Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Batman #15

This is the worst cover of an issue where Catwoman and Batman fuck.

• Last issue, Batman and Catwoman fucked. On a rooftop covered in diamonds. You could see Selina's ass and everything, if you got out a microscope (which you probably already had so you could find your tiny penis which you were totally going to beat off (if you are a woman then you probably don't have a penis. Or a microscope)).

• I know, you think I totally erased trans women in that last bullet point. But I said "probably"!

• This issue begins with Bruce and Selina naked on a roof. It's much better than that time they fucked in Catwoman #1 written by that guy from Road Rules: San Francisco. In that one, Selina's boobs and vagina were hanging out of her costume while Batman was still nearly fully dressed. Although in this one, Mitch Gerads might have forgotten who he was drawing.

I don't think that's Selina!

• Catwoman tells Batman she loves him. Batman tells Catwoman he loves her. And I just remembered it's Valentine's Day! What a perfect day to read this! Because I love reading comic books while eating a fucking ton of chocolate!

• Batman and Catwoman call each other Bat and Cat, respectively. Or not respectively. Whatever. Anyway, I think they should just call each other Man and Woman.

• Faced with going to prison for life, Catwoman flees Batman. She gets away because she puts on her costume quicker than he puts on his. They also leave a roof covered in diamonds. I bet Alfred has to go retrieve those later. Wearing latex gloves, of course. They're probably covered in sex juice.

• Now instead of proving he's the World's Greatest Sex-tective (again), Batman has to find clues to his new case: The Case of Missing Out On More Poontang. He needs to solve it before the cops solve it or else they'll lock up his chances at having more sex.

• Batman gets his throat slashed because he's in love. That's why he can't be in love! He's not a good Batman when he's in love. But Catwoman saves him because she's in love. That's why she can't be in love! She could be free but she comes back to save Batman! These two!

• The woman who slashed Batman's throat is the woman who killed the 237 terrorists responsible for burning down the orphanage. So maybe Batman's a better detective than I thought!

• Catherine Turley, aka Holly Robinson, aka the woman who murdered all of those people Catwoman supposedly murdered (but didn't just like I said, right from the beginning, that she didn't do. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, you unfaithful jerks!), flees Gotham. And Catwoman flees justice. But then, why would Batman try to put her in Blackgate now? Sometimes you just have to say, "Fuck Jim Gordon." I mean, "Fuck the law!"

• The issue ends with some corny line about Catwoman stealing the night or something.

The Ranking!
No change! For being a Valentine's Day comic book, it wasn't romantic at all!

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