Mitchell so fingers crossed that she loved drawing women getting out of showers in towels and that a lot of scenes take place in locker rooms, saunas, and showers!

I'm not familiar enough yet with Mary Mitchell's style to know if this character is gay or if she just draws everybody running like that.

One page into Mary Mitchell's art and I'm, tentatively, a believer. Has Batman's chest logo ever been more adorable? It's got little feet! And Batman's cowl has tear ducts! So he can cry at the injustice of it all, I suppose. And the Gotham citizen running from Batman looks like he's just as afraid of the gun in his hands as he is of Batman.

I guess the main takeaway from page one though is that maybe this is a story about Batman. Maybe I shouldn't have judged the cover by the cover. Maybe the "BATMAN" at the top should have been more believable than the shit in the sidebar that really seemed to be added because editorial read the script and was all, "Batman isn't really the focus of this, is he, John?" And John Ostrander was all, "No, of course not. How interesting is that? Who can write a Batman story in this day and age with any new and interesting facets?! It can't be done!" And editorial was all, "Well, it had better be done because people aren't going to buy a Batman book without Batman." And John Ostrander was all, "I mean, look. This is obviously a Batman story! I'm just going to focus on how he interacts with the people he's obsessed with keeping out of harm's way! And their confusing relationship with the city, knowing that one desperate move by any of them could wind up in two broken arms, a broken leg, and a fractured spine. This guy's like Javert on a constant overdose of amphetamines!" Then editorial was all, "Whatever. Just make sure it's got enough Batman that nobody complains. We want zero letters from angry dorks over this, understand?!"

Batman chases Pack onto the subway tracks where a speeding train nearly kills them both and allows for Pack to escape (probably!). That's the prologue. That's the stuff that's supposed to get the reader excited. Now, I suppose, we'll discover what child fucking Batman is talking about and why Pack's involved. You know he's not involved in the way Batman thinks he is. You can tell by how scared he is of that fucking gun.

The real story begins with several pages describing Gotham City, it's architecture, and how it has affected and shaped the people living there.

The story of the stories of the people of Gotham begins with Rosemary Hayes. You might wonder, "Is she going to be important? Is this just a brief glimpse at one of the small lives in the big city? Will her story entangle itself in the stories of the other people? Will there be a hidden story about Batman saving the day off-stage but, if with a close reading, you can put all of the pieces together to see what actually happened? Have I read too much Infinite Jest?" A person picking up this comic book for the first time might think that. But a person who currently has all four issues in a stack and has looked at the cover of Issue #4 which shows Rosemary aiming down the barrel of a shotgun at somebody or something off-screen knows she'll tie in a bit more later.

People can argue about the spelling of doughnut all day long and the only thing they'll ever agree on is that it isn't spelled like Rosemary's place of work spells it.

Mary is either optimistically hopeful or seriously delusional. Perhaps those are just two expressions of the same attribute. But also I saw the cover to Issue #4 so probably delusional. She believes a man that orders from her every day is secretly in love with her. In her internal fantasy of his eventual declaration of love for her, she looks nothing like she actually looks. So, again, delusional. Although I'd still argue, quite emphatically, actually, that being optimistically hopeful is just a kind way of calling somebody seriously delusional.

Other characters who make the cover of Issues #2 and #3 begin their stories after Rosemary's. I guess this series isn't going to be as complicated as Infinite Jest. Probably less suicide too. Although maybe the same amount of obsession and addiction. Definitely zero tennis though. Who wants to read a comic book about tennis? I picked this up to read about Gotham nobodies!

The next two "main" characters: Joel and Woman.

After Joel and Woman, we're introduced to Jennifer and Jimmy. They're so much fun! Jennifer is all, "I love fucking guys but they're always terrible guys!" And Jimmy is all, "I'll buy you breakfast if you promise not to drop it when you think I've got AIDS!" And Jennifer is all, "Whoops!"

That pearl necklace she's wearing doesn't bode well for her avoiding being shot in an alley.

Jennifer assumes Jimmy's gay because he hasn't tried to fuck her even though every story she tells him begins and ends with her saying, "I just love dick!" He assures her that she isn't gay but I think what he's really doing is assuring the Comics Code Authority that he isn't gay while the readers are all, "Oh yeah. He's gay. Cool. Sad he can't embrace it though. He should also be telling stories where he begins and ends with 'I just love dick!'"

Jimmy assures Jennifer that they're friends because he wants to be her friend and not friends because he wants to fuck her. Jennifer is all, "Are you speaking English?" They agree to meet up at the end of the work day to take the same train back home like they do every day. While they're discussing this, an ominous looking man walks past them. He's ominous because he's got a dour look on his face and not because he looks like a Native American. Also because the "camera" focuses on him as he walks past.

It's at this point that Batman and Pack come running into the station. I guess this is the same chase from the night before? Batman finally catches pack by punching him in the face. Pack's jaw shatters in four places and causes him to drop the gun which lands at the feet of the ominous man. Pack acts like he knows this man.

Is that an attempted murder charge? Telling somebody else to murder somebody with the gun you just dropped? If it is, I wouldn't convict on it on the basis of "Jokes, man!"

Batman threatens Dio simply because the man he's been chasing all night knew him by name. When people say ACAB includes Batman, that ain't no joke. It doesn't help that Batman recognizes the guy as somebody he once put in prison. Batman says, "You were working for The Riddler." But the guy is all, "Naw, the Penguin." I bet Batman got that wrong on purpose to test the man's honesty. He claims he's on parole and going to see his parole officer and only knows Pack from the hood. But Batman is all, "I'm looking for a kidnapped child and this guy knows something and he knows you so I'm going to assume you know something. So look out, scuzzball." And Dio walks off thinking, "What the fuck? Am I in a Judge Dredd comic book?"

