Justice League America Annual #5 (1991)

Guy Gardner looks like if Burgess Meredith, as an old man, was one of the Little Rascals.

Jesus Christ that caption! I'm sorry for every time I complained about your super fucking old references, Giffen and DeMatteis!

Based on Max Lord being hooked up to oxygen on this cover, and being that I'm as smart as Sherlock Holmes, I'm guessing this Annual took place during "Breakdowns." I'm reading it after finishing "Breakdowns" because I've been averse to re-reading the Annuals and the Quarterlies. They just contain too many pages! Plus this should really be read with all the other Armageddon books. I have Past Me to thank for none of the big event books ever being stored together. They're just scattered all over, some with the series they belong with and others just in random places because I never read the series they go with in the first place. I hate that I bought into this shit every summer! It was so expensive! Two whole dollars for this book! Outrageous!

I'm pretending I can see the faces of the younger generation right now who pay sometimes up to six whole dollars per book. That's not outrageous. That's fucking criminal. You can be reading a whole damn used book for that price! Sure, it doesn't have all the pretty pictures but you get way more value out of it. People always like to compare modern prices with prices from the past by running them through some sort of inflation calculator but let me tell you: no matter what an inflation calculator says $2.00 from 1992 is worth now in 2023, it was still way easier to buy a $2.00 comic than a $6.00 comic. Plus there were more pages: twenty-four versus the twenty you get now. Unless you get less? I have no idea. During The New 52, each comic was 20 pages which pissed me off at first. But then when I realized I had to write about every single one of them, I was glad for the lighter load of work.

If I remember Armageddon 2001 correctly (and I suspect I don't, memory being what it is and LSD doing what it does), the story was that some evil despot named Monarch was going to take over the world and murder all of the other heroes by 2001. That despot was an unknown superhero from 1991. A being named Waverider came back in time ten years to ferret out who the culprit would be and to stop them before they turned villainous. I won't spoil who Monarch turned out to be here because Waverider won't find him in this group of heroes. But it was Captain Atom. Just kidding! It was actually somebody else. Just kidding again! It was definitely Captain Atom except DC changed it part way through the story because all of the fans were casually discussing how Monarch was obviously Captain Atom. So I was kidding?

Anyway, how Waverider would discover who was probably Monarch was to divine their futures. But he was only divining possible futures so it wasn't really that effective. What it was effective for was creating a whole bunch of Elseworlds stories and What-Ifs! So much fun! Let's see what Waverider learned about these chowderheads.

Dramatic ironically, Waverider takes the form of Captain Atom so he can touch all the other heroes without raising their suspicions. No wait. It would only be "dramatic irony" if everybody reading the comic already knew Captain Atom was Monarch but nobody in the comic book did. Oh wait! It was dramatic irony because everybody reading this comic book had already figured out Captain Atom was Monarch! Unless the dramatic irony only rears its dramatic head now in 2023 as I read this knowing that Captain Atom didn't become Monarch which means I knew something the audience at the time thought they knew but ultimately did not (because DC editors cheated).

I'm confused. Let's just see what happens when Waverider touches J'onn J'onzz. Not like that, you pervs. They just shake hands!

In 2001, Martian Manhunter has become a guru high up in the Himalayas where he doles out wisdom to those who sacrifice everything in the attempt to reach him. One man, in Waverider's vision, ascends to the temple and asks J'onn the meaning of life.

I buy it.

J'onn obviously isn't Monarch and nobody would have expected him to be anyway. He's pretty much the only decent hero on Earth, aside from maybe Wonder Woman and Halo.

The next member of the League Waverider comes in contact with is Guy Gardner. Now there's a good candidate for Monarch! He's angry and filled with issues that he never confronts. Surely some day all of his trauma that he keeps bottle up inside will explode outward and he'll become an inhuman monster. Or more of an inhuman monster, I mean.

Guy's a girl?

That isn't really Guy, just a member of his cult. But it could have been Guy if Waverider missed the mark by 1000 years and was seeing the year 3001!

Guy's a girl!

In 2001, Guy has thousands of followers who all act like him and get their hair cut like him. He also loves fucking women who look just like him. Hey, I get that! I always knew Guy and I had a lot in common! At the big Guy Gardner rally (whose purpose isn't expressed. I guess to feed Guy's ego?), he's hit in the head with a sandbag from the rafters, cut by some mysterious person! This obviously turns him into Nice Guy Guy Gardner who his fans despise. His downfall is swift and I assume he's killed at the rally. So it must have been Monarch who cut the sandbag.

Waverider touches Blue Beetle next. Instead of seeing nothing at all since Blue Beetle has been murdered by Maxwell Lord by 2001, he sees a fat, balding Blue Beetle sitting in a tiny apartment watching television. As if Blue Beetle could ever be Monarch! He doesn't even have any super powers! How is he going to kill all the other heroes? I mean, Batman doesn't have any powers either and I wouldn't assume Batman couldn't be Monarch. But then I respect Batman.

I never thought I had what it takes to be a super hero until reading this panel.

Blue Beetle's life has gone to shit. He lost the rights to his own super hero name, tried to become the Stupendous Silverfish, and was laughed at by criminals due to his stupid costume and his flab. Bold call in 1992 by Keith and J.M. to know you could still laugh at fat people in ten years time. They probably assumed that would never change having spent their entire lives immersed in American pop culture where anytime a fat character was on screen, they were double fisting high calorie snacks and had chocolate smeared on their faces. Ha ha! What a great joke! What a time to be alive!

After realizing Beetle becomes too much of a loser to be Monarch, he moves over and touches Ice's inner thigh. Isn't Waverider worried that this inappropriate touch could be what sets everything in motion for Captain Atom to become Monarch?! He should be more careful! By the time he touches Captain Atom, he's going to see how his life fell apart when Ice sued him for sexual harassment and then Sue Dibny arranges to kill herself by having Jean Loring stomp all over her brain so that nobody finds out she's dying of cancer after fucking Captain Atom but that plan falls apart too because Waverider messed with the timeline! People say even the flapping of the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane so why can't touching the inner thigh of an ice goddess bring about the destruction of every DC hero?

In 2001, Ice is living alone in a small cottage with a dozen cats. So she made it! She's living the dream! The only problem is she hears about Guy's accident and how he was struck on the head. She rushes out to find him, knowing he'll be sweet and kind and asexual Guy Gardner. Why she loves that one, I can't fucking guess.

I wish this were a scene between Batman and Superman.

Waverider's vision is broken because Ice reacts to his forwardness.

Oh, I know what you felt! The same thing I feel when I get a boner!

Darn. Waverider probably learned he shouldn't touch the heroes so close to their no-no zones. That's too bad because I was hoping he was going to read Bea's future via contact with the inside of her butthole! Finger or tongue. Hell, I'd take a toe even!

Waverider approaches Fire next thinking about how beautiful she is and how that translates to her being the hero he most admired. Sounds like it's butthole exploration time!

Fire touches Waverider's chest and he sees her future. She's at Tora and Guy's wedding with her date, Oberon. Oberon asks her to marry him just as Ted Kord comes barging into the church to kick Bea's ass. It was her company who bought the rights to Blue Beetle and sued him to keep from using the name. He's so angry that he just might be Monarch! Except he's still just a powerless loser so nobody reading this comic book was thinking anything other than, "Monarch is Captain Atom. I fucking know it. All the clues point directly at him!"

Booster Gold arrives and Waverider reads his future next. But he shoots way past 2001 and reads Booster's future when he returned to the 25th century (or whatever time he's from) after he lost everything going into business with Ted. But while looking at all the displays in the super hero museum's 20th Century exhibit, he realizes something terrible happens to Blue Beetle in 2001. It's not revealed because Keith and J.M. want the readers to think Ted might be Monarch but instead of thinking that, we're all thinking, "I wonder if Ice and Fire every kiss while naked?"

Booster decides he has to go back in time to save Ted and realizes only Maxwell Lord can help him. Oh man! Maybe he read how Maxwell Lord shoots Blue Beetle in the face!

Sorry, no scans for Booster's future. We've got to move along quickly here! Chop chop!

