Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book Two

At first I thought the forbidden love would be buttsex but it turns out it's lesbianism. I'm not disappointed.

• The back cover has a picture of Deadman looking perplexed with a quote underneath reading, "I don't know what comes after death." Answer: Death's wife!

• The story so far: a man in the olden times had a wife who wanted to fuck another woman but he was all, "No way! Forbidden love!" And she was all, "Oh yeah! Forbidden love!" And he was all, "You will haunt this house forever with your sexy woman on woman hauntings because I feel emasculated by this and also I have this gun!" And she was all, "Good! I'd rather be dead than to lie with you!" And he was all, "Oh my god! I didn't think I could be emasculated more while threatening a woman's life with my surrogate phallus! I should have all the power!" And she was all, "You have no power here!"

• Later, a woman named Berenice who is going through the same issues as the dead lesbian in the white dress moves into the mansion with her husband. But Berenice is all, "My husband is a bore and I want to fuck Sam the genderqueer lesbian neighbor! And also I hoped I used the terms 'genderqueer,' 'lesbian,' and 'neighbor' correctly!" Deadman arrived because nobody would buy this comic book from DC if it didn't have some kind of link to DC Continuity! Also I think the writer wanted to discuss the inappropriateness of his entering people without their consent. Why not ruin that fun little comic book detail with modern thoughts and awarenesses?! Now every time I see Deadman possess somebody, I'm going to think he's raping them.

• This issue begins with Deadman in some purgatorial space with the ghost in the white dress, Adelia. Deadman merges with Adelia but not in the boinking kind of way I was hoping for. Instead he smashes his face into hers and learns some of her memories. Wait a second. Is smashing your face into somebody else's face boinking? I don't think it is because I didn't feel anything stir in my pants.

• Deadman and Adelia learn that she was stabbed to death. That's different than how I said earlier because I wanted the murder to include the phallic imagery of a gun. I suppose I could do the same with a knife since it's built to penetrate and is often used to do so violently. That's practically a penis.

• After discussing what it's like to be dead and filling Deadman with doubts as to his superhero status (he realizes he's probably just another ghost angry at having been murdered and refusing to move on as opposed to a tool of Rama), Adelia and Boston return to the physical realm to see if Berenice has realized that this story is about lesbians.

• Berenice has been going through Adelia's stuff for days while Deadman was off in purgatory. She's discovered some clues to the Case of the Forbidden Love but she doesn't get a chance to mention them because her husband walks in. Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally, hmm?!), the evil ghost appears at the same time and drives Deadman away and Adelia into a dead faint. I didn't want to use "dead faint" there but it couldn't be helped because I wanted to be as accurate as possible in my describing what happened. I wish what I could have said was "Adelia removes all of her clothes and shows Berenice where to put her tongue."

• Nathan, Berenice's husband (or fiance. Whatever. It doesn't really matter), just stopped by to say how he knows it's been a long time since they fucked but he's really into his writing right now. And Berenice is all, "That's okay! I'm really into Sam!" Then the evil ghost probably snickers in the shadow and rubs his hands maniacally because he gets to see the forbidden love story repeat itself.

• Berenice leaves the house to go find more clues about the Case of the Forbidden Love. Before she leaves, she and the ghost, Adelia, almost fuck. I mean, they looked at each other a certain way and their lips were really close together and that means they want each other, right? That's how it always begins in movies. Oh, and, um, in my life when I had sexual relations with all of those women at camp.

• That was the end of Chapter Three from Deadman's perspective. Chapter Four follows Berenice as she goes into town to look for clues and hopefully have sex with Sam.

• Berenice walks into town thinking about how people make poor choices which begin a process of ruining the rest of their lives as they chew on that regret. That's the kind of thing a lesbian who married a man might be thinking, especially now that she's fallen in love with her genderqueer neighbor and begun investigating the Case of the Forbidden Love. When I'm walking alone at night, I often think, "Sex will be so cool when I finally get to do it! I mean, if any psychics are listening, the main character in the story I'm writing gets to do it! He can't wait to do it! To do it really good! Probably!"

• Berenice doesn't find the conclusive proof that Adelia's husband killed her because she was into Forbidden Love. While she's in town, she decides to stop by Sam's Antique Shop because she hasn't flirted with Sam since Deadman appeared.

• Sam says she's non-binary. I'm sure there's some difference between that and genderqueer so I'll just go with Sam's phrasing. Also I forgot to call Sam "they" or "them" instead of her or him. So now I'm the grossest person in the world.

• Sam and Berenice almost boink but it's still too early for that. If they boinked now, outside of the Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love, how would Nathan walk in on them and become possessed by the evil monster who is against lesbianism? Or whatever you call it when a non-binary person does it with a woman.

• Sam and Berenice head back to the Dark Mansion where Nathan is waiting with some news and a boner. He's finished his book! I bet it's about how nasty lesbians are and goes into intricate detail about their sex lives. Also, he decides to ask Berenice to marry him. I guess that answers the question as to whether they're married or not.

• After Nathan proposes, Adelia flips the fuck out and turns into an evil demon. That's why Nathan was always getting headaches when he was around Berenice. Because Adelia realized that Berenice will be throwing away her happiness if she marries this man, just like she did when she married her husband a century ago. Adelia is the shadow and the Forbidden Love is heterosexuality! Shocking twist!

The Ranking!
No change! I wish I could scan more of the art in this book but I just don't want to ruin the spine by shoving the comic into my scanner. Sorry!

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