All the characters we met so far go about their boring days after the excitement of their morning commute. Dio gets in a fight with another parolee in the police station. Jennifer meets a guy she wants to fuck and stands up Jimmy. Joel learns he only has, at best, six months to live. Just a bunch of normal, boring everyday shit. Oh, we also learn Dio's an abusive asshole with a wife and baby. Maybe Batman will teach him a lesson about not being an abusive asshole and his family will live happily ever after. And maybe Joel will try to rob a bank to set up his wife, Woman, with money after he's dead. And maybe Jennifer will get The AIDS from all the guys she loves to fuck. And maybe Jimmy will learn he loves Jenny and come up with boring shit to say to strangers about boxes of chocolate. Oh, and Rosemary will murder the guy she believes loves her. And all while Batman tries to find some missing child, so obsessed with this one case that he misses all of these other cases happening all around him!

The Ranking
Ostrander tells a compelling story with just enough Batman to pull readers into the mundane peoples' lives. Plus it's the perfect length for a series like this. Four issues is the sweet spot. It's too bad that six became standard so companies could collect them in a standard sized graphic novel. Six is often way too many issues. I bet comic book companies would be able to sell more experimental projects if they just cut them down in length. I'm also a big proponent of lowering the prices on certain comics that might not be huge sellers. Sell them for two bucks and let the popular titles subsidize their existence. Open up the kinds of stories that can be told in these superhero universes! Especially if Lobo's involved somehow. Need way more Lobo. I'll probably start buying some new comics again in March because a new Lobo series is coming out. Might give Deathstroke a chance as well. But probably not another Citizens of Gotham series if DC ever does one. Well, it depends on who's writing it, I guess!

Green Lantern #13 (June 1991)

The three main poses of all rubberized superhero figures from the '70s.

Conservatives are generally the type of people who need a world in which objective Truth exists. But they also tend to be the ones to move away from scientific fact because the Truth of the universe rarely agrees with the Truth they want to believe in. What they mean by "Objective Truth" is a reality in which the things they want to believe is the reality forced on everybody who doesn't believe in that reality at all. This whole Objective Truth thing causes liberals to stumble in much the same way. They look around at the current manmade Status Quo and think, "This is the Objective Truth. Anybody who wants a reality better than this is a naïve jerk who needs to grow up and fight for the bare minimum of progress." But then this is our problem as mortal aspects of the universe allowed the most miniscule of moments to observe itself while being given a compulsive need for understanding. I get why conservatives fear God and Hell and would want to believe in a Truth that transcends the unending problems of our species. I get why liberals fight to maintain the small amount of social justice they've been able to claw from those entrenched in the ideas and ways of previous generations, fearful that any step too large might cause them to stumble backwards into darker times. I understand their fears and what drive them. I just don't think fear should ever be the motivating factor of any action we take.

Maybe I realized early in life that I deserve death and so death, and the fear that comes with it, have no power over me. I once killed a large wolf spider that I'd captured on the wall of my room. I had it in a jar and I could have set it free. But the idea of it coming back paralyzed me with fear and I took a bunch of poison and filled the jar and when that didn't work I smashed the spider with a stick. But it didn't make me feel safer. It made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I had allowed my ignorance and my fear to take away the existence of this innocent creature. I destroyed the universe when I destroyed that spider. Both from its perspective as I crushed sense and experience from it, and from my perspective as I realized how shallow, pathetic, and sad living could be made to be for any one of us by any other one of us. I was not even twenty yet and I hated what we could become and what we often allowed ourselves to be and I simply wanted to be better, somehow, in some way. I didn't know how to do it. All I knew is I didn't want to be driven by ignorance and fear. I know I've failed that spider over and over again, being a self-obsessed narcissistic human being with petty wants and drives. But I never forget that spider and I always try to be more, when I can, when I'm able.

What I'm trying to say is why don't I have a Green Lantern ring? What the fuck, Guardians? I'm not fucking good enough for this cosmic gig?! I've basically overcome fear! Isn't that the only prerequisite for the job?! Also, my imagination, while possibly on the vulgar side, would lick ass! I mean kick ass! Obviously, I meant kick ass. Please disregard the Freudian typo the way Freud would not have. And also disregard how, in the future, I defeat all of the bad guys with a gigantic green tongue stuck down the backside of their spandex tights.

Does "communion" mean "fucking, sucking, and pegging" in the original Maltusian?

My guess is that by using of the word "communion" here, the narrator means "community union" or, in other words, a years long swinger party. The way the Guardians are obsessing over and flying around the central battery in this panel after being away from their lovers for such a short period of time makes me realize the Power Battery on Oa was shaped like a Zamaron's butthole.

The narrator goes on to say, "They have returned to use new depths of wisdom in recreating the Green Lantern Corps," which is basically an admission that the Guardians of the Universe have been handled terribly for years and nobody really liked their use of power and authority but, you know what, everybody sort of missed the little blue creeps while they were gone. So here they are again! Back to do everything better which probably means the same but minus the baggage which we're being told doesn't matter anymore, in a roundabout kind of way.

This is the way horror stories begin! "Sometimes, dead is better."

Look, Master of the History of Horror Novels, I know Pet Sematary didn't begin with that line! I'm Gen X, dude. I know every Stephen King novel by heart, backwards and forwards. At least up until around Desperation which was kind of a big gathering up of ideas from all his books to that point and leaving them as little Easter eggs throughout the novel to kind of cement them all in one universe. After that, I sort of just picked up the Dark Tower books until that ended.