Scott Free, Mister Miracle, is next although does anybody really care about that? He's retiring and passing on the mantle in 1991. Shouldn't Waverider be touching his protégé, Shilo Norman? Maybe it doesn't matter since Shilo Norman and half a dozen other Mister Miracles appear in Waverider's vision. Maybe because Waverider's abilities causes him to focus on the hero that is most likely to become Monarch, Scott's future vision is mostly about Blue Beetle and the trouble he's causing. He's been arrested for attacking Fire at Ice's wedding and now everybody thinks they're responsible for rescuing him. Sure would have been nice if they thought about rescuing their friend when he was down on his luck, lonely, and depressed.

Next up is General Glory. Why? Won't his alias, Joe Jones, be dead in ten years?

Well, he's ready to die but stupid Max convinces him to become General Glory again.

The General Glory vision becomes a Justice League vision as it's mostly about Maxwell Lord getting the Justice League back together and working for the United Nations again. The new team consists of General Glory as the leader and his sidekicks Guy Gardner, Ice, Aquaman, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, and two women I don't recognize. Beetle is still fat but I guess he didn't become Monarch or kill himself? Whatever was happening with him, I guess Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, Oberon, and Big Barda saved him.

Oh wait! There's one vision left: Maxwell Lord! This vision fills in the gaps of the effort to save Blue Beetle. Booster talks Max into mind controlling Bea to drop the charges and then he figures he might as well force her to hand over part of her business and then he decides to convince General Glory to lead the new JLA and then he almost certainly uses his power to get all of the new members to cut their hair like Guy Gardner. What I'm saying is that Waverider learned Maxwell Lord is still a controlling jerk ten years later.

The next chapter in Armageddon 2001 takes place in the Hawk and Dove Annual but I won't spoil what Waverider discovers there. I mean, he discovers nothing because Hawk isn't Monarch at all. At least not yet!

Justice League America Annual #5 Rating: I don't rate these things! The thing I find most interesting about this Annual is how Booster Gold never mentions what Blue Beetle is going to do if Maxwell Lord doesn't help him out. It shines an interesting light on what eventually became DC continuity. What if Blue Beetle was going to do something even worse than become Monarch? What if Booster Gold knew Beetle needed to be stopped by any means necessary? And what if minor things can change in continuity but major things are much harder to change. So at some point in the future, Maxwell Lord learns he must stop Blue Beetle but many other events have transpired and he can't get General Glory back. Fire isn't running a corporation that bankrupted Beetle. Ice and Guy aren't married. What if the only resource at Lord's disposal was a gun? And Beetle absolutely had to be stopped? Maybe Max Lord teamed up with Brother Eye not to become all-powerful and a Monarch of his own sorts. Maybe it was all a ploy to kill Blue Beetle before he does the horrible thing Booster Gold saw he would do! I'm pretty sure that's what happened and Max Lord saved everybody by being a huge manipulative fascist dick!

Justice League Europe #35 (February 1992)

I'm willing to believe those shells are exactly the same size as Power Girls areolas.

Justice League Kooey Kooey Koeey have been mind-controlled and sent to New York by Dreamslayer to murder Batman, Sue, Catherine, Ralph, and whatever other losers were deemed too weak to battle Dreamslayer. Some people might argue with that depiction of the team left behind because The Flash is one of those losers but I stand behind what I've written. I can't say I ever liked Barry Allen but Wally West was a fucking jerk for so long that I stopped giving a shit about him. I suppose I can believe that some writer turned his personality around and that's why so many people love him. Or I can choose to believe a lot of comic book readers love assholes. You can probably guess which of those I believe because my heart belongs to Lobo. And all personal experience can be extrapolated to understand all other people, right?! Tell me I'm right! I'm too old to be wrong about this!

The Comics Code Authority looked at this cover and looked at Power Girl's cleavage and looked at Power Girl's side boob and looked at Power Girl's underboob and thought, "Yep. This is okay. No drug or Dracula references! Approved!" I'm not saying I disagree with them in this case! When has under/side/over boob ever made the world a worse place?! Although when have drugs and Dracula ever made the world a worse place?! If the human beings are worse off due to boobs, drugs, and Dracula, I don't want to be a human being anymore.

Dammit! It's been so long since I did a Justice League Europe review that I forgot I was supposed to guess which line from Yeats' "The Second Coming" was going to be used as the title of the story! I forgot until I read the title, "The Ceremony of Innocence," and I was all, "Hey! I forgot I was supposed to guess which line from Yeats' 'Second Coming' was going to be used as the title of the story!" Do you want to see the picture they used to accompany the title? I know you do! It's pretty sexy!

Comic book artists shouldn't be allowed to draw women in pain or dying because it always just looks like they're about to come.

Once again, I might be judging the world through a skewed perception. Is it only me who thinks Silver Sorceress has taken a moment to get herself off here?

Oh man. I've been there before, Silver Sorceress!

I'm not going to go into the story where I wound up with blood all over my fingers because telling that story would be gauche and disrespectful. But I will say her parents were sleeping upstairs and I don't have any idea how we had the nerve to do all the things we did when at any moment her actual prison warden father could have come down for a glass of warm milk! No wait. I do know how I, at least, had the nerve. I was horny!

Justice League Kooey Kooey Kooey (composed of J'onn, Fire, Metamorpho, Rocket Red, Power Girl, Blue Beetle, and Blue Jay) confront Justice League Eurmerica (composed of Batman, Crimson Fox, Catherine Cobert, Sue Dibny, The Elongated Man, General Glory, The Flash, Ice, and Guy Gardner). Dammit! I forgot Guy was part of the "B" Team! I'm sorry I called you a loser, Mr. Gardner, sir!

JLKKK (Yeesh. That doesn't read well!) demands, in the voice of Dreamslayer, that JLE/A give their consciousnesses over to Dreamslayer. Batman is all, "They know who I am, right? Is this what disrespect feels like? I mean, I'm the motherfucking Batman! They think I'm going to surrender?! This Dreamslayer fellow needs to read a Wikipedia page about me or something!" Guy, on the other hand, says a bunch of shit that I understand, being that I basically said the same thing about him and the others a few paragraphs ago.

It's been so long, I don't remember how Guy broke his arm. Probably Despero or masturbating.

Guy decides to battle Power Girl which I don't think is a great idea being that she's practically naked and he seems to view that as some kind of opportunity. If Ice sees the way he's leering, she'll probably wind up in a coconut bikini knocking on his bedroom door at three in the morning after this is all said and done. And then she'll either fuck him or sever his spine, Joker-style. Do you think Ice owns a gun? I think she owns a gun. Probably bought one the second she moved to New York.

You know what else I forgot about having not read a Justice League comic book for nearly two months? How much I love Ice's butt! What can I say! I'm only human and into butts! One time when I was like twelve, my friend Bob and I were walking to a convenience store. Up ahead of us were a couple and the guy had his arm around the gal's back and his hand right up her butt crack. Bob was all, "Gross! That's not how you do it! You're supposed to cup the cheek!" But I was thinking, "Oh man I wish my hand were all up in there! And maybe some other stuff!" Is wanting to lick a butthole hereditary?

Obviously I mean a clean butthole! I only have acceptable kinks!

Back on Kooey Kooey Kooey, Dreamslayer (who is inside Max Lord's body) relaxes as he controls several members of the Justice League in battle. You'd think that would be his downfall. He might be magic but that doesn't mean he's great at multitasking. And who even really is great at multitasking?! Nobody, that's who. Sure, you can do several rote things at once no problem. But just try to do two or more things that really take concentration and brain power and you're just asking for trouble. No way you're going to retain anything about one of those things. Especially when you're doing it while fighting Batman! Fucking ridiculous, man. I once read a comic book where Nightwing rode a motorcycle up a vertical surface of a skyscraper and that was more believable than this shit!

Ice battles Metamorpho, Guy attacks Power Girl, The Flash beats on Ted, and Crimson Fox kicks the crap out of poor little Blue Jay while Batman does the Batusi in the background.

Actually, Batman is fighting an invisible J'onn J'onzz because even though J'onn usually forgets he can turn invisible, Dreamslayer remembered. Of course Bats use sonar so Dreamslayer is actually an idiot for thinking going invisible was a good move.

Dreamslayer realizes this battle is going to be tougher than his enormous ego first believed. While he's thinking of some way to better his odds, he's attacked by the leftover Extremist automatons being controlled by Silver Sorceress utilizing her last dying spell.

