Monday, February 27, 2017

Scooby Apocalypse #10

I didn't know they made one piece chain mail tunics for women.

On their podcast, Athletico Mince, Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson do this thing every episode where they imagine what Steve McClaren has been up to during the week. Since it always makes me laugh, I thought I would try it out myself! But nobody reading my comic book blog would know who Steve McClaren was, so I decided to do one of Cullen Bunn. Apparently Cullen Bunn's jerk friend who always sends anything I write about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn sent the thing I wrote about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn because Cullen Bunn had a reaction to it.

I can't believe I nailed it! I mean, he certainly didn't deny any of it. His wife even Tweeted about how they keep plastic spoons around the house because they don't stick as well. Which, frankly, seems like a huge lie (probably to cover up some sordid conspiracy). I would think the plastic spoons would stick to a penis much better than the metal ones!

I just want to clarify one thing: I don't love Cullen Bunn so much that I hate him. I neither love nor hate Cullen Bunn. What I did hate was Cullen Bunn's writing on Twat Lobo and Aquaman. You know, just to clear things up! I would also like to point out that I never @'d (is that how you say that?!) him via Twitter and only tagged his name on my reviews for archival purposes. I have done the same for many other writers and artists. Occasionally if I say something positive and I also think it's incredibly clever, I'll tag the writer on Twitter so they know I'm available at any Portland Con if they need a little digital and anal manipulation after Con hours. I'm not looking at you at all, Tom King. I'm looking at your cock.

I almost wrote my Steve McClaren bit using Scott Lobdell but at the last second, I thought, "Scott Lobdell never flipped me off via the Internet!"

More clarification! Cullen Bunn had every right to flip me off via the Internet and even in person! I was not kind to his writing. But I assure everybody involved, I would never be not kind to his face. Just ask Scott Lobdell when I had him sign my Big Book of New 52 First Issues! I totally didn't tell him I was saying horrible things about his writing on the Internet!

Hopefully, judging by the tone of Cullen's tweet, he understands that I harbor no ill will to any writers or artists of comic books and he'll apologize to me for writing Twat Lobo.

The Review!
Aha! I knew that chain mail on the cover was historically inaccurate!

Much better!

My knowledge of medieval armor consists mainly of three dozen Red Sonja comic books. But don't think I know better than to trust a single source for my information. I've also researched the topic in the pages of Cerebus where it completely backs up the facts from Red Sonja.

Velma ran away from the Scooby Gang last issue and now she's the warrior queen of Monstrovia. Did I miss issue 9.5?! This must be somebody's wet dream. I have theories about who that somebody is but I'm a little embarrassed about having that dream. So it's, uh, probably Fred.

Oh, before I wrap this up with "Yep! It was just a dream! A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!", I should also mention that Magilla Gorilla makes a cameo.

Definitely a dream. I don't think Velma is actually this fit or well shaven. Don't get me wrong! This Velma is great! But I still prefer the one I had to conjure in my head because she wears about six yards of orange cloth made into a turtleneck. Although I suppose when you wear chain mail against your naked skin, you'll be hairless before long. Ouch!

Yep! It was just a dream!"

"A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!"

The Ranking!
No change! What? You think I'm going to approve of a fill-in issue?! Even with Velma in a chain mail bikini, forget it!

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