Fun fact: Stephen King's first four novels all culminate in massive fires and/or nuclear explosions instead of proper endings. Pretty fucking nihilistic, sir. And King knew he was fucking cheating! He makes an obvious reference to his fiery closures by having the main character in 'salem's Lot, who happens to be a writer, toss his novel into a bin and set fire to it. I don't remember how Dead Zone ended unless it was an assassination attempt and a baby used as a shield for bullets but King's sense of humor shows when his sixth book comes out: Firestarter. "Oh, critics have lamented how all of my books end in fire and flames? What if I start one with fire and flames?! Take that, you true monsters!"

The first story, "The Chore," stars Guy Gardner and a bunch of characters who sound exactly like me in my last few blog posts.

I get the feeling DC received some angry fan letters about recent events and Gerard Jones has chosen to acknowledge them here.

Can this panel be read as Jones acknowledging that he fucked up by having Guy do those things because now people fear what he's going to do instead of seeing him as a hero? Maybe. I can't read Jones' mind and, judging by his criminal convictions, I'm glad I fucking can't. But judging by the way Guy nonchalantly drops an anvil on a mugger's head, probably killing him, as he flies about lamenting how he doesn't find the job exciting anymore, I'm guessing Jones has decided he likes Guy better as a supervillain. Some might say "anti-hero" but I ain't some. You kill a guy by dropping an anvil on his head because he's holding a knife and wrestling with another guy in an alley, I'm not going to give you any label with the word "hero" on it. Does Guy know what that was about? Was the guy with the knife defending himself from the pervert in the trench coat? Those are unanswerable questions because Guy just murdered one-half of the people involved.

Guy's flying around feeling bored and without purpose (even though he's got a shining green purpose right on his finger) which makes me suspect he's suffering from low testosterone. But if Guy is suffering from low testosterone, I'd hate to see him packed full to the brim with it. He'd be dropping anvils on everybody from jaywalkers to shoplifters.

To get his groove back, Guy Gardner decides to do that thing he loves to do with Kilowog. No, the thing you're picturing is what I would do to Kilowog. Guy just likes to assault him. Pretty sure Kilowog enjoys it too though.

Guy's got anvils on the brain. Oh, so does Kilowog! And that mugger!

Kilowog and Guy Gardner destroy several walls and floors of Justice League Headquarters while Blue Beetle stands around enjoying the destruction. Blue Beetle understands his limitations and getting in the middle of a fight between two Green Lanterns is so far past Blue Beetle's limitations you'd think he'd quit on the spot. But then he wouldn't be able to look up Fire's towel from the hole in the floor after she gets out of the shower.

This is probably why Blue Beetle doesn't quit.

Kilowog ends the fight early because Guy doesn't seem to be having fun. Instead, Kilowog starts in on the therapy. That's an important part of his job as the trainer of the Corps, right? To make sure they stay psychologically fit as well as physically fit. He learns that Guy's problem stems from being unable to throw G'nort under the bus in front of the Guardians. He's supposed to report how G'nort was a fraud but Guy just can't bring himself to do it. Was dropping an anvil on a mugger's head and killing him just Guy trying to ignore the feelings of his heart? Guy loves G'nort!

Because he's a big floofy good boy!

Guy's erectile dysfunction stems from his desire to do the right thing. He's like one of those people who only get sexually aroused from car crashes or human sacrifices. You know, the mainstream. Guy's junk only works when he's crashing planes, destroying mansions, or setting fire to small Communist countries. That's not great but you know what is great? Not getting aroused by being nice to a dog, I guess.

Guy decides to tell the Guardians that G'nort's a piece of shit and, just like that, his boner is back! He pops Kilowog in the face and Kilowog is all, "That's my Guy!" And then they proceed to destroy the interior of the Justice League Headquarters. This time with Ice watching and probably thinking, "Guy never gets that hard for me."

Kilowog isn't a great therapist because his advice to Guy was to sell G'nort out because if Guy went to bat for G'nort, Guy would be the laughingstock of the Green Lantern Corps and probably kicked out by the Guardians. Maybe the Corps drill sergeant isn't the most compassionate person to seek advice from. But also, it's good, plotwise, for the reader to understand that even Kilowog, who seems like a level-headed poozer, wouldn't risk his reputation for G'nort. G'nort's an albatross. Symbolically! You'll have to figure out what the symbolism is though because I only know it from an Iron Maiden song: "The mariner kills the bird of good omen. His shipmates cry against what he's done. But when the fog clears they justify him. Making themselves a part of the crime!"

Guy picks up G'nort to take him in front of the Guardians and explain how the dog is a total fraud and not fit to patrol any part of space, even Sector 68. But G'nort immediately fucks up Guy's plan by being the loyal and unselfish doggy he is.

This is a better symbol than that albatross! Guy gets his boner back by choosing to fuck over G'nort but then loses his boner when G'nort gives Guy his bone!

Guy rushes off to see a man about his bone. That man is Hal Jordan who is currently starring in the second story of this book, "The Core." It rhymes with "The Chore"! What will John's story be? "The Bore"?

You thought I was going to say "The Whore," didn't you? Well, I don't use that word except when I'm feeling particularly scared during an intense sexual experience and need it to stop.

Hal Jordan is currently teaching his new recruits the safe way to gently asphyxiate oneself.

Hal Jordan has three new recruits he's training: Larvox the larva, Chaselon the crystal, and Brik the brick. Only Brik is actually a new recruit; the other two are re-enlisting. But Larvox, as Kilowog prophesied earlier (less because he's a prognosticator and more because he's the drill sergeant of the Corps and he understands the minds of all the recruits he's trained), causes trouble with his insect way of thinking. Larvox decides to crush all of their Qwardian prisoners to keep the Corps safe. Larvox doesn't see the death of an individual as murder since, as an insect, he regards the whole as the true organism. Murder only happens when the whole is threatened. In other words, genocide is murder to Larvox while murder is just wiping the counter clean.