We never find out what Ice was planning to do with J'onn once he was between her and Batman because Dreamslayer loses control of JLKKK during his battle with the busted Extremist automatons. He leaves Max Lord's body to seek out the Sorceress and possess her so he can tap into all of her mystic abilities. Is it a trap so that he'll die inside of her while she continues to live as half a Knock-off Doctor Ock?

Once inside Silver Sorceress's mind, Dreamslayer must play by her psychic rules. That's just the way mystical brain combat goes, apparently. And in Silver Sorceress's psyche, she always gets to win. That doesn't seem fair but who are you going to complain to? Where will you get your evidence that Gerard Jones got his made up magical bullshit all wrong? The Bible? Oh wait. That's probably a pretty good source for made up magical bullshit. Fair enough.

Speaking of The Bible, if you like my comic book reviews and you're interested in theological discussions that rival the ancient Rabbinical masters and Christian masters, you should sign up for my Bible Study Patreon! Don't worry, they now have free tiers and I make all my posts public! You only have to pay for it if you love me and want to see me thrive and think art takes effort!

Wait a second. Does this color blindness thing explain why the Silver Sorceress's outfit is brown?

Is this really the end of him? She sort of fucked up last time which is why we had to have this battle. Also, is that belly window new? How have I not written lengthy, thirsty commentaries on it?

Max Lord returns to New York, healthy and himself once more. Except now maybe he's a little bit humbler, having had to watch so many Kooeyans die to his body, and knowing Silver Sorceress battled Dreamslayer to the death while he was absolutely useless. But we all know none of that looking inward shit will take with Max Lord! He's got a Brother Eye to conspire with and a Blue Beetle to kill in the near future! You can pull off stunts like that when you're taking stock of yourself and considering becoming a better person. That shit is hard. Better to just coast on the person the world sees you as and immerse yourself in your own selfish desires (like putting a bullet in Ted Kord's stupid fat head!).

Justice League Europe #35 Rating: B. I though Max Lord would take a more active part in defeating Dreamslayer. Or any active part at all! Instead he was helpless and, when you get right down to it, I'm glad that was how it worked out. Who needs Max Lord to be the hero?! He's just a dumb, manipulative business man. Silver Sorceress doing everything she needed to do and giving up her life to do it was probably the right call from a writing standpoint (even if it made the JLKKK vs JLE/A battle super anti-climactic). The threat was from her world and she already failed once to contain it. You'd think, "Why couldn't she do this earlier?" But they also pretty much explained her fears of Dreamslayer and failure and the possibility of losing another world held her back. Only when she knew she had nothing more to lose did she gain the confidence to defeat Dreamslayer. Also maybe she just needed to make sure one part of her world still lived: Blue Jay. Although he'll be dead in about twenty years when Tom King makes Wally West go off the deep end! Ha ha!

Justice League Europe #34 (January 1992)

This fight is still going on.

If Guy Gardner had left Lobo to do what Lobo was on Earth to do, this whole Despero situation would already be wrapped up. Some readers might think, "No way! Despero is way more powerful than Lobo!" But need I, as an impartial judge, remind those readers that Lobo is the fucking best and can beat the shit out of anybody, no matter what writer thinks differently and then writes a story where Lobo gets his ass beat? That isn't the fault of Lobo, the most powerful and sexiest character in the DC Universe. That's a fault with the writer not understanding just how spectacularly awesome Lobo is. I just can't see the logic of the Justice League members not wanting Lobo's help.

Maybe the way I do logic is faulty because I refuse to see anything from any other point of view than my own. I've been watching Fear the Walking Dead lately and in the second or third season when the father runs out of the Mexican vineyard locale to hunt down his psychopathic son in the middle of the night, the scene cuts to the morning or the next day where, I guess, he's been hunting him for hours. His feet are bloody and raw and it took me forever to figure out what happened. I was like, "Did he run through some glass? Did a land shark attack him? Did a roving gang of torturers grab him for an hour and slice his feet up with razor blades?" Eventually, I, a person who walks everywhere barefoot constantly, realized that was the writer's way of showing that he had run out in the night without his shoes and that's apparently what they think feet end up looking like after walking barefoot for several hours. I assure you it is not. But for whatever reason, the Fear the Walking Dead writers loved this aspect so in another season, a whole bunch of people get their boots taken and wind up with the most bloodied, messed up feet you've ever seen. Maybe in the zombie apocalypse, running around without shoes is tougher on your feet. Maybe I've simply trained my feet to survive the apocalypse better than most people. Like I said, my logic might be due a slight "not everything should be viewed through your own personal experience, asshole" tune-up.

I almost wrote, "Where was I?", but I know where I was: Lobo is the best!

Oh! Should I try to guess what line from Yeats' "Second Coming" Jones will use for the title of this issue where Lobo and Despero beat the space shit out of each other?! Do you think it'll be "The Blood-dimmed Tide"?! That would be cool, right?

Fuck it! I take all that shit back about my logic being faulty. I fucking rule!

My mom used to always get mad at me and say, "You always have to be right, don't you?" And since she was talking to an adolescent boy, she was right to take that tone because I was not always right at all! But I was quite adamant in thinking the things I knew were really the way things were. They often were not. Then in my early twenties, I had a girlfriend who once got angry with me after I was proven right about some disagreement we were having and she said, "Why are you always right?" See, she was angry that I actually was right all the time! But the only thing that had changed was that I stopped defending everything and only defended things I was pretty sure were correct. So maybe that made it seem like I was always right? Because I'd learned, after being a stubbornly adamant jerk teenager who was often wrong but wouldn't accept it, to be a lot more fluid about reality. I'd often say things like, "I think this is the case but I definitely wouldn't stake my life on it." But now as an adult, I'm always right because I have my own blog and you can fuck off if you don't like my opinions about how Lobo is the sexiest beast in space and Supergirl has the best bum across DC's infinite universe.

Sheesh, I don't even like myself now! Seriously, I don't fucking care about being right or wrong anymore. I think maybe all those whiny jerks who think kind is better might be correct. I didn't spend all those years reading Kurt Vonnegut and not learn a little something about kindness. I guess.

You all know my bravado is hyperbolic facetiousness filled to the brim with spontaneous whimsy, right? Does that come across in my writing? Because, really, I'm just a quivering blob of insecurity who can barely function in reality let alone on the Internet. My favorite place to be is on the couch with my cat's head on my cheek, both of us halfway adrift in slumber.

Last issue of "Breakdowns" ended with Flash, Booster Gold, and The Conglomerate about to attack Despero in an attempt to save Martian Manhunter. This issue will probably begin with DC having five fewer heroes than it did. That's how many members are in The Conglomerate if you didn't get the joke or couldn't do the math. See, they're basically amateurs and shouldn't be up against Despero. I'm saying they're going to die quickly.

Booster Gold, leader of The Conglomerate, yells, "Conglomerate, take him!" And boy howdy do they go at it terribly.

Why is Vibe's brother just massaging Despero's butt?

The Conglomerate are so bad at superheroing that even Booster Gold realizes, immediately, that they know fuck all about stopping a threat like Despero. Hopefully Booster Gold's force field has an infinite batterly life so he can simply keep his entire team inside of it for the rest of this issue. Or maybe they'll get lucky and Despero won't kill them because he doesn't hate them. Apparently he really only has hate for the Justice League and that's why he's on Earth. Because his hate must be expressed through an annoyingly long vocalizing process where he does nothing and finally, hopefully, ending with extreme violence.

Blue Beetle flies Kilowog, wielding a pocket-sized L'ron remote control to shut down Despero, into battle. What he does not do is get on the communicator to let everybody know there's a new plan that doesn't involve getting your skull crushed by Despero. Although the old plan of letting Lobo crush Despero's skull still seems like a good one! Hopefully the writers will eventually show why that's such a bad idea. Like maybe have a baby crushed in the fight which should make me change my tune and start screaming, "No! They should never have let the fight between Lobo and Despero get out of control!", but will actually just have me shrugging my shoulders and thinking, "Big deal. One baby. So what."

Judas Priest! We get it! You hate. YOU HATE!

Groot in The Guardians of the Galaxy movies has a larger vocabulary than Despero.

Blue Beetle lands enabling Kilowog to sprint into battle to save the day. He's surprisingly chummy with Lobo.

Why do I suddenly like and respect Kilowog even more than usual?

