Friday, February 10, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #13

This is the men engaging in the sports variant cover.

The Review!
This story takes place sixty Earth years in the future but on the planet Xudar. If it told us how far into the future it was in Xudar years, the reader would be confused because most of us don't know how to do math. Also we don't have the proper conversion tables. But mostly the math thing. If you can do math, you aren't a real comic book fan. Everybody should have fond memories of reading ROM tucked into their Algebra books while trying to conceal the surprise boner that's come for a visit. Just randomly and not because I have a thing for spaceknights.

Sixty Earth years in the future, the Xudarians all have jet-packs! Luckies! Can you imagine how things would be different if we had jet-packs right now?! Every other case on Judge Judy would be about a jet-pack mishap instead of about an exorbitant phone bill on a phone somebody lent to their "friend."

The stupid story doesn't remain in the future so I guess I won't be seeing any more jet-packs. Instead a big fat old Xudarian tells a story about the past to her stupid needy grandchildren. So instead of just telling a story about Xudar in the present, Venditti decides to tell a story about Xudar in the present except through the perspective of somebody from the future. I guess that's so he can play fast and loose with the truth. That'll teach those continuity-concerned fangenders a thing or two about something or other!

The story is about the attack by Starro that just happened a few issues ago. What a rip-off! I already paid money to read that story! This is fucking stupid. I hate comic books.

The English word you're looking for, Xudarian, is not saliva.

The teller of the tale describes how she, only eleven cycles old (I don't know how many Earth years that is because I can't math, remember? Stop hassling me about it!), first set eyes on the Green Lantern Corps. She looked up in the sky and saw straight up Arisia's skirt. It was a sight to behold! She also saw all of the other Green Lanterns and decided the way to make her story most exciting was to introduce all of them. Or at least the ones that mattered, like the human ones. And I guess the Xudarian one. And the one that says "Poozer!" all of the time because that's hilarious. She never introduces the one that looks like an onion fucked a pair of sweat socks.

The story continues past the defeat of Larfleeze and into territory that hasn't been written yet. At that point, the old lady gets really vague with the details. If I were one of her grandchildren, I would boo the fuck out of her. BOO! HISS! Terrible story telling!

Apparently in the future, the X-men will get their own Lantern Corps. Unless these rings are for the Pornographic Lanterns.

Then the old lady glosses over a huge battle for the fate of existence between all of the Lantern Corps, as if that happening once isn't enough. But at least Dex-Starr makes a guest appearance. He's all, "Boo! Hiss! Terrible story telling!" Then he scratches the shit out of Indigo-1's vagina. It's her own fault for only wearing a skimpy little loincloth. Can't the Indigo Staves create full uniforms?

The old lady Xudarian is all, "Okay! That's enough of my stories!" And her kids are all, "Dafuq?! You barely told a story!" And the old lady is all, "Go to sleep, you bastards."

After the story, the grandmother teaches her kids a lesson. She's all, "All those emotions on the spectrum? Stupid! They're all stupid and dumb. You know which one isn't though? Will! The Green Light! It's so cool. Don't you think it's cool, kids? You should totally think it's cool because it's the best!" Then the kids are all, "Yay! We love will!" So the old lady leaves them and then goes and puts on her Green Lantern ring. Way to brainwash your grandchildren! This is why, if I had had kids (which I didn't because I don't know how to do it), I would never let them anywhere near my mother! She'd ruin them.

The Ranking!
No change! I'd give it a -1 Ranking for barely telling me a story but I'm not always that petty. I sort of liked the story even though I called it fucking stupid and it forced me to declare that I hate comic books. Sometimes I get a little too emotional when I think a comic book company is stealing my money by selling me the same old shit. But this wasn't completely the same old shit. Just mostly!

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