Hal has a problem with Larvox because he's human and selfish and thinks wrongly of murder the way an individual would think wrongly of being murdered. Brik has a problem with Larvox because Larvox isn't following the orders of the Guardians. Hmm. That way of thinking is more problematic to me than Larvox's nonchalant view of killing! Larvox just thinks the way most humans think: killing individual members of insect colonies is hardly murder because so many more are still being complete pains in the ass. I get that! But Brik is thinking like a fucking Nazi (and by "Nazi" I mean "anybody in the military or a Republican who values loyalty or a Christian who values faith. Of course! Who doesn't?!).

Hal pretends to be killed by the Qwardians who escape their bonds (probably by Hal's design, of course! His training is constant) to teach his recruits the lesson of working together and to come to the realization that killing is wrong on their own terms and, I don't know, to not trust Hal Jordan, maybe? I mean, you pretend to die in my presence one time and I'm not going to come to your aid when you're possibly pretending to die in the future.

Larvox has lovely locks.

Instead of basing each Green Lantern on how wacky they look as an alien, Gerard Jones tries to build their personalities up from their culture and variances of specie. Larvox thinks like a communal member of a hive organism. Brik, coming from an inorganic, mountainous race, views the world through long stretches of eternal timelessness. Now freed from that life, she still views the universe through that lens while experiencing time much the way most other organisms do. And Chaselon, being a crystal, is a fucking nerd.

After Hal's lessons, they head back to Oa. On the way, they run into Guy and G'nort. But the advice Guy is looking for will have to wait until John Stewart can get his tale out of the way and probably join them in the chat. John's story is called, of course, "The Corps." I knew that's what it was going to be! I was just joking previously when I said "The Bore"! No, really, I was! Stop taking what I say at face value! I mean less than 10% of what I actually write!

No, but seriously. It should have been "The Bore." Even the aliens who have to listen to John speak find it interminably boring.

"Ugh! Will he never shut up?!" "How long must we listen to him?!" "I'd rather be shot in the face by the ejaculating penis-headed creature!"

John's solo bit of the story has him doing a task for the Guardians. That task is to stick his ring in the Central Battery and clear it of all crimson electricity beasts. The creature enters John's ring and the Guardians are satisfied that their battery is functional once again. They don't give a shit if John has become possessed. That's probably a story for another time. For now, Hal and Guy arrive on Oa with the new recruits and G'nort. It's time for Guy to give his report to the Guardians, describing how G'nort got his ring and how, maybe, G'nort has earned a real ring for his heroism.

Oh great. They don't even let him join out of pity. It's just a huge joke to them! Poor fucking G'nort. Good thing he's too stupid to understand.

Look at that! All it took for The Guardians to relax a little bit and to get a sense of humor was to get laid. This is why we need non-judgmental sex work in this country! Non-judgmental on both ends: we shouldn't judge the sex workers and we shouldn't judge those who visit sex workers. And we shouldn't act like anybody who can get laid without paying for it is somehow better than somebody paying for it. Just let people get laid however they can! Anyway, that's the only moral I've learned from this issue. The Guardians were sour authoritarian assholes until the Zamaron's let them put their peepees in their sheeshees.

Green Lantern #13 Rating: A. Oh, the conclusion is that G'nort gets to be Guy's reserve and assistant in Sector 2814. Pretty sure he's mostly his reserve because I don't remember G'nort appearing with Guy as often as G'nort would really want to appear with him. Maybe Guy keeps him in a little doggy house out back of Justice League Headquarters. Aside from that, what more do I need to say? I already stated the moral of the story! And I already shit on everybody's political beliefs! And I've already pointed out how this country could use a lot more Wicker Men. Didn't I? Well, I should have said that. I should always be saying that! Maybe I should get the trend started by building one in my backyard. Then I'll call the police on some pretext or another to come out to my place and casually be all, "Oh, I see you admiring my Wicker Man. Would you like to step inside?"

Green Lantern #12 (May 1991)

This is the only time I'll approve the cliché "so-and-so unleashed" cover blurb.

For the few of you dumber than I am, G'nort is a dog and heroes being unleashed is an overused comic cover statement. Dogs are usually leashed. So this is funny! I didn't laugh at out loud or blow triple sugar caramel cotton candy frapperino out of my nose. But I did think, "This humor is satisfactory. I'll allow it."

I bet you're all just foaming at the private parts imagining being my partner after that description of my reaction to this cover. I know I'd do me. And I often do so that's one of the few true statements ever made on this blog.

This issue begins like every Scooby Doo cartoon ends.

I wish more people had listened to the wisdom of the Scooby Gang: all old white business men are criminal dickfarts.

I was going to complain about how realistic these rubber Sinestro masks were but then I remembered the guys wearing them are Weaponers of Qward. They can accomplish almost anything. Also I remembered this is a comic book. It's also possible this kind of technology actually exists and I pass by people in masks on a daily basis without realizing they're wearing masks. And when I say "people," I mean lizards from an alternate dimension.

The gigantic Sinestro turns out to be an Oz-style animatronic that breathes fire. Right now, it's threatening to breathe fire all over Guy Gardner if he doesn't sell out Hal Jordan to the Qwardians. For some reason, Guy Gardner is reluctant to help these guys kill Hal Jordan. Is Guy a better person than we thought? Or did editorial call Gerard Jones up to their offices to scream at him for making Guy a super villain when Guy is really just an arrogant prick.

Some guy in a tall hat (which means he's really important) comes in and stops the fake Sinestros from killing Hal. He says he's got a better plan and then brings in G'nort's uncle G'newmann to explain everything in four panels.