What story did I miss where Kilowog and Lobo became mates? I never read much Green Lantern at the time so unless I happened to see Lobo on a Green Lantern cover, I completely would have missed any issue with Lobo as a guest star. The above panel makes it feel like they were once college roommates who haven't seen each other for fifteen years.

Kilowog's device doesn't work exactly as intended. Instead of shutting Despero down, it replaces Despero's mind with L'ron's. L'ron now controls Despero's body and Despero's hate has simply dissipated among the residents of New York. So unnoticeable, basically. Manga Khan, watching from orbit, quickly teleports to Earth to take possession of his new L'ron-Despero unit, pay Lobo, and promise to Venmo some cash to help rebuild New York City. So all's well that end's well! At least with the minor Despero vs Lobo problem that had cropped up in the middle of the "What's going on with Max Lord?" plot line. It's all wrapped up nicely and not a single member of The Conglomerate was killed (which is disappointing). At least I got to gaze upon multiple panels of Lobo flexing his muscles and looking aggravated and enraged.

Speaking of Max Lord, he's now Dreamslayer and he's proper angry that Lord Havok was destroyed. His Extremists are well and truly dead so he needs a new army. Using his power (and probably a bit of Max's), Dreamslayer commands the natives of Kooey Kooey Kooey Island to destroy the Justice League. Not that he wants them to sail out and find them! Dreamslayer expects the League to figure out he and Max are behind Lord Havok's attack. When they do, they'll attack him on the island and fall right into his trap. Mostly because J'onn has really shown he's a terrible leader that nobody listens to. I guess Dreamslayer gets to be the final ultimate threat because there are only three issues left of "Breakdowns."

Justice League Europe #34 Rating: A+. The Justice League have now battled all of their major foes since this whole Justice League International began: the United Nations, Bialya, Queen Bee, The Global Guardians, Despero, Lobo, and Lord Havok. I think the only still living villains who they haven't had to face during this story arc (who can be categorized as villains and not reporters or cats or incompetent buffoons) are Starro and Simon Stagg. I guess they still have three issues to make an appearance!

Justice League Europe #33 (December 1991)

I love when the cover instantly lets me know the rating this issue will receive: A+!

Lobo and a Doom Patrol reference on the cover?! It's almost as if this cover were made for me! I say "almost" because Lobo still has his pants on.

I just had a terrible thought. Despero is naked and has no penis. Captain Atom is naked except for a thin silver laminate of radioactive material and has no penis. Booster Gold wears skin tight latex and has no penis. What if Lobo also has no penis?! My God! What if the only character in the DC Universe that has a penis is Doctor Manhattan?

I know, I know! Batman showed his penis in a Black Label comic book! But it was quickly taken out because DC canon is that Batman does not have a penis and he does not engage in cunnilingus. Which forces one to ask this question: "Why the fuck does Catwoman put up with him?!"

How come DC never put out a cereal called "DC O's" with little marshmallow Amazos, Desperos, Lobos, and Starros? Missed opportunity, guys.

Gerard Jones continues to mine Yeats' "Second Coming" for the titles of his "Breakdowns" issues this month with "Mere Anarchy." It's a good pull for a huge fight between Lobo and Despero but might I suggest "What Rough Beast"? I'm sure he's got that one in the hopper for an even more appropriate issue.

Monty Python's Flying Circus?

Catherine is, of course, screaming about Despero who has just destroyed Times Square like in another story with a character that actually has a penis (remember? I mentioned him earlier!). All the countries on Earth become united against the threat of an alien menace. Despero accidentally becomes the hero Ozymandias thought he was. Unless what actually happens is J'onn blames Manga Khan for losing control of Despero rather than blaming himself for selling Despero to an intergalactic flea marketer. J'onn also doesn't take responsibility for the Justice League causing this tragedy by making a huge enemy of Despero and then not killing him because Batman said that was bad. Look, you assholes. I'm not normally for killing in the name of justice but in an extraordinary universe you have to take extraordinary actions. I don't believe in God but if I were in the DC Universe, I'd be an idiot not to believe in Gods since they're walking around all over the place. In the same manner, I'd have to believe in killing in the name of justice if I were in the DC Universe because what else are you going to fucking do?! Unless Superman suddenly gave everybody access to The Phantom Zone, how else are you supposed to stop these maniacs from killing over and over again? And also, The Phantom Zone itself isn't a perfect answer as we've seen every time some Kryptonian villain pulls a Joker-out-of-Arkham and winds up on Earth killing regular people to force a confrontation with Superman. New York City Councilwoman Elizabeth Alderman knew the answer before anybody else and she was painted as a villain. But she was right! These heroes are a threat because their enemies always attack the public to get at the heroes, or start a huge cosmic brawl in the middle of the city just to—I don't know—punish their child or sister for not wanting to be evil or something (e.g. Trigon, Deathstroke, Mento, Blackfire).

Now, I don't blame heroes and I don't think they're responsible for the evil their enemies do. I blame lazy comic book writers who stopped trying to come up for criminal motivations for the bad guys and simply decided the main motivation of every super villain was to get revenge for the one time they were captured by the heroes. Obviously if the heroes are simply defending themselves, or defending the public from the threat of the villain attempting to get revenge on the heroes, they cease to be heroes. They have now become a huge part of the problem and the only sane thing to do if you're Batman (or the like) is to retire so that The Joker stops killing thousands of people twice a year so he can battle you. Okay, there is one more sane thing Batman could do: kill The Joker. But apparently Batman's zero kill tally is more important than all of the future victims of The Joker.

I guess I should also blame the medium of comic books which take place in a weird static timeline that never really reaches any conclusion and needs to milk the rivalry between long established characters. But that really just goes back to the lazy writers who can't be bothered to figure out a way for the heroes to discover the bad guys doing some bad thing so instead just have the bad guys leave a note for Batman or go on television and say, "I will kill five citizens every hour until the Titans give themselves up!" Then the Titans don't give themselves up because Dick Grayson would be all, "If we give up, the bad guy will just kill more citizens! We have to not give up and ignore all the people he kills so we can be praised later for saving all the people the bad guy didn't kill!"

I like to view these two panels as an homage to The Police's "Synchronicity II" and how they show the cop is the real monster.

Despero throws a DC Comics billboard at the police which is another metaphor of some kind which I'll leave to you to figure out because I'm still trying to wrap my mind around DC Comics existing in the DC Universe. I say "still trying" because Giffen and his cohorts love reference DC Comics within the DC Comics universe. I don't know how it works. Have they all signed away their likeness rights? Do they get to approve the scripts? Was that story about Guy Gardner meeting with Keith, J.M., and Andy not a parody and actually canon?

I like to view this panel as an homage to anal.

Why do all of these panels have me thinking about sex?

J'onn J'onzz, Sex Therapist.

Despero's naked ass has my mind in a weird place. It's so well formed with such a nice, defining crack and yet, no fruit and veg. Having no penis at all is more distracting than if they pulled the Austin Powers' thing every panel to hide what was obviously there. I don't want to live in a world where Despero doesn't have a thick hog.

Yeah, no idea why I keep thinking about sex.

I think I might be into hate fucking.

Lobo arrives. Or Lobo arrived and has been watching Despero beat the shit out of the Justice League. And why not? Let his prey tire itself out fuck fighting the Justice League before going in for the easy knockout. But before that can happen, Major Disaster creates an earthquake to not faze Despero at all and to destroy even more of Times Square. J'onn flies off calling him an idiot but, once again, I think J'onn really should be looking inward. He's making a lot of terrible decisions as the leader of the Justice League. I hate to think it but where is Batman?!

I've been wondering why this comic book was so thick as I've been reading it and I just discovered there's a whole Sonic the Hedgehog story advert slammed in the middle of this issue. I am not reading it.

Sonic looks like he has a bald man emerging from his stomach.

Every single member of the Justice League begin to complain about Major Disaster's fuck up but not one of them thinks, "The Injustice League was a huge joke and could never do anything right and even when we tried to steer them away from a life of crime they were defeated by some vampiric penguins and wound up unemployed and homeless. This is absolutely J'onn's fault." I hope Councilwoman Alderman shuts the Justice League down!