Uncle G'newmann really does smell terrible!

So that's the whole idea behind G'nort. He was a plan by Sinestro and his henchmen to discredit the Green Lantern Corps by showcasing an idiot as one of their members. In 1991, I might have thought, "That's a pretty good plan! Nobody will respect the Green Lantern Corps with these kinds of idiots representing them!" But in 2024, I've learned just how willing people are to ignore the idiocy of a person in the public arena. One thing I've always said about people who defend Trump: I know you're not a serious or smart person if you think Trump himself is smart. Just the observable speech and actions of this idiotic, needy, selfish despot reveal him to be an absolute ignorant imbecile of the highest order. There's no dumber thing you can proclaim than Trump is smart. And yet thousands of people do it every day! What is wrong with them? If a progressive leader came forward with a plan for a just and beautiful and healthy America but they were dumb as shit, I'd wouldn't be, "This guy is a fucking genius!" I'd be, "This guy is dumb as fucking rocks but if he can do what he says, let's go for it!" And maybe that reveals a bit too much of the actual thoughts behind the people who proclaim Trump a genius. They don't think he's a genius but they love his cruelty. But they also realize that saying they support Trump for all the terrible reasons is something they're not willing to admit (at least for some of them, it's still verboten. But they're learning every day how much more open cruelty they can get away with, especially since courts, cops, and politicians keep giving them the go ahead).

The Qwardians threaten G'newmann's life if G'nort doesn't tell them where to find Hal Jordan. So he rats. The Qwardians all rush off to find Hal who is fifty light years away. I don't know how anybody traverses these kinds of distances in deep . . . oh yeah. Comic books. I used to argue that comic books need to make a little bit of sense for me to suspend by disbelief but then this one time, Dick Grayson drove a motorcycle up the side of a building and it broke my brain and now whenever something absolutely ridiculous happens in a comic book, I drool a little bit, clap my hands, and scream, "Comic books! Yay!"

The Qwardians leave Guy and G'nort shackled and alone so they can work through how to defeat the Qwardians and their "anti-Oan power." Guy accidentally figures it out by pretending to be the high and mighty Hal Jordan: the anti-matter Oan power can't stand up to actual Oan power which is why the Qwardians didn't attempt a full assault with their fake Green Lantern Corps. Guy uses his ring to short out the anti-Oan power, freeing G'nort and himself. Now they only need to get through the last of the Qwardian guards to escape the anti-matter dimension of Qward.

Also the magic ring! There's magic rings in the story too! Although I do prefer the dirty parts.

I've owned Richard Burton's translation of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night for close to thirty years and I've only ever made it to night #139. What I'm saying is that if I had been King Shahryar, Dunyazad would have been cradling her sister's bloody head on the 140th morning.

One of the dirty parts.

Burton's The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night was banned from publication because the English are full on prudes. But only in public! They just didn't want people to know that they enjoyed getting hard-ons and wide-ons. So instead of mainstream publication, Burton had to sell copies of his translation through a book club for horny perverts pretending to be academics and historians. He also sold a translation of The Kama Sutra through these private book club channels. What a dirty, dirty man! One of my heroes, actually.

Guy ditches G'nort because G'nort's ring was taken away plus he's useless and also an idiot. But you saw the cover too, right?! G'nort sniffs out his ring and returns to save Guy's life! G'nort also destroys the Sinestro animatronic which is the source of power for all of the fake Green Lantern rings. Meaning G'nort loses his chance at being the hero of the universe he wanted to be. What a heroic sacrifice and full of no fear and loads of willpower! I wonder if he'll get some sort of reward for showing those qualities when this is all through?

Hal defends himself with the help of the three new Green Lanterns he's recruited. Nobody was really worried about Jordan anyway.

Guy manages to escape with G'nort. Upon their return, Guy Gardner seems to have learned a lesson. Or maybe he smacked his brain-damaged head on something hard while in the other universe and his personality has changed again. I like to think that this is Guy's real personality. It just takes a couple of hard whacks to the noggin to calibrate it.

Everybody writing Guy Gardner should be forced to tack this page above their writing desk.

Green Lantern #12 Rating: A. These rankings don't mean anything because I don't spend a lot of time thinking about if the art was well done or if the characterizations were spot on or if the writing was particularly on point. My ratings are more a guy feeling, a vibe. And this one gets an "A" because it ends with Guy Gardner showing compassion, empathy, friendliness, and humanity. Why can't we have this Guy more often? I like that he's brash and arrogant and insults the other heroes due to some deep self-loathing and low self-esteem issues. But when you get right down to the right and wrong of things, Guy should always fall on the side of right. He is a hero and a Green Lantern, after all. Any time a writer makes him other than that (like earlier in this series when he fucked with the Tattooed Man's life, or when he crashed that plane, or when he set that town on fire), it's the writer who exposes their own faults and an inability to properly write a hero who also happens to be an arrogant jerk-off. I love that Guy is a jerk-off! But we also need to see him soft too! And not because he took a blow to the head! This is why Ice was a good foil for him but even Giffen and DeMatteis only seemed to use Ice as a foil correctly when Guy's personality was altered. Once he became a jerk again, he treated her like shit. And he shouldn't have done that. They shouldn't have chosen to do that to him. We should have seen all of his good qualities in how he treated Ice rather than seeing him basically treat her as a receptacle for his penis.

It's also possible the Guy Gardner I love I simply made up in my head.

Green Lantern #11 (April 1991)

This cover acts as if Guy Gardner against the Green Lantern Corps is a surprise.

I understand the interrobang used on the cover is meant to show surprise that another Green Lantern Corps exists and not that Guy Gardner has pissed them off. I'm pretty good at reading comprehension. I'm not bragging. I'm just stating a fact that the United States Educational System proved when I would take standardized tests to rate my reading comprehension and no matter what grade I was in, the test results would be all, "You are basically an 11.9th Grader. And also you are the sexiest third grader in America."