L'ron recognizes the mind control collar which adorns Despero's neck because he designed it. And he knows how to build a new control mechanism for it so he enlists Kilowog's help. But there's only one place to find the materials to make the collar on Earth and it is ... well, I don't know where it is because too many comic book writers like to build tension by withholding information. They think, "The reader will be on tenterhooks wondering what the characters know that they are not privy too!" More comic book writers should realize that the real tension is revealing the dramatic thing and leaving the story at the point of revelation. Then the reader is all, "Oh my God! Not that!" That's much better plotting than leaving the reader with "What? WHAT?! What the fuck, you stupid piece of shit comic book! Stop keeping the story from me!" They should read more Stephen King where he starts his books like this: "Nobody likes to think much about that night Carrie killed half the town." But they shouldn't follow Stephen King's lead based on at least his first four books which all end with the location of the story being burned to the ground. You'd think an editor might have mentioned that a little earlier. I say "at least" because I don't remember how The Dead Zone ends. But then his fifth book was Firestarter so I'm thinking maybe King just figured burning everything to the ground was his thing.

Booster Gold sees the battle on the news and decides to join the fight without his Conglomerate teammates. But I don't see how that can last because The Conglomerate were created for some reason. Put them in a fucking comic book already!

Finally, Uncle Mitch Wacky gets Lord Havok back online but only because he used parts from the other Extremist automatons. So at least The Extremists won't be a threat. It's just the worst of them (Lord Havok) and Dreamslayer in Max Lord's body. I'm pretty sure the Justice League can defeat Lord Havok. And Max Lord will probably defeat Dreamslayer in a mind contest.

Justice League Europe #33 Rating: A+. Not only is this issue an A+ but I already know Justice League America #58 and Justice League Europe #34 will also receive A+ ratings because I can see Lobo on the cover of both of them! The '90s truly were the greatest time to be a comic book fan!

Justice League Europe #32 (November 1991)

Another Giffen/DeMatteis old fashioned phrase usage.

In 1991, these guys must have been the oldest late-thirty year olds in the comic book business. Just try to hold them back from a reference that was at least fifty years old and much older than themselves. It couldn't be done! Editorial, who were probably twenty to thirty years older than they were at the time, must have loved these whippersnappers. "Good show, good show," they would mutter after reading a Giffen/DeMatteis script that referenced, in 1991, Mae West, Lou Costello, and the trial of Sacco and Vanzetti.

I understand that their references sound even older fifty years later because they are very much older now because that's the way time works and maybe I shouldn't complain because time was different pre-Internet. But culture speeds along so much faster in the Internet Age of the 21st Century that these references might as well be stone aged cave paintings. But also in the Internet Age, you can actually (if you're curious) discover where these references came from. But only if you're good at Internetting. I tried to figure out where "It's a doozy" came from but I'm no Thomas Pynchon. I don't have access to whatever time machine Pynchon uses to live in the age he's writing about so that he can be as historically accurate as he is. Plus I'm easily distracted so instead of discovering the phrase probably morphed from "It's a daisy," especially because a car ad campaign for a car whose name could be shortened to "doozy" made "It's a doozy" popular in the '20s, I immediately tripped over a Reddit post where somebody heard the phrase in some show and was all, "This is obviously a reference to Groundhog's Day." That post made me shit myself and vomit at the same time because my immune system has no defense against people on the Internet who recognize something from some other thing they're familiar with and instantly believe the thing they've most recently experienced was obviously an homage to the thing they were already familiar with. Half the time, they don't even check the dates and wind up asking Neil Gaiman on tumblr, "Was this moment in your book a reference to this other pop culture thing I know about it?" And then Neil is all, "Well I don't own a time machine so the thing I wrote which came out first couldn't possibly be a reference to that much older thing, you fucking idiot." Neil, being a polite person, always leaves out the "you fucking idiot" part but I know he thought it as he hit enter on his keyboard.

I also understand this is a Keith Giffen and Gerard Jones script so I probably shouldn't have even mentioned DeMatteis but what am I supposed to do? Not get confused about which comic book I'm reading when they're basically the same comic book and also involved in a lengthy crossover story? I am not a god.

That wasn't a reference to Young Guns because the pronoun is incorrect and I also didn't mention pulling any triggers. Just clarifying that for all the Internet pop culture detective narcissists.

This fucking issue is called "The Center Cannot Hold" because I told you it would be. Except I made a joke that it would be called a lesser line that nobody would give a fuck about or remember because that leans more to my hyperbolic and facetious carefree and whimsical attitude. I'd rather sound ignorant than correct. But the brain inside my heart knew Jones would use this line as the next title. I suppose the final issue of this "Breakdowns" thing will be called "The Falconer Lost His Fucking Falcon." Ha ha no it will be this: "Slouches Towards Bethlehem."

Jones wastes three of the first four pages with a flashback showing how the JLE came to live in a cave.

I guess showing how The Flash has rage issues, how Blue Jay and Silver Sorceress still don't feel quite settled, and how Metamorpho uses expressions I've never heard before was important thematically. Like if I eventually find out Rex Mason is from Pittsburgh, I'll be all, "Oh, that's why he says so many odd things that I don't understand! 'Get your daubers up' must be an old steel making expression!" Or when Blue Jay kills himself, I won't think, "He must have finally realized his power of shrinking and flying are the dumbest combination of powers to have!" Instead I'll be compassionate and feel sincere empathy for his loneliness! And when Wally West eventually goes to super hero therapy and winds up killing Blue Jay and some others, instead of thinking, "Tom King sucks," I'll think, "His unbridled rage and inappropriate sexual comments towards his coworkers finally got out of hand!"

Just to keep the record straight because most people have terrible reading comprehension, I don't think Tom King sucks. I didn't say or think that. That's a thing I just pointed out I wouldn't think because I read this issue of Justice League Europe which set up how angry Wally West could get! Also because I love everything Tom King writes because he isn't shackled by continuity and fan service. Also also you should always blame editorial and Dan DiDio if some writer writes something you don't like. As if Tom King or any writer at DC has the pull to fuck up any character they want! You think Johns wanted Blue Beetle to get shot in the face? Oh, you know what? Johns probably did want Blue Beetle shot in the face. Unless Judd Winick wrote that part. Although Max Lord didn't say "Again!" when he shot Ted so it probably wasn't written by Winick.

If you're looking for casual pop culture references that don't actually improve the current writing or make any sense really then that one was for you: a reference to the time Judd was on Real World: San Francisco and he was discussing his writing process with one of his dumb roommates. Man, I hope the dumb roommate he was talking to wasn't his future wife! I wouldn't want to insult his "Rachel didn't love me because she fell for that asshole puck so I guess I choose you" true love, Pam.

Christ. I just reread what I wrote. I'm such a prick.

Oh! The other reason to drag the story out was to rub J'onn's face in how the Europe crew all stuck together instead of throwing tantrums and disbanding.

Meanwhile in space, all the boring Manga Khan crap dealing with Despero being used as a world killing puppet but immediately breaking free and escaping to Earth after a potential buyer is killed while test driving Despero pays off.

Be still, my beating loins.

Even when Darick Robertson interprets Lobo as a Beelejuice/Art Garfunkel getting electrocuted hybrid, I can't get enough of him. Even though Robertson gave him a majorly receding hairline and Insane Clown Posse makeup and yellow peril mustache, my love endures. Especially when Darick draws Lobo's forearms so thick and veiny. I'm about to fill my underpants with love swoon.

I had an inkling that Lobo appeared in "Breakdowns" but I was worried it was delusion masquerading as hope brought on by my enduring love for this raunchy space clebel (clown + rebel). Plus he'll be fighting on the side of the Justice League to take out Despero. Is this when writers and editors realized Lobo's perfect fit was the unkillable, unbeatable anti-hero who is only fighting on the right side because the right person is paying him? Or was all that already figured out during The Omega Men and/or L.E.G.I.O.N.?

Ralph Dibny and his weird long neck should have been a member of the Doom Patrol.

Wally, Ted, and Ralph wind up in a hallucinatory landscape being led to a flying nose by a little guy with a bureau for a head. I don't know if this is Gerard Jones' attempt at being Doom Patrol weird or if he's mocking Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol as some kind of bullshit weirdness for weirdness sake. Maybe this was just Jones' attempt at writing Ann Nocenti dialogue. If it's the first one, Jones doesn't have the chops for impenetrable but alluring weirdness. If it's the second one, it's insulting to Grant Morrison to believe there's no rhyme or reason to Grant's use of weirdness. If it's the last one, he nailed Nocenti's dialogue. Five stars. No notes.