Here's an example of my reading comprehension from 6th Grade and not an example of my ruin everybody's funsion: one time, Stephen Chufaros was ecstatically going around showing everybody the dictionary definition of "fart." Everybody was laughing their butts off because the definition was "an explosion of gas from between the legs." I was all, "Can I see?" And then I read it and told everybody, "Oh, it says an 'expulsion of gas from between the legs which isn't as funny. You are all nitwits." After that, Stephen Chufaros was so unpopular that he never spoke to me again and only spoke to everybody else in class constantly and all the time. Ha ha! Jerk!

Maybe that was less a story about my reading comprehension and more a story about me just being able to fucking read a sentence correctly as opposed to Stephen Chufaros and all the other idiots in Mrs. Singer's class.

The Qwardian who supposedly died from purposeful spontaneous combustion didn't actually die. He just got some first degree burns on his face as punishment for being asked a question. I suppose your face erupting in flames is a surefire (ha ha!) way to stop you from helpfully answering questions unless the actual answer to the question is "Ah! Ah! Ow! My face is burning!" The Qwardians regroup to watch Guy Gardner and see what he does. They speak of their master as their "scarlet liege." That means it's equal chance of their master being either Sinestro or the Scarlet Skier.

That would be awesome if these clowns turned out to be the real Guardians.

Given an infinite amount of time and an infinite amount of space which, luckily, is exactly what are universe is (as far as the people who don't believe in God know, that is. As for the people who believe in God, they fucking believe in God. Why would you care what they know or don't know when their fundamental belief is just so fucking silly?), we have to expect every possible coincidence that could happen as having happened (or going to happen (or will have certainly have going to happen (you know what I mean))). If that theory holds true, aliens that look exactly like Earth clowns need no other explanation than a coincidence in an infinite time-space continuum. If you don't like that theory because I insulted your belief in an infinite magic being (which seems weird that people believe in an infinite magic being but can't believe in infinite space and time, right? One just seems like the status quo but forever; the other seems like something you'd read in your seventh grade boyfriend's Monster Manual), you could argue that the Poglachi's once visited Earth's past, planting the seed of the Clown Archetype into the mind's of men, which is how jesters and clowns and other irritating performers came to be. Or you could just shrug your shoulders and remember this is a fucking comic book written by a convicted sex pest.

A cosmic circus that looks more boring than an Earth circus? If their mission is fun, they're failing miserably.

If these Poglachi are the real Guardians of the Universe, does that mean that maybe Dick Grayson is a Green Lantern? I think that's how you know these guys are lying. If they were telling the truth, Dick would have a Green Lantern ring that he'd be using to make Green Light buttplugs for Babs.

Butt plugs are the most underrated of all sex toys. Go get one! Stick it up there and go about your day! Enjoy life!

The Poglachi declare that they give the rings to the most fun people in the universe so that they can go about teaching everybody else in the universe how to have fun. Which means they'd probably give one to me so I could introduce butt plugs to every cosmic civilization! I might cause a few wars sticking the butt plugs in the wrong holes on some aliens. But you'd have to imagine those would be pretty fucking weird aliens if I shoved a butt plug in their breathing hole. Gross!

Guy tries to force one of the Poglachi back to Oa so the Guardians can set him straight. When Guy gets violent, he's stopped by the Poglachi's Green Lantern Corps (like on the cover!).

Three, possibly four, of these Lanterns look fun. The Poglachi's lies are not holding together.

The Poglachi introduce each of their Green Lantern Corps in a way that somehow explains how they're making the universe a more fun place to live.

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might beware my power . . . Green Lantern's fleshlight!”

So giving the ring to a space incel so he can fuck green construct Real Dolls is fun? Sure, I see how it's fun for Hubba-7! But that didn't seem to be what the Poglachi were talking about when they expressed their mission. I suppose they're of the reality television ilk who believe that "inspiration" is some kind of actual purpose instead of just a vague piece of legerdemain to make yourself think you're actually improving the world. "If Hubba-7 got a ring and was able to fuck loads of fake woman then anybody could! It just proves that dreams come true if your dreams are sweaty little pornos that you'd never actually reveal to any other sentient being."

Patine uses the ring to constantly change her appearance. Fun! Thoom and Boom use the rings to beat the shit out of each other. Super fun! Skronk uses the ring to create back issues of rare comic books to add to his collection. Okay, that sounds like fun. Spudd uses the ring to watch old television sitcoms. Fun! For real this time and not sarcastic! These characters are really growing on me! Blorb uses the ring to create art. Unless it just creates flowers and sucks its fingers while looking at the flowers and also I suspect its fingers are actually its dicks.

Inspiring! We all would if we could! The most fun!

Merelda uses her ring to do some light cleaning all over the universe. How is that fun? That's way closer to actual Guardians of the Universe work! And the final member of the Poglachi Green Lantern Corps, the raccoon-looking motherfucker, flies around giving hotfoots to evil-doers. Just as I suspected when looking at him: a true hero of fun!

The Poglachi suggest that Guy would "fit right in with this group" which causes Guy to freak the fuck out because who would want to fit in with these wackos?! Sexless freaks who love comic books and television and trying to suck their own dicks? I mean...I mean...where the fuck is my ring?

Guy Gardner easily defeats all of the Poglachi Green Lanterns, leaving just Merelda. Just as he's about to defeat her, G'nort jumps in to help which allows Merelda to defeat Guy because, well, that's just how things go when you team-up with G'nort. Not that Guy wanted to team up with G'nort. That's just how things go when you don't want to team up with G'nort but he's, like, right there just dying to team up with you.