Just pages and pages of this unreadable swill.

I was excited for a Doom Patrol cameo but now I'm just sad and angry. To not be sad and angry and to maybe give Gerard Jones the benefit of the doubt, this entire scene was caused by a hallucinogenic gas used by The Chief to keep people from wandering into his inner sanctum. What better way to keep people out than to assault them with the dumbest characters spouting the worst dialogue you've ever read (assuming you've never read an Ann Nocenti comic book. If you have, just change that sentence to read "nearly the worst dialogue you've ever read"). Obviously anybody with an ounce of dignity would turn around and not put up with this level of shit writing. It's a really good security measure thought up by The Chief!

Inspector Camus, working as some kind of liaison for Justice League Europe now, investigates a disappearance from Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. It seems The Extremists (who were automatons from their previous world) were put on display in the museum. They were placed behind one of Booster Gold's force fields to keep them locked away and safe from causing harm. But they've either escaped, been stolen, or turned invisible because their display is now empty and the force field is still up. It's a mystery! But not as big a mystery as Batman and Robin's wax-work pose.

I didn't mean the mystery was what they were doing. The mystery is why somebody would pose them engaged in anal.

And finally, Max Lord wakes up from his coma after hearing Multi-man and Major Disaster discuss the United Nations walking away from the team. As if that were the entire reason for Max Lord's accident! If it was an accident. Is it physically possible for somebody to snipe themselves in their own head? Was that ever an episode of Mythbusters? Oh wait. Max can Manchurian Candidate people so anybody could have been the shooter, really.

Justice League Europe #32 Rating: A+. I may not be a great reviewer of comic books but I try to be consistent and since Lobo appeared in this issue, it's one of the best comic books I've ever read. Right up there with the last time Lobo appeared in a Justice League comic book. Or that time Lobo appeared in Action Comics. Or the time Lobo had his own series. Or that incredible issue of Omega Men where Lobo was introduced! So many A+ comic books out there. So weird how they all star Lobo.

Justice League Quarterly #4 (Autumn 1991)

I have never been more attracted to Ice.

Time for another fucking Quarterly! I know why I purchased the Quarterlies thirty years ago: because I was young, dumb, and definitely whatever the third thing is supposed to be. Also because I loved the Justice League. Although I am surprised I had an extra three dollars to purchase a quarterly issue every three months. Money was tight because I was fucking lazy. And now, thirty years later, I'm cursing my 19 year old self because my even dumber 51 year old self has decided to re-read all of my old comic books and write about them. If two aspects of myself at two different points of time were both morons, does the fact I'm a moron become a scientific certainty? Luckily that's probably not enough data points to draw a conclusion. So until more data comes in, I am, scientifically, not yet a moron.

The first story in this way-too-long comic book stars The Injustice League and is called "The Sunnie Caper" and makes me want to fuck Robin the Boy Wonder.

Well, not any of the boy wonders you're probably thinking of but this Carrie Kelley look-a-like.

The Injustice League hang out at a bar in New York that only serves super villains. The wait staff all dress like sexy versions of super heroes like Robin, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter. Probably Martian Manhunter. What server would look sexier than a woman in Martian Manhunter's crossed suspenders and speedos? If one of the wait staff winds up being dressed like J'onn, believe me, I'll scan that panel in immediately and then take a short swoon break. Never you mind how I define "swoon."

Major Disaster, Clock King, Cluemaster, Big Sir, and Multi-man are discussing whether they're good guys or bad guys. They were bad guys but it didn't pay because they were terrible at it. But then instead of getting their asses sued by the Justice League because they promoted themselves as the Injustice League, the Justice League hired them to work in Antarctica. But that fell apart when they had their asses handed to them by a bunch of vampiric penguins. Now they spend their time collecting unemployment checks and hanging around a bar debating their alignment.

Bruce, the member of the team who has no powers and does nothing and maybe is only a member because he rents the apartment where they all crash, turns the group on to a great opportunity: he's joined a cult and there's room for the rest of them too! For some reason, they don't leap at the opportunity to join the the Cult of Minister Sun. You'd think a bunch of unemployed losers all struggling with identity crises would jump at the chance to pester strangers at airports and malls for a place to live and a vocation which comes with a sense of meaning and well being. But instead, they decide to rob the cult because the heads of cults are always rich and also because robbing a cult would make them good guys and also because it would give them a sense of purpose. Robbing Minister Sun would solve all of their problems, the main problem being that they're broke assholes. I guess it wouldn't solve their being assholes but I also don't think they believe that's one of their problems. So fair play.

One of the main attributes of the Injustice League is that they can never succeed in anything they do. So they're about to get their asses handed to them by a group of weak-minded adults who can't function in society without somebody else telling them exactly what to do. That's me just lost all of my cult member and military readers.

"This is an 80-page comic book," I calmly explain to myself because I was just about to lose my shit about how boring the first fifteen pages are. "Sure, the writer could have skipped most of the scenes where the Injustice League discuss the heist and stake out the cult's compound. But he was probably told to pad out his story to fill another useless Justice League Quarterly," I whisper softly to myself as I stroke my hair and try to keep myself from screaming a final, existential scream into the void which my mind will never recover from. Panting, sweaty, heart beating too fast, I growl, "He could have at least made those extra pages funny."

These guys just turned up on page 15 which is the start of their story, making them way more interesting than the Injustice League with their 15 page set up.

Who are these guys? I don't know but I'll find out during the rest of the story! This is why that ancient old dude always said to start everything in the middle of the story. Because the beginning is all boring set up that the audience can extrapolate from the rest of the story. Like how Star Wars began in the middle because, as we saw years later, the beginning was all about some boring import tariffs being voted on by a Galactic Senate or something. I'd be more specific or correct but it was so boring that the only thing I really remember about going to see The Phantom Menace was the trailer for Fight Club before the movie. Star Wars was much better when viewers didn't know exactly what led up to the Clone Wars or what the Clone Wars even were, actually. All the soldiers were clones of Boba Fett's dad? Why?!

It seems some other villains have also decided to rob the cult. I hope those two guys are The Penguin and The Riddler! Unless they're FBI agents meant to be watching the cult to make sure they're not dangerous and have discovered the cult has tons of loot and intend to steal it themselves. Which is exactly what they are because I read ahead.

According to this story, the only power any of the Injustice League possess is the ability to throw knock-out gas capsules. And that's something just Cluemaster does. I know Major Disaster can cause terrible disasters which is a great super power but limits the situations where it can be used. Clock King creates schedules, Multi-man has mood swings, and Big Sir, while being strong, is just too stupid to be any use. If I were Cluemaster, I'd throw my capsule at my teammates and slit their throats at the end of this heist.

Fair enough. Cluemaster is shit as well.

This story is awful. The Injustice League fuck up but then things work out but then they get fucked in some other way but then things work out but then they get fucked again but then things really seem to have worked out only for them to get fucked super hard and the story ends leaving them where they were at the start: broke and starving. It's hard to judge exactly how original a story was when you're reading it 30 years into the future but I have to assume that this was trite, derivative garbage even in 1991. According to his Wikipedia, Will Jacobs, the writer, left writing soon after this to start a used book service or something. Good choice, Will. Except in 2014, he joined with his writing partner, Gerard Jones (uh-oh), to write a sequel to some book that made fun of Leave it to Beaver. Timely, that! I mean timely sarcastically in the sense that nobody in 2014 probably knew anything about Leave it to Beaver and also literally in that Gerard Jones was soon after arrested for possession of images of child sexual abuse. I'm sure Will Jacobs, his long-time writing partner, knew nothing about that at all. Wink, wink.

Saying "wink, wink" after a statement like that won't open me up to a libel lawsuit, will it? I just had something in my eye as I was typing and was trying to get it out!

After reading that story, I'm seriously thinking about taking my copies of Justice League Quarterly numbers 5-10 into the backyard and burning them so that I don't feel forced to read them. Maybe since they have nothing to do with Justice League continuity, I'll just leave them for after I'm done with the monthly issues. They really interrupt the flow of my other blog entries because they sit on my scanner waiting for me to continue reading them because I can only really read four to five pages at a time before I'm completely demoralized by the life my choices have led me to living.

It's strange insulting Will Jacobs' writing when I'm sure I was writing stupid super hero shit just like this Injustice League story at the same time. I suppose the difference is that I was 20 years old and not trying to publish my stories through anything but 'zines and Will was 36 and sold this garbage to DC. Perhaps the moral of the story is that I wasn't confident enough in my talent! And also that I wasn't the friend and writing partner of Gerard Jones who was currently working at DC.

The second story is called "Cracked Ice." It's written by J.M. DeMatteis and drawn by Darick Robertson so I'm expecting it to be average at worst. It begins with a double date at a New Age open-air market.

Fire's personality is quickly being reduced to "blow job queen."

Ice probably doesn't actually want to hear the end of Guy's sentence. "It's amazin' the things a man'll stoop to when he's into sucking ice cubes out of a goddess's asshole."

Guy Gardner bullies a guy selling pyramids containing the spirit of an ancient astral guide because nobody ever stops him from using his power ring to be a huge dickbag. How the fuck does Guy get to keep his ring (or his job with the Justice League) after all the bullshit terror acts he commits on regular people he personally despises? Shouldn't the Guardians be monitoring abuses of the universe's most powerful weapon? Or are they too busy fucking Zamorans and scolding Hal Jordan? At the very least, J'onn should fire his ass. Oh wait. J'onn did fire Guy's ass. But only after he turned his vitriol and abuse on one his teammates. Seems like it's okay for Guy to throw citizens around in the air using his ring whenever they espouse an opinion that goes against Guy's beliefs but sucker punch Ted Kord and everybody freaks out. Maybe if y'all had come down on Guy when he was treating regular people like shit he never would have turned on Ted. Besides, Blue Beetle probably needed to get sucker punched. It's all fun and games while Despero is destroying New York right up until Guy Gardner calls you fat, I guess.

Even Fire gets in on the bullying using her powers.

Why did they even come to this New Age fair if none of them believe in this shit?

Oh, right. Tora believes in it. Or she wants to believe in it. Or she will totally believe in it when she's suddenly possessed by the astral spirit guide later which will hopefully kick Guy, Fire, and Oberon's asses for not believing in this bullshit. Look, we all know it's bullshit in our reality. But this is comic books! Stop pretending demons, angels, and Ice Goddesses don't exist! Atheists are the delusional people in the DC Universe.

Hopefully you deconstructed the phrase "Atheists are the delusional people in the DC Universe" so you understand I only said that to not say the thing I didn't say there.

Only kittens and people I'm fucking ever look at me the way Oberon is looking at Guy here. And Oberon is not a kitten.

The spirit in Ice's cracked crystal possesses her, turning her into a huge silver naked lizard lady. Lizards don't have breasts though so even though Ice's lizard form has breasts, it wouldn't make any sense to include the best part: the nipples. Maybe other reasons exist why Darick Robertson didn't draw nipples, probably the same reason he didn't draw any labia.

Editorial probably forced Darick to add the tail so I wouldn't jerk off to this. Not that it's a deal killer.

Luckily my memory sucks so I really have no idea whether or not I masturbated to that panel. But knowing my history of jerking off, well, I mean, there's a good possibility. Also, I didn't mean to suggest that the tail would somehow dissuade me from jerking it to this panel. You should see all of the weird monsters in the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual that I used as porn. I just mean that without the tail, that shot of Ice from that angle would more than do it for me. The only thing better would be if the shot were from behind!

Gross. Enough about my unbelievable sexual history. Is self-gratification included in a person's sexual history? It should be just so it would take more than a Post-it note to archive mine.

Coming along to help the Justice League are two characters from Giffen's Dr. Fate run: some guy and a demon. They have a book that tells them how to defeat every single demon from Hell. They just have to figure out what kind of demon Ice has become by reading the entire book before Ice destroys New York. My guess is that Ice will be saved by somebody chanting the words of the reading Ice received earlier from the channeler whom Fire scared the shit out of. If only the Justice League had remembered that they live in a fantasy comic book world maybe they would have taken the New Age street vendors more seriously.

It turns out I'm wrong! The demon, Petey, from Dr. Fate recognizes Demon Ice's language and talks the demon into leaving Ice and going back to Hell. I sure hope the anonymous commenter from my Justice League International Annual #1 review wasn't reading this. I'd hate for him to get apoplectic about me speculating on where the comic book was going instead of somehow knowing before reading it where it was going because people being ignorant online makes him so fucking angry! I don't hate may people but boy do I hate that dude! I made an erroneous bit of speculation at the beginning of the review which I called myself on for being wrong at the end of the review and this twat gets pissed that I would even speculate on something that I should have already known by reading the solicits for every comic book DC publishes. What a fucking piece of shit wanker! Why would I read solicits and spoil the whole concept of my blog where, as a Grand Master Comic Book Reader, I attempt to (and almost always succeed) at guessing which direction plots are headed! Man, I feel sorry for the friends of that guy!

Holy shit! This moment really should have been in the regular series! Imagine all the cheapskates who missed out on it because they didn't purchase this issue or read the solicits!

The issue ends with several short "Cat Tales" stories about Power Girl's cat. One is about how picky cats are with their food. The other is about how cats break everything when a mouse gets in the house. One is about how dangerous it is to bathe a cat. And the final one ends with the cat falling asleep with its face in a stinky shoe which was the most realistic out of all the cute stories. The cat still doesn't have a name though.

Mr. Bigger's crew obviously didn't know much about cats when they came up with there plan.

Justice League Quarterly #4 Rating: A. Please, this rating surprised the fuck out of me too but I thoroughly enjoyed half of this book. I hear what you're saying: "Shouldn't that mean the comic gets no better than a 'C'?" Maybe if your letter grades aren't entirely arbitrary the way mine are. Plus, this issue was the issue where Guy and Ice officially become a couple! Also it has four stories about Power Girl's cat! And even though they're all based on cartoon premises, they're still pretty true to the nature of cats! I loved them all very much! Plus Darick Robertson drew that pornographic image of Ice as a naked demon! Plus I ripped out the Injustice League story and burned it! So the rating of 'A' only applies to my personal copy.

Justice League Europe #30 (September 1991)

What is Ralph so shocked by? Jack's humongous boner?

Justice League America lost two members in the last capter of "Breakdowns" but also hired two more Looney Tunes' variants (Taz and somebody they can say, "What's up, Doc?" to). Hopefully Europe gets two more new recruits as well this issue to replace Captain Atom who is worth three heroes and The Elongated Man who is worth negative one hero. By my "how many heroes is a hero worth math," Justice League Ex has only three members (Captain Atom equals 3, Ralph equals -1, Ice equals 1, and Blue Beetle is worth 0). That means they should be able to hold their own against the Global Guardians who have a net Hero Tally of -5.

This issue is called "The Widening Gyre" which means it's super intelligent and artsy. I still love "The Second Coming" but I have to admit, the part in The Sopranos where Anthony Junior becomes obsessed with it seemed prescient. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention at the time and the worst people in the world were already obsessed with it and showing their ignorance by quoting it in situations where they thought they were making a point but they were really exposing how ignorant they were. I just recently watched The Sopranos for the first time so I first began to realize loads and loads of people were quoting "The Second Coming" when that shit pile of rancid maggot shit television show Heroes used it. I've since seen it used in other various places but fuck if I can remember where. My main memory of the poem first being used by a clueless individual was when my friend Soy Rakelson, who was always full of passionate intensity, began quoting the lines about the worst people being full of the same while the best lacked all conviction. It always made my head hurt. Anyway, I'm no Yeats scholar so even though I love the poem, I know I'm missing a ton of meaning in it because that guy's entire oeuvre was basically a cypher full of his own metaphors and symbols. People love "The Second Coming" because all the words seem to make some kind of mysterious sense (plus it has some of the best poetic pull quotes in the game) whereas a fuckton of Yeats' other poems just leave your brain struggling with the sudden realization that you are the dumbest person on Earth. Also "The Second Coming" has the line, "And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born." Fucking kick ass, man!

This issue begins with a British news correspondent describing how Max's "brain was savaged by a bullet." Take it easy there, British cowboy! He continues, refusing to take it easy, with, "His Herculean energy and personal charisma lost to a coma." Jesus fucking Christ, dude. I'm glad he's outside the JLE embassy reporting on Lord's condition rather than in Max's hospital room with his tongue up Max's comatose asshole. The correspondent continues by describing what has happened in the previous chapters of "Breakdown," making sure to remind everybody who was fired and who was hired.