Guy and G'nort are captured, waking up bound in shackles in the anti-matter universe of Qward!

Good explanation. Terrible phrasing.

Guy and G'nort are taken to the Scarlet Liege to answer all the questions the Qwardians have about Hal Jordan and the new Green Lantern Corps being recruited and the Guardians coming back from their love shack. And the Scarlet Liege is none other than Sinestro! Of course! Why didn't I guess that?! I mean I did guess that. It was so obvious. But there's something weird about him so I don't think "the enemy is Sinestro" is as simple as that sounds.

He's massive now with loads of little Sinestro guys at his beck and call.

Green Lantern #11 Rating: B+. I enjoyed the "fun" Green Lantern Corps but they weren't utilized enough. A quick introduction, quicker defeat, and then it was off to Qward for some answers. No answers yet, of course! There's still one issue left to explain everything. The story began trying to find out how G'nort got his ring and ballooned up to finding out who made these fake rings and who appointed these fake Guardians and who would go through all this trouble making a ridiculous counterfeit Green Lantern Corps and what's their purpose? It seems to be Sinestro and he hates the Green Lanterns enough to try any stupid shit to get them off their game, I guess. But also, Sinestro is supposed to be dead and this Sinestro is weird with all the little flaking off Sinestros and Sinestro being twenty feet tall. This story is fucking weird which means I have no idea what the fuck will happen next issue. At least Guy Gardner was written well this issue. He seems to truly be interested in solving this mystery and stopping these cosmic fraud from continuing. Sure it's for selfish reasons. But the selfish reason is to prove he's the hero the Guardians believe he can be so is that really so selfish? Is it? I really don't know. I dropped out of philosophy because dopes loved answering absurd questions with even more absurd questions! It was like if my Calculus teacher was all, "What's the derivative of this equation?" and one of the students asked back, seriously, "What's the derivative of your mom?" And then another student would be all, "Do moms even exist or is the idea of 'motherhood' just a semantic development projected onto every generation of offspring in their need to survive?" And then another student was all, "Is the 'chalk' really 'writing' on the 'blackboard'?" And then I, trying to keep up, was all, "Why is the 'blackboard' actually 'green'?" And then everybody sneered and spit on my shoes.

Green Lantern #10 (March 1991)

Guy Gardner fucks dogs.

The argument could be made that Guy Gardner fucks alien women who look like dogs. But two things about that: 1. Guy Gardner clearly stated in Issue #5 that he doesn't fuck alien women because they're weird colors; 2. G'nort has consistently been played as being absolutely dog-like in his manner which suggests all beings from G'nort's planet are clearly humanoid dogs. Being that I never took debate, I'm surprised at how easily I'm already seeing points against my conclusions. Sure, these dog women aren't "weird" colors so maybe Guy would like to fuck them. But they are normal dog colors which leads me to suspect Guy is attracted to regular Earth dogs. The argument against my second point could be that no other alien of G'nort's species acts the way G'nort does because he's mentally disabled. These two bitches in the spa with Guy Gardner could be the most eloquent and charming dog ladies anybody has ever met. Also they're naked. Also also Guy is naked. Also also also there is a weird white substance floating around the top of the spa.

The best defense against Guy Gardner fucking dogs is this: "This is only the cover, Tess! Hold your fucking stupid horses you extremist buttfucker! You know how covers often lie!"

I was recently talking to my next door neighbor and the subject of some other tenants in my building came up. He mentioned how loud and vulgar they were and, as a point of clarification to express their vulgarity by repeating something they said, he simply muttered, "Buttfucker." That made me laugh so loud. When is the last time I heard the term "buttfucker" used as an insult?! Junior high?! You need to be an immature virgin or ex-military to think the term "buttfucker" is an insult! Once you're an adult who has never been in the military, if somebody called you a buttfucker, you'd be all, "You know it!" as you tried to conceal your sudden erection!

As evidence that I haven't heard that term used since junior high, I just searched my blog for the word "buttfucker." No results. I rest my case. I am a mature adult buttfucker. If the term had even once been on my mind past junior high, I definitely would have used it. Have you read the other 4,500 entries on this blog?

This issue begins with G'nort singing parody versions of Earth television show themes with Guy's typical reaction.

I'm beginning to rethink my constant defense of Guy Gardner.

Guy Gardner probably doesn't mind punching the dumb space dog in the face because the dumb space dog has a Green Lantern power ring so Guy knows he can't actually hurt him. Guy also probably knows that dogs are so needy and loyal that even if you punch them with a massive green fist made of light, they'll continue to want to be your friend. Poor little loyal doggies! I'm so sad now thinking about asshole dog owners and their dogs who just want to be loved! And I don't even like dogs that much!

Guy gets his first glimpse of G'nort's home planet where one of the continents is shaped like a massive bone. That's too unlikely to be a coincidence therefore, according to the logic of Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort, a doggie God created this planet for his loyal doggy creations. Also according to the logic of Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort, I am ignoring all other possible reasons why there is a continent shaped like a bone which would be more reasonable than a magic doggy daddy in the sky.

Evidence for Comics Gaters that they're wrong about their history of comic books via a panel from 1991 where Guy does not say retard like you know every Comics Gater wants him to.

I hesitated to write that caption because I'm not totally convinced that Guy won't utter the word "retarded" sometime during this four issue story arc. If that happens, I'm going to have to apologize to Comics Gaters, admit that they were correct about everything, and become a woman hating asshole on the spot, I guess.