Good recovery, news anchor, because you wouldn't want the public thinking the Justice League just hired a pedophile.

You know who else shouldn't want the public thinking they hire pedophiles? DC Comics. But I suppose they didn't know what Gerard Jones was into when he wrote this issue. I should give everybody who worked with him the benefit of the doubt even though it's hard to believe you can work closely with a guy writing comic books and not realize he's a creepy fucking weirdo. Oh, wait. Writing that clarified for me why nobody probably noticed being that everybody in 1991 who was into comic books was a creepy fucking weirdo. As a man, I speak only of all the fans who were men. Let women comic book fans from 1991 judge whether other women at the time were creepy weirds. My guess is they were a well-bonded sisterhood protecting each other from all the creepy dudes.

I wanted to make a Magic the Gathering joke there but Magic didn't exist in 1991. Before Magic came on the scene and all the nerds would gather at conventions in hotel lobbies and sit in parking lots playing the same card game, they would gather in hotel lobbies and parking lots playing niche board games like Fireball Island or The Dark Tower or Crossbows and Catapults. Man, us creepy weirdos really lost something with the onset of Magic the Gathering.

Back in Bialya, Queen Bee rages about Captain Atom's plane exploding. She realizes somebody is trying to frame her so that Bialya winds up on the losing side of an international incident. And by the way she screams at Jack the Lantern, I think she knows who is behind it.

That's the glare of a woman who knows you're fucking around behind her back. Not that I, the perfect person, would actually know what that looks like.

I don't mean to come off as self-righteous! It's easy to be the perfect person who never fucks around in a relationship when you're a massive hermit who avoids social situations and genuinely despises other people. Unless a woman came into my apartment and stripped me naked and made passionate love to me, preferably while I was sleeping, it would never happen. That's not just a statement of fact but a hint to seducing me!

Jack flies off thinking he's the king of the con. He believes he's got Queen Bee fooled when she gives him control of the Global Guardians to discover who is trying to frame her. Seems like the height of overconfidence. It's a good thing this isn't the original Jack the Lantern because that makes him easier to kill later in the story. Although the creative team didn't hesitate to kill the original one either. I think every single Global Guardian has become disposable chaff to increase the drama.

Justice League Ex, having fallen for Jack's con, arrive in Bialya to get to the bottom of Max's shooting. They disguise themselves as employees of Ms. D'aramis, the Crimson Fox's wealthy alter ego. This same plan to infiltrate in disguise didn't work last time when Bruce Wayne was the brains behind it so my guess is that this time they will all immediately be shot in the face while trying to get through customs.

I forgot Manga Khan was involved in "Breakdowns" as well until he gets his one page update scene. He's selling something he's calling a "World-Raper" to a bunch of sad sack aliens. I don't know what world they're considering raping but it's probably Earth. This scene doesn't identify what the "World-Raper" actually is but it's probably Despero (even though I was hoping Lobo was going to be part of this). I never thought about it before this but maybe Manga Khan is modelled on Marv Wolfman, what with his obsession with creating things that rape other things. "Manga Khan" does sort of sound like "Marv Wolfman" if you've just drunk the blood of a poet and sat on a cactus.

I love to sit on my hands!

Justice League Ex was built around dozens of faults but maybe the largest one is having to rely on Ralph Dibny. That fucker can't go thirty seconds without stretching his neck twenty feet so how is he supposed to keep up a disguise? Unless he's currently slithering around in the walls like an elongated tapeworm, he's probably been made by security and sitting in a Bialyan jail waiting to be shot in the face. While Ralph is out slithering like a disgusting wall eel, Blue Beetle surprises everybody with his technological savvy as he sets up a machine to confuse Queen Bee's listening devices, as he remembers she bugs everything in the city. Blue Beetle surprises me by misspelling his name "Ted Cord." I know it's in a speech bubble so technically he didn't misspell it. Technically Willie Schubert misspelled it. Unless Gerard Jones misspelled it and Willie Schubert simply transcribed the error and every single editor didn't notice. But I fucking noticed because I'm a petty bitch.

Eventually, Ralph returns.

This picture is now the grossest thing on the Internet and yes I know about Tub Girl and goatse.

Ralph reconnoitered the space beneath the hotel and discovered the secret tunnels Blue Beetle remembered from his first (or second?) visit. They're full of electronic eyes and ears but Blue Beetle has a gadget which can temporarily disrupt them. That way, nobody will know where Justice League Ex are headed! Unless they follow the trail made by all the gadgets being disrupted in a linear manner. Also Queen Bee probably already knows they're in the country anyway. It's only a matter of time until the face shooting begins

The team follow the tunnels until they're under The Dome, the headquarters of the Global Guardians, because Beetle's theory is that the shooter was a metahuman. When did Beetle become the master investigator? Isn't Ralph Dibny supposed to be the one who solves mysteries? Or does he just like twitching his nose at them?

Meanwhile, Inspector Camus winds up kidnapped by Mister Bigger and his hero-secret selling corporation. He gives him evidence that Queen Bee controls Heimlich with her brainwashing abilities. If that's true and Queen Bee is using the assassination attempt on Max to install one of her lackeys as the head of the Justice League, she's absolutely fucked by Jack and Sumaan's plan to frame her for the murder. Why wouldn't everybody believe she was behind the murder attempt when she's the one who benefitted the most from taking Max Lord out?

Using the secret tunnels, Justice League Ex stumble upon the Global Guardians.

Gross. No way their bodily functions stop just because they're in Queen Bee's thrall.

While investigating the Global Guardians' meeting hall, Jack Lantern and Owl-Woman wander in. A fight ensues which begins with Owl-Woman being frozen and never actually entering the fray. Jack Lantern holds his own against the +3 Hero Tally (Maybe +4 because Crimson Fox is there) which means Jack Lantern has a Hero Tally of either 3 or 4 all by himself. The rest of the Global Guardians' Hero Tallies really drag his down though to make the entire group a -5.

The battle ends when Captain Atom dodges one of Jack's blasts which winds up killing Mermaid.

At least this causes the Global Guardians' Hero Tally to go up to -2.

What did I say earlier about the drama of this story getting raised by the death of a few Global Guardians? I haven't called myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader in quite some time, mostly because I read this series thirty years ago and it would seem unfair to point out how great I am at predicting what's going to happen while reading a story I'd read before. But fuck if I can remember anything. I can barely remember personal memories. How the hell am I supposed to remember something that happened to a member of the most boring DC superteam thirty years ago?! Of course I didn't remember Mermaid dies. I didn't even remember they had somebody named Mermaid! And she was just mentioned several issues ago!

Jack Lantern, of course, reports to the Queen Bee that the Justice League Europe just murdered Mermaid. Queen Bee says, "What are you babbling about? Your up murdur mermay?" Europe murdered Mermaid is the Rural Juror of Justice League Europe, especially when spoken by an Irish guy to a Bialyan woman.

The rest of the Global Guardians come out of their trances ready to beat the shit out of Justice League Ex. I wonder if Mermaid comes out of her trance just in time to feel her life slip away? Hopefully she died instantly. With Mermaid dead and Tora in shock having seen an old friend murdered before her eyes, the fight between the Global Guardians and Justice League Ex could be a toss-up.

Queen Bee alerts Heimlich personally that he needs to send the Justice League to come collect their Justice League. L-Ron, being on monitor duty when the message comes in, becomes suspicious that Queen Bee and Heimlich are in direct communication. But being that he's only a little robot from outer space who nobody pays much attention to, L-Ron decides to keep the information to himself. Too bad nobody thought to befriend the poor little guy.

Justice League Europe #30 Rating: A-. I almost gave this issue a B+ but then I remembered, because of this issue, there was one less Global Guardian in the DC Universe and I smiled a smile I save for the most satisfying moments in life. Don't you dare try to read into that statement too much because I assure you, my life is full of satisfying moments like that! Moments where somebody else feels the brunt of a dark and uncaring universe while I manage to somehow remain unscathed once more. "At least it wasn't me!" would be my family motto if I hadn't realized at a young age just how dark and uncaring the universe is and I wasn't willing to bring another sentient being into existence to experience it. What kind of hypocrite would I be to create a life while I still harbor anger and resentment towards my own parents for creating me?! Ha ha! I just remembered the sound effect "SPLACH" and got a little boost of joy! Man, comic books are fucking awesome.