The doggies of G'nort's planet greet him as a hero when he returns. He's more beloved than Guy Gardner. Probably because he tries his best even if he sometimes screws up while Guy Gardner doesn't want to try at all and simply wants to be loved and adored for being the hero that he most obviously isn't. Especially after last issue when he crashed a plane, set a fire in some fictional European DC country that's the last bastion of Communism, and smashed some New Jersey guy's house because he looked, to Guy, like a mobster. That's supervillain shit! Do the Guardians not care that they're sponsoring an Earth supervillain?! Maybe the whole point of this story will be Guy learning a little something about heroism.

Guy seems surprised when all the dog people who act totally like dogs begin sniffing his butt and crotch. Oh, DC doesn't show it that explicitly. But I, an astute reader of fine vintage comic books, understand what Gerard Jones was getting at (even if I hate typing the words "I understand what Gerard Jones was getting at." Please do not take that out of context!). Guy drags off G'nort in an effort to find G'nort's uncle and solve the mystery of how G'nort got his ring.

Now he's abusing G'nort just because he fell for G'nort's dad joke!

Guy Gardner learns that G'nort's uncle, G'newmann (from the planet G'newt), also has a Green Lantern ring. He uses it to make himself rich which, as far as me or Guy or anybody else paying attention to the Guardians of the Universe, seems to be slightly unethical behavior. He also uses it to get laid a lot but that's less ethically dubious because can't it be argued that all Green Lanterns, simply by dint of being heroic figures in the universe, use it to get laid? I don't mean they're all Warren Ellis using their positions to dupe women into lying with them fornically! I just mean they're impressive creatures! And being impressed by somebody sometimes leads to coitus! I should know. This one time, I impressed this girl, and she used one of my friends to get into my bed. See, she gave us both her number but I never called her. My friend Aaron did call her and so she started doing things with him. I believe he thought they were dating but she was just hanging out with him until she wound up around me again. Then she took the opportunity to touch my penis through my jeans. It was pretty exciting! It wasn't until much later that I realized Aaron thought I stole his girlfriend whereas I thought I was just having sex with that woman I impressed (and he knew I'd impressed her too! He said as much that night! He said, "Did you see the way she was looking at you? She couldn't take her eyes off you the entire drive home." That's what he said!) whom I just never called because I had computer games to play. Anyway, sorry, Aaron! I didn't look at the situation through your eyes because I was looking at the situation through my dick's eyes.

Guy's investigation stalls a bit as G'newmann gives him the runaround (which G'nort thoroughly enjoys!). He figures G'newmann will answer his questions eventually so he decides to stay for dinner.

They just served him feces, didn't they? Or vomit.

It's possible they also served him week old roadkill but I suspect Guy would have eaten that. Being served shit causes Guy to freak the fuck out and he threatens G'newmann with even more physical violence than he's been heaping on his nephew. G'newmann caves and gives Guy a mental image of the Guardians that gave him the ring. Guy doesn't recognize them but he knows Jordan will so he seeks out Hal 20 million light years away in his little Green Lantern recruiting bubble apartment. Hal explains to Guy that something has been giving the aliens he encounters a negative view of the Green Lantern Corps. Hal is confused by this but I'm just left thinking, "Maybe they encountered the Green Lantern Corps? They are basically a fascist organization!" Guy doesn't immediately think, "Maybe it's these jerks who have been giving out Green Lantern rings to total idiots!" But once Hal figures out what Guy is up to, I bet he'll put the pieces together.

I think the last time Hal met G'nort, Hal called him an idiot.

Jordan gives Guy detailed directions to the alien race he believes are pretending to be Guardians. As you can see, they're called the Poglachi and they look like clowns. I'm only typing that sentence because it's true. I scanned the previous panel so you didn't think I was making it up. Somebody believing I wrote that, even as facetious crap about a dumb comic book, would ruin my already lackluster reputation. I was so upset by that bit, I almost tore up my comic book immediately. But I desisted because this comic book might be worth two or three bucks.

Gross, guys. Arisia is like fourteen!

Oh double gross. I just remembered Gerard Jones wrote those panels. At least Guy, Hal, and Arisia are fictional characters so, really, I don't care if they have a space threesome. But it would have to be written by somebody other than Gerard Jones. Like Vladimir Nabokov, maybe. Or Stephen King.

The villains behind G'nort's fake power ring seem to be Qwardians. Maybe this adventure is how Guy makes the connections he later uses to get his own Yellow Lantern Ring. Except a fake one that doesn't run on fear because that's not a thing yet. It's just yellow so that he can beat the shit out of Hal Jordan easier.

Guy defeats the Qwardians but he doesn't recognize them immediately and he doesn't have time to question them before they're incinerated by The Red Heat. I guess that's what happens when a Qwardian fails at his job. But at least he's found the Poglachi encampment.

Was Pennywise a Poglachi?

Imagine the first aliens humans came into contact with looked like this. Somebody'd hit one in the face with a cream pie and spray some seltzer on another and they'd fucking decimate us with their clown lasers and balloon soldiers.

Green Lantern #10 Rating: C. Aside from punching a dog multiple times, Guy's characterization wasn't too bad in this one! He sought help from Jordan, he acted like a human being while speaking with Jordan, he begged Jordan for help, he bonded over eye-fucking a minor (oh wait that was part of the bad stuff! Never mind), and he actually said some nice things to G'nort. Those nice things amounted to "I hit you because bros hit each other out of love" so really it wasn't that nice. But G'nort loved it and felt included! So, you know, results matter, I guess. But the alien race of clowns named the Poglachi? Fuck that shit. Fuck it right in a clown's corn hole. Imagine the stupid honking every time you thrust into that festive mess of confetti and lube. You know how clown cars can fit loads of clowns in them? I bet their butts are like that! Except instead of clowns, it's dicks. I'm ending this blog post right now and I swear I am not going to search for clown porn now.